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Round Three

Last week, I opened the floor to questions, promising to answer every query posed. I ended up with almost 50 questions, so this will be a three (maybe four) day post. Round One and Round Two are done, and here’s Round Three:

18. Preposterous Ponderings asked:

Would you ever consider jerking off with sandpaper then jumping in a pool of rubbing alcohol?

Consider it? It’s what I do every Saturday night for fun!

19. Sybil Law asked:

What made you start blogging, and what are the best/worst things about it?

I started blogging after moving back to Florida from Los Angeles when I was very frustrated with the piece of shit that I worked for who was destroying the company I had created. It took me a while to get beyond ranting and posting random links, and I’d like to think I’ve evolved considerably in my blogging since then. I think the best thing about it is the sense of community and the friendships that result. Oh, and the blowjobs. The worst thing is some of the pettiness and childish nature of some bloggers who feel like anonymity gives them powers to be retards. Oh, and the blowjobs where they use their teeth.

20. DutchBitch asked:

So before you started shaving your balls… what did it look like over there? Did you trim it now and then or leave it grow wild? Did you braid it, dye it?

I usually dye it purple and give it a fauxhawk, but I’m partial to 1970’s manbush.

21. RamblinRose asked:

Do you enjoy the smell of your own farts?

I don’t believe in farting.

22. Turnbaby asked:

What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve done on your own initiative? On a dare?

On my own, the only thing I can think of is driving about 120 down a dark highway at night with my lights off. It’s exhilarating. On the less risk-taking side of things, I also took over my college television station for a four-day weekend and made Channel 2 say nothing but “The Avitable: Remember the name”. On a dare, I streaked through a neighbor’s backyard and got caught by my friend’s grandmother.

23. Crystal asked two questions:

A. If you ABSOLUTELY had to pick between being a fully committed Catholic, Jew or Pagan, which would you choose and why?

I’d probably choose Judaism. I love potato latkes. As it is, though, I am Catholic, and Catholicism has a lot to offer, even with all of its faults. In the end, though, I’d like to be my own religion.

B. If love were hot dogs, how much would you love me?

A cheddarwurst.

24. Paticus asked:

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

Because you cannot ride either of them like a bicycle.

25. Dan asked:

If you were a cereal manufacturer, what would you market and what toys would you include for the free gift?

I think that Cinnamon Toast Crunch is almost a perfect cereal. I would just add chunks of chocolate to it (in a greater quantity than that shitty Life with Chocolate), and the prize would be an actual ray gun with pure vaporizing action.

26. Mari asked:

Okay, lets assume that you are home, uhhh, blogging. Yes, blogging! Strangely, you are fully clothed (hey, just play along!). The doorbell rings. It’s either a Jehovah’s Witless or part of the Mormon Brigade. How wiil you scare them away? Remember, you are FULLY clothed!

Well, the easy answer is that I would slowly strip down while talking to them and see how much clothing I could remove before they bolted. Another way is to just stare at them without saying a single word. They’ll get more nervous and keep talking until they finish what they have to say and then leave. Also, I throw frozen peas at them.

27. Hilly asked:

Let’s assume you’re on death row and you have to order a last meal and you get one last request. What would the meal be and what else would you ask for?

My last meal would be a medium rare filet mignon, oscar style, with a side of Heaven and Earth mashed potatoes and a chocolate lava cake for dessert. My last request would be to get released. Duh!

28. HoosierGirl5 asked:

Okay, here goes: I have died and you have been named guardian of my 4 children. You can not ship them away or kill them. They HAVE to come live with you and your wife. What do you buy each of them for Christmas? REAL presents, not gag gifts. They are a 17 yr.old boy, a 16 yr.old girl, a 13 yr. old boy, and a 7 yr. old boy. And no fair saying you will send Amy or Britt to shop for you.

That’s easy. In order: Car, iPhone, Nintendo Wii, Nintendo DS.

29. Dave2 asked:

Bo or Luke Duke?

Well, Bo had that curly hair and boyish charm, while Luke had the military training and older brother attitude. Tom Wopat played a villain in Smallville, and John Schneider played Pa Kent, so I’ll have to go with Bo.

30. NYCWD asked:

If you were a character on Heroes, what would your power be?

Does this mean that I have to pick one of the specific characters or make up my own? If I had to choose an existing character, I’d be Bob with the Midas touch. If I could make up my own, I’d take superspeed. Something moving at superspeed is almost invulnerable, has strength that is multiplied exponentially, and has time in the day to do everything he wants to do. Plus, I’d finally have an excuse for sex only taking three and a half seconds.

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47 Replies to “Round Three”

  1. hellohahanarf

    wait, i was the first comment??!?! damn, i might have to mark the calendar.

