Last Thursday night, I enjoyed a good meal out at my favorite German restaurant with my wife and a friend and his girlfriend. To me (and to many others), enjoying a good meal means eating until I'm about to burst. With a Chicken Cordon Bleu Schnitzel, cheddarwurst, bratwurst, heaven & earth mashed potatoes, an entire loaf of French bread, and about fourteen Diet Cokes rolling around in my stomach, I usually have about 20-30 minutes of leeway before I make a mad dash for retire to my library/throne room.
We pulled into the garage, and I gave my typical perfunctory thanks and expressions of urgency. It sounded like "Hey guys thanks for coming I'm going to run to the bathroom why don't you make yourselves at home and watch TV and sweetie I'll talk to you later gotta go-" and it was followed by gingerly walking to the bathroom while shedding clothing, shoes, keys, cell phone, and wallet on the way.
Once I get to my throne room, all was well. I had a few books to read, some comic books, magazines - plenty of entertainment for the next 20-45 minutes. My wife came to the door and told me she was going to bed and that my friend and girlfriend were watching television. I blew kisses to her through the door and returned to my reading material.
Twenty-five minutes had passed, and I was done. Time to join my guests and play some Wii (Raving Rabbids 2)! Alas, it was not quite meant to be. My hand reached over, and instead of the plush, butt-gentle feel of cotton toilet paper, I felt an empty spool. Luckily, we always keep an extra roll under the sink for just this situation. I opened the cabinet and saw that our contingency plan had failed. There was no toilet paper. Here I was, trapped in my throne room, with no means to wipe. My kingdom for a square of Cottonelle!
I wouldn't ask my friend to bring me a roll from the hall closet. My wife was in bed. There had to be something I could use instead! Frantically, I searched around for substitutes.
Hand towel? Fuck no. Not only is that horrifyingly disgusting, but Amy would absolutely kill me.
Old magazine? How would that even work?
Kleenex? Nope, it's an empty box.
My sock? Hmmmm. This is a possibility. Let's keep this one as an option.
Just wash off in the tub? Dear God that's a horrible idea!
The pile of magazine renewal cards? Tried that with one. It hurt and didn't work too well.
Clorox Disinfecting Wipes? .....That's so crazy it might just work!
I pulled out three or four of the wipes and used them. The first thought I had was that this must be what a baby feels like when its ass is wiped with wet wipes. Even though it's nice and clean, you still feel wet and cold and a bit slimy.
The second thought I had, after wiping and flushing and putting clothes back on and standing up, was:
"Why is my butthole burning?"
My third, and final thought regarding the matter, after grabbing a new roll of toilet paper from the hall closet, running back into the bathroom, soaping up toilet paper and trying to clean away the burning, was:
"Congratulations, Adam. You just bleached your anus."
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AAAAAHHH
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Thanks for the laughs before I head off to bed!
First again!
Yes!
Dude. That is funny. Damn.
Comments by Sybil Law
OMG, this is the fucking funniest thing I've read for quite a long time!
Don't forget that not only did you bleach but you also disinfected!
Comments by bobgirrl
heh...I hope you learned a lesson
Comments by Amanda
I know that laughing at the pain of another human being is unkind. BUT,that was very funny.
Comments by Mary
Just be glad it was only your arse you had to wipe
Comments by Dee
That was insane. Amazing what you can learn on the Internet.
Also you need to change your link at Amy's musings. It don't take you here it takes you where you yell at people for going there.
Apology Accepted.
Beamer
Comments by Beamer
Heh. You should have used the sock.
Comments by bluepaintred
um, yeah. i do believe that anus bleaching is one of those activities they say you shouldn't try at home. i am now convinced why. teehee.
Comments by danny/ink2metal
I've always heard about an ass so clean you could eat off it. I never guessed it would be yours.
By the way, baby wipes aren't just for babies. I always have a box in the bathroom. It's wildly refreshing.
Comments by jester
I am still not over the item where there are teeth in there. EEEEE.
Comments by Nina
Now it's pink as the day you were born! Congratulations... usually people have to pay big bucks for that, and you've found a way to do at-home anal bleaching for the cost of a wipe! Can't imagine the Google hits you'll get for this one...
Comments by Dave2
Your brown starfish is now gleaming white. You don't get that many albino starfish. You should perhaps join the carnival.
Comments by Dan
I'm still going back to relief that you didn't resort back to using your sock.
Comments by golfwidow
25 minutes? You routinely spend 25 minutes in the bathroom like that?
Thank God you never visit.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
I'm not convinced this story is true.
I think clearly there must be pictorial evidence of said anal bleaching.
Comments by Miss Britt
oh god. please ignore what Britt just said
Comments by bluepaintred
FRIDAY night.
Comments by Clown
Sybil, yet again, my pain for your pleasure.
Bobgirrl, you could eat off of it now.
