Archive for January, 2008

While at dinner with my parents this weekend, my mother talked about a story involving my dad that made me realize I was clearly not born in a test tube. All that random shit that always happens to me? Turns out it happens and happened to my dad, too.

Here is an excellent example:

When I was a year old, my parents lived in Braintree, Massachusetts, renting one half of a duplex that my grandparents owned. My dad worked nights in Boston and made the 30-minute drive every night.

One night, driving his old, beat-up Volkswagen Beetle, probably listening to an eight-track, he zipped along speedily. Since he was an aggressive driver and was passing everyone, he failed to noticed the horrified looks and just shrugged off the horns as coming from people who didn't know how to drive.

Coming around a bend, he saw that traffic was backing up, so he slowed down. This allowed the car next to him to get close enough to start honking furiously. My dad looks over and sees the driver, an old Polish man, waving his arms and yelling through the closed window.

Even though it was the middle of winter, snowing, and freezing, my dad rolled his window down.

"Yr cah isk on —-!" the guy shouted.

"What?" My dad slowed down a bit more so that he could hear over the wind.

"Yr cah iskonfayah!" the guy tried again, but my dad still couldn't hear him. So he slowed down even more.

"What?"

"YOUR CAR IS ON FIRE! (actually, with the accent, probably sounded like "Urr cah isk ong fiyah!")" The guy gesticulated in the general direction of the rear of the car.

"Shit!" My dad started to stop and pull over. As soon as he slowed down more, though, the oxygen-starved flames leaped forward, scorching the backseat and singeing the back of his head.

"Shit shit!" So, he did the only thing he knew to do. He accelerated. And, sure enough, the fire receded to just the back. Now that he was aware of it, he angled the mirrors so he could watch it.

As you probably know, old Beetles had the engine in the rear of the car, so my dad knew that it was likely his oil pan or radiator, not his gas tank. But if he slowed down too much, it might actually reach the gas tank.

He started to approach stopped and slow-moving traffic but he was afraid to slow down, so he just sped up more and continued through traffic like a madman. Behind him, since his window was still open, he heard honks and shouts.

"Yeah, I fucking know!" He waved back as he maneuvered through the traffic like a stunt driver.

Being relatively practical, my dad knew that he couldn't do this forever. He started to grab his weather gear and put it on. First the mittens, then the scarf and hat. He zipped up his jacket as he zipped around slow-moving cars and trucks. The snow started to fall even thicker.

Finally, he reached a stretch where he could be in the far right lane. He slowed as much as he dared, grabbed his briefcase, and dove out of the car.

By the time he stopped rolling and gathered his bearings, the car had drifted to a stop about 30 yards away. It was completely consumed by flames, and it wasn't long until he heard a "WHOOOMP" sound and the Beetle exploded.

Couldn't you see that same exact thing happening to me? I know I could.

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No, I'm not talking about the primaries.

I'm talking about the Bloggies!

I'm going to trade in all of this goodwill I have and urge you – nay, demand that you go vote for two well-deserving bloggers.

First, we have Sarcastica. She's 18, she's hot, and she knows it. She's also one of the most adult bloggers I know. Some of her readers could learn a lesson in maturity from her blog and they're decades older than she is. She's very smart with a razor wit, but she also has a huge heart. She works with the developmentally disabled because she wants to help them integrate with society, and she really is that altruistic.

She has been nominated for "Best Teen Weblog" and she needs your vote.

Secondly, we have Puntabulous. He's consistently one of the most creative bloggers I read, and although he doesn't reply to comments (which is one of my blogging pet peeves), he writes very funny geeky stuff. His hetero crush on Natalie Portman, accompanied by photos of him with a life-sized cardboard standup of the actress as Amidala, makes for constant hilarity.

He has been nominated for "Best GLBT Weblog" and he needs your vote.

