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Lessons must be taught!

On Sunday night, before going to Britt’s for Thanksgiving III, I stopped at Albertson’s to pick up dessert. As I walked out of the store, starting to cross the road to get to where I had parked my car, this Jeep, going about 60, pulled up the crosswalk, tapped his brakes, and then floored it by me. If I hadn’t been paying attention, I might have been hit. In fact, if it wasn’t me, but a mother with a couple of kids, one of those kids would have been launched about thirty feet in the air.

The Jeep passed by close enough that I could feel it passing by. So I did what any person who likes to teach lessons to others would do. I smacked the rear right panel of his car as he sped past me, leaving an indentation.

I walked over to my car as the Richard Petty wannabe (we’ll call him Chickenfucker Nutsack) squealed his tires as he turned around, and drove down the parallel lane, parking his car so he could face mine as I started to get in.

I was surprised that Chickenfucker Nutsack wasn’t some 18-year old punk but a guy in his 40s, balding, pale, with thick glasses and a quivering face, wearing an Albertson’s shirt. Chickenfucker looked like he was about to burst into tears from anger.

He rolled down the window and yelled, “Fuck you, jerk!”

I walked over to the front of his car and said calmly, “Maybe you should slow down when you’re driving through a parking lot.”

Chickenfucker’s reply? “Maybe you shouldn’t be so fat!”

I immediately busted out laughing. Tears were streaming down my face as I tried to stammer out a response in a properly patronizing tone. “Are you retarded? Special? You’re special, aren’t you? Who’s in charge of you? Do we need to call someone to take care of you?” I made it sound like I was talking to a baby, in a very soothing, condescending tone.

He gave me the finger. But not The Finger, like someone who does it casually. Chickenfucker actually had to think about it, and then balled his hand up in a fist and extended his middle finger as if he had never done it before. Then he started to get out of the car. This big Samoan dude who had been watching the whole thing from his car started walking to the store. As he passed between our cars, he said to Chickenfucker, in this deep, gravelly voice, “I wouldn’t do that, man. I don’t think that’s a very good idea.” He reconsidered and got back in his car. I started mine up and was about to reverse out of the space, when he whipped around the parking lot and drove behind me, essentially blocking me in.

Well, you know what bumpers are for, right? Bumping.

I pulled out of the parking space slowly until my bumper was about an inch from his. Then I revved the motor a bit. Chickenfucker stood still. So I backed up into the front bumper of his car. The look of horror in his eyes was priceless. Frantically, he began to back up down the aisle. I continued in reverse and followed him all the way until he couldn’t go any further without driving into traffic backwards. Then I drove my rear bumper into his front bumper again, very gently, shifted the car into drive, and drove off.

Having fun at Chickenfucker’s expense brought a smile to my face, but when I told my wife, she blamed me for the whole thing! She said, “Why do you always have to teach people lessons? What if that guy had a gun?”

“Sweetie, you know I’m a ninja. Ninjas can dodge bullets without even trying!”

This didn’t soothe her at all. “You are not allowed to teach lessons like that anymore!”

“But, babe!” I pleaded. “This is way better than me being a real teacher. I’m like a super professor of life lessons, with a PhD of The Streets! Plus I’m a ninja. Kapow!”

“No. More. Lessons.”

So I said, “Well, think of it this way, babe. If the guy did have a gun, I’d either get a really cool scar, or you’d inherit over a million dollars in life insurance, plus you could sue the guy and make even more money!”

“Carry on, Professor Avitable.”

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51 Replies to “Lessons must be taught!”

  1. AnnieB

    I bet the story he told his friends doesn’t remotely resemble this rendition of events.

    I say straighten out the morons of the world every chance you get. Much better to be a dead hero than a live funny guy!

  2. Functionally ReTodded

    my wife says the same thing avi. and my answer is always the same. If someone doesn’t teach shit-heads like that how to act right, they’ll never learn. And that’s just not fair to everyone else.

    Plus, it’s kind of fun to watch somebody get all crazy like that…ain’t it?

    Remind me to tell you about the bitch at Publix the week before thanksgiving.

  3. NYCWD

    This reminds me about when one of the guys asked us why we had brushguards on the front of the ambulances when they work in the city where there really is no brush.

    Taxis don’t necessarily move themselves.

    I would suggest however that before class begins, you change into your ninja garb.

  4. Lin

    I have to ask.. seriously? LOL I wish I had half the balls you did — ok that’d be one ball. How about I wish I had a smidgeon of your … well whatever it is you have to give you the insanit/courage to do this.

  5. Drew

    I would not have the balls to smack that car. I would think about it and obsess over it but not do it. Man you got balls. And then to be so calm with the guy on top of that. I think I would lose my shit and start screaming at him if I did actually smack the car.

    Way to go man. I started reading your blog after finding it through Mr. Fab.

  6. Trish K

    You and Not A Grampy…Sheesh, what is it about men that make them think they are invincible?

    Also, what is it about parking lots that makes people drive like that? This is why I hate to go grocery shopping..well that and old people blocking the aisles, price of food, screaming children…

  7. DutchBitch

    Bwahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaa. I am hurting all over from laughing so much (and from snorting hot coffee thru my nose as a result of it) but I don’t care. That was all kinds of hawt and cewl! You are my hero! :clap:

  8. Peggy

    I had to come back and tell this story since being reminded of it from this post.

