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It's genetic

 

While at dinner with my parents this weekend, my mother talked about a story involving my dad that made me realize I was clearly not born in a test tube. All that random shit that always happens to me? Turns out it happens and happened to my dad, too.

Here is an excellent example:

When I was a year old, my parents lived in Braintree, Massachusetts, renting one half of a duplex that my grandparents owned. My dad worked nights in Boston and made the 30-minute drive every night.

One night, driving his old, beat-up Volkswagen Beetle, probably listening to an eight-track, he zipped along speedily. Since he was an aggressive driver and was passing everyone, he failed to noticed the horrified looks and just shrugged off the horns as coming from people who didn't know how to drive.

Coming around a bend, he saw that traffic was backing up, so he slowed down. This allowed the car next to him to get close enough to start honking furiously. My dad looks over and sees the driver, an old Polish man, waving his arms and yelling through the closed window.

Even though it was the middle of winter, snowing, and freezing, my dad rolled his window down.

"Yr cah isk on —-!" the guy shouted.

"What?" My dad slowed down a bit more so that he could hear over the wind.

"Yr cah iskonfayah!" the guy tried again, but my dad still couldn't hear him. So he slowed down even more.

"What?"

"YOUR CAR IS ON FIRE! (actually, with the accent, probably sounded like "Urr cah isk ong fiyah!")" The guy gesticulated in the general direction of the rear of the car.

"Shit!" My dad started to stop and pull over. As soon as he slowed down more, though, the oxygen-starved flames leaped forward, scorching the backseat and singeing the back of his head.

"Shit shit!" So, he did the only thing he knew to do. He accelerated. And, sure enough, the fire receded to just the back. Now that he was aware of it, he angled the mirrors so he could watch it.

As you probably know, old Beetles had the engine in the rear of the car, so my dad knew that it was likely his oil pan or radiator, not his gas tank. But if he slowed down too much, it might actually reach the gas tank.

He started to approach stopped and slow-moving traffic but he was afraid to slow down, so he just sped up more and continued through traffic like a madman. Behind him, since his window was still open, he heard honks and shouts.

"Yeah, I fucking know!" He waved back as he maneuvered through the traffic like a stunt driver.

Being relatively practical, my dad knew that he couldn't do this forever. He started to grab his weather gear and put it on. First the mittens, then the scarf and hat. He zipped up his jacket as he zipped around slow-moving cars and trucks. The snow started to fall even thicker.

Finally, he reached a stretch where he could be in the far right lane. He slowed as much as he dared, grabbed his briefcase, and dove out of the car.

By the time he stopped rolling and gathered his bearings, the car had drifted to a stop about 30 yards away. It was completely consumed by flames, and it wasn't long until he heard a "WHOOOMP" sound and the Beetle exploded.

Couldn't you see that same exact thing happening to me? I know I could.


Side note: Do you know what Twitter is? Are you following me on it? If not, you're missing out!

The importance of voting

 

No, I'm not talking about the primaries.

I'm talking about the Bloggies!

I'm going to trade in all of this goodwill I have and urge you - nay, demand that you go vote for two well-deserving bloggers.

First, we have Sarcastica. She's 18, she's hot, and she knows it. She's also one of the most adult bloggers I know. Some of her readers could learn a lesson in maturity from her blog and they're decades older than she is. She's very smart with a razor wit, but she also has a huge heart. She works with the developmentally disabled because she wants to help them integrate with society, and she really is that altruistic.

She has been nominated for "Best Teen Weblog" and she needs your vote.

Secondly, we have Puntabulous. He's consistently one of the most creative bloggers I read, and although he doesn't reply to comments (which is one of my blogging pet peeves), he writes very funny geeky stuff. His hetero crush on Natalie Portman, accompanied by photos of him with a life-sized cardboard standup of the actress as Amidala, makes for constant hilarity.

He has been nominated for "Best GLBT Weblog" and he needs your vote.

Voting only takes a few minutes. Just go to the site, scroll down, vote on any other categories as you desire, and then just make sure to select Sarcastica and Puntabulous. Put your email address in, confirm the email you receive in response, and voila! You're done.

