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Round One

Last week, I opened the floor to questions, promising to answer every query posed. I ended up with almost 50 questions, so this will be a three (maybe four) day post. Let’s start with Round One:

1. Amy asked:

Really? Are you having that much trouble finding decent blog fodder?

Well, Amy, while I said only one question per person, you clearly think you’re special, so I’ll let it slide. This time. Regarding your questions, I have plenty of blog fodder, but I know that, as an elusive Bigfootesque celebrity blogger, my life is full of mystery, and by letting the public ask me any question, uncensored and unedited, it’s just my little way of giving back to the community.

2. Angel asked:

If you could live one day as another person (not someone that is famous), in their life, who would you choose, and why?

If I wasn’t going to be myself, I would want to be someone who was famous. Being someone else unknown really doesn’t benefit me in any way. I can’t think of anyone not famous who I would want to be. Is Willy Wonka famous?

3. Amanda asked:

If you had to choose only one kind of entertainment for a year, would you choose:

A)The music of Avril Lavigne;
B)The television show(s)/movies of Tina Fey;
C)Monkey/snake/dolphin porn; or
D)Girls Gone Wild: Barely Legal?

While I think that having the music of Avril for a year would be pretty sweet, since I usually listen to her at least a few days a week, I’m also a very visual person, so I need something I can watch. I don’t enjoy monkey/snake/dolphin porn, except for its shock value, so that’s out. The Girls Gone Wild: Barely Legal is very tempting, because it combines three of my favorite things – girls, barely legal, and boobs – but I can masturbate at anything. If I see a tree that looks like a naked woman, I’m done in about three seconds. So that leaves Tina Fey. She’s smart, so I get the brain candy for a year. She’s hot, so I can whack it like a spastic monkey, too, and I can sing Avril while I do it.

4. Zom asked:

Would you let Burt Bacharach fist you in the ass for 22 million dollars? Keep in mind that he DOES play the piano for a living, and probably has fairly meaty fingers.

Is that his going rate now? Shit. I got $22.00 last time.

5. Jester asked:

What is the best (your favorite) way to respond to those people who insist on ending every conversation with “God Bless You” or so help me, “Jesus Loves You?”

I smack them in the head with a box of frozen peas and as I run away, I shout, “And May Peas be With You!”

6. MsFreud asked:

What was the worst Christmas Present you ever got that you had to pretend you loved to spare the giver’s feelings?

I subscribe to the philosophy that it is indeed the thought that counts, and if someone went to the effort to give me a gift, I would appreciate it fully, even if it’s not something that I ideally wanted. Unless it’s a coffee mug – I mean, anyone who knows me in the slightest knows that I drink Diet Coke and only Diet Coke, and getting me a coffee mug is like getting me an extra set of toes. Yeah, people might notice, but a fat lot of good it does me.

7. Mr. Fabulous asked:

Why did you at first agree to hold a dancing rematch down the line, and then back out of it like a wussbunny?

My hero, George Costanza, told me to always go out on a high note. Thank you, good night!

8. Golf Widow asked:

Have you ever had sex with anyone so skank you wanted to go home and boil your crotch?

No, but watching the Paris Hilton sex tape makes me want to pour boiling water on my groin. Does that count?

9. Miss Britt asked:

Why do you hate me?

You’re a dirty-minded vain condescending egotistical fucker with a sarcastic sense of humor who’s always right and knows it. In other words, you’re me, but I’m way too awesome to actually hate myself, so this is the next best thing.

10. ADW asked:

Over the last little while that I have gotten to “know” you (and by “know”, I mean that you stalk me and send me dead animal body parts in the mail), I have found you to be an endless source of entertainment and joy. As such, I have decided that we should get a group of folks together and start our own country on a tropical island in the middle of the ocean. Since you will be, of course, the perfect choice for our leader, please list the other members of your ruling party (made of all bloggers) with their titles and general duties.

The downfall to doing this is that invariably someone will be left out and then will feel like I don’t like them. So, before I list anyone, if I didn’t mention your name, please realize that you will be part of the harem.

Leader for life: Me. Duh.
Consigliere: RW. He’ll be our elder statesman.
Enforcers: Britt and ADW. Everybody will underestimate them until they get the crotch-face 1-2 punch combo.
Artist Laureate: Dave2.
Commissioner of Decency and Standards: Mr. Fabulous.
Social Chair: AmyD.
News Correspondent: Crystal.
Military Advisor: Tracy Kaply. Her every attack will result in someone getting stabbed with a spoon.
Security Information Officer: Poppy.
Fluffers: Amanda and Sarcastica.

Okay, that’s it for today. Tune in tomorrow for more answers about the one and true Avitable!

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38 Replies to “Round One”

  1. Nina

    Dammit, I was all distracted and I forgot to ask you a question.
    Do you accept late questions? What if the question is “When is the last time you shaved and went beardless?”

