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“Hi and welcome to Starbucks. My name is Taylor. Can I take your order?”
“Hi! The car in front of me isn’t pulled up all the way, so wait a second!”
“That’s a Venti Milky Way Latte with extra whip cream?”
“No. Please wait a second!”
“Okay. There’s no need to shout, sir. Let me know when you’re ready.”
“Okay, I’m ready now.”
“Yes, sir. Please go ahead with your order.”
“I’ll have a Venti Toffee Nut Latte with skim, no whip, and a Venti steamed Eggnog.”
“That’s a Venti Toffee Nut Latte with lowfat milk and no whip cream …”
“And a Venti Eggnog Latte?”
“Nope. I just want a Venti Steamed Eggnog.”
“No. Just eggnog, in a large cup, steamed.”
What do you want?”
“Cup. Eggnog. Steamed. That’s it. No latte, no whip, no milk. Just a steamed Eggnog, all by itself, in a venti cup.”
“Please wait a second.”
“I said, I’ll wait.”
“Sir, this is the manager. Taylor is having some trouble understanding your order. I have here that you want a Venti Milky Way Latte with extra whip, a Venti Toffee Nut Latte with lowfat milk and no whip, and a Venti Eggnog Latte, but somehow different?”
“First of all, there’s no Milky Way Latte. Please remove that completely. Secondly, the Toffee Nut Latte is correct. Finally, all I want is just pure, 100% eggnog, steamed, in a venti cup.”
“Okay, sir. Now, I’ll have to charge you extra for that.”
“You will? So eggnog is more expensive than eggnog and the other shit you put in it to make a latte?”
“I don’t know.”
“So why would you charge me extra? All I’m asking for is essentially that you heat up some eggnog in a cup. It’s easier than what you have to do for a coffee. I’d think you should charge me less, but I’m willing to pay normal price for it.”
“Okay, sir. No need to get snippy. I’m just trying to do my job here. Please pull around for your total and your order.”
“Thanks a latte.”

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46 Replies to “Starcocks”

  1. ADW

    I loath Starbucks with all of my black little heart. Loath. Can not stand it. Only go when I have no other choice. Do not pay 3.00 for coffee. I drink it black and strong. I am a manly man. I get +100 points. Chickenfucker.

  2. Avitable

    Amanda, meow what are you talking about meow?

    Sharon, I only go there for eggnog.

    Mary, put it together for “Thanks a latte, chickenfucker” and you’ve got a winner!

    Hilly, ooh, you steam it yourself?

    NYCWD, you should try to do it every day.

    Mr. Fabulous, clucking and “baKAWW”.

    Britt, I try to speak the language of the native business people.

    ADW, I don’t like the taste of coffee unless it has lots of flavors and very little actual coffee. I lose 1000 points. Bitchcakes.

  3. Poppy

    I’m surprised they don’t glare at you, Britt. If I even get the order of the drink wrong (if I say “venti iced Americano” instead of “iced venti Americano”) they give me a look of indignance. Yesterday I went to the bagel place to get coffee instead. I’m going there again this morning.

  4. Miss Britt

    I very, very rarely go to Starbucks – like, only in an airport or something. We make coffee at home in the morning and I bring it with me in a travel cup.

    If I DO go to a Starbucks or some place and they are glaring at me for refusing to speak the lingo – I’m surely too oblivious to notice.

  5. Lexi

    The thing that annoys me about starbucks is that a lot of their drinks aren’t “real”….they’re made with mixed powder stuff. So they can’t just alter stuff like a “real” coffeeshop can. Beh.

    I imagine that was their reasoning behind the eggnog thing….the eggnog latte is probably fake.

  6. ADW

    MetalMom, I heart you. Britt is so funny too. My C-I-L ( I replaced Sister with another word… it starts with a C) is a manager at a Starbucks. She has gained about 40 pounds in the last year from sucking candy through a straw. Can’t wait to see her at Christmas…

  7. Avitable

    Poppy, if the person serving you gives you a look of indignance, punch them in the face.

    Britt, I’m sure you’re completely oblivious to that. You usually are.

    Metalmom, I hate coffee.

    Lexi, well, they actually do have a steamed eggnog that I get occasionally, so I know they have eggnog.

    ADW, what’s with you women hating your CILs? I like my SIL.

    Britt, your competition is even worse.

