Archive for December, 2007

Instead of doing a top ten list of my favorite bloggers or blogs, which would invariably leave someone out who would then hunt me down and scalp me, I decided that I would just finish the "100 Things About Me" list that I started back in May. Over the last several months, I've listed 99 things about me. Those are included here along with the final interesting tedious thing about me. I'll also move all of these over to the sidebar in the next few days, following the current trend of doing so.

Here's some music to go with this final countdown for 2007: Final Countdown

100 Things About Me

Me and My Family:

100. My father's family is Italian.

99. My mother's family is Irish and Nova Scotian.

98. I have four uncles, three who are my mother's brothers and one that is my father's brother.

97. I was born in Weymouth, Massachusetts.

96. My parents were both born in Massachusetts as well.

95. I am the eldest of three siblings. I have a younger sister and we have a younger brother.

94. I moved to Ormond Beach, Florida (right outside Daytona Beach) in 1980, when I was three years old.

93. I have three living grandparents. I had four until my Nana passed away a couple of months back.

92. My father's family came from Naples. The Avitable (and Avitabile) name is very big there. There is a statue of General Paolo di Avitabile, who was well-known in Italy and feared in Pakistan. In fact, his name (Abu Tabela) is used as a bogeyman to children in Pakistan even to this day.

91. I believe that my maternal grandmother has been able to trace her family back to the Mayflower, which is amusing, because the family drinks like Irishmen right off the boat.

90. I have never met any Avitables other than my uncle and cousins. I would like to, someday.

89. My mother's family is quite large, and, in fact, she is older than her youngest uncle. As a result, most of the family members who are my age are actually my second cousins.

88. My grandmother's brothers used to live in a very poor part of Massachusetts and were a bunch of thugs as kids. The Learys were a bit of a gang back in the 40s and 50s.

87. My mother liked my father because he was a bad boy who drove fast, was a bit older, and got into lots of fights, including throwing someone through a plate glass window. He was arrested many times as a teen and young adult, and it was only because of the good old boy network and my grandfather's connections that he doesn't have a record.

86. Before my parents married, my mother and father either broke up or almost broke up because she wasn't sure he was willing to settle down. My father hitchhiked cross-country, and when he got to California, he realized how much he needed my mother and came right home to her, smelly and dirty from over six months on the road without a shower or bath.

85. Three of my uncles don't have more than a high school diploma, yet they're all successful businessmen.

84. While I have never hit on any of my cousins, many of whom are objectively attractive, my brother tried some cheesy pick up lines on my cousin on Myspace.

83. This same brother also set up a Match profile when he got out of the military. After choosing the parameters of the girl he was looking for, only one result popped up: my sister.

82. Both of my siblings work for me currently were recently relieved of their jobs.

81. I'm not sure, but I may be the first person in my mother's side of the family with a doctorate.

80. I am Italian and Irish, but I hate Italian food and Irish food. This vexes my parents.

My Eccentricities:

79. I don't own a single pair of pants. All I will wear is shorts, and usually I just work in my boxer briefs. If there is a situation where I will have to wear pants, I won't go. I just don't find them comfortable, and I see no reason, now that I'm an adult, that I should have to wear them.

78. I've never smoked a cigarette – even one puff. It just never came up as a teen, and after that, I wasn't interested.

77. I love going to the dentist. The feeling of having your teeth really clean and just a bit sore is one of my favorites. I've only had a few cavities, and even getting those filled was fun. The only dark cloud in my dental history was in Los Angeles, when we had a butcher who made both of us hurt so much that we never went back. We moved over to a dentist in Pasadena who was open until 7:30 PM, had Jet Li as a client, and had his office down the hall from Dr. Drew from Loveline.

76. I won't eat certain finger foods. Anything that's going to get all over my fingers. This means chicken wings/buffalo wings and fried chicken, which are two things I've never actually eaten in my entire life. I eat corn on the cob by using a fork to hold the cob upright and then sawing off the corn with my knife. Anything with bread around it, like burgers and hot dogs, is fine, and I can eat french fries, although if they have ketchup all over them, I use my fork.

75. Staying on the subject of food, I am horrified by food with bones. I do not enjoy bone-in steak and will invariably leave most of the meat because trying to cut around it and hitting all of the fat just disgusts me. And when I'm at Disney World and I see those people walking around with those turkey legs that they're eating (and holding onto it with their bare hands!) it makes me apoplectic.

