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Round Four

Last week, I opened the floor to questions, promising to answer every query posed. I ended up with almost 50 questions, so this has taken a few days. Round One, Round Two and Round Three are done, and here’s the final round, Round Four:

31. AnnieB asked:

How does Freddy Krueger wipe his butt?

Very carefully.

32. Girl, Dislocated asked:

Why aren’t you practicing law?

It took two summers working with a criminal defense attorney and a family law attorney to realize that the practice of law was not for me. Unless I was going to do something transactional, which held no interest for me, I couldn’t face the concept of litigation being so far from the area of intelligent strategy and manipulation. People also assume that practicing law automatically means six figures when you’re first out of school – this is only true if you work for one of the big name drone firms where they work you to death as a glorified slave. Many lawyers only make $40,000-$50,000 a year, especially at first, and so I decided to do something else, but use the education I received to help me succeed. And I’m glad I did.

33. Bec asked:

In the final battle between good and evil who will you be siding with and what will your role be?

I’ll just stay behind the scenes and manipulate both sides, then come out with whichever side actually wins. I’m ambivalent, so I can go either way.

34. BorysSNORC asked:

You’re the guest of honour at a dinner function. There’s no one there except you, the caterers and every person you ever slept with. After dinner, you’re expected to make a speech. What do you talk about?

It’s funny you ask this question, because it just recently happened at a Girl Scouts meeting. We talked about cookies.

35. Gwen asked:

If zombie Jesus came back to lead the zombarmy in an epic battle for power against the evil forces of Santa and his horrible minions, keeping in mind that santa has demon reindeer that fly and zombie Jesus controls the awesome power of the zombarmy and is one of the living dead, what shirt would you wear to watch the fight go down?

I’d do the same thing I do when I watch Little League games. Go naked.

36. The boy blunder asked:

If you were Santa Claus, what would you get for George Bush this christmas!

A safety helmet to wear so that people would know that he was special.

37. Wayne asked:

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Avitablepop?

Twelve licks, one nibble, four sucks, and a couple of jerks.

38. Y2K Survivor asked:

If your penis was a Transformer, what would it convert into?

Curiosly enough, it is a Transformer and it turns into a boombox.

39. Kylah asked:

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever done in a public place?

I like to pull up in a large Six Flags bus, get out while dressed in an old man costume, and then do a crazy dance while everyone watching starts relaxing and gets on the bus. Then I torture them and skin them for my own private collection.

40. Nina asked:

When is the last time you shaved and went beardless?

I started growing the beard when I was 15. I was forced to shave it a few times by my parents, but from age 17 until now, 13 years later, I have had some form of the beard, whether it’s just a goatee, a full beard, or some combination. I have no idea what I look like without one, and I’m scared to find out.

41. Robin asked:

If you were to have a Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor named after you what would the name be and what would the flavor include?

If I had a flavor of ice cream named after me, it would be called Gorilla Balls. A banana, vanilla ice cream covered in chocolate sprinkles or, even better, chocolate shavings to look like hair, and malted milk balls. Oh, and a salty surprise at the bottom of the glass.


And that’s it! Thanks to everyone for asking a question. I’ll have to think about it and see which was my favorite and who will win the prize. If anyone has any suggestions for the best question, let me know in the comments.

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55 Replies to “Round Four”

  1. Coal Miner's Granddaughter

    So, I’m thinking that if you do shave your beard, it would be one of the seven signs. You know, four horsemen of the apocalypse, red moon, black sun, yadda, yadda, Martha Stewart hand-making marshmallows. Just don’t do it, man! The world might end and REM will have another hit song. Noooooooo!

  2. Avitable

    Amy, all of my answers are 100% truthful and serious*.

    Mr. Fabulous, any way but that way.

    ADW, you don’t want a companion piece to the other autographed ball picture I sent you?

    CMG, I’ll add that to the list of reasons not to do it. I don’t want to shave it off ever, but Britt keeps trying to get me to do it.

