Ok, holy world of wise and intelligent blogocraticspherites. I've given my share of unsolicited advice, supportive noncommittal comments, backhanded compliments and answers backed by absolutely no research whatsoever. Now it's time for me to reap something in return.
What do I get my parents for Christmas?
They have everything they could possibly want. My mother hates flowers, and I already get my father a box of cigars every month. Last year I got them a weekend at the Ritz-Carlton over on Amelia Island so they could stay the weekend, play tennis, and have fun, and they liked that, but I don't want to duplicate that gift. My mother buys what she wants when she wants it, and my father doesn't want anything.
I'm pulling my hair out, blogophiles! And it's getting a bit thin on top, so I can't afford to pull any of it out.
I have one week. And I need your help.
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Comments by Jeff
It took me awhile do figure out "blogocraticspherites" ... I had to read it like 5 times. So now I'm too confused to help.
Comments by Amanda
Uhm, family portrait session?
Comments by Sheila
A dog in a box.
But, uh, Adam? Don't leave it in there too long before you hand it to them k?
Comments by RW
Gift certificates are always good in a pinch!
Comments by Preposterous Ponderings
I have the same problem.
For my father, it's a case of a very nice Bordeaux or a bottle of really old Port.
Fortunately mom likes flowers, but last year I made a big hit with an electronic frame that I had loaded with family pictures, since she has long passed the point of having any place to keep all of them out at once.
Comments by GeorgeH
BACON SALT! BACON SALT! BACON SALT!
Comments by Brandon
Top 10 Things Adam Should Give To His Parents for Christmas (in reverse order)
1. Grandchildren
2. cordless power tools
3. Give them Britt for a week or two
4. Tell them you want to covert and become a Jew, then change your mind for the Catholic Christmas!
5.more grandchildren
6. Have you seen that cell phone ad where the girl got a pony?
7. Burn a DVD of 2 girls and a cup
8. GRANDCHILDREN
9. a DVR
10. Give them their own blog!
Comments by Y2K Survivor
Do they have any hobbies?
Comments by Geeky Tai-Tai
This may sound dumb- but dig deep into that head of memories and think of something from WAY back... for me- I broke a piece of crystal when I was like 10 of my moms. A piece of Princess House led crystal. Last year, I found that identical piece and gave it to her.
As parents generally have everything- make is something small and inexpensive and something that reminds them of your childhood... Or tell them you are giving them a grandchild for Thanksgiving next year.
Comments by MsFreud
I have a couple of suggestions....
For Mom:
OhMiBod.
Special Brownies.
Something nice to wear.
or a
date for her ballroom dancing lessons.
For dad:
Something supportive.
Something Shiny
or perhaps
Some new body art.
Comments by jester
Theatre tickets if they are into that sort of thing.
Magazine / cable TV subscriptions.
The new Dr Who box set is out so you could give them that. If they don't like it then they can always send it me.
Comments by Dan
I assume that what they have always really wanted was for me to be their son.
I'll get the adoption paperwork started.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Do like my ex-husband's dad did for him; buy him one of those FUGLY turtle lamps. haha.
No, really:
Whenever I have to buy stuff for the person that "has it all", I buy them "services" instead. Much like you sent them on a trip instead of buying them some "thing".
Get your mother a spa package, one of those really nice all day ones.
Put together a deep sea fishing package for you and your dad to go on together.
Comments by The Absurdist
I really like the gift suggested by Mr. Fabulous.
Comments by the_boy_blunder
The above suggestions would be why I asked about your parents' hobbies (tennis, golf, fishing, smoking, drinking, dancing, whatever). My younger sister has a son your age. So no, not everyone who has a 30-year old son is as old as the hills (just to be clear). My mom is 67 and my dad 71. So, yeah, us old folks still love some lovin'!
Comments by Geeky Tai-Tai
Overthrow a small country (start small when it comes to coups). Then re-name it Avitableopolis. Present the head of the dethroned ruler to your parents on Christmas day. Seriously, I'm sure they don't have their own country. :xmas4:
Comments by Lin
I love Amelia Island - it's super close to where my parents live. Fernandina Beach is great as well...
If they liked that, why don't you do it again but send them somewhere else fun. Like the dark side of the moon, or the pot at the end of the rainbow, or a nudist colony. That last one is perfect since YOU are their child and are always nekkid, I am sure it will work....
Comments by ADW
You could get your mom maybe a spa day or something.
Comments by Robin
LMAO @ Jeff's linky
I agree on the the 'services' idea although Fabby's is intriguing. If they adopt him then y'all will be committing incest.
Comments by turnbaby
I think Y2K has hit it on the head...Grandchildren.
How about a 4 day cruise? Or a bed and breakfast up in Saint Augustine? If they like to travel, send them somewhere they haven't been.