    God that’s a boring question. Sorry. I’ll just go away now.

  2. Amy

    I don’t want to know. I guess I should just be happy I was not put in charge of the Welcome Wagon. I know what your idea of a “warm welcome” would be and I don’t want any part of it!

    :xmas4:

  3. Amber

    Your answer to Miss Brit had me cracking up laughing. You two are so great.

    Anyway…

    I’ve been trying to think of a question to ask you since you offered yourself up as the lamb for a sacrifice… I mean… so generously offered to answer questions uncensored and unedited.

    But I have wayyy more than just ONE question.

    Like…

    What’s your favorite position to have sex in? Do you really hate kids as much as you say? Do you want them in the future? You read a ton of blogs — do you have a certain criteria list that one has to meet to be one of Avitable’s favorites… or do they just need to send you chocolate? How’d you come up with the “Tact is for pussies” slogan? Do family members read your journal?

    There’s more where that came from.

    But since you said only one… I’ll let you pick which one you want to answer. Because I am so nice like that :D.

  4. Miss Britt

    “I smack them in the head with a box of frozen peas and as I run away, I shout, “And May Peas be With You!””

    :lmao: :lmao:

    Ha ha, he he, ha ha – OMG, hahahahaha

    The visual image of your running has had me cracking up all morning.

    ROTFLMAO… runs away… HAHAHHAHAHHAHHA

  5. Poppy

    That’s right, bitch/fucker, you totally need me.

    (heeee, I couldn’t decide which mean name to use so I just slashed them!)

    Ok, how much am I getting paid for CSIO? Because you might be able to sway me away from a non-existent offer at my current employer’s.

    I really think you should reconsider Crys’s role. She’d do a much more purposeful job as your spiritual advisor.

    PS – I didn’t make round one?! You should have made an exception.

  6. Avitable

    Amanda, just bring your kneepads.

    Nina, well, I’d prefer that questions get asked in that post so I have one list of them, and it’s still open to questions, so go ahead and ask it in there.

    Amy, oh, you’d want a part of it, absolutely.

    Amber, you get to pick one and go over into that post and ask it in the comments there. But just in case you don’t, here you go – flying camel, yes, maybe, yes, no, it came to me in a dream, and maybe, but i’m not sure.

    Dave, well, of course.

    Mr. Fabulous, are you writing about whirled peas? How far ahead of time do you write your posts, you overachieving bastard?

    Britt, well, let’s just say it’s more like striding than running.

    Poppy, the perqs are all of the compensation. And Crystal would have been a great spiritual advisor – didn’t think of that. I am answering the questions in the order that they were received so that I don’t forget anyone.

  7. hellohahanarf

    that paris hilton “sex” tape literally put me to sleep. never thought sex could be boring, but she sure as hell proved me wrong.

    i love that the peas you throw are frozen. that image is cracking me up this fine monday.

  8. Avitable

    RW, yo, yo, it’s aight. You cool.

    Metalmom, I’m a giver, what can I say?

    Robin, how is it that you managed to completely mangle the spelling of his name when I spelled it above correctly?

    Poppy, as usual!

    ADW, I know you’d be a good fluffer, too, but I think that enforcer might be even more appropriate.

    Hello, frozen peas make a better impact when they hit.

    Angel, our morality advisor?

  9. Wayne

    I’m confused. I thought the Paris video was pretty good. Or was she in 2 girls 1 cup? Cuz I haven’t seen it yet nor will I be likely to. Even if Paris is in it. Or it’s in Paris. Or whatever.

  10. Kylah

    I’m annoyed I missed asking a question. Is there any chance I can add in a question? If so I’d like to ask “What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever done in a public place?”. I think that Willy Wonka counts as being famous, but are we talking from the book, the first movie, or the second one?

  11. Avitable

    Y2K, you can be part of my harem.

    DB, shhh.

    Preposterous, that’s my goal.

    Robin, damn straight.

    Tracy, yes sir!

    Tug, ooh, good point.

    Crystal, well, more about visual media. And how about spiritual advisor, too?

    Wayne, I was bored through most of the Paris video, if you watch the whole thing.

    Angel, sweet!

    Kylah, you can go ask a question in the original post still.

  12. Sybil Law

    Whirled peas! I am so seeing some myspace ganking! Haha but still – I also looove that whole image!
    The Paris video I have not seen, but every guy I know was mostly turned off from her, which is sort of strange, comsidering she was naked and willing.
    Good thing my video never got out. 😉

  13. Y2K Survivor

    Its too late. I already mailed the specially made Diet Coke Mug… (the sides looked and felt like hooters but the mouth of the mug was like a vagina) to Ricky Williams of the Miami Dolphins to use for his hourly Urine Analysis as mandated by the NFL.

    By the way, you would not believe what what the straw looked like! :xmas3:

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