Back in March, I held a Q&A round. Many of you might not have been reading me at that time, so I decided that nine months is enough time to bring this old chestnut back out.
In the comments, I would like you to ask any question you want, and I will answer all of them as well as I possibly can. I will answer every question asked, no matter how personal or absurd.
Ask in the comments and I'll dedicate the next few posts to answering them. Each person may ask ONE question. The person who asks the best and most creative question (as judged purely subjectively by me) will win a prize. A cool prize. It might be a fake moustache made out of my pubic hair. It might be a frozen spermsicle. It might be a nude portrait of me drawn by a blind woman who had to draw by touch. You'll never know unless you ask!
If you're new to the horrors of Avitable.com, don't miss out. Subscribe to my RSS feed!
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Comments by Amy
Here's my question:
If you could live one day as another person (not someone that is famous), in their life, who would you choose, and why?
Also, I've already taken my sleeping pills, so I commented on the post that you linked to- the one from March. I edited it out, but I cannot delete it.
Comments by Angel
If you had to choose only one kind of entertainment for a year, would you choose:
A)The music of Avril Lavigne
B)The television show(s)/movies of Tina Fey
C)Monkey/snake/dolphin porn
D)Girls Gone Wild: Barely Legal
Comments by Amanda
Would you let Burt Bacharach fist you in the ass for 22 million dollars?
keep in mind that he DOES play the piano for a living, and probably has fairly meaty fingers.
Comments by Zom
Here's my question: What is the best (your favorite) way to respond to those people who insist on ending every conversation with "God Bless You" or so help me, "Jesus Loves You?"
Comments by jester
Since "Tis the season and all that shit....
"What was the worst Christmas Present you ever got that you had to pretend you loved it to spare the giver's feelings?"... and I want details. Maybe an entire diatribe.
Comments by MsFreud
Why did you at first agree to hold a dancing rematch down the line, and then back out of it like a wussbunny?
Poppy said it's because Britt controls you and told you not to do it. I'm looking for the straight dope, Pilgrim.
And don't you lie to me, with my wife's cookie crumbs still littering your colon!
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
My question, if you choose to accept it:
Have you ever had sex with anyone so skank you wanted to go home and boil your crotch?
Comments by golfwidow
Fucker!! I was going to do this!! God DAMN YOU AVITABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
why do you hate me?
Comments by Miss Britt
OK, can I BE the blind woman drawing by touch? I will wear the blindfold.
As for a question, here goes:
Over the last little while that I have gotten to "know" you (and by "know", I mean that you stalk me and send me dead animal body parts in the mail), I have found you to be an endless source of entertainment and joy. As such, I have decided that we should get a group of folks together and start our own country on a tropical island in the middle of the ocean. Since you will be, of course, the perfect choice for our leader, please list the other members of your ruling party (made of all bloggers) with their titles and general duties.
That's not phrased in the form of a question, but get over yourself Oh Great Leader. Now is not the time to get high and mighty on power and heroin.
Comments by ADW
How much money would your father have to offer you to remove his surname from here like he requested?
Comments by DeannaBanana
if you could go back in time, when and where would you go? (small followup question: while there, would you change any event?)
yeah, i know you said one question and technically that was two, but bite me. i'm curious as to how that gloriously whacked mind of your works.
Comments by hellohahanarf
how about adw's question makes me wanna start a blog, just so that i could work for you on that island...
Comments by hellohahanarf
When you die what will happen to you?
Comments by Poppy
Fab! I said that in confidence!!!!
(I totally don't remember saying that.)
(Hmm. I might have said it, but not like that. I think I more than likely said that Britt told Adam he can't dance so he shouldn't try anymore. I personally disagree; he can totally dance.)
Comments by Poppy
I actually have a video of Adam dancing that he won't let me put on the Internet - although I'd love to. Adam swears to me he can't dance, not the other way around.
I'm not sure where this delusion came from that I control Avitable.
I'd like to point out that he signs my paychecks, not the other way around.
Comments by Miss Britt
Well, if you call an X marked with a feces-stained finger "signing"...
I don't know where that came from.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Hmmmmm, interesting. A question of Avitable.
OK. What was your first time like? Meaning, the first time you had sex. DETAILS! The poor female involved, age, place, yadda, yadda.
Inquiring minds want to know!
Comments by Coal Miner's Granddaughter
If you were to have a Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor named after you what would the name be and what would the flavor include.
