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Loser

I am a loser. Real life and work and computer problems prevented me from my goal of writing 50,000 words in a month. I’m still committed to writing it, though, but I realize that I have no choice but to do it at a pace consistent with someone who’s busy 80-90 hours of the week.

So we know that I’m a loser, but I’m not alone. Let’s talk about some of the other losers out there, thereby making me feel better about my loserness!

  • If you’re a young, single man who is not hideous looking, hiring a masseuse to come to your house, massage you and give you a happy ending is only one step away from hiring a hooker. Guess what? You’re a loser!
  • If you are a disabled shut-in who disagrees with someone and the way that you show your disagreement is by petty, personal attacks, instead of actually using logic or reason, and if you have no ability to form a cohesive discussion of your beliefs without resorting to acting like a second grader, you’re a loser!
  • If you get excited by watching a team of felons and felons-to-be carry a ball around a field or court, and you support that team because of some random geographic boundaries, you’re a loser!
  • If you’re a white trash reject who doesn’t believe in marriage but believes in putting another mouth on welfare while you sit around with your Nazi friends and smoke pot, you’re a loser!
  • If you have ever watched American Idol, America’s Next Top Model, Dancing with the Stars, or Survivor, you’re a loser!
  • If you make sweeping generalizations about anyone, ever, you’re a loser!
  • If you’re a Southern-bred silver spoon-fed spoiled child who just followed in your dad’s footsteps to be one of the worst world leaders in history, you’re a loser!
  • If you’re a large bald man who got sick by letting his nephew stick his dirty, disgusting hands in your mouth, you’re a loser!
  • If you watch and laugh at “According to Jim”, you’re a loser!
  • If you’re a freaky pseudo-incestual bisexual who stole your husband from a wholesome person, and then forced him to adopt tons of children from different countries, you’re a loser!
  • If you don’t have a doctorate, you’re a loser!
  • If you think just because you have a juris doctorate, you’re a doctor, you’re a loser!
  • If you don’t comment on this post, you’re a loser!

See? There’s a little bit of loser in all of us. I feel much better now.

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57 Replies to “Loser”

  1. Turnbaby

    As a sports chick who helped a cool guy WIN AI and who has a JD AND actually practices law— the only thing I am an L in is NaNo —

    And I had similar crap happen to me in trying to get it done–I’ll finish before the end of the year–it’s actually a pretty cool story

    And BTW–this is a fucking funny post πŸ˜‰

    Oh and ….. :loser: hee hee

  2. Dave2

    I gave myself a doctorate in being awesome, and so now I can declare that watching Survivor is, in fact, awesome and not at all loser-like.

    That means I’m a total winner!

    And, if that surprises you, then YOU are the loser. Ha!

  3. HoosierGirl5

    Wait a minute….I watch “Survivor” AND I don’t have a doctorate! Am I a double loser?
    :loser:
    At least you didn’t mention women with lots of kids….

    What about guys who say “muthafucka”? Just wondering…. πŸ˜›

    Have a great weekend!

    J.

  4. AnnieB

    Hey, you forgot the biggest losers of all … people that are fans of asshole bloggers!

    You didn’t at least take a peek at Dancing last week when Avril was on? And doesn’t that make you a loser again since you’re a big fan of hers and she was on a show you say only losers watch?

  5. RW

    I wanted to do something funny by not answering this post and therefore joining the losers but if I don’t somehow show that I was here and then didn’t post so that I could qualify how would anybody know I was here and didn’t post therefore becoming a loser and making everyone laugh crazily all the rest of the day and get people to say “wow that RW sure is a funny guy” so I’m posting to say I’m not actually posting anything so you can all go ahead and laugh and then I’m thinking wait a minute nobody actually reads other people’s comments we’re all just individually playing with Adam but then it dawned on me saying you are playing with Adam is going to get a lot of people laughing and winking and nudging one another so the other thing I can do is create a one sentence block of dense text and therefore assure that nobody actually reads this because in all actuality this whole response is so desperately full of shit it hurts.

  6. Coal Miner's Granddaughter

    Ooo! Ooo! I’ve got one! I’ve got one! OK, here goes:

    If you’re a stay-at-home mom of three who never gets out of the house because your daughter vomits five minutes into any car ride and if your only link to outside world is twisted blogs like this one, then you’re a loser!

    Yep, that’s me….

  7. Avitable

    Amanda, it’s probably good to know the truth at a young age.

    Turnbaby, who did you help win AI? And you’re like a mondo-super loser!

    Jay, well, I’m just throwing truth bombs around.

    Dave, you are Dr. Awesome.

    Tracy, Red Sox? Is that a clothing line or something?

    Sheila, some of them may bear a small resemblance.

    Boy Blunder, if you repeat someone else’s comment with silly smilies, you’re a loser!

    NYCWD, I think a loser to the 10th power is a black hole.

    Tori, what makes you think those are specifically about anyone?

    Gwen, loseriffic?

    Denise, no. It doesn’t.

    Fab, you’re not a freaky pseudo-incestual bisexual?

    HG5, guys who say “motherfucker” or “muthafucka” are nothing but winners.

    Christie, ooh, that’s another one. If you appear on ANTM, you’re a loser.

    Metalmom, people still do that? They’re definitely losers.