74. I'm fanatical about fresh breath. I buy cases of gum in bulk and will chew it constantly from morning to night. I think this stems from the principal of the small private Christian school I went to. He always had coffee breath and my eyes would water as I would stare him in the eye when he was lecturing me. I only want people to cry when I'm berating them because of what I say, not because my breath is rank.

73. I'm also fanatical about deodorant. I buy 2-3 new sticks of deodorant every time we go to the store, and last time I cleaned out the medicine cabinet, I had 46 empty deodorant sticks. I'll only use Speed Stick Regular Scent, and I can't stand to use anything else or I don't feel clean.

72. I cannot understand lyrics. At all. For the last 20 years, I thought that in the theme song to Caddyshack, by Kenny Loggins, he was singing "Ad-mir-al", not "I'm all right." I also thought that the INXS song lyrics said "Every single woman has the devil inside."

71. There are so few situations in my adult life where I was not (a) in control, (b) situationally comfortable, and/or (c) completely confident in myself, that these few situations truly embarrass me and if my wife brings them up it is the only time that I'll truly get mad at her.

70. I thrive on being recognized. In Los Angeles, there was this little sports pub called Duke's that was a part of the Los Angeles Athletic Club, to which I belonged. Walking in there, having the waiter recognize me and bring me a pitcher of Diet Coke with Lime, and being able to order "the usual", is a cherished memory. Currently, in Orlando, I want to eventually be able to walk into my favorite steak restaurant and have someone other than the manager recognize me and know what I'm drinking and what I like to eat. It is one of my aspirations.

69. One thing that I've gotten as a gift from my dad is the genetic condition of night terrors. Usually occurring in periods of high stress, I will wake up and even though I'm consciously awake, I will see things. These things are usually huge spiders, like 4 feet across, skittering down the wall or over the blankets and pillows. I've reached the point, though, that now I can think to myself, "If a huge spider really was walking across Amy's face, she'd be screaming, so it must be fake." But when I see them, I can see them in explicit detail, with no doubt that they are right there in front of me.

68. I can talk on the phone like a girl. Ever since I was 12/13, I would literally spend hours on the phone at once. Even if I had to go to bed at 8, I'd sneak down later, get the phone, and talk until 4 AM with my friends, who were all female. My dad still doesn't understand it, and even today I can easily be on the phone for 8 hours a day without any problems.

67. I've always been a fast reader. When I was in college, I took a speed reading course. At the beginning of the course, I was already at the goal of X words per minute that the instructor had set for the class's goal to reach by the end. By the time I learned the techniques of reading faster, I was reading faster than anyone the instructor had ever seen. In optimal conditions, I can finish a 300 page book in 25 minutes and retain 90% of it in my short-term memory. However, I learned in law school that in order to better retain it in my long-term memory, I could only study with a distraction. By putting the TV on or watching a movie while I studied, it forced my brain to slow down so that I would read at a normal level and have 100% retention.

66. I really want a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed. They just seem fun – you can sit up, recline, raise your legs – why don't all beds do that?

65. Since my goal is to make people laugh, if someone isn't laughing, I need to know why. By understanding what they didn't find funny, I can improve what I do and make sure that next time, that type of person will find it funny, too. I believe that you can actually make everyone happy at once.

64. I've mentioned this before, but I am prejudiced against ugly people. There are actresses like Meryl Streep, Kyra Sedgewick, and Glenn Close, that I cannot stand, and people that I've known in my personal life who were so ugly that I hated them on the spot. And I always will hate them – I can't help it.

63. There are very few people to which I aspire to be. If I do see qualities, quirks, abilities, or other elements in a person that I find to be useful in either impressing, manipulating, or appeasing others, I appropriate them for myself. The same goes in the online world – I try to assimilate the styles and techniques that bloggers use to create my own style that has all of those positive elements.

62. In high school, I used to try to show how impervious I was to pain by rolling up my sleeves and stapling them to my shoulder. Girls would dig their nails into my skin while I smiled, and I could cut my arm without feeling it. While I'm clearly not like that anymore, I still only show that I'm hurt when the pain level is very high.

61. I believe in superheroes, aliens, and ghosts.

My Wife:

60. Not only does she tolerate my sense of humor, she encourages it and finds it hilarious.

59. She has a Master's in Accounting and a Juris Doctorate. And she'll probably have a Master's in Anthropology in the next few years that she'll get for fun.