Comments by Trish
Send them on a cruise this year.
Comments by Luaren
I say get them a puppy.
It's just like having grandkids.
Comments by NYCWD
A vacation is always nice (it is always just the right size). Somewhere warm. (like Florida)
Maybe a cruise.
Or perhaps just a surprise visit from you.
I like the puppy idea.
Send them the fruit of the month club, or wine of the month club or anything else of the month club you think they would like.
Comments by themuttprincess
I have a totally obnoxious suggestion, knowing a tiny bit about your parents, but I won't say it.
How about two mugs and a fifth of Baileys? (Someone else is doing that for their parents.)
Comments by Poppy
Hmmmm, you could get them a week-long scuba diving trip to Bonaire... wait, that's what I want. Dang!
I agree with the services bit. Spa, year's worth of oil changes, playboy channel subscription, movie tickets, Starbucks card, yadda, yadda, yadda.
Are they into good food? I know there are vineyards in Cali that have inns and cooking classes, etc. That might be a good vacation. Wine country, relaxation, getting tanked on good wine, etc.
Have a well-known local chef come into their home and cook a gourmet meal?
That's all I've got. I'm spent. Time to pull the twins apart!
Comments by Coal Miner's Granddaughter
PS - I second Fab's suggestion. Your parents need a
secondthird son.Comments by Poppy
Perhaps a scrapbook of your childhood :)
exclude the dolphin porn. Mmkay?
Comments by Sarcastica
Go to an abortion clinic (or prom) and retrieve a fetus. Put it in a plastic Publix bag with a big bow on top. Make sure to give it a name and write "Grandma and Grandpa" on the card.
If that's too much effort you could get them oven mitts. Everybody loves oven mitts.
Comments by Clown
Ok, FINE! I will go to dinner with your parents.
Sheesh.
Comments by Miss Britt
Jeff, that was my dad's birthday present.
Amanda, and here I thought you were smart.
Sheila, that's something that I think would be nice, but unfortunately, I don't have time. I'm saving that idea for next year, though.
RW, what's "too long"? A week?
Preposterous Ponderings, I try to avoid gift certificates if I can.
GeorgeH, my dad sticks to beer. That electronic frame is a good idea, though.
Brandon, I already ordered some. We're eating it with Christmas dinner.
Y2K, now you sound like my parents!
Geeky, tennis. My dad also like cigars, and my mom likes to shoot.
MsFreud, my mother hates nostalgic gifts.
Jester, you are a genius.
Dan, I was goign to try to get them a DVR so they could record shows, but they don't want one. And I think they'd love to send you the Dr. Who box set.
Mr. Fabulous, only if you're going to grace them with grandchildren sometime soon.
Absurdist, my mother hates the spa. I tried that one year. And I don't have time to go deep sea fishing. I'm still thinking of other services, though.
Boy Blunder, you want to be a family member, too?
Geeky, I know you're not as old as the hills yet!
Lin, I think I might just have to do that. You win for best suggestion.
ADW, my parents don't believe in nudity.
Robin, yeah, one year I did that. She refused to use it.
Turnbaby, I'm in the south. Incest is ok.
Trish, the Saint Augustine B&B idea is a good one. They would probably like that.
Luaren, I don't think they'd like to go for more than a day.
NYCWD, that's what I keep telling them when we talk about their granddog.
TMP, well, they live in Florida. A surprise visit from me might be nice. How do I wrap that?
Poppy, what's your obnoxious idea?
CMG, they don't even go to the movies. They are totally beer, meat and potatoes, and into simple things.
Sarcastica, that's a good idea!
Clown, I did that for Father's Day last year.
Britt, finally. Best. Christmas. Ever.
Comments by Avitable
I know, you're welcome.
I'm not paying though.
Comments by Miss Britt
OK, they're into beer, meat, and potatoes. So, buy them shares in a brewery, a slaughter house, and a farm. There you go!
Comments by Coal Miner's Granddaughter
Maid service for a month or year? Beers from around the world? We're getting my dad a bike this year (he's riding a hand-me-down from when WE were young) & mom get's a computer upgrade & digital picture frame.
Comments by Tug
I'm too scared to say it because you might actually get them one and also because I'd get booed off the stage by everyone else here.
Comments by Poppy
Ahhh, thank you Tug. Her first suggestion is the VERY cleaned up version of what I was going to suggest.
Comments by Poppy
Sex toys and Astroglide?
Who says old folks ain't frisky? :xmas2:
Comments by metalmom
do they drink wine? wine of the month club.
uh....a grandchild?
Comments by Karen
Poppy - being from France & all, you were going with the FRENCH maid version, huh!
