I Call It Dating. You Call It Stalking.


Before today’s post, I just wanted to let you know that today is the deadline to email me at my first name at my last name dot com, with the subject line of “Santa is coming” and include your address so I can make sure you’re on my holiday card list!

Today, we decided to decorate the Christmas tree. It’s actually been up (it’s an artificial one) for two weeks, but we never got around to putting any ornaments on it because of Amy’s travel and my general laziness when it comes to something other than work.

In 83 degree weather, I put on the Santa hat like I always do, and we opened up the Christmas ornament boxes. Unlike a certain stick-in-the-mud’s tree, our tree is not a Martha Stewart-esque image of perfection. It’s not color coordinated, it’s not decorated in grids with perfectly matching bulbs, it’s not even perfectly straight.

We actually put all of our personal ornaments on there. We have ones we’ve received from family members (and some of them are oh-so-fugly), we have ones that we’ve bought for each other every year, we have ones we made when we were too poor to do anything for the holidays, and we have a mishmash of ornaments that each have their own story. We also put lights on the tree in addition to the white lights that come attached to the branches. This year, they’re these purple/blue/green/orange/pink ones that are absolutely hideous, but seem to complete the tree, and it really starts to feel like Christmas is coming.

After decorating the tree, we started discussing the outside decorations.

“Do you want to put some lights up out front?” My wife asked.

“I don’t know – we don’t really have enough to go crazy, so it just looks half-assed.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. Besides, our lights are for us, not for our neighbors. Who cares if they see them?” She started pulling out the light nets and rope lights and stuff.

I asked, “You want to decorate the backyard instead?”

“Yeah, why not? That way, we can enjoy them more than if they were in the front. And it will surprise anyone who comes in. It will be all like, serious out front, and then a party in the back.”

“So you want our Christmas decorations to be like a mullet?”

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44 Replies to “Christmas”

  1. Gwen

    I’m having trouble believing that your tree isn’t straight. If it weren’t it definitely would be colour coordinated, Fab-u-lous and wouldn’t be caught dead with anything sporting a mullet.

  2. Avitable

    Britt, don’t assume there’s a soul in there somewhere. Although, I am Catholic, so I guess there is one.

    Amanda, I know – mullets are awesome!

    Hello, real or fake?

    Gwen, good thinking. I guess it must be straight!

    Bethie, we have to go buy more lights first.

    NYCWD, mullets are the new black.

    Dee, I don’t do Christmas emoticons.

    Absurdist, oh pshaw. I make you guffaw all the time.

    Fabulous, you try to maintain a real tree in Florida after all of these years?

    RW, yes. Yes, she does.

    HG5, our house will have become a redneck!

  3. hellohahanarf

    i know the horror this is to some people, but i am all about the fake tree.

    the days after christmas i am literally brought to tears when i see live trees on the curb, dying while waiting for the garbage men. i can’t bring myself to kill a tree just for a few weeks. call me a tree hugger, i don’t care. (come to think of it, i actually dumped a guy over the real vs. fake tree issue. not proud, simply stating the facts.)

  4. Y2K Survivor

    I was kind of hoping the Christmas Emoticons would have boobies with spinning red and green tassels, but I guess Santa taking a wiz on the roof top is pretty cool too. By the way, how did you ever talk Britt into posing for the naked emoticons you run all year?

    I just decorated our mailbox and the front porch and in typical Holiday joy I thought, “To hell with the drive-by gawkers, they can look at the neighbor’s house.”

  5. Avitable

    Christie, you know we have smilies so you don’t have to type out “lmao”.

    Hello, fake trees are much easier to clean up, too.

    Bossy, it’s been here since Halloween!

    Metalmom, why can’t you do a fake tree?

    Robin, all business in the front and party in the back!

    Trish, front, back and interior? That’s wayyy too much.

    Y2K, I looked for those emoticons, but couldn’t find any.

    Charissa, it’s a very mullet Christmas.


  6. Amy

    You added Christmas smilies?!!?!?!?!?

    Who are you and what have you done with Adam?

    And… mullet HAHAHAHAHA. Actually, that is a pretty wicked idea. Good for you guys. But, seriously, at least hang a wreath the on front door for God’s sake.

  7. Angel

    :xmas1: I love the smilies!! My tree is color coordinated (blue ans silver), but it certainly doesn’t look like Martha Stewart decorated it. I’m thinking of going with an Ohio State theme for my tree next year.

    I think it is awesome that you put all of your personal ornaments that have sentimental value on the tree.

  8. Avitable

    Amy, I figured I might as well add some smilies. And we do have a wreath on the front door.

    Wayne, I’m sorry our mullet house makes you feel bad.

    Angel, an Ohio State theme, eh? That would be interesting to see next year.

    Mom, apparently your decorating style isn’t good enough for your daughter.

    Tracy, what can you even decorate in that case? You hate Christmas anyways, don’t you?

  9. Nina

    I put lights up and my apartment is on the 14th floor, so obviously it’s just for me. But they are sort of visible from the street, which is sort of nice. The city spends thousands on lights all over the city though, so we don’t hurt for decorations.

  10. Poppy

    I am celebrating anti-Christmas. No decorations whatsoever. It’s pretty liberating, actually. I’m still going to people’s houses on the day (and the days around it). Oh, and sending Amanda a Christmas card. And you. And Fab? etc.

  11. Sybil Law

    I think that’s how Christmas trees are supposed to be. Tacky and filled with memories – not coordinated and stuffy and – you said it – soulless.
    My tree is totally tacky and I love it – because my almost 6 year old helped me decorate it and we have to make sure only soft ornaments are at the bottom because the cats will knock them off.
    I love it.
    Mullets ROCK! Hahahaha

  12. Avitable

    Nina, if your lights are visible from the street, does that mean that your bedroom is too?

    Poppy, no tree?

    Bec, when you gotta go, you gotta go.

    Sybil, mullets are the bane of our existence.

    Preposterous, do you even like your husband, because it never sounds like you do!

    Girl, Dislocated, very possibly.

    CMG, I’m more concerned with the “seeing Billy Ray Cyrus” thing.

  13. Poppy

    What the hell am I gonna do with a tree? All the ornaments are “busy” elsewhere. (Please don’t mention the fact that there is a christmas store exactly 1/10 of a mile down my street, ktxbai.)

  14. Avitable

    Poppy, but there’s a Christmas store exactly 1/10th of a mile down your street!

    Bec, you make Santa drink and drive?

    Crazy Lady in Vegas, that’s true. Jesus had the first mullet, after all.

    Dawn, it will be the classiest one ever. Well, after Richard Dean Anderson.

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