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Round Two

Last week, I opened the floor to questions, promising to answer every query posed. I ended up with almost 50 questions, so this will be a three (maybe four) day post. Round One is done, and here’s Round Two:

11. Deanna asked:

How much money would your father have to offer you to remove his surname from here like he requested?

Luckily, that’s no longer an issue. My father changed the whole family’s last name to Dudemeister last week.

12. Hellohahanarf asked:

If you could go back in time, when and where would you go? (Small followup question: While there, would you change any event?)

Since my ultimate goal in life is to be able to sit back and enjoy luxury without having to work for it, I would probably go back and either buy stock in Microsoft, start eBay or Youtube, or have sex with Paris Hilton, record it on video, and sell it.

13. Poppy asked:

When you die what will happen to you?

I’m hoping that the entire world will mourn, Elton John will write a song called “Recockulous Man”, and I will be launched into space where aliens will find me, resurrect me, and treat me like their ruler.

14. Coal Miner’s Granddaughter asked:

OK. What was your first time like? Meaning, the first time you had sex. DETAILS! The poor female involved, age, place, yadda, yadda.

I stripped down and saw her naked back glistening in the moonlight. “Yay” I said softly. “Nay”, she replied. I ignored her and approached her. With a tentative finger, I reached out and probed the area she’d kept from me so long. And then she kicked me in the head and broke out of the stable.

15. RW asked:

When two countries disagree about something they try to talk it out but sometimes it doesn’t work out and, before you know it, they’re yelling at one another and then – if things get really bad – they put all their guys in uniforms and go around killing one another. they kill each other, they kill women and children, they blow up buildings and they try to starve people to death.

My question is… Who came up with that shit and since when is that, like, OK to the point where people are happy about doing it a lot of times?

I believe it was Napoleon Donnerparty who said, “Walk softly and let them eat cake” before plugging the hole in the dike with his apple tree.

16. Karen asked:

What is your favoriate holiday movie and why?

I typically hate holiday movies because the plots are never any good, the music sucks, and the whole film is usually a steaming pile of shit. I had never seen A Christmas Story until I was an adult, so I’ve never thought it was as funny as everyone else did, and I think that Christmas Vacation is the weaker of the four movies. So, I’d probably have to go with Scrooged, although the last ten minutes or so, when he realizes he’s been wrong, sucks Santa’s left rosy ass cheek.

17. The Mutt Princess asked:

Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?

I’m sorry, I only share my special fancy mustard when I’m in my limousine.

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32 Replies to “Round Two”

  1. NYCWD

    Its still possible to have sex with Paris Hilton… and make money from it.

    Granted, you may want to be able to travel into the future for the cure to all the inevitable STDs you’d be contracting… otherwise how would you enjoy the money?

  2. Avitable

    KG, it usually looks better when the blockquote is more than one line long. Oh well, you’ll get over it.

    Amanda, Elliot Dorian works well, though.

    Fabulous, I know!

    RW, I schooled you.

    Britt, dogfucker.

    NYCWD, good point. I’ll start working on that time machine first.

    BorysSNORC, that is a good one. Nice choice.

    Poppy, it’s better for them to just think it and treat me like it. Less responsibility for me.

    Robin, well, I didn’t want to share with you. Plus, you were on a bike.

    AnnieB, it’s good to see that bitchy Annie is back.

  3. Mari

    Oh, come on! Everybody knows The Ref is the best holiday movie out there. What could possibly match Dennis Leary’s snarky, sarcastic humor? Well, maybe your snarky, sarcastic humor. You didn’t invite me last time you tied up a family for Christmas – which totally sucks. Maybe if you had I wouldn’t be forced to watch it every year (ok, at least twice!).
    :xmas4:

  4. Sybil Law

    Oooh, The Ref! That movie rocks! Good one, Mari!
    Okay – and now back to you – you still craaaazy.
    I’d have thought you’d pick Avril Lavigne to write a song about “Avi the cockslapping monkeyfucker”.
    Hmm….

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