Comments by Tug
Did you mean that Avitable, or were you just saying that? Is it REALLY a good idea? HMM? IS IT?!
Comments by Sarcastica
Tug, not quite but that's getting even closer.
Comments by Poppy
OK I think I have it! Do one of those charity things where you adopt a starving kid in a another country and pay them to stay over there and starve, but journal the experience to make the contributor feel better. And buy... I mean adopt the kid in your parent's name so he sends them the journal of his starving to death while some white missionaries beat the fuck out him for his daily correspondence.
The big bonus for YOU is you can constantly point out how you are so much more successful than your adopted sibling. You can buy a case of beer, show up at Mom and Dad's house and when things grow uncomfortable about grandkids... point out how their last kid turned out to be such a loser and how you plan on learning from their mistakes.
p.s. would this same plan work if they adopted Fabby?
Comments by Y2K Survivor
Why don't you just do what you did last year, but send them somewhere else? Then you can make it a tradition every year that they get a trip/stay somewhere different.
That's kind of cool and tradition is nice.
OK OR...
Go to the park, take some cute pics of some kids playing (try not to get arrested) frame the pics and give those to them... since you don't have enough time (before Christmas)to have kids of your own and give them pics of grandkids.
Just a thought.
Comments by Amy
i'm all about pick a charity that has some kind of family meaning and make a donation in their name. last year folks got donations to the women's homeless shelter (where an aunt works and i used to volunteer) and the hospice facility that helped with my mom. great organizations who could use the money a lot more than my family could use another trinket.
although i do love the idea of sending them on a new mini vacation a year.
then again, if you adopt me i could be the grandchild they want! well, maybe not exactly the one the want, but it is a start.
Comments by hellohahanarf
You could just give them a gift certificate for the session. Then, maybe you all could set up a time to go together.
Comments by Sheila
Britt, selfish fucker.
CMG, ooh - good thinking!
Tug, they already have a housecleaner, they only like Bud Light, and I'm not sure what they do all day long on their days off.
Poppy, what is it?
Metalmom, well, they're under 55, so they're not "old folks" quite yet.
Karen, no wine. Grandchildren is something they'd love. Maybe when I'm ready to ruin my life, I'll give them grandkids as a gift.
Sarcastica, yeah, the scrapbook idea is a good one.
Y2K, it would totally work if they adopted Fab too.
Amy, yeah, I might do that, but I want to keep it under $400 if I can this year. And I like your second idea much better, but I already have my own private pictures of kids at parks I can use.
Hello, my parents put as much stock in charities as I do. That is to mean none.
Sheila, that might be a good idea.
Comments by Avitable
A 16-year-old Catholic school girl forced into slavery.
Comments by Poppy
i have yet to see one of your presents go over well.
maybe one of those reversed painting type things like that other time.
they didn't hate that, right?
Comments by liquid
Lawn service?
Comments by Aunt Robin
You wrap it very carefully.
Comments by themuttprincess
for my FIL we've gotten things like Omaha Steaks, beer of the month, wine of the month...
For MIL - anything with photos. They have digital photo key chains, even.
We've also gotten her things like diaries "the Story of Us" so she can recount her days with your dad, and journals on the types of wine she's drank(I have that oe myself), books she's read... It's a nice idea if she's that type of person. They are also neat things to pass on to grandkids if ever there are any :)
Comments by RaeJane
Damn it, I tried to leave a comment and then I hit some button on my computer and I don't know what happened. Technical retard.
Anyway, what I said was no granchildren because kids suck.
Also, I'm a fan of the sex toys idea. You could get them a sex swing. Or you could say, "Mom, we know you let Dad stick it up your ass" while handing her a giant butt plug. Or you could give them Poppy for a day or two.
I really hope this doesn't show up twice or I'm going to feel like a bigger dumbass than usual.
Comments by MyWeeWorld
A BICYCLE BUILT FOR TWO!!!
Comments by Tug
:xmas4:
Comments by Tug
MyWeeWorld, did you just call me a 16-year-old Catholic school girl forced into slavery? How sweet of you!!!
Comments by Poppy
Poppy, no, that's what I want for Christmas.
Liquid, the weekend away went well. The reverse painting did, too, but that was just for my mother.
Robin, my dad likes doing it himself.
TMP, haha - so clever!
RaeJane, my parents don't want photos of us, I don't think. I should find that out.
MyWeeWorld, did you just call Poppy a butt plug?
Tug, ha!
MyWeeWorld,
Comments by Avitable
Poppy, apparently we think alike. But not exactly the same.
Comments by Avitable
I will not say what I want to say here out of common decency.
*snort*
Comments by Poppy
Turkish Delight?
Comments by Kay
I just had to come and see what Fab suggested.