    (p.s. anyone else notice that the face on the santa peeing sorta looks like he is about to throw up? like he drank waaaay too much?)

  2. AnnieB

    “I was very frustrated with the piece of shit that I worked for who was destroying the company I had created.” I’m confused. Why was someone else the boss of a company you created?

  3. Avitable

    Hello, I love the Dukes of Hazzard! And you win a prize for first commenter – a picture of my balls!

    Mr. Fabulous, well, duh. Doesn’t everyone?

    ADW, it has nothing to do with the lack of caffeine and everything to do with the fact that I’m fucking hilarious and awesome.

    Britt, I am too Catholic, and I am NOT declining!

    Poppy, I’ve been honest for most of my answers.

    BPR, well, I can’t say “May Peas be with you” if I only throw one pea, can I?

    AnnieB, he owned it. I did all of the work in creating, developing, training, hiring, firing, and making it successful.

    Robin, they are indeed awesome. It’s one of the few reasons I refer to myself as an honorary Jew.

  4. Avitable

    Poppy, how do you know?

    TMP, I’m an open book. A dirty, dirty book.

    Hello, there is no maintenance.

    BPR, fo shizzle.

    Metalmom, it was quite the sight.

    Bossy, you’re calling me prolific? You post more than any person I’ve ever seen, and such effort goes into everything, too!

    Sarcastica, I’m disappointed in your poor commenting.

    Wayne, are you Mormon or a Jehovah’s Witness?

    Amy, she does revel in it and giggle when she does it.

    Britt, I’ll derive some pleasure from punching you in your tears.

    Hilly, Smallville was the big factor for me.

    CMG, Coy and Vance sucked!

    Cheri, those aren’t typical Christmas gifts?

    Robin, I suspect that they wouldn’t taste very good after traveling through several states to get here, unfortunately.

  5. Cheri

    They may be typical for some but I never got a car for xmas and neither will my son. He won’t get an iphone either. I’ll be lucky to get one myself.
    Yes we have a Wii but it was a purchase I made for both of us with bonus money. No way would I buy him that for xmas. The DS – ok that one he did get for xmas. 🙂
    I just can’t see spending 200+ on a xmas gift when everyone else is buying him shit too! Now his birthday – different story. I’ve easily spent 300+ some years. lol
    However this is coming from a broke ass single mom who this year will be lucky to have $25 to spend on her child.
    So can you adopt me? lol

  6. Avitable

    Crystal, you didn’t know that? Yeah, Jesus is aware of it – he’s rolling over in his grave/throne.

    Cheri, Christmas is usually where I spend more money – the birthdays tend to just be one small gift.

    Poppy, it’s all true, though.

  7. Y2K Survivor

    I can not believe you blew right past the pegan option with all the naked dancing, High Priestess endorsed orgies and everything is topped off with a virgin sacrifice.

    Then again if Pegans are more like the TV show “Charmed” where the world is dominated by three frigid chicks, I guess I also would have to pass.

  8. Sybil Law

    Ooooh – can I have a prize (thanks, Poppy!)?!
    Question from your answers to the other questions: if sex is only 3 & 1/2 minutes, then how long do blow jobs last?!
    If you were Jewish you’d have to eat gefilte fish. GROSS!
    Bo was so hot.

  9. NYCWD

    Mmmm… I’m trying to figure out how superspeed lends to strength.

    But I totally understand the 3 second thing. There’s only so many times you can say, “I have sensitive skin,” with a straight face.

  10. Avitable

    Sybil, blowjobs last forever.

    Poppy, umm, both, and yes!

    NYCWD, the same way that a straw can go through a tree trunk if there’s enough force behind it. m=va2 and all that jazz. When The Flash is running up at the speed of light and punches someone, the weight of his fist is multiplied exponentially. Realistically, the person’s head would just cease to exist.

  11. HoosierGirl5

    I am impressed! You did a great job! The two youngest already have your selections from last Christmas, but still, you were right on.

    The oldest two completely agree with your choices. It ain’t gonna happen, but they were good choices nonetheless.

    You would make a great parent!

  12. Avitable

    Poppy, hellz yeah. I’m cool like that.

    Turnbaby, yeah, I have no shame.

    NYCWD, well, to the person moving at speed, it’s all relative, so the hand would be affected just as much as if it actually hit something at normal speed. And the original Flash was wearing a soup bowl, not a hubcap. He used it to catch bullets and fling at bad guys like a boomerang.

    HG5, boy, you spoil your kids! 😀

  13. Avitable

    Poppy, you’re not the arbiter of cool! And I think I should make a conscious effort to use that smiley constantly now! :tongue1:

    NYCWD, I don’t know how you can’t see how awesome the Flash is. He’s better than all the others combined!

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