Last week, I opened the floor to questions, promising to answer every query posed. I ended up with almost 50 questions, so this has taken a few days. Round One, Round Two and Round Three are done, and here's the final round, Round Four:

31. AnnieB asked:

How does Freddy Krueger wipe his butt?

Very carefully.

32. Girl, Dislocated asked:

Why aren't you practicing law?

It took two summers working with a criminal defense attorney and a family law attorney to realize that the practice of law was not for me. Unless I was going to do something transactional, which held no interest for me, I couldn't face the concept of litigation being so far from the area of intelligent strategy and manipulation. People also assume that practicing law automatically means six figures when you're first out of school – this is only true if you work for one of the big name drone firms where they work you to death as a glorified slave. Many lawyers only make $40,000-$50,000 a year, especially at first, and so I decided to do something else, but use the education I received to help me succeed. And I'm glad I did.

33. Bec asked:

In the final battle between good and evil who will you be siding with and what will your role be?

I'll just stay behind the scenes and manipulate both sides, then come out with whichever side actually wins. I'm ambivalent, so I can go either way.

34. BorysSNORC asked:

You're the guest of honour at a dinner function. There's no one there except you, the caterers and every person you ever slept with. After dinner, you're expected to make a speech. What do you talk about?

It's funny you ask this question, because it just recently happened at a Girl Scouts meeting. We talked about cookies.

35. Gwen asked:

If zombie Jesus came back to lead the zombarmy in an epic battle for power against the evil forces of Santa and his horrible minions, keeping in mind that santa has demon reindeer that fly and zombie Jesus controls the awesome power of the zombarmy and is one of the living dead, what shirt would you wear to watch the fight go down?

I'd do the same thing I do when I watch Little League games. Go naked.

36. The boy blunder asked:

If you were Santa Claus, what would you get for George Bush this christmas!

A safety helmet to wear so that people would know that he was special.

37. Wayne asked:

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Avitablepop?

Twelve licks, one nibble, four sucks, and a couple of jerks.

38. Y2K Survivor asked:

If your penis was a Transformer, what would it convert into?

Curiosly enough, it is a Transformer and it turns into a boombox.

39. Kylah asked:

What's the weirdest thing you've ever done in a public place?

I like to pull up in a large Six Flags bus, get out while dressed in an old man costume, and then do a crazy dance while everyone watching starts relaxing and gets on the bus. Then I torture them and skin them for my own private collection.

40. Nina asked:

When is the last time you shaved and went beardless?

I started growing the beard when I was 15. I was forced to shave it a few times by my parents, but from age 17 until now, 13 years later, I have had some form of the beard, whether it's just a goatee, a full beard, or some combination. I have no idea what I look like without one, and I'm scared to find out.

41. Robin asked:

If you were to have a Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor named after you what would the name be and what would the flavor include?

If I had a flavor of ice cream named after me, it would be called Gorilla Balls. A banana, vanilla ice cream covered in chocolate sprinkles or, even better, chocolate shavings to look like hair, and malted milk balls. Oh, and a salty surprise at the bottom of the glass.

And that's it! Thanks to everyone for asking a question. I'll have to think about it and see which was my favorite and who will win the prize. If anyone has any suggestions for the best question, let me know in the comments.

Last week, I opened the floor to questions, promising to answer every query posed. I ended up with almost 50 questions, so this will be a three (maybe four) day post. Round One and Round Two are done, and here's Round Three:

18. Preposterous Ponderings asked:

Would you ever consider jerking off with sandpaper then jumping in a pool of rubbing alcohol?

Consider it? It's what I do every Saturday night for fun!

19. Sybil Law asked:

What made you start blogging, and what are the best/worst things about it?