If you're looking for other suggestions of who to vote for, all I can say is that you should vote for anyone but Dooce. I mean, seriously, fuck her. She doesn't even allow comments most of the time. No comments = not a blog. It's just a promotional website at this point.

Thanks!

Aftermath

 

This was a very good birthday. Much better than last year's.

We had a whopper of a cake,

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2008_Adam_birthday_04

2008_Adam_birthday_05

some mean yet delicious fudge,

2008_Adam_birthday_06

some fun and games,

2008_Adam_birthday_03,

and lots of presents!

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Thank you Beth for the awesome Hawaiian touristy stuff. (Yes, that's a coconut turned into a football with a sunset painted on it and it's a bank!)

2008_Adam_birthday_02

Thank you, The Absurdist for the Nintendo Wii Charging Station, which I desperately needed!

Thank you to my parents for dinner and the first season of SNL on DVD.

Thank you, ADW, for the new Stephen King book. Can I call you when I scare myself silly at night reading?

Thank you, Heather, aka Coalminer's Granddaughter, for the Ghost Hunters book! I love that you're a fan of the show, too! You should read this book - it has some awesome stories in it.

Thank you, AmyD, for the delicious cookies from Deluscious Cookies. I've been thinking about those since I left Los Angeles.

Thank you to my Amy for the iPhone. Now I can try to be as cool as Britt!

Thank you, Poppy, for the book and movie that I might eventually see in May sometime!

Thank you, Clown, for the fudge. It likes me plenty.

Thank you, Britt, for the Lego Star Wars Wii Game! Now I have something to do while you're working!

Thank you to Alyssa for the gourmet brownies. I think I have diabetes now!

Thank you to everyone who sent a card, an e-card, an email, an IM, made a video or posted a post about my awesomosity. Thank you if you sent a gift and I haven't gotten it yet. My ego is now the size of Texas and, in fact, the political candidates are fighting over the electoral votes it gets now. So it looks like my plan to write my own name in as a candidate might have a chance!

I don't deserve the love, but I will accept it shamelessly.

Update: Here is a picture of the awesome cookies that AmyD sent:

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This is all I've got for today

 

Because a certain fucker hasn't sent me the pictures that she took, I don't have the pictures I wanted to post as part of a recap. Tomorrow I should have an actual birthday recap with photos and thanks and everything going out to all of the awesome people out there. Since my plans for today's post have been scrapped, I'm just going to share the card I scanned that I received from Sybil Law, where she actually recreated my own artwork and handmade a card!

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The top part is the front of the card. The bottom part is what was on the back of the envelope. Isn't that awesome?

AvitaWeek 2008: Lazy Sunday XXV

 

For the last day of AvitaWeek 2008, here is a really lazy meme:

YOUR REAL NAME:
Adam Heath Avitable

YOUR FLYGIRL/FLYBOY NAME: (first 4 letters of real name + izzle.)
Adamizzle

YOUR RAP NAME: (first initial of first name, first three or four letters of your last name)
A Avi

YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color + favorite animal)
Black Dolphin

YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (your middle name + street you live on)
Heath Birch

YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your dad’s side, your favorite candy)
Jerry Reeses

YOUR PORN STAR NAME: (your first pet’s name + street you grew up on)
Smoky Hummingbird

YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name + first 2 letters of your first name)
AviAd

JEDI NAME: (middle name spelled backwards, your grandmother’s maiden name spelled backwards)
Htaeh Yrael

YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (second favorite color + favorite alcoholic drink)
The Red Nothing

YOUR ACTION HERO NAME: (first name of a main character in the last movie you watched, last food you ate)
Juno Cookie

YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (your parents’ middle names)
Robert Leah

YOUR GOTH NAME: (black + the name of your pet)
Black Jigsaw

YOUR ARABIC NAME: (second letter of your first name + third letter of your last name + fourth letter of your middle name + second letter of your moms maiden name + third letter of you dad’s middle name + first letter of a siblings first name + last letter of your mom’s middle name)
Yeah, this one's offensive. Pass.

