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What the everloving fuck?

Before you get to today’s post, don’t forget to go into the comments of yesterday’s and ask me a question!


The information about my actual business has been changed to protect my stupidly retarded clients.

Okay, so let’s say you own a business that sells cyberskin vaginas that are warm to the touch and very realistic and almost indistinguishable from the real thing. And let’s say that you’re so confident in the quality of your vaginas that you actually guarantee that it’s the most realistic fake vagina they’ll ever feel or they get a full refund.

How frustrated would you be if you had the following telephone conversations?

One week earlier:

BRRRRIIIINNNNNGGGGG!!!!

Me: Vaginator, Inc, for the times you’re in a rush for snatch you can’t match. How can I help you?

Idiot Retard Dipshit with the Brains of a Cow with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (IRDBCFAS): Hi, yes. I wanted to find out more about how I can take advantage of the vaginas you have available.

Me: Well, sir, I can definitely help you with that. Have the vaginas you’ve been finding in the real world not met your needs?

IRDBCFAS: No, not at all. Some are stinky, some are the wrong color, and one was actually a butthole in disguise. I really need a vagina, though, and I need one fast. I really need to get myself into a nice, cozy vagina within the next eight months.

Me: No problem! Our custom vagina service, called Just Twat You’re Looking For, is designed with you in mind. We’ll custom-make a vagina that is perfect to your liking and fits your needs and penis like the love glove you’ve needed. It only takes about three weeks to create, and we offer a full, money-back guarantee if it’s not vagtastic!

IRDBCFAS: Oh, that sounds wonderful! I’ve been trying poor substitutes, like two pieces of lettuce that I microwave, a jar of peanut butter, and three hairbrushes taped together, but nothing’s been satisfying my need for a better fake vajayjay.

Me: We definitely provide the best one out there. Our cost is about $4,000, but since the government wants you to try all the pussy you can, it’s tax deductible, and once again, we guarantee it! Penis happiness, we call it.

IRDBCFAS: Well, it’s a lot of money, but I really need to find myself a vagina soon, or I’m out of luck. Can I think about it for a few days? I’ve got a meeting with two of the smelly ones and the butthole later, but I really need my own fresh, clean vagina that I can take home to my mother.

Me: Absolutely. I’ll follow up in a few days. Have a vaginamazing day!

Four days later:

Me: Hi, IRDBCFAS? It’s Adam from Vaginator. Just following up after we talked about your need for an excellent artificial cock box.

IRDBCFAS: Hm? Oh yeah, I remember. Sorry, but I decided to go with the butthole.

Me: You did? But I thought you wanted a vagina?

IRDBCFAS: I was a bit worried about not finding a good vagina in the next eight months, so I just went with the butthole.

Me: You do understand that I could have presented you with a freshly made vagina ready for penile gymnastics within three weeks, and I would have guaranteed your satisfaction, right? And even though you wanted a vagina, you’re going to go with a butthole?

IRDBCFAS: Yeah, well, I won’t go with the butthole forever. Just for a little while.

Me: But . . . but . . . I . . . you . . . vagina . . . guarantee . . . cock . . . pussy . . . retard . . . head . . . exploding . . . PLOOOOOMPH.

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35 Replies to “What the everloving fuck?”

  1. Miss Britt

    At least they didn’t say:

    “what do you mean you charge a fee for your vaginas?!!? But, but – you make them special for me!!! Why would you charge a FEE for that?!!?

    Can I pay you after I’ve jizzed all over it?!?”

    Those are my favorite.

  2. Dave2

    I don’t have $4000… can I like… I dunno… put a vagina on layaway or maybe get a vagina time-share or something? And if time-sharing is an option, do I get a guarantee that anybody else using my vagina will treat it properly and not get it all infested or anything?

  3. Dee

    How long will you spend with me if I’m not really sure what I’m looking for in a vagina? This sounds like an excellent business, and Just Twat You’re Looking For has my vote for name of the year :lmao:

  4. Nina

    May I humbly suggest that you take more time off for personal reflection, fun times with Mrs. A. Avitable, and just plain rest? Because if you have to have conversations like that all day, and you work, as you have recently reported, 18 hours a day, you must be about half dead.

    Please take care of yourself. People in the computer need you.

  5. Amy

    Between your post and Britt’s comment.

    Bwahahahahahahaha.

    Yeah, I can see where someone picking a butthole over your vaginas could be frustrating, but maybe he just didn’t swing that way.

  6. DutchBitch

    FOURTHOUSAND DOLLARS!!!! That must be a heck of a custom made vagina! It sounds so good I might have a penis constructed by the plastic surgeon just to order a vagina from your company!

    *off to call plastic surgeon*

  7. Avitable

    Britt, or, “There are other vaginas on the street that are free. I know they have diseases and will rot my cock off, but that’s okay. They’re free.”

    Amanda, aww, so sweet.

    BPR, such a pisser.

    Dave, if Steve Jobs made an artificial vagina for $4,000 and called it “iPussy”, you know you’d have the cash.

    Dee, we’ll work until you find a good fit.

    Fabulous, you’ll be the first person I tell.

    RW, no, no, call me!

    ADW, can we use yours as a model?

    Metalmom, babymakers.

    Hello, yeah, and this is why I call everyone “sheeple”.

    Poppy, no, it means he went with something he didn’t want that was free.

    Nina, it’s only the left half. The right half is still alive.

    Amy, a hole’s a hole! But ours is better.

    DB, you mean yours isn’t worth that much?

    Tracy, I misread that as “turd wrangling”.

    Poppy, I’m here. Just busy!

  8. borysSNORC ™

    There’s something strange about the vendor/consumer relationship that inevitably turns even seemingly intelligent individuals into ‘Customers’ or should that be ‘Cuntstomers’? And Customers are the bane of your existence if you’re in any type of public facing industry… I used to work on a helpdesk – they’re all wankers but you kinda can’t do business without ’em.
    RMB

  9. yaleman

    I think you’ll find that the general rule is the second that a customer starts and interaction with a representative of a business, their IQ instantly gets reduced to single digits.

    There are two kinds of humans in this world – people and customers.

  10. Avitable

    Crazy Lady, no I’m much hairier than that.

    Britt, well, yeah, that, too. But I also hadn’t replied to any comments either.

    Poppy, I only bring the generator out if the power’s going to be off for an extended period.

    Peggy, everyone’s vagina is worth that much!

    Preposterous, no. Well, that’s what my lawyer said at the last trial.

    borysSNORC, we work with educated individuals, too, and they’re even worse!

    Yaleman, your good point notwithstanding – did you go to Yale or something?

  11. yaleman

    Nope, not to the university, much lamer than that. Years ago (when I was in primary school) the BP service stations were selling american university hats for $4.95 with x amount of fuel – guess which one I had?

    It’s sad, but somehow I used that nick somewhere and it’s stuck. 🙂

  12. Y2K Survivor

    damnit! HCG stole my reply! I was going to guess your new business was called Rump Rangers.

    Admit it, you and Britt refurbish old second hand fake vaginas, then sell them as “like new” on eBay. It’s ok dude, it’s not glamorous or cool but it is semi honest work you can do with a semi hard on. Cudos to you.

  13. Sybil Law

    Hahahahahahahahaha
    I can always count on you for a laugh! Unfortunately, it might seem like I am laughing at your situation and frustration.
    And I guess I sort of am!
    But seriously – people suck ass.
    Maybe that’s why he went with the ass.
    Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

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