So, as most of you know, I go in every week for a shave and a haircut at my barber's. My first experience was awesome, but then I had a clowning experience, and of course, there was the photo opportunity when I had my eyebrows waxed.
Then, there was the time that I really felt like an asshole. I've linked it, but the relevant text is here:
Wednesday, after going to my barber's for my weekly trim and shave, was when I reached the realization that I am indeed an asshole. I walked into the barber's and immediately noticed that my usual barber, Raul, wasn't there. I asked the owner where he is, and she says, "Oh. Well, he's in the hospital right now. They found out that he might have lymphoma."
"That's horrible," I said. "Who's going to cut my hair and shave me?"
She gave me a slightly strange look. "Natalia is going to do it today. So, about Raul. Would you like his phone number? Some of his regulars are checking in on him and sending flowers or something."
On the inside, I'm thinking furiously. What the fuck can I say to that other than "Okay"? I don't want his fucking phone number - I'm not going to call my barber who might have cancer and make small talk! Maybe I'd send him something at the hospital, if he wasn't just my fucking barber! But there was no real answer I could give that would get me off the hook, so I shrugged and said "Sure. Maybe I can send him something."
Two days later, and I still haven't sent him something. If he doesn't die and actually comes back to work, I'll ask him if he got the nice arrangement that I had sent up, and when he says, "No," I'll blame the hospital and the old lady volunteers working the gift shop. But, in the end, and this is the REALLY asshole thing, I'm almost hoping that he doesn't come back so I don't have to worry about it.
Well, Raul made a full recovery, and returned to the barbershop. By that point, though, I had switched over to the owner and had no interest in having Raul do my shave. He was unreliable, and missed random days, had problems getting to work, and just went from being a meticulous, amazing barber to someone that I really didn't want holding a blade to my throat.
He's from Puerto Rico, and Cori, the owner, kept joking with him, every time he was there, about going back to Puerto Rico where his car would be top of the line and he'd have more money than most people, and Raul would joke with her about it, but you got the sense that he was serious, and one day he was just going to up and disappear and go back to Puerto Rico.
Yesterday, after getting my shave, and setting up my appointment for next week, I notice that Raul isn't in the appointment book anymore. "Oh," I said. "Looks like King Raul went back to Puerto Rico to rule over them with his mighty scissors and razor, eh?"
"No," Cori said. "He died on Sunday."
"Fuck! Really?"
"Yeah. Want to send his mother some flowers?"
posted by 
filed under 
tagged 
Oh, honey. I am so sorry. I'll make you some socks to go with that sweater.
Comments by Nina
It's all your fault. You ditched unreliable Raul for the owner and he no longer had a reason to live. Nice going.
Comments by Mrs RW
I am a terrible person, as were I in the car with you afterwards, I would have been laughing my fat fucking ass off at the whole horrible situation.
Poor Raul... Maybe it was your fault for not sending him flowers.
Comments by MsFreud
If he made a full recovery what, was he hit by a bus? Ate too much mofongo?
Comments by AnnieB
I always think any man who goes to a barber and let's someone else that close to their neck with a sharp object has to be slightly unhinged anyway but... sorry you lost your ex-barber...
Comments by Bec
Oh I was so hoping this post was going to be about the dog collar you got at this week's appointment!!!
Comments by Miss Britt
Are you kidding - for a decent haircut, heaven or hell isn't too far to travel.
Comments by BOSSY
Ha ha!! Stupid illegal immigrants.
Oh wait. This isn't the nazi forum...is it?
I've heard you should send food. How about driving thru taco bell and getting a bunch of tacos and taking them to his mom's casa?
Comments by Functionally ReTodded
I guess since women are much more devoted and loyal to their hairdressers, this just doesn't compute in girly terms.
If my hairdresser died, I would make it all about myself. Do you have ANY IDEA how hard it is to find a good hairdresser (or hair expert, as I call the good ones)?
Comments by The Absurdist
I'm jealous. I've never killed a barber. Good for you!
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
fuck. you must be devestated. here, distract yourself with these:
and maybe this:
(so, the owner is still alive, right?)
Comments by hellohahanarf
I bet this upsets you so much that you'll be going crazy tonight.
Comments by Clown
Hell, at least you fully committed to switching over to the owner. Now you didn't lose your barber twice.
Comments by themuttprincess
Oh shit! But hey, at least now you didn't lose your barber. Smart thinkin.
Comments by Robin
That is sad.
Comments by Poppy
So what type of flowers did you end up sending?
Comments by Trish
You know, I think this kind of shit only happens to you.
Comments by Amy
Yeah, those people with lymphoma are totally unreliable about getting to work on time and stuff.