AvitaWeek 2008: Two for the price of one

 

In this penultimate day of AvitaWeek 2008 (my weeks end on Sunday, okay, fuckers?), I'm doing my typical Saturday vlog, with a twist!

Today is my actual birthday (my 31st, NOT my 40th), and so, first, here's a video done by the captivating genius word wrangler Crystal:

Here's the direct link for that one.

And, secondly, here's my video. Today's not just my birthday, after all. It's also the birthday of my elder and superior in many ways, AmyD! If you haven't already, head over to Amy's and tell her happy birthday. Amy, this is for you:

Here's that direct link.

AvitaWeek 2008: A Message From Mother Avitable

 

I'm not supposed to be here today.

Avitable asked his mom to write a post for him for his birthday. I think he was hoping he could capture some of the same magic I had on my birthday when my mom did a video post for me. Unfortunately, his mom was not up to the challenge (Which is not at all to insinuate that my mom loves me more than his mom loves him. Not at all.).

In an effort to soothe his poor wittel feelings, I agreed to step in as Avitable's mom for the day, because that's just the kind of friend I am.

I was trying to think what Avitable's mother might have said if she had been able to be here today. I wonder if she would have shared with us all the details of that magical day when she became a mom (like my mom did), remembering fondly the day the Avitable Legend really began.

Probably not.

Most likely, she would have used this day to lament all of the things she did wrong as a mother. Trust me, that's what we breeders do. And with a son like Adam, there's no doubt she has a long list of things that keep her up at night - wondering if she somehow could have done things differently, if it would have mattered.

Of course, I can't presume to speak officially for Mrs. Avitable, but I think it's safe to assume that she'd say...

I wish I had made his father hide the Hustlers better. All that nudity probably isn't good for a boy.

I should have been firmer when I found that silicone anus in his closet when he was 10. I figured it was a stage. The priest said it was probably nothing.

Speaking of which, I should have known better than to leave him alone with that guy.

I wonder if it would have made a difference if I had spent some time teaching him about the four food groups. I always assumed when he grew up he would naturally start eating grown up food.

I probably should have had a talk with him about those comics too. When he said he wasn't going to prom because there was a "convention" in town, that was probably a sign I shouldn't have ignored.

Although to be fair, it was just such a relief he wasn't trying to get special permission to take that Girl Scout again. God that was embarrassing. How do you explain to your friends that your 17 year old son is petitioning the school to be able to take a 12 year old girl to a dance?

And to think, I was so relieved to see him taking an interest in girls for once.

That joke about dressing him up in my clothes and telling him he was "mommy's little princess" really backfired.

He was my princess though. So cute too, in my hats and pearls. With the feathers and the jewels, you could almost forget he was covered in hair. God I remember how shocked I was to see so much hair on such a young boy.

*sigh* Yeah, I probably should have protected him from the pornography. And maybe I should have suppressed my disappointment that he wasn't a girl and nurtured the masculine side of him a little more. But he was my baby, hair and flamboyance and all.

And truth be told, he really still is.

Yeah, I think that's what she would have said.

Happy Birthday Avitable! And remember to join me as I co-host Mr. Fab's Big One Year Anniversary Show this weekend! (Sunday, 7pm EST, check local listings for details.)

AvitaWeek 2008:  Chocorrito

 

If you've read my proclamation over at the Church of Holy Avitableness, you may have seen this edict:

There are no rituals or ceremonies other than blogging for a normal parishioner of the COHA. However, if one wishes to become a Minister of Avitableness, there are three requirements:

1. Consume the holy communion. Forged from compressed and processed materials, the communion of the COHA consists of a microwaveable beef and cheese burrito heated to perfection and coated in refrigerated Hershey's chocolate syrup. The communion must be eaten with gusto. Lip smacks must abound.

Faithful readers from years past will also recall the discussion of delicious chocolate-covered burritos in these posts:

I've heard doubt, disgust, and disbelief. A few people made the valid point that I honestly haven't eaten one of these delicacies since I was in high school, which was 13 years ago.