58. Purely on the merits of her writing ability, she has had her work in tax published on at least three separate occasions. Purely on chance, I've been published the same number of times. We are in constant competition to see who will get published next.

57. She is a very fashionable dresser and has sweatpants that cost more than my entire wardrobe. How she can bear to be seen with me is beyond my ability to comprehend.

56. She absolutely loves animals of all types. Cats, dogs, ferrets, fish, dolphins, birds, rabbits, horses, elephants, zebras – doesn't matter. She loves them more than people.

55. Consequently, she's a vegetarian. No beef, no chicken, no fish. And not a crazy unhealthy vegetarian like some people – she's very conscientious of the food that she eats. This means that we eat dinner together maybe once a month, when we don't go out to dinner.

54. Before she became a vegetarian, though, she could put a steak away like the best of them. It was very impressive.

53. She is a total Trekkie, but only the original series.

52. She used to drive like her mother, which meant slow and painful. Now she drives like me, which means I can usually handle it on the rare occasions that she drives and I'm in the car.

51. If the lawyer thing doesn't work out, she could be an interior decorator. She has an excellent sense of colors and style when it comes to a house.

50. If she and I taught at the same school, she'd be the Dr. Avitable that everyone would hate but respect for the education they received. I'd be the one that the stoners would want because I'd be funny and easy, but not strict enough.

49. She has a sister who is 8 years her junior but they look and act almost identically. It's incredible.

48. I don't travel with her to somewhere that she's never been. She creates itineraries that start at 6 AM and go to 7 PM, nonstop. She goes to almost every museum that she can, and takes literally hundreds of photos. Her three week trip to Italy ended up with 400 photos, and only about four of them had any of her girlfriends in them.

47. She loves to be a hostess, and we typically have great parties.

46. She makes old men blush with her language. She has a mouth that would make the saltiest sailor proud.

45. Even though she's trendy and fashionable and attractive, she is still a nerd at heart, whether it's the History Channel, Sherlock Holmes, Star Trek, Dr. Who, or ancient civilizations.

44. She is one of the few people who can genuinely make me laugh.

43. The fact that she hasn't killed me in a blind rage in the last eight years speaks volume about her ability to put up with infantile men with the mind of a little boy and the taste in music of a 12-year old girl.

42. If I wake up in the middle of the night when I'm experiencing night terrors, she always calms me down.

41. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Weird or Cool Things I've Seen and Done:

40. When I was 14, my family had a foreign exchange student from Spain named Pablo staying with us. We had a great time and went on plenty of adventures. One night, while running around the neighborhood, we saw a giant glowing UFO hovering over a neighbor's house. We ran to the house and saw this giant hovering shape the size of a small house floating and humming, and then it lowered into the trees. We ran into the trees, and it disappeared.

39. I've stood at someone's head and stared into their open chest cavity as a surgeon performed open heart surgery. The cauterizing tool makes the searing flesh smell like pork.

38. In 2006, I hung out with and treated to dinner one of the new gods of the comic industry, who is slowly taking over the rest of the world.

37. As a teen working for my uncle, who hung window tint in people's homes, I worked in the homes of John Travolta, Madonna, and the parents of Jack Davis, one of MAD's artists. The last one was the coolest, because his art was hanging all over the house.

36. I took my 1984 Chrysler Fifth Avenue off-roading, and managed to drive over a dirt hill that caused my car to catch about 5 feet of air.

35. One Fourth of July when I was 7 or 8, we were all laying on the side of the river in Ormond Beach watching the professional fireworks over the river. Laying on my back, looking up, we watched the explosion and the subsequent arcs as the embers floated down. I pointed to one and said, "Boy, that one looks like it's actually coming down to us." Well, it was. Pretty soon, the entire area where we were was engulfed in flames. A man standing next to my baby brother, who had a huge 'fro at that point, had his hair catch fire. Everyone was screaming and running around. It was utter chaos.

34. Driving up to college one year, I watched as a car going in the opposite direction turned, spun, and then flipped end over end across all the lanes of oncoming traffic, the median, and then all of our lanes of traffic and landed on the passenger side in the breakdown lane. Then I watched some people run up to the smoking, sparking car and yank out a small Asian woman from the shattered window of the upended car, carrying her to a safe distance. She was completely unharmed. And then the car exploded.

