Thanks to Crazy Lady in Vegas:

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
The child support for my other family in Costa Rica.

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
Afghanistan, 1979.

3. Last time you puked from drinking?
I have never. I just pour my drink directly in the toilet.

4. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar?
Afghanistan, 1980.

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
It was either Mrs. Cairo or Winona Ryder. I can't remember.

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Resuming my career as a luchador.

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
The comptroller for a small county with a population under 40,000.

8. How many colleges did you attend?
4. I have a medical degree that I received from a small tribe in Papau, New Guinea.

9. GAS PRICES?
THINGS THAT GO UP AND DOWN?
THINGS THAT FLUCTUATE ARBITRARILY?
REASONS TO INVADE A COUNTRY COVERED IN SAND?

10. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you?
Would I strip naked and live on the moon? What was the question again?

11. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
Fire!

12. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
I wonder if I put out the fire in the laundry room?

13. Favorite style of underwear?
Chain mail.

14. Favorite style of underwear for the opposite sex?
Crotchless thong.

15. What errand/chore do you despise?
Chimneysweeping.

16. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer?
I currently spend my free time helping Jerry's Kids. At least, I think his name is Jerry.

17. Get up early or sleep in?
Depends on the decade.

18. When did you first start feeling old?
When Ann Margret looked hot to me. I was 15, though.

19. Favorite 80’s movie?
Ishtar.

20. Your favorite lunch meat?
Vermouth.

21. What do you get every time you go into Sam’s Club?
Crabs.

22. Beach or lake?
Stagnant retention pond.

23. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
Only the Holy Application of the Nut Brackets.

24. Favorite guilty pleasure?
Cataloging people's guilty pleasures.

25. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
My parents' sex tape.

26. What’s your drink?
Rum, a splash of month-old milk, a raw egg, two onions, and two fingers of Blue Curacao. I call it the Retch.

27. Who from high school would you like to run into?
That small circle of friends that I made when we swore that we would never tell about the guy that we killed and threw into the water.

28. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
WUSS

29. The Cosby Show or the Simpson’s?
Cop Rock.

30. What famous person(s) would you like to party with?
Eric Roberts

31. What famous person would you like to sleep with?
Steve Buscemi

32. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
It has a purpose? Mine are just painted on my walls.

33. Last book you read for real?
I just read War and Peace for fake.

34. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
In my butt.

35. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?
Walt Disney's secret chamber where his frozen head lives.

36. Do you go to church?
Of course. I'm Catholic.

37. What was your favorite gift this season?
A VHS tape of Sweating to the Oldies.

38. Do you wear perfume? What kind?
The musk of a female wolverine.

39. Showers or baths?
Sponge on a stick.

40. Just how OLD are you anyway?
Only as old as the doctor's finger in my asshole feels.

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