I started blogging after moving back to Florida from Los Angeles when I was very frustrated with the piece of shit that I worked for who was destroying the company I had created. It took me a while to get beyond ranting and posting random links, and I'd like to think I've evolved considerably in my blogging since then. I think the best thing about it is the sense of community and the friendships that result. Oh, and the blowjobs. The worst thing is some of the pettiness and childish nature of some bloggers who feel like anonymity gives them powers to be retards. Oh, and the blowjobs where they use their teeth.

20. DutchBitch asked:

So before you started shaving your balls… what did it look like over there? Did you trim it now and then or leave it grow wild? Did you braid it, dye it?

I usually dye it purple and give it a fauxhawk, but I'm partial to 1970's manbush.

21. RamblinRose asked:

Do you enjoy the smell of your own farts?

I don't believe in farting.

22. Turnbaby asked:

What's the most outrageous thing you've done on your own initiative? On a dare?

On my own, the only thing I can think of is driving about 120 down a dark highway at night with my lights off. It's exhilarating. On the less risk-taking side of things, I also took over my college television station for a four-day weekend and made Channel 2 say nothing but "The Avitable: Remember the name". On a dare, I streaked through a neighbor's backyard and got caught by my friend's grandmother.

23. Crystal asked two questions:

A. If you ABSOLUTELY had to pick between being a fully committed Catholic, Jew or Pagan, which would you choose and why?

I'd probably choose Judaism. I love potato latkes. As it is, though, I am Catholic, and Catholicism has a lot to offer, even with all of its faults. In the end, though, I'd like to be my own religion.

B. If love were hot dogs, how much would you love me?

A cheddarwurst.

24. Paticus asked:

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

Because you cannot ride either of them like a bicycle.

25. Dan asked:

If you were a cereal manufacturer, what would you market and what toys would you include for the free gift?

I think that Cinnamon Toast Crunch is almost a perfect cereal. I would just add chunks of chocolate to it (in a greater quantity than that shitty Life with Chocolate), and the prize would be an actual ray gun with pure vaporizing action.

26. Mari asked:

Okay, lets assume that you are home, uhhh, blogging. Yes, blogging! Strangely, you are fully clothed (hey, just play along!). The doorbell rings. It's either a Jehovah's Witless or part of the Mormon Brigade. How wiil you scare them away? Remember, you are FULLY clothed!

Well, the easy answer is that I would slowly strip down while talking to them and see how much clothing I could remove before they bolted. Another way is to just stare at them without saying a single word. They'll get more nervous and keep talking until they finish what they have to say and then leave. Also, I throw frozen peas at them.

27. Hilly asked:

Let's assume you're on death row and you have to order a last meal and you get one last request. What would the meal be and what else would you ask for?

My last meal would be a medium rare filet mignon, oscar style, with a side of Heaven and Earth mashed potatoes and a chocolate lava cake for dessert. My last request would be to get released. Duh!

28. HoosierGirl5 asked:

Okay, here goes: I have died and you have been named guardian of my 4 children. You can not ship them away or kill them. They HAVE to come live with you and your wife. What do you buy each of them for Christmas? REAL presents, not gag gifts. They are a 17 yr.old boy, a 16 yr.old girl, a 13 yr. old boy, and a 7 yr. old boy. And no fair saying you will send Amy or Britt to shop for you.

That's easy. In order: Car, iPhone, Nintendo Wii, Nintendo DS.

29. Dave2 asked:

Bo or Luke Duke?

Well, Bo had that curly hair and boyish charm, while Luke had the military training and older brother attitude. Tom Wopat played a villain in Smallville, and John Schneider played Pa Kent, so I'll have to go with Bo.

30. NYCWD asked:

If you were a character on Heroes, what would your power be?

Does this mean that I have to pick one of the specific characters or make up my own? If I had to choose an existing character, I'd be Bob with the Midas touch. If I could make up my own, I'd take superspeed. Something moving at superspeed is almost invulnerable, has strength that is multiplied exponentially, and has time in the day to do everything he wants to do. Plus, I'd finally have an excuse for sex only taking three and a half seconds.