33. In Los Angeles, there was a motorcycle cop going down the 5, driving erratically. He was in the far left lane, and would not let anyone get close to him or pass him in any of the 6 lanes going the same way. Every time a car got close, he would wave them off viciously. Finally, he got off at an exit that was the same as our exit. On the curve of the exit, I accelerated and got right on his tail, and then pulled up next to him at the stop light. I rolled my window down and said, "What the fuck is your problem? Why were you driving like that?" The officer was sweating like a pig, shaking like a leaf, and looked like he was about to cry. I think possibly it was his first time on a motorcycle and he was scared. He yelled, "What are you doing? You need to read your driving manual! You're a bad driver!" At which point my wife started cracking up. I berated the officer for another minute before the light turned green and he roared off at top speed. That is the only time that I've ever pulled over a police officer.

32. I once fell about 15 feet straight down and ended up with nothing more than the wind knocked out of me.

31. I invented a household product, had plans drawn up, and had a prototype manufactured that is actually in my kitchen. Once I have the time, I'm going to fix the bugs and sell it on a mass scale.

Things I Hate:

30. Fantasy, especially LOTR. Even though I enjoy comic books, I love Star Wars, and I'm pretty much a big ol' hairy gorilla geek, I hate fantasy. Part of it is hard to explain, but when you watch something like Lord of the Rings, and you watch those fucking horrible Hobbits and they're dancing around singing and skipping and everything, I just absolutely hate it. It's so artificial and poorly structured and such a facade, but it permeates almost every work of fantasy out there. I wish Peter Jackson had died at birth. Tolkien should have had his hands chopped off so he couldn't write anything. (A few exceptions: I consider things like the Oz books and the Princess Bride to be the rare examples of fantasy that don't have this element.)

29. People who park on the curb directly across the street from another car parked on the curb. If I have to squeeze my car between yours and someone else's because you're too fucking stupid to know not to park right there, I'm going to let my side-view mirror scrape down the side of your car. I own my car and I don't give a shit if it gets a few nicks and scratches. Maybe you'll be more careful next time, fuckerton.

28. Television Network Executives. These are the people who are so out of touch with reality and so unaware of quality that they rely on flawed surveys and viewer response to determine what gets aired and what doesn't. This leads to gems like "War at Home" and "Deal or No Deal" getting multiple season orders while good shows like "The Job", "Veronica Mars", "Angel", etc., etc., etc. get canceled. The intelligent executive would realize that while Cleetus and his 6 worthless kids are sitting down to watch a show where someone is trying to play a glorified version of Memory, their advertising dollar is worth only a fraction of mine. What they spend on their weekly trip to Wal-mart is a tenth of what I spend on frivolous purchases. But until they get off their ass and realize this, network execs have a special place in hell.

27. Eggplant.

26. Beer commercials. Nobody goes out and decides to buy a brand of beer because of a commercial. There are two classes of beer drinkers – those who don't care what they drink, and will drink anything with alcohol in it, or those who are very picky, and they'll only drink what they've tasted. Nobody – NOBODY – watches one of those stupid fucking commercials and says "Hm. Maybe I'll drink Bud Light from now on." Disclaimer: If you know someone who makes their beer drinking decision based on the commercials, please let me know so I can come over and punch them in the crotch.

25. Spectator Sports. Yeah, living vicariously through a team as you watch someone who would otherwise be a drug dealer on the street if he wasn't able to run fast or jump high score points in an imaginary contest that pits random people against each other on a basis of geographic borders or schools while denying the blatant corruption that has rotted every single event from the inside out sounds like a great waste of time, doesn't it?

24. My left eye. I'll tell you what, my fucking eye is bothering me again, and I'm about a hair away from getting a melon baller and just scooping it out of my head. I can have it replaced with a cybernetic eye that has x-ray capability. And yes, I know, I could go to the doctor if it's really that much of a problem, but I try to avoid entrusting my health to an egotistical stranger with no sense of social skills or ability to look beyond a chart unless it's an emergency.

23. People who hide behind the veil of anonymity. I'm not talking about people who want to keep their information private but still have a way to reach them or talk to them. I'm talking about idiots who post things they'd never say in public or even in private if someone knew who they were and where they lived. That's one reason I have never tried to even hide who I am. Anything I post on this blog is something I'd say at a party, in public, or to my parents. Well, if they were drunk.

22. The Macarena.

21. Randy Newman. I can't explain it, but I absolutely hate him. He ruined Toy Story and Monsters, Inc., I have to fast forward past the Monk theme song if I don't want to retch. Those pieces of shit Focker movies with Ben Stiller were made even worse with his horrible tunesmithing and ridiculous lyrics. He's a blight on the face of society and someone should travel back in time and kill his mother just to prevent his birth.

