Now I don't profess to know or care about politics. It just doesn't matter to me. I'm an upper middle class straight married white male - no matter who's in power, I'm going to be just fine. But just for shits and giggles, I've decided to apply my extremely limited knowledge to discuss the candidates for the Republican primaries. Tomorrow, if I have time, I'll take on the Democrats.
First, I think Republicans are the ones who want to censor porn but promote guns, support tobacco but destroy any type of public assistance, and kill anyone who is different than them. Oh, and they pray to Jesus when it suits them. Right?
And Democrats are the ones who want to protect civil liberties while giving our money away to everyone, promote free speech while supporting ridiculous levels of political correctness, legalize marijuana but criminalize tobacco, and kill anyone who is different than them. Oh, and they go to church when they need to skew conservative. Right?
Now that we've straightened that out, let's get started:
For the Republican primaries, let's start with Rudy Jooleyanni. As many of you know, Rudy started out as a small kid in a steel mill town who wasn't allowed to play football because he wasn't big enough. But, in the end, he played for Notre Dame, and now, he won't let anyone forget the fact that he managed to play in the big leagues. He was the mayor of Gotham, but then the Joker got him with his poison, and he ended up on Saturday Night Live in drag. He's been married fourteen thousand times, and he doesn't realize that there are states and people in between New York and Los Angeles.
Next, we have Mike Huckleberry. Huckleberry is a good old Arkansas boy who used to get in lots of trouble with Tom Sawyer and almost got hisself kilt by Injun Joe. He found Jesus and has a fake law degree that was honorarily given by his no-name school. Since, as a boy, he got into trouble all the time, he used his power as governor to let a convicted rapist go. All he asked was that the rapist wear a "Vote Huckabee" pin and gave bumper stickers to his future victims. He is extremely popular among comedians who can't wait to rhyme his name with "Fuck a Bee".
The third candidate is Dunkin' Donuts Hunter. His nickname came from the fact that his eyes always looks glazed over, and his face has the consistency of a cruller. When Hunter was a boy, he had a tree house and he painted a sign that said "No Gurls Allowed". Girls kept coming to visit, though, so he erected a security fence around his house and had guard dogs patrol it to make sure that no illegal girls entered his property. Hunter is not related to the creator of the Hunter Jet, but he is second cousins with Hunter from television, played by Fred Dryer.
Number four is Alan Keyes, again. He's a black Republican.
Johnny McCain was originally the inspiration for the Rambo films. He is almost 100 years old now, but he routinely goes walking in bad areas of Phoenix and beats up gang members who try to rob him. Several years ago, some of his friends decided that they wanted to let people give them money, then they would promise interest on that money, but in reality, they were just going to take it all and use it to buy hookers and coke. And islands. Johnny was lucky to escape any real problems from this scandal, and now he has tried to take on all cliches that come to politics, from porkbarrelling to carpetbagging to pagesucking. At night, he lays in bed and dreams of actually being a Democrat so that he could marry John Stewart.
RuPaul, our sixth candidate, is a Republican from the good old days when Republican meant something. He has wisely used the Internet to garner support. Using viral marketing campaigns to drum up name recognition, Paul has slowly edged out "Subservient Chicken" and "Paris Hilton Sex Tape" as the top Google keywords for the last quarter of 2007. Paul is a doctor and has been fist deep in more vaginas than Bill Clinton. He is a strict Constitutionalist (aka a constructionist), but mainly because he was alive when it was originally drafted. Fun Ron Paul fact: He actually delivered Thomas Jefferson's black girlfriend's child!
"Mitt Romney" is German for "With Noodles". He is a Mormon candidate who has 3 wives scattered throughout Utah. Each of his wives has three husbands, and each husband has three more wives, and so on and so on, which means that he is actually related to 99% of the Utah population, guaranteeing his win for that state. On his property in Utah, he has a fence that he likes to sit on. He's managed to stay in good shape by hopping this fence as appropriate, landing on one side after another very agilely.
