This one's a cross between a survey and Family Feud.
1. How long do you spend in the shower?
Usually I spend three seconds cleaning my body, thirty seconds cleaning my face, forty seconds shampooing my hair, beard, and other hairy spots, and ninety minutes cleaning my penis.
2. Name something a football player wears under his uniform?
I thought football players didn't wear anything under their uniforms. Or is that Scotsmen and their kilts?
3. Name something people hate to find on their windshield.
Richard Simmons
4. Name something a man might buy before a date.
A roll of duct tape.
5. What's another word for blemish?
Somewhat blem.
6. Name something you cook in the microwave.
A cat poop and spinach casserole.
7. Name a piece of furniture people need help moving.
I'll choose random houses and go in and help them move their televisions out, even when they're not there and haven't even asked for my help.
8. Name a reason a younger man might like an older woman.
You can perform oral sex and motorboat her boobs at the same time.
9. Name something a dog does that embarrasses its owner.
Get arrested for shoplifting.
10. Name a kind of test you cannot study for?
Testicle.
11. Name something a boy scout gets a badge for?
Shaft handling technique.
12. Name a phrase with the word Home in it?
I tried to put Grandma in a Home, but they wouldn't accept posthumous check-in.
13. Name a sport where players lose teeth?
Minesweeper
14. Name something a teacher can do to ruin a student's day?
Laugh at the size of his penis.
15. What is a way you can tell someone has been crying?
Snot trail.
16. Name something found at a séance?
Otho. (If you don't get this, I'm very disappointed in you).
17. Name a bird you wouldn't want to eat?
One that had been firmly lodged in anyone's rectal cavity. Or a parrot.
18. Name something that gets folded?
My clothes, by the magical laundry fairy.
19. Name something a person wears even if it has a hole in it?
Hazmat suit.
20. Name something that gets smaller the more you use it?
A bizarro penis
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Beetlejuice?
Comments by Amanda
#8 is now my reason for never dating again.
Thanks.
Oh yeah, as to #14... I'm withdrawing my son from school on Monday.
Thanks again for improving the quality of my life.
Comments by Mary
I like this format!
I feel sorta bad, but #12 cracked me up the most!
Comments by Girl, Dislocated
9. Name something a dog does that embarrasses its owner.
Get arrested for shoplifting.
That one made me laugh.
Comments by Poppy
Ninety minutes? I don't know how you're cleaning your penis, but methinks you're doing it all wrong if it takes you... oh... ha... "cleaning your penis" is a metaphor isn't it?
God I hope so...
Comments by Dave2
Otho. Fucking priceless. I hear Harry Belafonte makes appearances at the odd seance as well.
Comments by Gwen
I admit. I googled otho.
Comments by Gecko Rock
#8 = best MEME response ever!!!
Otho? Not sure what you meant by that and be disappointed in me.
+250 for the duct tape answer
Comments by ADW
I'd hate to find Richard Simmmons in my living room. Finding him on my windshield wouldn't bother me.
Comments by AnnieB
Someone has been taking his funny pills...
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
I'll admit it - Richard Simmons made me laugh the most.
Comments by Miss Britt
Dearest A. Avitable,
Regarding name a phrase wih the word homework in it: a phrase is a group of words that contains a subject and a verb, but not both. Your answer contains two subjects and two verbs because it contains two clauses. Clause one is "I tried to put my Grandma in a Home" and clause two is "but they wouldn't accept posthumous check in." Also, the pronoun "they" has no referrent. Just saying.
Sincerely,
Bitchy English Teacher Nina
Comments by Nina
I would think that a driver would get a reward for capturing Richard Simmons on his windshield.
Comments by Amy
LOL @ Otho!
Let's all do our own privates parts to make this pleasant, shall we?
Comments by metalmom
Amanda, I knew you'd get it. Well done.
Mary, you don't want to receive oral sex and get motorboated at the same time?
Girl, Dislocated, it's definitely an interesting format. I'll have to find more like this.
Poppy, well, that's the point!
Dave, well, there's about a half mile of it, so it can take a while.
Gwen, day-o.
Gecko, your credibility is now shot, forever.
ADW, bitchcakes, have you ever seen Beetlejuice?
AnnieB, if he was permanently attached there it would bother you.
Mr. Fabulous, damn! I thought this was Viagra.
Britt, well, any day that I can make you laugh is of course something I note on my calendar to record for posterity. /dripping sarcasm
Nina, yeah, I know. But I couldn't think of any phrases that were funny. And "they" clearly refers to those who work at the Home. It's assumed.
Amy, a greasy spot of Jericurl gayness on your windshield isn't worth any reward.
Metalmom, I'm glad you got the Otho reference.
Comments by Avitable
Dripping sarcasm my ass.
Don't make me post the audio files of you calling me.
"did you read it? do you like it? did you laugh? i bet you'll laugh. oh I hope you'll laugh. i don't know what i'll do if you don't love me! WAHHHHHHH!"
Comments by Miss Britt
Britt, what's your ass dripping? Maybe you should have that looked at.
Comments by Avitable
You're taking me to the doctor today, right?
Comments by Miss Britt
You're not getting in my car with ass drippings! Maybe you can sit on the roof.
Comments by Avitable
i just had the image of you driving down the road with britt & richard simmons holding hands on the rood of your car. coz i bet his ass is dripping something, too.
ewww. can't believe i actually thought that. sick. just sick.
Comments by hellohahanarf
Hello, you're a sick fucker.
Comments by Avitable
Ugh I was going to comment but you people all made me sick with the ass drippings and Richard Simmons talk!
Of course, I am laughing hysterically, too, but still.
Comments by Sybil Law
Sybil Law, you know, if you just read me every morning like you're supposed to, you could miss out on the ass dripping talk.
Comments by Avitable
I know, but where would the fun be in THAT?!
But you're right. I should be a better blogreader.
Still - where else can I read about ass drippings?
Damn that makes me LOL.
Comments by Sybil Law
Sybil, maybe someday I'll write a post all about ass drippings just for you.
Comments by Avitable
Awww... you give me the warm fuzzies all over...
Comments by Sybil Law