Things I Love:

20. A huge rolling thunderstorm that shakes the windows each time the thunder roars and pours down sheet after sheet of water.

19. Driving 110 mph through four lanes of traffic like it's a chessboard.

18. Walking in the door and taking off my pants.

17. Watching someone open a gift.

16. Swimming bare-ass naked.

15. Taking an entitled, pretentious fuckstick down a notch.

14. When the icing on generic grocery store birthday cake has been in the fridge and is solid enough to pull off the cake.

13. Getting to the movie theater early with Amy and sitting in the middle seats in the row that has the bar in front so you get more leg room, then sitting there and talking while the trivia replays over and over again.

12. Eating a huge holiday meal, then going right to bed and sleeping until the next morning.

11. Curling up somewhere warm and reading an entire book while the entire house is completely quiet and still.

My Favorite Movies of All Time: (As a huge movie fan, I have lots and lots of favorites, so I had to set some limitations. If there were movies with the same actor, I chose my favorite out of the group (for example, my favorites of Punch Drunk Love, Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison, and The Wedding Singer are all Adam Sandler vehicles). I followed this same rule with directors, which meant I had to choose between Luc Besson films. Finally, I didn't choose anything that came out this year because it's still too hard to tell if it's actually a favorite or just a flavor of the month. Oh, and sequels and trilogies count as one movie.)

10. Happy Gilmore – some of the most quotable lines in all of moviedom. Carl Weathers as a one-handed golfer, Ben Stiller as a mustachioed evil nurse, and Bob Barker as an ass-kicker extraordinaire. What could be better?

9. Superman – even with the cheese, this movie is worth it for that one scene when Superman stares up into the sky with a dead Lois Lane in his arms and screams. Gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.

8. Leon (aka The Professional) – the European version is more sordid and twisted, but both versions tell an amazing story of love and revenge.

7. Caddyshack – While Bill Murray's character is funny, it's Chevy Chase's Ty Webb that makes this movie a favorite for me. That, and Lacie's boobs.

6. The Back to the Future trilogy – I have a heterosexual man crush on Michael J. Fox. And while "For Love or Money" almost beats the BTTF trilogy, it just doesn't quite make it.

5. Grosse Pointe Blank – John Cusack at his best. '80s music, a hitman, and a class reunion. The dark humor and sardonic tone means this is a movie that I can watch over and over again.

4. Airplane! – There are many parodies that I love – Spaceballs, Top Secret!, Naked Gun, etc., but I think Airplane! manages to have the most consistent sense of humor and best sense of absurdity. Spaceballs is a close, close second, though.

3. The Addams Family and Addams Family Values – Gomez and Morticia Addams are played to perfection by Raul Julia and Angelica Huston, and Christina Ricci's Wednesday is truly outstanding. These movies are darkly humorous and showcase Barry Sonnenfeld at his best.

2. Clerks I and II – Kevin Smith's bookend movies show his roots, his sensitivity and his growth as a creator. And Clerks II is one of the only movies that makes me get a tiny, wee, little bit misty-eyed at the end.

And, finally . . .

1. Some people find the way I am on my blog to be incongruous with how I am in person. They are not contradictory, they are complementary. Generally speaking, I have a very low regard for people. I think that too few people think for themselves and it becomes such a sheep mentality that I tend to hate most of the world. When it comes to friends and family, though, I lean more towards loving and trusting unconditionally. I will excuse bad behavior or stupidity, make allowances, and avoid from judging those who are closest to me. It's not a matter of finding someone "worthy" of being my friend – it's an issue of finding someone whom I connect with on any level. So, while my general attitude is indeed one of cynicism and qualified hatred towards people, that doesn't stop me from loving those who I do.

Happy New Year, everyone!

If you're new to the horrors of Avitable.com, don't miss out. Subscribe to my RSS feed!

Here's a good one about the end of the year. Thanks to Robin.

Did you kiss anyone?
All year long? I kissed my wife, my mother, my dog, my other wife, the pool guy, my grandmother, and my right hand painted to look like Avril Lavigne.

Did you date anyone?
I did not. I ate someone, though.

Are you going to have someone to kiss when the ball drops?
My other ball dropped when I was 12.

Did you lose any friends?
Unfortunately. But I found a nickel!