Voting only takes a few minutes. Just go to the site, scroll down, vote on any other categories as you desire, and then just make sure to select Sarcastica and Puntabulous. Put your email address in, confirm the email you receive in response, and voila! You're done.

If you're looking for other suggestions of who to vote for, all I can say is that you should vote for anyone but Dooce. I mean, seriously, fuck her. She doesn't even allow comments most of the time. No comments = not a blog. It's just a promotional website at this point.

Thanks!

This was a very good birthday. Much better than last year's.

We had a whopper of a cake,

some mean yet delicious fudge,

some fun and games,

,

and lots of presents!

Thank you Beth for the awesome Hawaiian touristy stuff. (Yes, that's a coconut turned into a football with a sunset painted on it and it's a bank!)

Thank you, The Absurdist for the Nintendo Wii Charging Station, which I desperately needed!

Thank you to my parents for dinner and the first season of SNL on DVD.

Thank you, ADW, for the new Stephen King book. Can I call you when I scare myself silly at night reading?

Thank you, Heather, aka Coalminer's Granddaughter, for the Ghost Hunters book! I love that you're a fan of the show, too! You should read this book – it has some awesome stories in it.

Thank you, AmyD, for the delicious cookies from Deluscious Cookies. I've been thinking about those since I left Los Angeles.

Thank you to my Amy for the iPhone. Now I can try to be as cool as Britt!

Thank you, Poppy, for the book and movie that I might eventually see in May sometime!

Thank you, Clown, for the fudge. It likes me plenty.

Thank you, Britt, for the Lego Star Wars Wii Game! Now I have something to do while you're working!

Thank you to Alyssa for the gourmet brownies. I think I have diabetes now!

Thank you to everyone who sent a card, an e-card, an email, an IM, made a video or posted a post about my awesomosity. Thank you if you sent a gift and I haven't gotten it yet. My ego is now the size of Texas and, in fact, the political candidates are fighting over the electoral votes it gets now. So it looks like my plan to write my own name in as a candidate might have a chance!

I don't deserve the love, but I will accept it shamelessly.

Update: Here is a picture of the awesome cookies that AmyD sent:

Because a certain fucker hasn't sent me the pictures that she took, I don't have the pictures I wanted to post as part of a recap. Tomorrow I should have an actual birthday recap with photos and thanks and everything going out to all of the awesome people out there. Since my plans for today's post have been scrapped, I'm just going to share the card I scanned that I received from Sybil Law, where she actually recreated my own artwork and handmade a card!

The top part is the front of the card. The bottom part is what was on the back of the envelope. Isn't that awesome?

For the last day of AvitaWeek 2008, here is a really lazy meme:

YOUR REAL NAME:
Adam Heath Avitable

YOUR FLYGIRL/FLYBOY NAME: (first 4 letters of real name + izzle.)
Adamizzle

YOUR RAP NAME: (first initial of first name, first three or four letters of your last name)
A Avi

YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color + favorite animal)
Black Dolphin

YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (your middle name + street you live on)
Heath Birch

YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your dad’s side, your favorite candy)
Jerry Reeses

YOUR PORN STAR NAME: (your first pet’s name + street you grew up on)
Smoky Hummingbird

YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name + first 2 letters of your first name)
AviAd

JEDI NAME: (middle name spelled backwards, your grandmother’s maiden name spelled backwards)
Htaeh Yrael

YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (second favorite color + favorite alcoholic drink)
The Red Nothing

YOUR ACTION HERO NAME: (first name of a main character in the last movie you watched, last food you ate)
Juno Cookie

YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (your parents’ middle names)
Robert Leah

YOUR GOTH NAME: (black + the name of your pet)
Black Jigsaw

YOUR ARABIC NAME: (second letter of your first name + third letter of your last name + fourth letter of your middle name + second letter of your moms maiden name + third letter of you dad’s middle name + first letter of a siblings first name + last letter of your mom’s middle name)
Yeah, this one's offensive. Pass.