And now? to not show up and not have someone cover his shift? Dude was TOTALLY unreliable.
Comments by annie
Oh Dammmmnnn!
Is it bad that I laughed my ass off at that?
I feel guilty. I may need to send flowers.
Comments by sam
That was good. Only you can make death funny.
King Raul is now wielding his scissors and razor at that great cloud in the sky. Next time a bird shits on you, it will really be Raul.
What's this about a dog collar?
Comments by Sybil Law
So did you send any flowers?
Bet he died from a broken heart because you didn't send him anything while he was in the hospital. Cruel man you are.
Comments by Preposterous Ponderings
You know what? When my father died, somebody gave us a chocolate cake and that made me feel much better. So, go treat yourself to some chocolate cake tonight, find some Puerto Rican porn on the Internet, and you'll feel muuuuuuch better!
You can thank me tomorrow.
Comments by Coal Miner's Granddaughter
Nina, I don't think I'll need socks in hell.
Mrs. RW, so should I feel obligated to send flowers? Is that what you're saying?
MsFreud, I wish I had that kind of power.
AnnieB, well, he made a full recovery for six months.
Bec, I got a shiny new one.
Britt, fuck you, fucker.
Bossy, yeah, but what about purgatory?
Todd, wow. You just went there, didn't you?
Absurdist, well, I had already moved onto the owner anyways. So I'm okay, although I may have to seek out a grief counselor.
Mr. Fabulous, you need hair first, don't you?
Hello, exactly!
Clown, crazy to the extreme! With steak!
TMP, I wasn't upset about losing my barber. I just don't want to send flowers.
Robin, this one better not die on me now.
Poppy, I still refuse to send flowers.
Trish, ha!
Amy, I encourage it. Subconsciously.
Annie, well, he said he was fully recovered. Apparently the doctor actually told him he had six months to live, and he didn't tell anyone. I don't know why he would have wanted to keep being a barber if he knew that.
Sam, if you send flowers, put my name on them, too, okay?
Sybil, my beard is a little lower than my jawline, and it looks like I have a hair collar. Fucking Britt.
Preposterous, if anyone asks, yes, I sent a wonderful arrangement. In reality, no.
CMG, I do like PR porn!
Comments by Avitable
"No," Cori said. "He died on Sunday."
"Fuck! Really?"
"Yeah. Want to send his mother some flowers?"
On the inside, I'm thinking furiously. What the fuck can I say to that other than "Okay"? I don't want to send his mother any fucking flowers - I'm not going to contact my barber's mother who might be weepy and crying and miserable! Maybe I'd send something to the funeral home, if he wasn't just my fucking barber! But there was no real answer I could give that would get me off the hook, so I shrugged and said "Sure. Maybe I can send her something"...
Comments by RW
Hahahaha - I am sorry, but that really is funny. I never would've made that connection before - thanks for explaining! However, isn't that fairly normal?!
Anyway, did you hear about the songwriting contest at mommified me? I think you'd write some great, great lyrics! I think Mr. Fab is doing it, though - between the two of you - it could get scary! http://www.camikaos.com/
You and Britt need your own sitcom. It would have to be on cable, though.
Comments by Sybil Law
RW, thank you for finishing that.
Sybil Law, I think it could be on F/X.
Comments by Avitable
You have been awarded . . . and tagged - http://munchkinn76.blogspot.com/2007/11/award-i-has-it.html
Comments by Vulgar Wizard
I so want to see a pic of the dog collar
Comments by Turnbaby
So if you now have this dog collar, does this make you somebody's bitch? I wonder.... Whose bitch are you?
Comments by Y2K Survivor
A mortality check if there ever was one. :-(
Comments by Dave2
Vulgar Wizard, damn taggers.
Turnbaby, never!
Y2K, well, there's no leash involved.
Dave, yeah.
Comments by Avitable
Damn, what is up with your barber dying on you all the time? Good thing you already found someone else.
Comments by Memphis Steve
Steve, he's the only one to die on me. But maybe I'm cursed.
Comments by Avitable
Well, you could have at least sent him a card showing some support...it could have meant lot to someone who was sick (especially if they might have or actually had cancer).
I realize everyone thinks it's funny...even if it was your barber. I've been in his shoes...I used to be a hairstylist.
And you know I had cancer.
Just sayin'...
Comments by Lisa
Lisa, it's mainly because the guy shaved me twice, maybe three times. I didn't even know his last name or anything about him. Sending flowers to his hospital room was like picking some random person in the phone book and sending them flowers.
We did talk about it when he got back and was feeling much better.
Comments by Avitable
Ah, if it was only a couple of times then I would never send flowers. Especially since they cost so much money these days. I'm glad you at least spoke with him though :)
Comments by Lisa