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Fuck the Turks

Three things first:

1. I just got all the Christmas cards finished finally – over 218 of them in the mail, some as far as Australia and Singapore. I, of course, expect at least 200 cards in the mail in response.
2. I also got a new smiley – check it out. Thanks to Tori for the GIF!
3. I haven’t read blogs or commented in three days, nor have I replied to anyone’s comment. I’ll get on that today.

When I was 8, I read the entire Chronicles of Narnia series over the course of a weekend. I was absolutely enthralled with them. The books had adventure, love, mystery, death, war, sadness, happiness – everything you could want in an epic tale. I loved Aslan the Jesus Lion, Puddleglum the Marshwiggle, Reepicheep the brave mouse, and Bree the Horse. But most of all, I was fascinated with the idea of Turkish Delight. What could this food possibly be that had such a hold over Edmund that he would betray his whole family just for more of it? I could only imagine how delicious and mouth watering this delicacy would be, and part of me thought that I would die before ever achieving my dream of tasting Turkish Delight.

But like a balding, bespectacled Superman, Dan from All That Comes With It swooped to my rescue. Early last week (I would have posted this earlier, but I had to answer everyone’s questions!), I received a package that was practically brimming over with magical goodness in the form of Turkish Delight.


Eagerly, I tore the package open. And while I didn’t experience light from the heavens and an angelic choir when I opened the box, my anticipation was at its breaking point.


I grabbed a lemon one and bit in with gusto.


Like the connoisseur that I am, I savored the flavor and bouquet.


I also grimaced at the flavor and bouquet.


Maybe it wasn’t the lemon flavored one that Edmund loved so much.


Well, it sure as fuck wasn’t the rose ones! Who thinks it’s a good idea to make a delicious magical candy taste like stale rose water mixed with rotten rose petals?


Someone liked it. But she also eats food that smells like my ass.


Thanks to Dan for hearing about my dreams and answering them by lifting them high above the earth and letting them plummet at terminal velocity through the atmosphere, bursting into flame and smashing in a charred pile in a car crusher, which then crushes those dreams into a small tablet that is fed to a homeless person who then just shits it out on the sidewalk.

If C. S. Lewis wasn’t dead already, I’d kick him in the head.

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71 Replies to “Fuck the Turks”

  1. Dan

    I feel so bad about the disappointment I’ve caused you. In an effort to make amends I’ve sent you a Magical Wardrobe in the post (at least the man in the shop assured me it was magical).

    Unfortunately I didn’t have enough change on me at the post office so I sent it Postage to be paid on delivery. Hope that’s ok.

  2. Nina

    Try another one in a few days. It could be an acquired taste type thing. I looks very pretty. UPDATE ON YOUR SWEATER: I am covered in mitten orders right now, but I have not forgetten you. It won’t arrive before Christmas, but you will have a mudflapper. Soon.

  3. Wayne

    I think it’s all about perspective. Compared to what we have available now-adays, sure – it’s not so hot. But compared to bread pudding, horse crap and camel urine (the staples of a diet back then), I’m sure you’d think it’s pretty darned good.

  4. Avitable

    Amanda, it’s true!

    NYCWD, yeah, exactly. Well, except for the being shit out by a homeless guy part.

    Gwen, what is a Big Turk Bar? And if it’s anything like Turkish Delight, we’ve clearly evolved beyond that backwards tasting ass-food.

    HG5, me too! I thought it was going to be like awesome creamy fudge. I had a friend with me who tried to eat some, too, and he took the pictures.

    BorysSNORC, you know people who love it? I’d rather eat boiled bull testicles, much less boiled broccoli.

    Dee, you’re glad my dreams have been destroyed?

    Dan, sure. As long as it’s magical!

    Nina, it’s not an acquired taste. And I will eagerly await my sweater.

    Mr. Fabulous, strangely, blowing you tastes just like the rose-flavored one.

