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Lazy Sunday XVII

As everyone requested, we’re back to the funnier, more absurd, less true answers to the random surveys I find on Myspace.

1. I have come to realize that my ass:
My ass represents all that is beautiful and awesome in this world. It’s like two cinnamon buns covered with a slight dusting of monkey hair.

2. I have come to realize that when I talk:
When I talk, women throw panties at me. Men throw manties at me. Monkeys throw poop at me.

3. I have come to realize that, if I love someone:
If I love someone, I should probably go talk to them rather than just sneaking outside their bedroom window.

4. I have come to realize that I need:
I need to buy socks made of steel wool. Cotton ones can’t handle my razor toenails.

5. I have come to realize that I lost:
I lost any real sense of propriety when I was a naked go-go dancer for Thai businessmen at the age of 6.

6. I have come to realize that I hate it when:
I hate it when I travel back in time and get hit on by my mother and my hand disappears.

7. I have come to realize that if I’m drunk:
If I’m drunk, I’m naked. People are scared. Rioting ensues.

8. I have come to realize that marriage:
Marriage is easy if you know how to apologize without your ego bruising, if you know how to appreciate what your spouse does for you on a daily basis, and if you know how to create the perfect alibi.

9. I have come to realize that work:
Work is only work if you let it affect you like that. Me, well I just put on my stilettos, get my feather boa, and dance around the pole with a smile on my face.

10. I have come to realize that I will always be:
I will always be able to kill a yak from 200 yards away with mind bullets.

11. I have come to realize that I like:
I like adolescent porn, double cheeseburgers, and chocolate. Not necessarily in that order.

12. I have come to realize that the last time I cried was:
The last time I cried was every morning, when I wake up and realize that my prayers for a three-foot long penis and a vagina on my left thigh were once again unrealized.

13. I have come to realize that my cell phone is:
My cell phone is set to vibrate and pressed up against my balls. And I keep calling myself!

14. I have come to realize that when I wake up in the morning:
When I wake up in the morning, there’s always something different lodged in my ass.

15. I have come to realize that before I go to sleep at night:
Before I go to sleep at night, I strip down to my underwear, dance in circles, and slather myself in mayonnaise.

16. I have come to realize that right now I am thinking about:
Right now I am thinking about whether or not I have enough mayo. I might have to use peanut butter instead.

17. I have come to realize that babies:
Babies taste good with butter, on toast.

18. I have come to realize that when I get on Myspace:
When I get on Myspace, it’s usually to try to find some 16-year old girl who wants to earn some cash making a sex tape with an older man.

19. I have come to realize that today:
Today I got caught masturbating in a G-rated movie at the theater again.

20. I have come to realize that tonight I will:
Tonight I will put on a fake nose and a wig and go back.

21. I have come to realize that tomorrow I will:
Tomorrow I will not punch a nun in the crotch.

22. I have come to realize that I really want to:
I really want to punch a nun in the crotch.

23. I have come to realize that working out:
Working out is something I’d do if I was a trophy wife with actual free time.

24. I have come to realize that friends:
Friends are good when you need to borrow a chainsaw, some trash bags, and their pickup truck, no questions asked.

25. I have come to realize that my exes:
My exes were probably right to get those restraining orders, but I’m keeping the profits from the sex videos.

26. I have come to realize that I love:
I love the feeling of the wind on a freshly shorn scrotum.

27. I have come to realize that I hate:
I hate Meryl Streep.

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30 Replies to “Lazy Sunday XVII”

  1. Avitable

    Amanda, I’m right handed. If it was on the right thigh, that would be difficult.

    Mr. Fabulous, clearly.

    DB, I hate her, Glenn Close, and Kyra Sedgwick. I wish they would all die in a car crash and burn.

    Absurdist, yeah, for actual facts, you should just by the official Avitable Encyclopedia.

    Britt, well, as long as it meets your demanding and exacting standards . . .

  2. hellohahanarf

    p.s. i’m glad you are back to your less than truthful answers. i easily recozgnized it when you didn’t say “light mayo” or “i can’t believe it’s not butter”

  3. MyWeeWorld

    What did I lol at? Anything to do with masturbation. Why??? What is with me and that subject?

    And yeah, if I weren’t so freaking hung-over right now, those cinnamon buns would be awesome. The real ones, ya freak!

  4. Avitable

    Nina, I think my favorite color is black. Maybe red. And I drink Diet Coke.

    Boy Blunder, I can’t tell you.

    Bethie, your baby thinks your foot is for eating, though!

    MyWeeWorld, jerkin’ it is always funny.

    Gwen, you’ll probably spear me and roast me over a fire.

    Tug, it’s quite a scene!

  5. Sybil Law

    I was going to point out my favorite answers but it turns out they’re all my favorites!!!
    Shorn scrotums and pole dancing and everything but the steel wool socks (oh god I hate steel wool) and crazy toenails made me laugh. Those two made me cringe.
    I like it when you make me laugh and cringe.
    I’m not sure what that says about me!

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