    NYCWD, or I could make a chocolate gun as a gift and since he’s busy, just run up to him real quickly and hand it to him.

    *this answer may not be true.

  3. hellohahanarf

    i bet you would have such pale skin on your chin if you shaved that you would pretty much have a white goatee. sounds like it could be incorporated into next year’s halloween costume.

  4. Avitable

    Hello, it would probably glow in the dark, too.

    Robin, I seriously don’t know how that happened. It must be subconscious.

    Clown, why three months?

    Poppy, how does that alienate anyone? Do I have a bunch of poor lawyers who read me or something? And money is a big part of life.

  5. Poppy

    Alienation’s for the rich, and I’m feeling poorer everyday. A-hey, hey, hey.

    I have no idea if poor lawyers read you, but $40-50k a year is not poor for the majority of this country, of this world. Just sayin’.

    Money is stupid.

  6. Avitable

    NYCWD, well, the true value is that if you go into the right location with that piece of paper and no life experience, you make $150,000 a year. I choose to see the education as being valuable, which it definitely has been, both in creating my business and in my life.

    Britt, you’d be ineligible anyway, since you have mental powers over me, remember?

  7. NYCWD

    I’m not saying the education doesn’t have a value… but you need to have practice in applying the education in real life to get the most out of it.

    I have to wonder about those “right places” though… considering a friend of mine got his law degree from Dartmouth, worked for two years at the $55,000 job learning how to apply his knowledge… and now sends the IRS more money than I make in a year every 4 months so he doesn’t have to make a lump sum payment in February. I think he’s in the “right place” now… but it did take some sacrifice… and life experience.

  8. Avitable

    NYCWD, I’ve got many friends who stepped out of law school making $125K-$130K who are now making $200K. I’ve also got some that are making $35K. The degree doesn’t mean that you’re going to automatically make good money with no experience, but it means that it can be a lot easier! And your friend must be lying to you, because Dartmouth doesn’t have a law school.

    Robin, I think I’m jealous that you get to eat latkes anytime you want.

  9. Avitable

    Amanda, it means you wish you had a penis?

    Poppy, no, I’m not being pedantic. Dartmouth College is an Ivy League college, and any law school associated with it would be ranked accordingly. Southern New England School of Law is a very low-ranked school that has just changed its name. Big difference.

  10. NYCWD

    Really? Then does Columbia? He went to both… but now I can’t remember which was first and which was second.

    I agree it can make it easier and isn’t an automatic… and often times you can start making killer money, not live up to expectations, and end up making less than you should.

    Choice of field also matters greatly, which is another factor that can determine your potential income.

  11. Avitable

    NYCWD, yeah, he must have gone to Dartmouth for undergrad and Columbia for law school. And the choice of field or specialty makes a huge difference, too.

    Poppy, it’s not pedantic. Someone graduating from “Dartmouth” Law School would be lucky to make $20,000 a year at first.

  12. Avitable

    Robin, very true. Would you like some Gorilla Balls?

    MyWeeWorld, now my gorilla balls are all tingly.

    Poppy, who? Me? Or MyWeeWorld?

    Jay, law school was fun, and I learned a lot. The practice of law is what sucks.

    TMP, yeah? I might do that.

    Crystal, how about “whack” or “beat”?

    Preposterous, too bad it’s over then, huh?

    Clown, retard.

    AnnieB, well, to redeem myself, Krueger’s glove is only on one hand, and he can remove it, so all he’d have to do is take it off or just use his left hand.

    Real Live Lesbian, I must be a simple lesbian too.

    Sybil Law, is that a banana in your pants?

    Wildbill, you’re an idiot.

    Liquid, I just redeemed myself.

    Sarcastica, we can share – you take Canada and I’ll take the real world.

    Girl, Dislocated, that must mean I like you the best!

    Didier, Buster Crabbe.

    Bogup, the flaw is that you think I’m mortal.

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