Just tell them Amy's pregnant. She doesn't technically HAVE to be.
Comments by Peggy
If you want to get serious, write them letters. My brother and I did that recently for my dad and he can't stop talking about it. I drew a picture of him on mine and he blew it up and put it on the fridge.
If you want to get all consumer-y, you could get them a gift card to do something together - something they would not ordinarily try - a restaurant or a spa or - my cousins bought their parents binoculars and a membership to a bird watching club. In other words, give them something but help them discover something new to like. (Perhaps not bird watching, but.... you see the point. )
But seriously, if they are sentimental, draw them pictures. And write them stuff about how they are awesome. That went over big at my house.
Comments by Nina
How about a slightly used box of turkish delight? Or maybe some macaroni art?
Comments by Gwen
Gwen's suggestions made me laugh. Pick hers! I have cooked mac and cheese you can use for the art1 Makes it extra squishy. Will send to you via slow boat mail so it's extra moldy when it arrives.
Comments by Poppy
Did I just write "art1"? I did. Bleep.
Do I get a "Poppy lives on my blog" blinky accolade thing yet?
Comments by Poppy
I say grandchild.
It's fairly easy to get one.
Or make one.
What the fuck am I talking about?!
Nevermind.
How about massages? That went over well for my in laws one year.
Comments by Sybil Law
my favorite suggestions so far are macaroni art or giving them a country after your coup.
Omaha steaks? everyone loves steak, right?
Do they like music? You could get an Ipod docking station if they don't have one, mike's grandparents love their's because its easy. or an Ipod to go with it if they don't have one.
monogrammed beer glasses? http://www.redenvelope.com/re/gifts/product_display/product_information.jsp?nc=74387&refPg=%2fproduct_display%2fgift_results.jsp&bct2=recipient&bcp2=1&bcm2=1%24%24-8070&bct4=for+father&bcp4=3&bcm4=1%24%24-8076&bct5=new+%2B+favorites&bcp5=4&bcm5=29%2Frecipient%2Ffor+father%2Fnew+%2B+favorites@@30-12036@@3512036&catOid=-12036&oid=25064847&nc2=1)
Comments by Amanda
Poppy, common decency? On my blog?
Kay, ha!
Peggy, I see how it is. So you only come here because of Fab. *sniff*
Nina, unfortunately, my parents are not sentimental, although that sounds like a good idea for parents that would be.
Gwen, double ha!
Poppy, I'm going to have to start charging you rent.
Sybil Law, my parents hate massages. Seriously.
Amanda, the Omaha steaks and monogrammed glasses ideas are awesome. I only wish I had asked you two weeks ago!
Comments by Avitable
you can still get the glasses if you pay a buttload for shipping...
you should always consult me when you need to make a decision.
Comments by Amanda
oops never mind, when I was looking at that site earlier it was still available...
maybe if you go to things remembered or a place locally they could do something faster?
Comments by Amanda
Amanda, yeah, but that would mean I'd have to go to an actual store and not bought it online.
Comments by Avitable
that's true, the outside is scary
Comments by Amanda
so, when are you going to tell us what you're going to give your parents for christmas?
Comments by Sheila
Holy crap, lmao at the little puking heads
Comments by MyWeeWorld
Amanda, I know!
Sheila, as soon as I figure it out. I'm still working on it.
MyWeeWorld, pooping and puking!
Comments by Avitable
Nah! I'm warming up to you. At first you scared me :)
Comments by Peggy
I know it would require thought and effort on your part... as well as time, which you don't have much of. But I believe that under the cynical, sarcastically, funny facade of Avitable, beats a heart that loves his family.
So... maybe this year, instead of giving them more crap they're not going to need or probably even use and be reminded of how much they really don't need your present. Why don't you write them a letter sharing your favorite memories from childhood. Things to bring a laugh, bring a tear, a hearty clap on the back from your dad, an embarassed blush to your mom's cheek. In effect... give them a piece of you. The real Avitable that loves his family. And by doing so, remind them of everything they have had... of the most important thing they did (raising you, of course) and what they still have. A family that loves one another.
I'm just sayin...
GET THAT LOOK OFF YOUR FACE! (haha) :)
Look! I'm excited –>
Comments by Amber
A timeshare?
Comments by Girl, Dislocated
Peggy, and Fab didn't? He's wayyyy scarier.
Amber, my heart it two sizes too small. I'm the model used for the Grinch.
Girl, Dislocated, I don't love them that much!
Comments by Avitable
Matching iPods.
Comments by Lynda
Lynda, hmm....
Comments by Avitable
No, I didn't read all of the comments before mine, so if someone already said, this, my bad.
Make a book about their lives together, using your lovely stick-figure art for illustrations.
Comments by vulgarwizard