Did you gain any friends?
I'd like to think so. Nobody's a real friend until they've emailed me pictures of their boobs, though.

Did you do something new?
I stopped using rubbing alcohol as lubrication when I masturbate. The tears have finally stopped.

Did anyone important to you die?
My Nana.

Did you change?
I think I'm the same person I was a year ago. Well, except for the hump. That's gone.

Are you happy with the year over all?
2007 was a very stressful year, but overall, I think it went okay. Any year without any arrests or warrants is a good year in my book.

What's the best thing that happened to you?
I already told you – I found a nickel!

Did you fall in or out of love?
I was already in love. I did fall in a pool, though.

Are you happy the year’s almost over?
Yeah, I'm ready to start a new year, older, smarter, and wiser, and three inches longer.

Are you going to change something about yourself next year?
Stop lying about my four-foot long penis.

Do you think 2008 will be a better year then 2007?
I know it.

Did you lose your virginity in 2007?
Only anally.

How many things did you screw up in 2007?
I shouldn't have told Jamie Lynn Spears that I was infertile.

Did you go to an amusement park?
I'm legally prohibited from being within 100 yards of any location or business where children may congregate.

Did you lie to your parents?
My mother's Irish Catholic. She can smell a lie from halfway across the country.

Did you get into a fight?
It was me, a pillow, and four high school cheerleaders. Feathers were flying everywhere. It was a massacre.

Did you leave the country?
Well, I went to Kentucky. That's like a whole 'nother world there.

Did anyone in your family get married?
My wife and I get a divorce and re-marry every year. It's romantic.

Do you think you grew?
I've grown into a nicer, gentler person this year. Compared to Hitler.

Did you sing to anyone?
The only person I sing to is my wife, and that's only because she's deaf in one ear and can't hear out the other.

What did you drink and eat the most?
Diet Coke and bacon cheeseburgers. And dolphin vagina.

Are you going to make a new year's resolution?
I'm going to stop censoring myself on my blog. I don't want it to be G-rated anymore.

Did you stick to your new year's resolution from last year?
Avril Lavigne hasn't been kidnapped and made my bride yet, has she?

Here is the direct link.

It's the end of a long, shitty year, so what better way to finish it out than with a few posts of top ten lists?

Yesterday: Top Ten Movies of 2007

Today:

Avitable's Top Ten Television Shows of 2007

(in no particular order)

Once again, these are only shows that I actually watched. No, I don't watch Grey's Anatomy or House or Entourage, so I don't have those to consider. My criteria for choosing these shows is always the writing. If it's a comedy, does it avoid the pitfalls of sitcom stupidity? If it's a drama, is it compelling? Is it something that I could watch again? Am I embarrassed to admit that I like it? Would I follow the writer or showrunner to a new show? Ad nauseam. Oh, and I'm not doing links to them. Google it if you don't know it.