    AnnieB, people who are fans of asshole bloggers are the only true winners in the world. Heroes, even. And I don’t watch commercials so I had no idea Avril was on that horrible, horrible show.

    Robin, I wouldn’t be so sure!

    RW, wow that RW sure is a funny guy.

    Hello, I only understand two of the words you used in that comment.

    CMG, I think that might make you part winner, part loser. I’ll have to check with the judges.

    TMP, it’s always a rollercoaster with me.

    Trish, no, it just makes you slightly less loserish.

    Mom, exactly!

  8. Miss Britt

    RW, I read comments. The funniest stuff happens in the comments.

    Of course, if you don’t SUBSCRIBE to comments you’ll never know that… :crying:

    OH, yeah, Adam:

    Your jealousy of me is overwhelming sometimes.

  9. Avitable

    Poppy, we’re all losers. That’s all.

    Britt, I’m only jealous of two things, and you show them to me all day long anyways.

    BPR, if you try to ignore the truth, you’re a loser!

    Mr. Fabulous, yeah, but if I was your brother, you’d totally want to make out with me.

    Hello, I don’t even know what Steelers are. Is that just a misspelling of someone who robs someone else?

  10. Julianne

    I am a multi-loser. But don’t even pretend not to know the Sox massachusetts born-man. We are looking at a trifecta this year (maybe) Sox, Pats, Celts. But i never watched AI, Survivor or any of those…and I don’t want a doctorate in accounting (can you even get one?) i will settle for that damned bachelors

    πŸ™‚ see you in 25 days!

  11. Y2K Survivor

    Dear Dr. Adam Avitable J.D.,

    Sorry to hear you wont make the winner’s circle of the NaMoWriMo. I know it was a cup as coveted by you as the protective device at the last “Let’s piss Britt off” office party.

    Now while I am not a disabled shut in, my first response was a bit closer to “What a poopy attitude you poop-face poopy-head!” I was able to regain control of basic instincts so that now all I will officially comment is,

    “Yeah, what RW said!”

  12. bogup

    So I’m a “loser” just because I don’t have a doctorate? And it is the only description on your “loser list” that fits me.
    That is pathetic, really pathetic.

  13. Wayne

    If you like to play opposite Bud Abbott, you’re a LOUser.

    If you take someone else’s place a lot, you’re a LIEUser

    If you use the bathroom in England, you’re a LOOser

    If you read BOFH, you already know you’re a luser. Here, hold this wire.

    If you like to kill masses of people, you’re a SLEWser. (double meeting, ha!)

    If you work on chimneys a lot, you’re a FLUEser

    If you’re Cajun, you’re a leauxser.

    If you know who killed Col Mustard in the kitchen, you’re a CLUEser.

    If you take horse hooves and make sticky viscus fluid out of them, you’re a GLUEser.

  14. Avitable

    Julianne, you should got for a Master’s! You can’t be a loser, you’re my cool cousin.

    Lynda, don’t worry, everyone’s still a loser with this game.

    Lin, gasp!

    Preposterous, yeah, I’ve heard how you refer to your husband!

    Amy, don’t be a loser!

    Nina, I won’t say it, but you can read it in my eyes.

    Y2K, RW is always right, isn’t he?

    Gwen, losertinian tendencies.

    Amanda, that’s okay, just go lie down and don’t worry your pretty little head about it.

    Bogup, you have never made a sweeping generalization about someone?

    BPR, seriously?

    Sybil Law, yes, good thinking!

    Boy Blunder, exactly.

    Wayne, you broke my groan-o-meter. Although the Clue one was particularly clever and not too obscure.

  15. Melanie

    I saw that you listed watching American Idol, America’s Next Top Model, Dancing with the Stars, or Survivor as qualifiers, and realized that at some point I have watched and enjoyed all of these shows.
    Therefore, soy un perdedor. But dude, the “jesus, these people are hysterical” factor on those shows is too much for me. I can’t resist.
    Plus, did you hear that one of the networks is adding 2 hours of reality teevee programming this season because of the writers’ strike?
    God bless the writers’ strike. More dumbassery to laugh at.

  16. bogup

    Bogup, you have never made a sweeping generalization about someone?

    Only one person that I can recall, and his name is three syllables, and starts with an “A” and ends in “E.” OK, I’m a double loser, eh? Bite me.

  17. Avitable

    Lynda, good point.

    TMP, yup!

    Geeky, no, that makes you a winner.

    Melanie, well, watching AI when they’re eliminating people in the beginning is okay.

    Michael, and for many more reasons unmentioned as well, I’m sure.

    Bogup, well, since my name is four syllables, I can only assume you’re talking about someone named Apache.

  18. Lisa

    If I have more sense than my doctors and feel that I should have an honorary doctorate does that qualify for non-loser status?

    Actually I could care less if I’m a loser.

    I’m am who I am and gosh darnit people like me.

  19. Bec

    I’ve always been a loser, and now I can say that I have proof…

    The Dancing With The Stars thing though. DWTS is so so so much better than it’s parent and original Strictly Come Dancing – the UK horror show that doesn’t finish for another 3 weeks! ARRRGGGHHH! (Just to be clear I don’t watch it but it’s on before Robin Hood which I do watch and the 5 minutes I catch (because it always overruns) is enough to put me in a bad mood for whole minutes!)

    Me Loser? Hell yes.

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