Yesterday I took a well-reasoned, educated look at the candidates for the Republican primary. Today, I take on the Democrats!
Hillary Rodman Clinton, formerly married to basketball legend Dennis Rodman, has stayed out of the public spotlight for almost her entire career. Almost nothing is known about her or her background, and most Americans are unaware of her candidacy. In fact, outside of her former home state of Arkansas, where she was known for being a warm homemaker, raising her large family, and baking cookies for the neighbors while participating in church events, most people assumed by her name that she was related to P-Funk headliner George Clinton.
John Edwards knew from age 6 that he was going to be a plaintiff’s lawyer, when he successfully sued his mother for $2.6 million after she made him eat goulash that she had prepared for dinner. From that point forward, he has sued pool companies, hospitals, dogs, corporations, foreign governments and, in one distinguished case, a slice of pizza. His legal career has resulted in verdicts totalling $400 kazillion, of which he has received 1/3, plus his expenses. As a result, he owns most of the state of North Carolina and part of the moon. He’s been known to say that if he doesn’t win the primary this time, he’s got a subpoena for every man, woman, and child in North America.
Mike Gravel is from Alaska and his real name is Maurice.
Dennis O’Kucinich started off life as a leprechaun, but after being caught by a Ohio businessman traveling through Ireland, he relinquished his pot of gold and decided to embark on a career in politics. He went missing for several years and was later found stuck in the butt cheeks of Ted Kennedy. Reflecting on his years in ass-crack hell, O’Kucinich has called for the abolition of all nuclear weapons and all Taco Bells. While his chances in the primaries seem slim, his biggest supporters seem to be the Keebler Elves, the Lollipop Guild, other leprechauns, and people who don’t mind someone who waffles on abortion.
Barack “Pork” Obama got his nickname not because he used to be Muslim before he decided to run for President, but because he chooses to call himself “The Other White Meat”. He is an excellent public speaker and once managed to speak on important issues for over four hours without actually saying anything substantive or offering any true opinions on any subject. In 2005, he was listed as one of 10 people who could change the world. In 2007, he was listed as one of 10 people who frequently changes his socks. Little known fact – his parents almost named him Barack Satan Obama but decided that they’d go with a more innocuous name.
And now, before my CSPAN career is launched as a political pundit, here are some more of my oh-so important opinions:
By overall appeal (highest to lowest):
By number of gay and/or black friends (most to least):
After reading about all of the contenders, I’m thinking of doing a write-in campaign for either Kermit the Frog, Superman, or myself.