Amanda, I will start carrying toilet paper with me everywhere I go.
Mary, I have no problem with schadenfreude.
Dee, as opposed to someone else's?
Beamer, it has been fixed.
BPR, the wipes seemed like the better alternative.
Danny, you mean there's no "Anal Bleaching at Home" kit?
Jester, it feels disconcerting, even before the burning.
Nina, teeth?
Dave, my Google hits would probably only got worse if I said something about "porn star anal bleaching".
Dan, I can see the billboards now.
Golfwidow, yeah, that was really a last resort.
Fab, yeah, it's my throne room!
Britt, I'll just show you later.
BPR, don't worry. The only asshole pictures you'll see here will be if I talk about Presidential candidates.
Clown, ah, thank you for the correction.
Comments by Avitable
Since I highly doubt those wipes are actually meant to be flushed, just be glad you didn't have a bigger mess on your hands. Oh wow, that would have been so gross.
Comments by Peggy
You and Tyler were sooooo separated at birth... at least when it comes to going to the bathroom for 30 minutes! How can you stand the smell? Do you courtesy flush? Take in a nosegay of flowers to sniff while reading said comics? Tell me!
But back to the anal bleaching. That's just awesome. Glad you've found a practical application for Clorox wipes. Are you going to alert Clorox?
Comments by Coal Miner's Granddaughter
I can see the a new business for you, Anal Bleaching In Your Own Home! The porn stars are going to love you! Cheap and quick!
Comments by Trish
Yes, yes you did. Did you check it in the mirror to see if it was whiter?
Comments by Poppy
At least you didn't PAY to have your anus bleached.
Comments by themuttprincess
Well at least you killed all the germs and bacteria down there. We wouldn't want anything to get infected you know.
God, think how funny this would have been if you had some raging hemorrhoids!
Comments by Jay
how could you possibly be out of BOTH kleenex and tp??!?! damn, boy, plan ahead!
(ha, i finally got to use this shit image)
Comments by hellohahanarf
oh, i forgot to ask...how long did the burning last?
Comments by hellohahanarf
Please write to Clorox. Just change the story a bit and tell them their deceptive wipey format confused you. Give their customer service folks a good Monday story for the cubicle dwellers. You might even get coupons which will help set up your Home Anal Brite business.
Comments by Deb on the Rocks
Peggy, I've got an industrial toilet that can flush anything!
CMG, of course you courtesy flush! And maybe I'll let Clorox know about a new use.
Trish, does that mean I have to be the one to apply the wipes?
Poppy, I did not. I'll get right on that.
TMP, I just saved a bundle!
Jay, I think if I had hemorrhoids and did that, I'd probably have to stick a popsicle up my ass to feel better.
Hello, the burning was gone after a few hours. Mostly.
Deb, Home Anal Brite - I like the sound of that!
Comments by Avitable
Why, you could start a service now that you have experience! It's a moneymaking extravaganza!
Comments by RW
i can't believe you just said something about a popsicle up your ass. we had a girl work for us in IT for a short while and she loved to talk about sticking popsicles up her boyfriend's ass or haivng him shove one up her ass. then again, she strapped on a dildo and would bang him in the butt. to all of which i tried to say, "to each their own" until she wouldn't shut up about it. i gotta work with you, i don't need to imagine your man with a skirt on and you ramming his butt with a cherry popsicle. damn, what is wrong with people? she has been gone for over 7 years and we still don't eat popsicles.
Comments by hellohahanarf
OMG lmfao! That's beyond funny. You bleeched your asshole? Oh Adam. When will you ever learn!!
By the way...this smilie is SO BEYOND DISGUSTING!
I actually taped my friends watching that 2 Girls 1 Cup thing. Hilarious responses from it :)
Comments by Sarcastica
OMG I'm totally LMAO over here!! I hope it didn't burn too horribly. Yikes!!
Comments by Cheri
I heard the actor Terrence Howard uses baby wipes to wipe his butt and won't date a girl unless she does, too... but you've beat Baby Wipes Howard by a mile and taken it to a new level... ouch!
Comments by cat
When Mr Clean came out with their flushable bathroom wipes several years ago they came in something that almost resembled a travel sized baby wipes package. Mr. Tana thought they WERE baby wipes, but you did it on purpose. Egads!
Comments by tana
RW, care to give me a testimonial in exchange for a free service?
Hello, he has to wear a skirt on to get his butt rammed?
Sarcastica, that smilie is awesome! Did you post that video of your friends watching it?
Cheri, only for an hour or two.
Cat, really? That's kinda freaky.
Tana, egads indeed!
Comments by Avitable
nope, he does not HAVE to wear one. just sometimes...only when he wants to.
anything else you want to know about their sex life? coz i know waaaay too much about their antics. escecially since she would never take off that trench coat and smelled of cigarettes and fish. blech!