    Britt, maybe if you would have tried some and let me taken a photo of you, I could have offered more photographic proof. Thanks for ruining my post.

    Wayne, I might be more inclined to try horse crap.

    Boy Blunder, okay, you’re really going to have to start typing like an adult for me to even respond to you.

    ADW, well, your flower tasted pretty good.

  5. golfwidow

    I don’t like Turkish Delight either. That Man of Mine likes it, but he was stationed in that part of the world for a time and it was, I guess, the only available candy.

    I love the HELL out of Narnia, though.

  6. themuttprincess

    My son is just finishing the Narnia books and he was asking me all about that. I will show him your pictures, that way he will let it go. I would have for him to dream about turkish delight for 20 years and be let down.

    You are such a giver!!!!

  7. Crys

    ah yes, i was enthralled by Turkish Delight as well, but always pictured it in my head as a stew of some sort; lots of turkey meat and potatoes and stuff. i mean, if i were Edmund out in the snow, that’s what I’D want, and the queen…she’d know that, rite?

    Turkish Delight in actuality is quite the let down, i have to say

  8. Avitable

    Metalmom, yeah, steer clear!

    Poppy, I love the food you send, but you don’t try to poison me!

    Britt, you see? Wouldn’t that have been awesome?

    Trish, I don’t use the tear ducts anyway.

    Golfwidow, he likes it? Sigh.

    TMP, I’m glad my sacrifice won’t be in vain.

    Robin, fucker.

    RW, you knew this?

    Clown, as you gagged over the kitchen sink.

    Crystal, yes. Yes, it is.

  9. Girl, Dislocated

    I’m surprised! I eat Turkish delight every time I go to Egypt, and while it’s not the awesomeness that is chocolate, it’s far from nasty. Then again, I’ve never had lemon or rose flavored Turkish delight. Where was that stuff made?

  10. Amy

    Sometimes, it is really frightening when I find that we have strange things in common.

    I also read the entire Chronicles, although I think it took me a week, but just one. I love those books! So, when my kids were little I read them “The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe” and sometime later I happened across “Turkish Delight” at World Market and HAD to buy it, for the very same reason. Edmund betrayed his brother and sisters over the stuff… this stuff MUST be better than chocolate.

    Imagine MY surprise. My kids now think Edmund was just a silly asshole who obviously had no taste or had never had chocolate. :batting:

  11. Jay

    I really always thought that a Turkish Delight was a woman from .. you know … Turkey.

    If you compared Turkish Delight to other Turkish foods … or British foods, then you would probably have a better opinion of it. I mean, it’s hard to compete with American delicacies like the Big Mac or a Whopper!

  12. hellohahanarf

    love those books!
    the lion, the witch & the wardrobe gave me the impression that turkish delight was like that greek dessert to the millionth power. way to pee all over my fantsy.

    cute dog, though!

  13. Squeaky Wheel

    As someone else pointed out, that probably tastes like sugar-coated sunshine to someone used to a diet of blood pudding and bread.

    Also, in the movie and in the original miniseries :heartbeat:, the Turkish delight that Edmund had was filled with something…probably a fruit jelly, which improves the taste greatly, I’m sure. That’s probably the only way they could get the kid in the movie to be convincing about liking it…lol.

  14. Avitable

    Girl, Dislocated, yeah, but you’re Egyptian. Maybe your tastes are just different. It was made in the UK, I believe.

    Amy, I’m just glad someone else thought it had to be better than the best chocolate ever.

    Jay, good thinking.

    Hello, I’m glad you got the same impression, too. Makes it clear that I’m not crazy. And you should be glad that you didn’t have your hopes dashed against sharp rocks like I did.

    RW, those run of the mill bon vivants. Gotta watch out for them.

    Sarcastica, it wouldn’t matter.

    Tug, sweet.

    Poppy, Dixie Delight?

    Squeaky Wheel, there’s no way it could still taste as creamy and wonderful as CS Lewis described, though.