Fred Thompson wishes that politics was like his role as the District Attorney on Law and Order. Why can't he just show up a few minutes at a time, say a few pithy things, and then go back to his trailer to have sex with his wife who is 75 years younger than he is?
And that's my well-researched, educated, in-depth political analysis. I think maybe I should go into this for a career and get a half hour on CSPAN where I can talk loudly and belittle people while sharing my opinion as if it matters! Oh yeah, and since my opinion matters, here is my ranking of the candidates:
By overall appeal (highest to lowest):
1. Paul
2. McCain
3. Giuliani
4. Thompson
5. Hunter
6. Huckabee
7. Romney
8. Keyes
By penis size (largest to smallest):
1. Thompson
2. Keyes
3. Paul
4. McCain
5. Romney
6. Hunter
7. Huckabee
8. Giuliani
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McCain will have to fight me for John Stewart. Although he is a badass, he could probably take me
Comments by Amanda
Excellent job on the basics of each candidate. Now you get to sit back and have everybody come in and tell you how you are so wrong about THEIR candidate but so right about all the rest.
Comments by Jay
I think I'm more confused than ever!
Comments by Sheila
here's hoping you don't have time to get into the other ones. politics, even a satire - which I assume this is due to the tag ( did not bother to read it) - bore me incredibly.
Comments by bluepaintred
Well i enjoyed it and I don't even know who 90% of those people are (I only have heard of Huckabee, but to be fair how many candidates for the recent Liberal Democrat party leadership election in the UK could you name?)
I've heard of Clinton though, and am amazed that you Americans would even consider voting for a transexual, even if it is a clever way of getting round that "only 8 years in power" rule.
Comments by Dan
You're straight?
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Hell yeah Thompson has the biggest dick!
Although, I think Huckabee is smaller than Giuliani. Seriously. When he lost all that weight, he lost length and girth. Right?
Comments by Coal Miner's Granddaughter
This was actually pretty good Adam. Yay.
Except of course for this bullshit:
"Now I don't profess to know or care about politics. It just doesn't matter to me. I'm an upper middle class straight married white male - no matter who's in power, I'm going to be just fine."
You do know that Republicans are anti-porn and pedophilia, don't you? I mean, unless you're in office.
Comments by Miss Britt
i love you. big time.
Comments by hellohahanarf
You might help me to actually enjoy this
erectionelection.Comments by Robin
Thanks for clearing up the Alan Keyes issue. I was confused. Now I can't wait to vote! This year I'll stagger my dad with my new-found knowledge when we discuss politics!!
Comments by metalmom
Bossy is impressed: You're not a Political Pundit, but you play one on TV.
Comments by BOSSY
I Republican't read this post.
Comments by Poppy
Pop quiz - Who was the last person Alan Keyes ran against in an election?
Comments by RW
Damn. You went there didn't you? In the entire blogosphere I trust that this is the one place I can go and not have to hear about politics and you totally fucked that one for me, didn't you?
Hmmm. Still... I do like your views on Jooleyanni.
Comments by Amy
Mike Huckleberry and Dave2... separated at birth??
Comments by RW
um
awesome
Comments by Crys
oh, as for Keyes running...it was here in Illinois against Jack Ryan, amirite?
Comments by Crys
and speaking of that carpet bagger Keyes—i had no idea he was even running! that ups the GOP har quotient by like a million
Comments by Crys
Crys - it was right here in Illinois, yes. but it was against a certain Democrat.
Comments by RW
I can't wait until you do the Democrats!!!
Comments by Cheri
oh duh, you're totally right RW. he REPLACED Ryan. mind wasn't working.
Obama.
i remember my husband wanting to throw in his hat to run on the GOP ticket for senator because all they had at the time was Keyes and various other cantaloupe-type personalities.
yes, my husband is a Republican.
Comments by Crys
After reading this, politics make a lot more sense now.
Comments by Fergie
We have a winner!