1. Pushing Daisies – By far, my favorite new show of the season. It's just amazing, and I love every aspect of it. I drink in the scenes and the deft wordplay, and the music and everything. I love all of the characters and I have absolutely zero complaints about this show. It even makes up for the early cancellation of the brilliant "Dead Like Me", because without the cancellation, who knows if this one would have ever gotten made.
2. Veronica Mars – Being cancelled was a heartbreak last spring. The third season shined, even with the restrictions and fuckery that the CW imposed, and the glimpse of season 4 at the FBI that was on the DVD was not enough for me. I only wish there could be more! On the plus side, Rob Thomas may be working on a brand-new Cupid series, so that might be a bittersweet victory.
3. Doctor Who – Martha Jones was an excellent companion in this year's series. I didn't think anyone could replace Eccleston, but Tennant did. I didn't think Rose could be supplanted to easily, but Dr. Jones was just wonderful. I just wish it wasn't a year behind the UK!
4. Scrubs – Sometimes it goes for the cheap laughs, but when it goes for the heartstrings, it really tugs! The friendship between JD and Turk feels real, and Sarah Chalke is, as always, gorgeous on screen. I think it's a good year for the show to finally end, so it can end on its terms, but I can rewatch the seasons I have on DVD over and over again and enjoy them just as much as the first time.
5. The Office – What can I say that everybody else hasn't? Michael Scott is a vast improvement from Ricky Gervais's oily weasel boss, and the show continues to draw me in with a very rich and developed group of supporting actors. Some of the best-written parts get left on the cutting-room floor, and watching the hours and hours of extras on the DVDs only extends the viewing experience in the best possible way.
6. Ghost Hunters – This show is the only "reality" television that I'll watch, and it's the only paranomal show that I'd even consider watching. On every other ghost show out there, psychics and "sensitive" people walk into a room and say "Oh, there are ghosts here. I can sense them." It's theatrical and stupid. On Ghost Hunters, watching Rhode Island plumbers Jason and Grant go about trying to debunk every claim they find is an enjoyable experience. These are normal guys who go around, setting up infrared cameras, recording equipment, and employing only scientific methods to determine if something unexplained has happened. If they can't explain it, and if they caught it on video, only then, and only maybe then, will they even admit that there's something wonky about the place. This is a show I look forward to every week.
7. Supernatural – It's just fun. It's not as smartly written as Buffy, the dialogue isn't as sharp as Gilmore Girls, but it has a good sense of humor, explores some interesting corners of the US, and is a fun show to watch. It's gotten even better now, in its third year, so if you checked it out before this fall, give it another chance.
8. 30 Rock – Best comedy on television. Tina Fey is a genius. Alec Baldwin is perfect. Tracy Morgan is crazy, and the supporting staff manages to avoid most of the cliches that you'd expect. I can't say enough good things about this show, and I wish everyone could appreciate the subtlety of some of the humor that fills every scene. As long as it gets renewed, though, I'll be happy.
9. My Name is Earl – Jason Lee's moustache rocks, but it's Jamie Pressly's Joy that steals every scene for me. She's so delightfully white trash that you can't help but laugh. This show also has a supporting cast that rivals The Simpsons in scope, and each character has their own hilarious nuances that clearly defines them so that you remember them each time they show up. I hope that Greg Garcia can keep the momentum going.
10. Psych – This show has finally dispensed with the need for the mystery to be the focus of the movie and has started writing for the well-developed characters instead. It's another fun show to watch – you might not have too much invested in it, but it keeps you laughing and you get the feeling that the actors are having fun doing something they love.

And a couple of Honorable Mentions:

Monk – I love Traylor Howard in this. She's even better than Bitty Schram.
Gilmore Girls – The last season was pretty bad, but the whole series was an amazing journey.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia – This was a tough call. Such a great show, but I think the last season wasn't quite as great as the ones past. Let's call this one #11.
Law and Order – Not SVU, Not CI. Just the original. I love Sam Watterston's Jack McCoy, and the female cop that was in last season was excellent. It's such a great show, but it's so consistently good that I rely on it to always be awesome. It's beyond my top ten. It transcends it.

And a few that I'd never consider:

Lost – What a hack of a show
Desperate Housewives – Should just stick to the daytime like all the other soaps
Prison Break – really?
Heroes – it's not well-written or plotted at all. It's cool to watch superpowers on TV, but the show itself is bad.
Sopranos – hasn't been a good show since the fourth season.
Family Guy – It was only funny before it got cancelled. Now it's tired and played out.

It's the end of a long, shitty year, so what better way to finish it out than with a few posts of top ten lists?

Today:

Avitable's Top Ten Movies of 2007

(in no particular order)

Of course, I only chose movies I actually saw, and I usually pick my top movies based on re-watchability. When I buy it on DVD, am I going to sit down and watch it again, or is it going to sit in the wrapper for a year? How many times will I re-watch it? Do I get excited to have other people watch it, too? Et cetera.