Comments by Robin
When two countries disagree about something they try to talk it out but sometimes it doesn't work out and, before you know it, they're yelling at one another and then - if things get really bad - they put all their guys in uniforms and go around killing one another. they kill each other, they kill women and children, they blow up buildings and they try to starve people to death.
My question is... Who came up with that shit and since when is that, like, OK to the point where people are happy about doing it a lot of times?
Comments by RW
Uh, I would ask a question but I'm afraid I would win one of your prizes.
Comments by Jeff
What is your favoriate holiday movie and why?
Comments by Karen
Pardon me, do you have any grey poupon?
Comments by themuttprincess
"I'm looking for the straight dope, pilgrim"
hahaha oh Mr. Fab
Comments by Amanda
Would you ever consider jerking off with sandpaper then jumping in a pool of rubbing alcohol?
Comments by Preposterous Ponderings
I m not sure if someone's already asked this (I don't have time to read all the comments), but -
What made you start blogging, and what are the best/ worst things about it?
Kinda lame but I'm not sure I've ever heard you discuss it!
Also a spermcicle actually sounds better than the moustache.
Comments by Sybil Law
So before you started shaving your balls... what did it look like over there? Did you trim it now and then or leave it grow wild? Did you braid it, dye it.
Comments by DutchBitch
Do you enjoy the smell of your own farts?
Comments by RamblinRose
What's the most outrageous thing you've done on your own initiative? on a dare?(this blog does not count)
Comments by Turnbaby
if you ABSOLUTELY had to pick between being a fully committed Catholic, Jew or Pagan, which would you choose and why?
Comments by Crys
Why is a raven like a writing desk ?
Comments by Paticus
if love were hot dogs, how much would you love me?
Comments by Crys
If you were a cereal manufacturer, what would you market and what toys would you include for the free gift.
Best I could come up with I'm afraid.
Comments by Dan
Okay, lets assume that you are home, uhhh, blogging. Yes, blogging! Strangely, you are fully clothed (hey, just play along!). The doorbell rings. It's either a Jehovah's Witless or part of the Mormon Brigade. How wiil you scare them away? Remember, you are FULLY clothed!
Comments by Mari
Let's assume you're on death row and you have to order a last meal and you get one last request. What would the meal be and what else would you ask for?
Comments by Hilly
Okay, here goes: I have died and you have been named guardian of my 4 children. You can not ship them away or kill them. They HAVE to come live with you and your wife. What do you buy each of them for Christmas? REAL presents, not gag gifts. They are a 17 yr.old boy, a 16 yr.old girl, a 13 yr. old boy, and a 7 yr. old boy. And no fair saying you will send Amy or Britt to shop for you.
Good luck!
J.
Comments by HoosierGirl5
Bo or Luke Duke?
Comments by Dave2
If you were a character on Heroes, what would your power be?
Oh, and a word to the wise for Britt... be careful how much you control him. It could kill you.
Look what having his hand up a frog's ass for 20 years did to Jim Henson.
Comments by NYCWD
How does Freddy Kruger wipe his butt?
Comments by AnnieB
Funny you should post this. I was actually going to ask you this question in an email, but since you just invited me to do it publicly...
Why aren't you practicing law?
Comments by Girl, Dislocated
Ooo, you've reminded me about the post I never posted on the old site... Must find!
Q: In the final battle between good and evil who will you be siding with and what will your role be?
Comments by Bec
You're the guest of honour at a dinner function. There's no one there except you, the caterers and every person you ever slept with. After dinner, you're expected to make a speech. What do you talk about?
RMB
Comments by borysSNORC ™
If zombie Jesus came back to lead the zombarmy in an epic battle for power against the evil forces of santa and his horrible minions, keeping in mind that santa has demon reindeer that fly and zombie Jesus controls the awesome power of the zombarmy and is one of the living dead, what shirt would you wear to watch the fight go down?
Comments by Gwen
iy you were Santa claus, what would you get for George bush this christmas!
Comments by the_boy_blunder
follow up question: What is the most retarded moment you have had in your life, where you felt as stupid as Bush?
Comments by the_boy_blunder
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Avitablepop?
Comments by Wayne
If your penis was a Transformer, what would it convert into?
Comments by Y2K Survivor
Uh.. I only asked that because, well uh... I am hoping my penis really is a Transformer because THAT is the only excuse I am comfortable with for all the skid marks.
Comments by Y2K Survivor
What's the weirdest thing you've ever done in a public place?
Comments by Kylah