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Lazy Sunday XVIII

Thanks to Jester for the questions.

1. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you laid in a bed with?

Well, since I volunteer as a couples mattress tester for single people over at the local Rooms-to-Go, I laid in bed with a very nice widowed teacher named Mary.

2. Where was the last place you went out to eat?

I don’t eat out anymore. I just drive around during dinner time and stop at random people’s homes and invite myself in. You’d be surprised how many people think that a Health Inspector can regulate how you cook your meals at home.

3. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed?

The year was 1995. The bottle was Southern Comfort at first. Then it was a dead solider, much too quickly.

4. Which do you prefer – eyes or lips?

I’d rather not get come in my eyes, thank you very much.

5. Medicine, fine arts, or law?

What about them? I trust medicine to save my life, enjoy the fine arts, and love the law. I also think holistic medicine is a crock of shit, performance artists are morons and the people who draft the law are either highly corrupt or very stupid.

6. Best kind of pizza?

There are many best kinds of pizza. The worst kind is when someone rolls it up, smacks you in the head while the cheese drips down and scalds your face, and then throws it face down on the floor and makes you eat it from there. That’s called an “Adam”. At least that’s what my father said*.

7. Is your bedroom window open?

We bought a budget house. Our windows are just painted on. One is painted open, though, and it looks very nice outside.

8. What is in store for your future?

An exciting new life as a woman named Adamina.

9. Who was the last band you saw live?

With my wife? Billy Joel.
By myself? Gwen Stefani.
Escorted out by security and banned for life? Avril Lavigne.

10. Do you take care of your friends while they are sick?

I’m always there to lend a hand or amputate any body part that they need.

11. What is your favorite soda?

I like to take Diet Coke, add 14 caffeine pills, shake it up violently, and then open the can directly in my throat. I also haven’t slept in three weeks.

12. How many songs are on your iTunes?

Only one, but it’s four days long.

13. When was the last time you purchased something over $500?

Well, the guy I pay to come in and put my socks on my feet charges $500 a month, and I just had to pay him.

14. Where is the last place you drove to?

People still drive to places? That’s so quaint! Why would I want to go anywhere when I have the Internet?

15. Any historical figures that you envy?

I only envy hysterical figures.

16. What brand of digital camera do you own?

I just use my photographic memory and draw anything that I’d like to keep for posterity.

17. When was the last time you got a good workout?

Just finished the 2007 Midget Tossing Olympics.

18. If you need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first?

I have to order direct from the same place that makes jeans for Koko the gorilla.

19. What were you doing at 11:59 PM on Monday night?

Dreaming of a world where everything was made of chocolate and peanut butter, including people. I woke up with my wife’s leg in my mouth.

20. Are you a quitter?

I tried to quit quitting, but it was too hard, so I quit.

21. Who was the last person you had in your house?

“Had”? Probably that high school girl who was dropping by to sell magazines so she could go to Italy with her class. I made her an offer she couldn’t refuse, mainly because her mouth was full.

22. Can you speak another language?

I can say “Are you wearing panties?” in four languages.

23. How about you put your legs behind your head?

If I could do that, I’d never leave my room.

24. When was the last time you went dancing while under the influence?

I only dance sober. Safety first, people.

25. Nickname?

I don’t have one. Now I’m depressed.

26. Describe what you are wearing in detail?

What I always wear when I’m on the Internet. A three-piece suit and a fedora. No shoes, though.

27. What do you think about people who party a lot?

I think that their parties suck and the stupid people probably stupid party because their stupid friends are stupid. Stupid!

28. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Talking about it doesn’t make me uncomfortable. Being asked to perform it on stage with a horse does, though.

29. What was the last CD you purchased?

A 4 month, 5 percent, $5,000 one. Did you know you can buy those on iTunes?

30. What are two bands or singers that you will always love?

Professing my love for these bands violates the terms of my restraining order.

31. What of the seven deadly sins are you guilty of?

Other than that one time that I lazily stabbed that whore I was fucking because I wanted her necklace and she laughed at me, then ate her while stealing all of her money? None.

32. Did you just have to google the seven deadly sins to see what they were?

Aren’t they Annoying Humming, Peeing on the Floor, Letting your Children Yell at the Movies, Forgetting to Courtesy Flush, Doing the White Man’s Dance, Saying “Like, You Know”, and Having a Bumper Sticker on your Car with Calvin Peeing on Anything?

33. Where is your favorite place to get coffee?

I don’t know, but my least favorite place is that homeless guy who just pees through a filter and tries to sell it as a new Starbucks brand.

34. Have you ever been offered a job?

Once, but I think the girl was a dude.

35. Have you ever stolen anything off of a road?

I only steal things that hover.

36. When was the last time you dyed your hair?

Did you know that Hollywood Cerise is actually pink? I do now!

37. Who was the last person you rode in a car with?

I only drive around in a rickshaw.

38. Have you kissed somebody in the last 2 weeks?

I made a fist with my hand, drew eyes on my knuckles, and put lipstick on the mouth part and made out with it for an hour. Then it gave me a blowjob.

39. Miss someone?

Nope. That’s why I use boomerangs.

40. Is there someone you want to fight?

I’m a lover, not a fighter. Well, I’m an eater, too. And a licker.

*No, my father didn’t actually do that. Sorry, Dad, if you’re reading this!

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16 Replies to “Lazy Sunday XVIII”

  1. Amy

    I think it’s sweet that you would take the time to apologize to your dad. And… now Maggie is getting very excited about your santa smilies. Thank God she doesn’t notice all the boobies and butts.

    Except… she just said, Oh LOOK Mommy, there’s Santa Nekkie and the reindeer.

    So, gee, thanks a bunch.

  2. Avitable

    Amanda, not at all, why ever would you ask?

    Britt, ooh, good point. I do have awesome nicknames!

    Trish, anytime.

    Hello, I think you should. Let me know how that goes.

    Poppy, he’s aware of it, but I don’t know if he reads it or not.

    Tracy, that’s a good one, too.

    Amy, Santa Nekkie. That’s awesome!

    Mr. Fabulous, do you want to go back to China? ‘Cause I’ll send your ass back there if you don’t pull this rickshaw immediately!

    Bec, yes, and it may be coming to a town near you at some point.

    Bogup, we’re part of the American Licking Society.

  3. hellohahanarf

    after my beloved steelers devestating (albeit anticipated) loss to new england yesterday, my drunk self stopped at my aunt’s house and informed her that i was a health inspector who needed to regulate her cooking habits. and it worked…i got a free meal.

    i know, i know. that doesn’t exactly count. but it is a start. i’m working up to stranger’s homes…

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