Comments by hellohahanarf
You could do one of those car insurance commercials. Instead of "I just saved money on my car insurance" You can say " I just saved a bundle on bleaching my ass!!!"
Comments by themuttprincess
I have no need of it. I need tp for my bung hole. I am the great cornholio.
Comments by RW
I thought you stripped your clothes off on the way to the throne, how did you have a sock?
Comments by Amy
OMG that is too damn funny! Nothing like a good old anal bleaching.
Look at it this way, you now have the cleanest butthole in town.
Comments by PreposterousPonderings@gmail.com
Hello, cigarettes and fish - sounds horrifying.
TMP, I just saved money of my shiny new anus!
RW, the apocalypse is nigh.
Amy, I didn't take my socks off. I had a t-shirt, underwear and socks left in the bathroom, then just a t-shirt and socks.
Preposterous, I don't know about that. Maybe I should start doing inspections to make sure.
Comments by Avitable
And I thought the couple who locked themselves out of their own bedroom were dumb :D
Comments by Robin
A panty liner or mini pad would have worked too, I'm sure there has to be a box of something like that under the counter... but wouldn't have been nearly as entertaining as the wipes!
Comments by jasmine
avi, "horrifying" does not even touch how terrible it was to have to speak to her or deal with her in any way. i'm still scarred!
Comments by hellohahanarf
I only recently find you via the Google Reader it suggested I might like your blog and it was right that scary scary thing
this post is the funniest thing I have read in so long my neighbours came to ask if I was ok which I wasnt I think I have hurt myself (but not with bleach)
just awesome human suffering is the funniest of entertainment thats why that chaplin guy made so much money lol
I'm also fairly sure bleaching your own ass as opposed to paying for it has to be some kind of fetish
The Burn......
Comments by L
"I'm also fairly sure bleaching your own ass as opposed to paying..."
ok, i gotta ask...where the hell does one go to bleach their ass? coz that shit ain't in the phone book.
Comments by hellohahanarf
Robin, what, I should have used my sock?
Jasmine, this was the guest bathroom. There were no female pads to be found.
Hello, I think you get it done in the same salons where they do brazilian waxes.
L, thanks for the visit and comment. And ass bleaching may indeed be a fetish - I wonder if I'll get a lot of fetishist visitors now!
Comments by Avitable
Exactly!!!
Comments by themuttprincess
Once again you have driven all coherent thought from my head. Did it leave your surface sparkling clean?
Comments by Bec
Some people pay good money to have that kind of bleaching done. (but not me, don't get the wrong idea) Maybe another line of business for you and Brit.
Comments by Summer
LMAO
Now, I'm off to remove the clorox bleach wipes from the bathroom, because that is something my 7 year old would do, just so he wouldn't have to ask for the TP.
Comments by Fantastagirl
During however many months I was in Egypt last time, no matter what kind of village I was in, no matter how primitive the "toilet" was, I never had the problem of there not being any toilet paper(because I always carried it around with me in my purse), so this was hilarious!
Comments by Girl, Dislocated
Geez you are such a guy. Always, always keep at least three rolls in the guest bath. I do a half and half. There's only two of you in the household for crying out loud.
Oh by the way: The only thing I never learned of value from one of my ex-boyfriends is to buy Scott's toilet paper. The rolls are huge, and as a woman, it takes me a week and a half to go through one. They are like the toilet paper rolls in public bathroom; if you are willing to use that instead of something "quilted", which I never understood, you will practically never run out of toilet paper.
I would also surmise that you were the one that used the standby roll, and forgot to replace it,you dork.
Comments by The Absurdist
This seems like a more pleasant way of getting it clean.
Comments by MyWeeWorld
A sock wouldn't have bleached your anus.
Comments by Robin
I am pretty sure I remember reading on Clorox wipes that they don't use bleach but they are not to be used for personal hygeine. Still, considering your other options....
Comments by Lynda
So, you bleached your ass. My question is this: what were your friends doing during those 25 minutes while you were bleaching your ass? I know that if I bleached my ass I would have a difficult time containing my ingenuity.
Comments by Lisa
TMP, it's always good to be a glass half-full type of person.
Bec, as far as I can tell it did.
Summer, Britt's goal is to stay as far away from the anus as possible. Even her own.
Fantastagirl, c'mon - it might give you good blog fodder!
Girl, Dislocated, I do bring my own toilet paper when I travel. Just not at home, apparently.
Absurdist, we had a lot of guests and I think it just got whittled down. I also have employees in the house five days a week who use the toilet paper. And I need the nice quilted stuff. My ass is worth it.
MyWeeWorld, are you volunteering?
Robin, true. But I might have gotten cotton stuck up there.
Lynda, well, the burning must have come from something!
Lisa, they were watching TV. I was trying to stay inconspicuous.
Comments by Avitable