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Lazy Sunday XXII

Thanks to Crazy Lady in Vegas:

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
The child support for my other family in Costa Rica.

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
Afghanistan, 1979.

3. Last time you puked from drinking?
I have never. I just pour my drink directly in the toilet.

4. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar?
Afghanistan, 1980.

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
It was either Mrs. Cairo or Winona Ryder. I can’t remember.

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Resuming my career as a luchador.

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
The comptroller for a small county with a population under 40,000.

8. How many colleges did you attend?
4. I have a medical degree that I received from a small tribe in Papau, New Guinea.

9. GAS PRICES?
THINGS THAT GO UP AND DOWN?
THINGS THAT FLUCTUATE ARBITRARILY?
REASONS TO INVADE A COUNTRY COVERED IN SAND?

10. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you?
Would I strip naked and live on the moon? What was the question again?

11. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
Fire!

12. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
I wonder if I put out the fire in the laundry room?

13. Favorite style of underwear?
Chain mail.

14. Favorite style of underwear for the opposite sex?
Crotchless thong.

15. What errand/chore do you despise?
Chimneysweeping.

16. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer?
I currently spend my free time helping Jerry’s Kids. At least, I think his name is Jerry.

17. Get up early or sleep in?
Depends on the decade.

18. When did you first start feeling old?
When Ann Margret looked hot to me. I was 15, though.

19. Favorite 80’s movie?
Ishtar.

20. Your favorite lunch meat?
Vermouth.

21. What do you get every time you go into Sam’s Club?
Crabs.

22. Beach or lake?
Stagnant retention pond.

23. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
Only the Holy Application of the Nut Brackets.

24. Favorite guilty pleasure?
Cataloging people’s guilty pleasures.

25. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
My parents’ sex tape.

26. What’s your drink?
Rum, a splash of month-old milk, a raw egg, two onions, and two fingers of Blue Curacao. I call it the Retch.

27. Who from high school would you like to run into?
That small circle of friends that I made when we swore that we would never tell about the guy that we killed and threw into the water.

28. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
WUSS

29. The Cosby Show or the Simpson’s?
Cop Rock.

30. What famous person(s) would you like to party with?
Eric Roberts

31. What famous person would you like to sleep with?
Steve Buscemi

32. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
It has a purpose? Mine are just painted on my walls.

33. Last book you read for real?
I just read War and Peace for fake.

34. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
In my butt.

35. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?
Walt Disney’s secret chamber where his frozen head lives.

36. Do you go to church?
Of course. I’m Catholic.

37. What was your favorite gift this season?
A VHS tape of Sweating to the Oldies.

38. Do you wear perfume? What kind?
The musk of a female wolverine.

39. Showers or baths?
Sponge on a stick.

40. Just how OLD are you anyway?
Only as old as the doctor’s finger in my asshole feels.

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21 Replies to “Lazy Sunday XXII”

  1. The Absurdist

    Hilarious!

    One time, I set the stove on fire at my ex-husband’s house (before we were married). I didn’t know. He was hosting a “World in Flames” party, and I was cooking pizza for them. I killed the pizza stone and the fat elvis. We were never able to get a new fat elvis. I never was forgiven for killing the pizza stone. I also learned to never wash a pizza stone. He loved that pizza stone more than he loved me. 🙁

  2. Avitable

    Poppy, I was afraid that people wouldn’t get the $10,000 Pyramid reference.

    Amanda, I love guys who look like toothy frogs.

    Britt, that’s the last time I try to write a post when we’re both naked.

    ABsurdist, I’m so confused about fat elvis.

    Nina, crying from laughing?

    Christie, exactly. It gets caught in your pubes, though.

  3. Kylah

    I saw Steve Buscemi eating brunch with John Turturro at this place in my neighborhood this summer. I’ve heard he eats there a lot, so if you want I can tell you were it is so you can make number 31 a reality.

  4. hellohahanarf

    love me some steve buscemi! i get the feeling that he would be a blast to have several cocktails with.

    chainmail crotchless thongs will haunt my dreams tonight. hope you are happy.

  5. Amy

    :lmao: Heee hee. I’ve had too many Bloody Marys (Maries???) to leave a decent comment, but I promise, every one is looking at me really weird for laughing out loud at my monitor. Hones.t

  6. Avitable

    Kylah, I’ll start packing now.

    Poppy, the board game version?

    Sybil, I’m sick in the crotch, too.

    Hello, don’t you have a chainmail crotchless thong?

    Amy, drinking and commenting is fun!

    Beamer, it’s not my sex tape.

    Fab, have fun with that!

  7. Beamer

    “25. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
    My parents’ sex tape.”

    “Beamer, it’s not my sex tape.”

    Ok, now I’m just confused. So I’m hoping this means it is NOT a tape of your Parents having sex that you own. I’m really really hoping that is what that means.

    :sexytime:

    Beamer

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