1. The Bourne Ultimatum – This is one of the only trilogies I can think of where the third movie is actually discernibly better than the first two. I enjoyed all of the Bourne movies, even though they are huge departures from the entertaining books, but this one is taut, only contains about ten lines of dialogue, and is viscerally realistic.
2. Grindhouse – Ever the avant-garde filmmakers, Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez gambled with their joint love letter to the exploitation films of the 70s. While each film (Planet Terror and Death Proof) watched separately suffers, the experience of watching them together, with fake previews sandwiched between them, in an audience of movie fans, was tremendous. Once these two come out on one DVD as the experience was intended, I plan on having a Grindhouse moviefest just so people who didn't watch it the way it was intended can truly appreciate it.
3. Superbad – Unlike the cringe-worthy crapfests like The Heartbreak Kid, Meet the Fockers, and others that built plot around devices, this is a comedy that is funny because it's genuine. It's realistic. It's something that doesn't rely on a deus ex machina or cliched plot contrivance to reach a climax. And it's one of the funniest movies I've seen in the last few years.
4. Knocked Up – Also coming from the Apatow-helmed team of comedy geniuses, Knocked Up was funny, touching, and very, very horrifying. Seth Rogen showed that you can headline a movie without being a pretty face from the WB or CW, and Paul Rudd is one of my new favorite actors when it comes to supporting comedic roles. I was worried about this movie because I think that Anchorman is one of the stupidest films to ever come from people who are usually funny, but I think this is definitely the year of Apatow.
5. The Simpsons Movie – Even if this movie was a complete pile of utter shit, a year where we finally got a Simpsons movie would have been a good year. It's even better that the movie is sharp, funny, and felt like the Simpsons of the old days, before all the good writers went to work for Conan, the Daily Show, The Office, and 30 Rock. Maybe someday, they'll attract new writers again, and we'll get some more good Simpsons on TV, but I'm fine watching and re-watching this movie in the interim.
6. Live Free or Die Hard – The fourth installment of the Die Hard franchise is excellent because it doesn't take itself seriously. Bruce Willis's John McClane gets the absolute shit kicked out of him. He gets shot and beaten and burnt and blown up and battered and bruised, and he weathers it like a champ, laughing to himself as he barely makes it out of one ludicrous situation just to land in another. Justin Long does an admirable job as McClane's hacker sidekick, and the computer plot wasn't too hackneyed or convoluted, so even sheeple can follow it. This is a movie that I've seen four or five times now, and it never fails to entertain.
7. Transformers – It wasn't because of the CGI (even though it was fantastic). It wasn't the plot, or the huge, city-destroying action. It was all thanks to Shia LaBoeuf's character, Sam, that I consider this to be one of my favorite movies of the year. If they had gone with a dud as the human backbone to the entire plot, the movie would have been nothing but brainless robot-on-robot action. But Shia managed to inject a genuine sense of humor and comedic timing that made it enjoyable and allowed me to overlook the movie's shortcomings (a lifeless though hot Megan Fox, a scene where urine is supposed to be funny, the hacker scenes). For something based on a toy line, it's come a long way.
8. Ocean's 13 – Another third chapter of a trilogy makes it into my top 10 for the year. Sorry Spider-man 3, but you're out of luck. And let's get it out there – Ocean's 12 sucked. It sucked big hairy gorilla balls and was clearly just a way for the group of actors to hang out at Clooney's European villa and joke around. But they got their act together, and Ocean's 13 manages to recapture the fun and glitz and shallowness of the first one without feeling like a clone or copy. That's difficult to do, and while 13 isn't quite as fun as 11, it's a close one. It's also one of those movies that I know I'll watch straight through whenever it's on TV, just like Ocean's 11.
9. Juno – Ellen Page is an amazing actress. If you haven't seen her in Hard Candy, go check that out. In this movie, she dominates a movie filled with strong actors (Michael Cera, Jennifer Garner, Jason Bateman, J. K. Simmons, and Allison Janney) and manages to pull off snarky, confident, and vulnerable. It's another comedy about pregnancy, but it's more of a tragicomical look at how a teenager's life can completely change in an instant of stupidity.
10. 300 – 300 was just a stylized marvel of amazingly choreographed mayhem, violence, and warfare. It's fun, thrilling, and I almost went gay from all of the hotness. What else can I say?

Honorable Mentions – these are ones that I mulled over, but didn't quite make it:

1. Hot Fuzz – It just didn't quite live up to the tremendously satisfying Shaun of the Dead. It's funny and smart and I've seen it a few times, but I think my expectations were just a bit too high. Let's call this one #11.
2. Breach – Tremendous movie. Chris Cooper and Ryan Phillippe did amazing jobs. It just doesn't have the same rewatchability as the others in my top 10.
3. Sweeney Todd – Another close one. I've only seen it the once, and maybe a few more times will change my mind, but the slowness in the beginning and the fact that they cut out Anthony Head's part so that he only had one short line just doesn't make it quite in my top ten.

And here's the list of ones that I haven't yet seen, but they might have made it in my top 10, if I had. I'll see many of them over the next few months, I'm sure:

I am Legend
Charlie Wilson's War
Disturbia
Into the Wild
Gone Baby Gone
3:10 to Yuma
Alpha Dog
Elizabeth 2
Enchanged
The Kingdom
Michael Clayton
No Country for Old Men
Ratatouille
Southland Tales
The Ten
Walk Hard
Zodiac