Comments by RW
Remember when you do the Democrats by penis size to include Hillary's - it walks, talks and used to be president.
Ah, the good old days - Sex and Sax in the White House!
Comments by Bec
Amanda, he's old fashioned, though, and won't hit a girl. I think you'll win.
Jay, apparently everybody agrees with me!
Sheila, after my clean and well-thought out explanation?
BPR, good thing this isn't about politics!
Dan, well, there's a distinct advantage to a penis and breasts.
Fabulous, well, compared to you, I am.
CMG, actually, when he lost the weight, his dick probably got bigger.
Britt, Republicans love pedophilia!
Hello, me, too!
Robin, that's my goal in life.
Metalmom, tell him you found the info on the interweb.
Bossy, I stole the idea from you.
Poppy, is the font too small for your old eyes?
RW, no clue. I just remember being in college where my school does the Mock Convention to choose the winner of the primaries, and Alan Keyes was involved then, too.
Amy, this isn't about politics. It's about people!
RW, very possibly. Especially with the freeing rapists part. Dave loves rapists! Honestly, though, it really does look like an older version of Dave. Freaky.
Crystal, thanks!
Cheri, hopefully tomorrow, if I've got the energy.
Fergie, I'm all about bringing education to the world.
Comments by Avitable
Bec, oh, I will!
Comments by Avitable
Awesome.
I feel like now I can make a much better, edumacated decision amongst these idiots.
Thanks!
Comments by Sybil Law
DID YOU JUST RECYCLE A COMMENT ON ME?!?!?!
FUCKING A, BUDDY!
You threw this comment at Abs just yesterday.
Comments by Poppy
But... it LOOKED like politics... and it SMELLED like politics (smells similar to a cat litter box, I think)...
I don't know, I think you've betrayed my trust here.
Comments by Amy
Given your demographic, sole-proprietorship and age... if this is the digs on the republicans I am definitely going to enjoy your post on the dems.
Grouchy Old Cripple is a good blog if you want to read dem-bashing every day. Oh, and Saturday Boobage.
Comments by Wayne
Sybil, edumacation is what I'm all about.
Poppy, I did?
Amy, I betrayed trust? This is politics!
Wayne, demographic? Sole proprietorship? I'm an S-corp with shareholders and employees spread across the country. I'm anti-Republican, but that doesn't make me pro-Democrat.
Comments by Avitable
Click this. Yesterday.
Comments by Poppy
I now realize why I adore you so.
If I were to put you in a padded room with my former boyfriend and demand that you talk politics, the two of you would fight like rabid wolves for hours - but eventually end up holding each other all night.
'Cept in the morning he'd either commit suicide or go to confession - and you'd make an drawing of him sucking his thumb and post it on your blog.
Everything is so clear to me now. Everything.
Comments by Nina
Poppy, damn, you're right!
Nina, I have that effect on people.
Comments by Avitable
("...for once." Go ahead and finish the sentence, it's ok.)
Comments by Poppy
A few observations:
1. Yes Republicans only verbally denounce porn, pedophilia and gay dudes. They they go into public men's rooms, close the stall door and waive $20 bills under the partition. It's their idea of the new PELL grant for college kids.
2. I would have to put Huckabee above Jewlyany in popularity. I mean insanity is at least endearing, Rudy is just an asshole.
3. While Thompson MIGHT have the biggest dick, you KNOW its gotta take a bucket of Viagra to make it work.
Comments by Y2k Survivor
Poppy, for once.
Y2K, those are some good points you make there.
Comments by Avitable
There's only one thing you need to know about Fred Thompson:
"Russians don't take a dump, son, without a plan!"
Ah, Hunt for Red October deliciousness!
Comments by Husband of CMG
Ty, I had forgotten about that one!
Comments by Avitable
It never occurred to me that Thompson would have a large penis. I will never look at him the same way aagain.
Comments by The Absurdist
Absurdist, never look at him or at his crotch the same again?
Comments by Avitable