Since my blogging has been subpar this week, I decided that today's post was going to be long and full of substance. But then I realized that it's time for a meme! I made it a long one, though:
1. Where were you at 3:02 AM this morning?
In bed. Thank God you didn't ask where I was at 3:01, though.
2. What was the first thing you thought this morning?
Why are my feet handcuffed to each other and why is there a plunger in my butt, again?
3. Is the person you like older or younger than you?
Younger. No, older. Well, technically, they're deceased, so that's tough to answer.
4. What did you do last night?
Painted my toenails, brushed my hair, and watched "Pretty in Pink".
5. What do you hope to do this weekend?
Provide free mammograms to as many women as possible.
6. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
I expect to be in several.
7. What song are you listening to?
An a cappella version of Ice, Ice Baby.
8. Have you ever told someone of the preferred sex you loved them and meant it?
No but I told someone of the non-preferred sex that I loved them.
9. How's your heart lately?
Well-clogged with Double Whoppers and Big Macs, hopefully.
10. What were you doing at 7 AM?
Dropping my ninja suit off at the laundromat.
11. What were you doing this afternoon at 12 PM?
Ninja-ing!
12. Are there any previous relationships you wish could have lasted longer?
The one with my right hand. That relationship only lasts about 38 seconds.
13. What was the reason you last cried?
The Gilmore Girls series finale.
14. What was the last movie you saw in theaters?
Clothed or naked?
15. Have you ever driven without a license?
What's a license?
16. Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?
Usually I talk but leave words out while I speak, like a broken speaker. It's fun.
17. How many red lights have you ran?
Clothed or naked?
18. Have you ever cried while in the shower?
Only when I masturbate with Ben Gay.
19. Have you ever, in anyway, been betrayed by someone you trusted?
There was this one time that my friend and I were trying to recover this ancient idol, and after I tossed it to him over a chasm, he didn't throw me the rope like he said he was going to.
20. When was the last time you were given roses?
Is that like herpes?
21. Is there anything that you are craving right now?
A cup of hot urine.
22. Where did your last hug take place?
I paid for a premium hug with a happy ending at Bob's House of Hugs.
23. Do people ever make stupid mistakes when spelling or saying your name?
Not since I made a video about how to pronounce it.
24. Do you drink tea?
Hot urine tea.
25. When was the last time you saw a cop?
Well, I saw him – don't think he saw me. Or the dead hooker.
26. Did you ride in someone else's car today?
Ride? Nope. Urinate? Yes.
27. Do you wet the toothbrush before the toothpaste?
What is a toothbrush?
28. Does someone like you?
Like, love, stalk, whatever.
29. What do you like on your toast?
A mixture of butter, semen, and grapes.
30. Where do you like to keep your money?
Well, cigarettes are my currency, so I have to maintain a small warehouse.
31. Do you watch the news daily?
I don't even watch the news monthly.
32. Do you like to press the coin return button on everything for free money?
I prefer hooking a chain up to ATMs and driving off at top speed.
33. How much makeup do you wear?
Just a little rouge. On my penis.
34. Do you clean when you’re upset?
I usually just wash my hands over and over again and cry while saying "No, no, no, no, no, no."
35. What day of the week did/will your birthday fall on this year?
Adam Day.
36. Are you wearing socks?
I'm wearing one.
37. Did you wear clipon/stickon earrings as a child?
As a child? What's wrong with now?
38. Have you ever seen “Walk the Line”?
No, but I've lined a wok with semen.
39. Do you still get Easter baskets?
Only when I sneak into people's houses and steal them from children.
40. When was the last time it snowed?
In the world? What do I look like, Mr. Weather?
41. Do you like puddles?
Only if Puddles is the name of a transvestite stripper.
42. What’s the closest pink thing to you?
Well, I've got something purple in my hand.
43. Do you have plans for tonight?
My typical Sunday night cockpunching.
44. Are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone?
My great-grandmother loaned me the cock ring I have on.
45. Do you know anybody named Eric?
Known, talked to, shaved his balls.
46. Are your nails painted?
They're actually wallpapered.
47. Have any cool scars?
Only from the sex-change operation.
48. Do you know anyone with Alzheimer’s?
The real question is, do they know me?
49. Have any gay/lesbian/bi friends?
Well, I don't think they're gay, lesbian, and bisexual, all at the same time.
50. Red or green apples?
How can I tell what color they are when they're in a pie?
51. Do you know anyone who’s pregnant?
I'm pregnant with emotion.
52. Can you make brownies without having to look at the directions?
Only if by "make brownies" you mean "poop".
53. Are crayons better than colored pencils?
The wax on crayons tends to melt in my ass, so no.
54. What room are you in?
A small dirt enclosure under the floorboards that my wife calls my office.
55. What were you doing at 9:23 this morning?
Having an orgy with four Catholic high school girls.
56. Have you brushed your teeth yet today?
48 times.
57. When's the last time you ran?
I rollerskate everywhere.
58. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them?
No, but my genes sure as hell do.
59. What are you seriously wearing?
A cock ring and a pink hula skirt. I'm very serious while I'm wearing it, though.
60. Can you dance?
You know the answer to that one.
61. Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night?
Well, I have narcolepsy, so I usually get zsdg;a lakje. ……………
62. Do you own a pair of Converse?
No, I used to, but I argued with them too much. I prefer Proverse.
63. Could you live without a computer?
That's not living.
64. Do you watch movies with your parents?
I used to until the infamous Movie Rental/Parental Sex Tape mix-up of 1993.
65. Do you enjoy your personality?
I masturbate after every snarky moment, so absofuckinglutely.