So, for day four of AvitaWeek 2008, I decided to go ahead and show just how awesome and delicious a chocolate-covered burrito (or chocorrito, as I have now named them) can be!

This is one video you do not want to miss:

Here's the direct link from Youtube.

And don't forget! My birthday is in three days, and it's not too late to send me naked pictures of yourself or some other type of awesome gift! You can even check my wishlists if you want to actually spend your hard earned cash on spoiling me.

Last, but not least, for the "Guess Which Part" contest, here are the correct answers:

1. That is, indeed, my right butt cheek.
2. The bottom of my horrible, horrible foot.
3. My left knee.
4. Yup - most of you guessed it. That's my testicle.
5. Gorilla chest.
6. A shoulder.
7. My stomach - can't you see the happy trail?

I don't think anyone actually guessed all of them correctly. Thanks for playing!

AvitaWeek 2008:  Now you talk

 

It's Day 3 of AvitaWeek 2008, counting down to my 31st birthday (which is on the 26th, but we'll be celebrating on Friday instead). As always, you are encouraged to send me cards and beaucoup gifts. You can even see what I like on my wishlists!

Before we kick off today's post, I wanted to give a shout out to a birthday girl today - the hot, eloquent, and saucy yet demure Nina! She discovered this blog during NaNoWhoKnew, and I found her blog to be awesome and hilarious and smart. In fact, she's one of my favorite new blogs. Take a quick trip and wish this smokin' hot English teacher a happy birthday. I'll wait here.

Okay, done? Let's move on.


As I've said, this week is supposed to be all about Avitable. My ego is so huge that it has its own zip code, but it can always get bigger. Today, instead of coming up with something about myself (especially after yesterday's intimate look), I've decided that it's your turn!

Another one of my favorite new bloggers, Dan (who I gave a lashing to when I reviewed his blog last year), had a great idea about gathering testimonials about himself from readers that would subsequently be posted in his "About" section. Some were tongue-in-cheek, some were straightforward, but it was pretty fun.

On Dan's post, he says:

Seeing as though the comments on this blog are usually far more entertaining than the actual posts I thought that approach might work here too. I must point out that I’m not fishing for compliments; insults, name calling and general slander are encouraged too. You can write anything you want and I’ll publish it verbatim (within reason).

For me, of course, it's the opposite. My posts are far more entertaining than any of your comments, but here's your chance to finally have a comment that outshines the general awesomeness of my post! I'm also not fishing for compliments - I'll take anything I can get.

So, whether you're one of my top commenters, my mother, a lurker, or someone in between, let's hear it.


UPDATE:

I hate to say that I have completely neglected another of my favorite bloggers, the redheaded menace with a spoon, Tracy! She turns 40 today and needs all types of good birthday wishes. So head over there and wish her a happy birthday too!

AvitaWeek 2008:  Hair of the gorilla that bit you

 

It's Day 2 of AvitaWeek 2008, counting down to my 31st birthday. As always, you are encouraged to send me cards and prezzies, as those crazy Brits call them. You can even see what I like on my wishlists!

When I was trying to come up with ideas for this week, I knew that I'd have to make it more about me than usual. Since I'm an egotistical fuck, this is more difficult than it seems. I came to realize that there is very little about myself that hasn't made it on this blog in some form or another, and that the only way to make this week different from others was to get more in-depth with Avitable. More familiar. More intimate. And clearly, there was only one solution.

So, without further ado, I present:

An Intimate Portrait of Avitable, AKA


Guess the Body Part!

Can you match the picture with the body part? You can click for a larger version (although I don't know why you'd ever want these images to be larger on your computer screen). The body parts are:

1. Shoulder
2. Knee
3. Testicle
4. Butt cheek
5. Foot
6. Stomach
7. Chest

Leave your guesses in the comments. I don't think I'm going to give out a prize for this one, though. Because just by reading this post, we're all winners. Or is it losers?

And, while you're at it, head over to Amy at Amy's Musings to answer a plea she has for gift ideas for my birthday.