  8. hellohahanarf

    i can’t stand those pretentious bastards at starbucks. when i say “the biggest fucker you’ve got” they don’t look down their nose because they can sense that i’ll be across that counter, banging their head off the fancy machines if they do. hate that store. i only go to starbucks if i have to meet someone there and can’t convince them to agree to somewhere else. and then i make them buy. i’d rather do without coffee than give those sonsabitches my money.

    whew, thanks a latte for elevating my blood pressure this fine morning.

  9. Gwen

    This is why I almost never use the drive-thru. And warm eggnog… blarg! I hate eggnog a whole lot so I didn’t think you could actually make it worse. But your mention of warm eggnog made me gag. Thanks a lot.

  10. Avitable

    Hello, that’s what the drivethrough is for.

    Dave, well, it did taste a bit salty.

    ADW, I never do the fakey fake smile thing. Good luck with that.

    TMP, the convenience is worth it!

    Gwen, steamed eggnog is good – it’s like steamed milk with a bit more flavor.

    Amanda, my wife goes there at least once a day, if not twice. And I like their muffins, too. So you’re not alone.

  11. Sybil Law

    I am so glad I don’t drink coffee in any forms (well, unless it has Disarrano and lots of whipped cream and some cherries)… Well, I guess I do but that’s only like, twice a year. Anyway, I drink Mt. Dew in the morning. It’s in a can and ready to go!
    I am sure glad you drink that stuff, though – so I can read about it and laugh.
    And hey! I made it here early afternoon, which is so totally better than days late!

  12. Lexi

    I actually meant that the latte was probably fake, so they wanted to charge you extra for “real” eggnog…bastards.

    I also can’t stand the way they have obviously been drinking coffee since they arrived at 3:30AM, and are obnoxiously hyperactive.

  13. Coal Miner's Granddaughter

    Cock-snotting stupid… well, what you said – chickenfuckers.

    “Hi, I’d like a decaf Venti get the motherfucking wax out of your ears-no whip unless I can whip your ass-coffee with double shots of LISTEN WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU!!!

    Yeah, I’ve got anger issues.

    Oh, and? Just saw your “2 girls 1 cup” smiley. You. Are. Damaged.


  14. Functionally ReTodded

    I order this way on purpose:

    I’d like a large black coffee please.

    And that arrogant fucking Barista (which i can’t pronounce) looks at me like I have an alligator coming out of my vagina. Unless there are three of them, in which case two look at each other knowingly while the third mocks me silently.

    this just in MENSA members. You make 8 bucks an hour pouring me coffee. You can latte, frappe, vente skim half calf til my dick gets soft again, but at the end of the day, you’re a fucking subway counter kid serving hot water.

  15. Avitable

    BPR, I’ve seen that people who like just normal coffee don’t like Starbucks, but people who like the flavored versions do.

    TMP, I agree!

    Tracy, I am a charmer!

    CMG, makes you want chocolate ice cream, doesn’t it?

    Todd, HAHAHA! Sounds like someone has it in for the Starbucks crew.

    Gwen, Gwen = crazy!

  16. Y2K Survivor

    SO I kind of have this hearing problem that only bothers me when there is back gound noise that will drown out voices. I go to this little coffee shop in a small town I service for a meeting. I ask for their biggest latte with heavy cream. Yes as a diabetic I try to low carb and have both feet in my later years. The genius behind the counter asks if I want something like a Brevita? Now the fact I don’t really remember the term should point out the level of importance I have in “using their language.” I said, “Noooo a really big latte with heavy cream.” Again I am asked if I would like a Brevita. Now I have ordered this drink for a couple of years and never had a problem and I am trying not to add sugary flavors (even thought I REALLY want them) so I repeat my order when the Oklahoma twin to your Floridian chicken fucker says, A Brevita is a latte with heavy cream. What would you like to order?”

    The term I thought of at the time is one I learned from Hot Coffee Girl. Fucktard!

    BTW according to a Brevita is a coffee drink with half the expresso. It says nuttin bout heavy cream. Chicken fucking fucktard

  17. Avitable

    Lynda, exactly. They’re. All. Chickenfuckers.

    Y2K, fucktard is another good word for them.

    Oh The Joys, but my wife likes Starbucks too much.

    Lisa, because of eggnog?

    RaeJane, I think you should. They’d probably make it for you, too.

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