    Growing up we lived on a dead end street and one day a car filled with jackass teenagers drove by extremely fast. My Father waited outside until the car drove by again and threw a rock in the back window.

    I don’t know which was worse. Playing in a street with fast cars or living with a Father with that type of temper. Although it totally ruled when I’d tell my friends “My Dad could kick your Dad’s ass!” and it be true.

    Pussies.

  9. hellohahanarf

    :clap: bravo!!

    go ninja, go ninja, go!

    i love that you know that bumpers are made to be bumped. that’s awesome.

    chickenfucker nutsack is almost as good as cockslappin monkeyfucker. almost.

    (michael, is numb nuts two words or one? i never could get that one right! a month ago we had a heated debate about it here at work and several folks simply agreed to disagree.)

  10. Avitable

    Michael, yeah, that’s a good point.

    Angel, I’m always happy if I can cause near-urination!

    Amy, I wish I had some!

    Sheila, oh, I’m sure she’s got a plan around here somewhere.

    Peggy, just bring a bat with you.

    AnnieB, probably not. But I don’t think he has any friends.

    Todd, exactly! They’ll never learn otherwise.

    NYCWD, that’s how I feel – bumpers are there to be used.

    Mr. Fabulous, it’s the ninja talk, isn’t it?

    Britt, why you gotta be a hater?

    RW, post-Thanksgiving cheer, I think.

    Lin, it’s more about insanity.

    Drew, oh, there have been plenty of times where I’ve thought of something I should have done way after the fact. It’s probably good that I didn’t, though.

    Trish, I’m a ninja!

    Christie, most people miss what they aim for anyways.

    DB, it was pretty funny!

    CMG, I think she wants a house in Italy, actually.

    Peggy, your Dad’s awesome.

    Hello, did you just quote Vanilla Ice? And my opinion is that numbnuts is one word.

  11. Poppy

    So, he works at the restaurant you were at? And he drives like that through where he works? And he talks to customers that way? And tries (unsuccessfully) to intimidate said customers? That asshat needs to be fired.

  12. Robin

    I’d say I learned a great lesson from you but if I ever tried that I don’t think it would have turned out so well. And I’m not worth anything at this point I don’t think, so Erik would be left with nothing.

  13. hellohahanarf

    ummmm, yep. i totally quoted vanilla ice. but only because i am a huge tmnt fan.

    i was in the numbnuts is one word corner. most everyone else around here says two. somehow i feel better that the large gorilla in florida says one. wheeeee!

  14. Wayne

    When that happens to me, I don’t hit the back of the car and walk on. I hit the back of the car and fall over, playing dead, but while falling down, try to get license plate.

    If he keeps going, it’s a hit and run. If he stops to render aid, I wait until he runs up and then I just sit up real quick and say MAYBE YOU’LL WATCH CLOSER NEXT TIME YOU JERK! YOU COULDA HIT MY KID!

  15. Avitable

    Britt, there is always room for more!

    TMP, yeah, it was quite a retort. I was laughing so hard when he said it, too.

    Maman, usually I’m going fast enough that people don’t cut me off, but if they pull in front of me from a side street and go too slow, yes. They need to learn, too.

    Poppy, it was a grocery store, and yeah, I was thinking about doing that, but I was late for dinner.

    Robin, well, he’d have the cats.

    Mom, I was the calm one!

    Hello, did you see the new TMNT? It was pretty good!

    BPR, but I’m a ninja!

    Preposterous, we know our own kind. He was no ninja.

    Wayne, ooh, that would have been good, too.

    BPR, it takes many years of training.

  16. borysSNORC ™

    While I applaud your willingness to put the absolute wanker Chickenfucker into his place, I have to agree with your lovely wife…. teaching fuckwits like this a lesson or two, while temporarily gratifying, isn’t worth your personal safety.
    Be careful 🙂
    Robyn

  17. Sybil Law

    I have COMPLETELY hit a car like that before, only no one stopped or anything. I thought you were going to say you threw the pie on his car!
    The thing is with overly aggressive types like that, when you’re face to face with them, they back down.
    Man. I got all riled up just thinking about it.
    I mean, DUH, the guy could’ve had a gun and all that, but still. When you’re in the moment…
    Awesome. I am glad you scared old chickenfucker. :lmao:

  18. Avitable

    Tracy, the sad thing is that is totally true.

    Britt, how can you be a BFF and not a sycophant?

    Bec, and throw stars at people’s heads. Don’t forget that part?

    Crazy Lady, that’s not a half bad idea.

    HG5, I don’t like that type of behavior.

    Summer, do I have to refer you to “Adam is a Ninja”?

    Kylah, Living on Nothing but your Wits and a Pair of Fists.

    BorysSNORC, thank you.

    Sybil Law, did you get all riled up in a good way? Rawr.

    Gwen, I only wish I had video.

    Sybil, yeah, I saw that. Fucker.

  19. hellohahanarf

    i might hate you if you wrote in black marker all over my tampons like you did to britt.
    but since you did it to someone else i find it hill-arious and love your gorilla self to pieces.

  20. Mari

    Ummm, you don’t LOOK familiar, but I could swear I’m married to you. Hmmm, then again, I think I dated you in the distant, murky past. So…… you were one of a set of triplets? Perhaps separated at birth?

  21. Avitable

    Britt, *sniff*.

    Hello, well, she did beat me up and stick them up my ass all at once, so I think she got it out of her system.

    Gwen, but not number one?

    Mari, so what are you saying? I’m not unique and one of a kind?

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