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Year of the Ass?

Yesterday I took a well-reasoned, educated look at the candidates for the Republican primary. Today, I take on the Democrats!


Hillary Rodman Clinton, formerly married to basketball legend Dennis Rodman, has stayed out of the public spotlight for almost her entire career. Almost nothing is known about her or her background, and most Americans are unaware of her candidacy. In fact, outside of her former home state of Arkansas, where she was known for being a warm homemaker, raising her large family, and baking cookies for the neighbors while participating in church events, most people assumed by her name that she was related to P-Funk headliner George Clinton.


John Edwards knew from age 6 that he was going to be a plaintiff’s lawyer, when he successfully sued his mother for $2.6 million after she made him eat goulash that she had prepared for dinner. From that point forward, he has sued pool companies, hospitals, dogs, corporations, foreign governments and, in one distinguished case, a slice of pizza. His legal career has resulted in verdicts totalling $400 kazillion, of which he has received 1/3, plus his expenses. As a result, he owns most of the state of North Carolina and part of the moon. He’s been known to say that if he doesn’t win the primary this time, he’s got a subpoena for every man, woman, and child in North America.


Mike Gravel is from Alaska and his real name is Maurice.


Dennis O’Kucinich started off life as a leprechaun, but after being caught by a Ohio businessman traveling through Ireland, he relinquished his pot of gold and decided to embark on a career in politics. He went missing for several years and was later found stuck in the butt cheeks of Ted Kennedy. Reflecting on his years in ass-crack hell, O’Kucinich has called for the abolition of all nuclear weapons and all Taco Bells. While his chances in the primaries seem slim, his biggest supporters seem to be the Keebler Elves, the Lollipop Guild, other leprechauns, and people who don’t mind someone who waffles on abortion.


Barack “Pork” Obama got his nickname not because he used to be Muslim before he decided to run for President, but because he chooses to call himself “The Other White Meat”. He is an excellent public speaker and once managed to speak on important issues for over four hours without actually saying anything substantive or offering any true opinions on any subject. In 2005, he was listed as one of 10 people who could change the world. In 2007, he was listed as one of 10 people who frequently changes his socks. Little known fact – his parents almost named him Barack Satan Obama but decided that they’d go with a more innocuous name.

And now, before my CSPAN career is launched as a political pundit, here are some more of my oh-so important opinions:

By overall appeal (highest to lowest):

1. Obama
2. Edwards
3. Clinton
4. Gravel
5. Kucinich

By number of gay and/or black friends (most to least):

1. Clinton
2. Kucinich
3. Gravel
4. Edwards
5. Obama

After reading about all of the contenders, I’m thinking of doing a write-in campaign for either Kermit the Frog, Superman, or myself.

45 thoughts on “Year of the Ass?”

  1. Damn I thought Dennis Kucinich looked all innocent, like a house elf. Who knew he was evil enough to want to abolish taco bell? Who cares about Ted Kennedy’s ass, I just want my nachos bell grande.

  2. Ummm… Superman is just a comic book character… but I would totally vote for Kermit!

    And maybe you. It depends on what -ahem- position you will assign me in the Avitable White House.

    Okay, I take that back… I really don’t want to know.

  3. Amanda, he’s against all types of bombs, including fart bombs caused by Nachos Bell Grande.

    Sheila, then we’d at least know we had a puppet in charge.

    BPR, look again – they’re all boobs!

    Dave, you’d head the TSA, which would start regulating airport behavior among passengers.

    Mixednut, I’m like the whole McLaughlin Group rolled up into one gorilla package.

    Trish, I’ve got the inside track.

    Britt, you mean, if I hadn’t, I would be in trouble for something?

    NYCWD, I endorse this snorting.

    Crystal, if it makes you har, that’s all that matters.

  4. OK that’s Mike Gravel. Now I wish I could figure out who the hell he is and why he keeps coming up high on the list when I take those stupid “who is your candidate” quizzes. He looks kind of goofy.

  5. avitable for president? yes, please! i would totally vote for you. who is your running mate…britt (for the female vote), fabby (for the gay vote) or jester (for the gay vote)?

  6. I can’t tell you how much I was looking forward to today’s post. The funniest look at the candidates I’ve seen in a while.
    But come on, if Kermit is president, that makes first lady Miss Piggy…and we REALLY don’t need that. Superman…now you’re talking!

  7. Take your pick. I’m multi-personalitous today.

    Brown-nosing comment: “You had me at ‘ass'”

    Polite comment: “Nice review, although I think you missed touching on some of the important issues we must face as a nation.”

    Truthful comment: “I was expecting something a lot nastier, but it was still funny enough to finish reading and dare I say – even enjoy.”

    Harsh comment: “This post sucked more ass than Oprah’s liposuction technician”.

  8. RW, you’re not 100.

    Robin, but they’ll be paranoid and think we’re always after their lucky charms.

    Poppy, he nicknamed himself that!

    BPR, here. :boobs:

    Hilly, I’d say in her favor.

    TMP, Hardballs, with Adam Avitable.

    Hello, I think Britt could get the gay vote, too.

    Britt, you’d be my veep!

    MyWeeWorld, not Fox, that’s for sure.

    Amy, so you’re one of those apathetic people Britt’s going on about.

    Charissa, we already had Miss Piggy as a First Lady – she was based on LBJ’s wife.

  9. So one of these will be president? I really can’t get over how jealous I am that you get rid of your turnip before we get rid of ours! It’s just not fair! No, wait, you’ve has ‘Skippy McDumbass’ (still my favourite description of him for 8 years; we’ve had ours for 7 months.

    Thank you for telling me about Hillary – she was the only one I hadn’t heard of.

  10. Definitely do one of you running for president. Possibly all of them, including yourself, so we can make some informed decisions!!!
    Please give me a job in your oval office (I said office – not orifice!) when you’re president!
    I am so loyal.
    Then again, Britt rocks.
    Anyway – awesome post. Again. πŸ™‚

  11. I was told that Hillary was married to Dennis at the same time he was banging Carmen Electra… Supposedly there are sex video’s of the 3 of them circulating… Do you by any chance have access to those?

    Just asking…

  12. Turnbaby, it’s all true. Or so I heard somewhere.

    RW, so you’ve only got one thing in common with him.

    Britt, I’m leaving you my balls in my will, too.

    Metalmom, it’s what’s for dinner.

    Bec, nobody’s ever heard of Hillary.

    Sybil, I’d rather give you a job on my oval orifice.

    Beth, I see that.

    BPR, there’s no boobs there either, though!

    Topncal, sweet. If I start getting support now, in 2012, this could be a reality.

    DB, I did, but they made me go blind.

    Absurdist, I just explained that!

    Sarcastica, exactly. Gorillas get fucked in the US.

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