    DB, ooh, does Dutch Delight have a creamy center?

  15. hellohahanarf

    the fact that i also thought turkish delight was heaven for the mouth does not mean that you are not crazy. without a doubt, another person having the same impression is not proof of your sanity.
    yeah, i’m pretty sure of that, nutjob!

  16. Coal Miner's Granddaughter

    Dude! Thanks for the heads-up. I, too, like many other readers, thought it was chocolate-y goodness. Alas, we are wrong. Fucking Turks. No sense of taste, literally.

    Oh, and? So glad you’re a Doctor Who geek. When I found out the hubby didn’t know what the Tardis was, I almost divorced him. Uncultured cracker… :lmao:

  17. Avitable

    DB, and me to find out?

    Hello, so it just means you’re as crazy as I am?

    CMG, you thought it was chocolate too? Good. I’m a new addition to the Doctor Who geekworld. I used to read the books as a kid, but until the Eccleston season, I hadn’t seen any of the show. My wife had, and now we anticipate every awesome moment. And Ty is a lucky guy – I would have divorced him!

    Poppy, but that takes effort and I’m llaaaaaazzzzyyyyyyy!

  18. Poppy

    It’s me licking a spoon, and there’s peanut butter and chocolate. Get your ass over there and watch the damn thing. I need your opinion on if it’s anything more than redonk, because I’m starting to get disturbing comments from boys.

  19. Avitable

    Boy blunder, I didn’t say that. If I didn’t want you coming to the website, your IP address would be blocked and I’d tell you! I meant exactly what I said – is it that hard to sound like an adult and type things like “you” and “your”? I’m glad you visit here, but one of my huge pet peeves is when people sound like a 10 year old who’s text messaging.

    Poppy, ok, well I’ll watch it because of the licking.

  20. Amy

    Re: your response to someone… (too lazy to go back up and check) – you are dead, right, CS certainly did make this stuff sound like it was heaven in a box or something.

    We got the rose and lemon too, the kids said it tasted like soap and the texture creeped them out.

  21. Girl, Dislocated

    I’m pretty sure lemon or rose flavored Turkish delight would taste like :shit: to me too.

    If I can sneak it through customs on my way back from Egypt, would you be willing to try regular, non-funky flavored Turkish delight, or would that trigger post traumatic stress?

  22. Poppy

    Boy_blunder, not to step in on your fun (I’m totally doing that), but Avi does not mince words. If he didn’t want you around he would have straight out told you to fuck off. Him offering pointers on how to stay around on his blog means he sees potential in you.

  23. Amber

    Okay… so I’m a Christian and happen to like C.S. Lewis. But that doesn’t mean that I’ve misplaced my sense of humor.

    That entry was funny as hell (no pun intended). The pictures and your closing remark were comedy gold.

    Thanks for being you, Avitable. It never fails that I get at least a few chuckles out of your entries.

    I’ll be looking for my Christmas Card in the mail. And you can be looking for yours uhm… shortly. Yeah. I’ll probably get them out in the mail this week. That’s the goal, anyway! 🙂

  24. Avitable

    Poppy, bulge!

    AnnieB, are you fucking with me?

    Amy, yup!

    Boy Blunder, cool.

    MyWeeWorld, no, Tolkien will just bore us to death.

    Girl Dislocated, yes, I would definitely give it another try if there was a normal flavored version.

    Geeky, awesome!

    Hilly, I can get one for you cheaply if you want to. Let me know.

    Amber, I’m a Catholic, and I love the Narnia books. I still think CS Lewis deserves a kick in the head for making me crave Turkish Delight for no reason!

  25. AnnieB

    For some reason yesterday the pics would only load about down to the top of your eyebrows, so all I could see was your hair and your forehead and I thought – man, his hair looks great. Today they’re loading all the way so actually I probably would have added – too bad it’s on top of … well, nevermind, it’s Christmas.

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