Yesterday I took a well-reasoned, educated look at the candidates for the Republican primary. Today, I take on the Democrats!
Hillary Rodman Clinton, formerly married to basketball legend Dennis Rodman, has stayed out of the public spotlight for almost her entire career. Almost nothing is known about her or her background, and most Americans are unaware of her candidacy. In fact, outside of her former home state of Arkansas, where she was known for being a warm homemaker, raising her large family, and baking cookies for the neighbors while participating in church events, most people assumed by her name that she was related to P-Funk headliner George Clinton.
John Edwards knew from age 6 that he was going to be a plaintiff's lawyer, when he successfully sued his mother for $2.6 million after she made him eat goulash that she had prepared for dinner. From that point forward, he has sued pool companies, hospitals, dogs, corporations, foreign governments and, in one distinguished case, a slice of pizza. His legal career has resulted in verdicts totalling $400 kazillion, of which he has received 1/3, plus his expenses. As a result, he owns most of the state of North Carolina and part of the moon. He's been known to say that if he doesn't win the primary this time, he's got a subpoena for every man, woman, and child in North America.
Mike Gravel is from Alaska and his real name is Maurice.
Dennis O'Kucinich started off life as a leprechaun, but after being caught by a Ohio businessman traveling through Ireland, he relinquished his pot of gold and decided to embark on a career in politics. He went missing for several years and was later found stuck in the butt cheeks of Ted Kennedy. Reflecting on his years in ass-crack hell, O'Kucinich has called for the abolition of all nuclear weapons and all Taco Bells. While his chances in the primaries seem slim, his biggest supporters seem to be the Keebler Elves, the Lollipop Guild, other leprechauns, and people who don't mind someone who waffles on abortion.
Barack "Pork" Obama got his nickname not because he used to be Muslim before he decided to run for President, but because he chooses to call himself "The Other White Meat". He is an excellent public speaker and once managed to speak on important issues for over four hours without actually saying anything substantive or offering any true opinions on any subject. In 2005, he was listed as one of 10 people who could change the world. In 2007, he was listed as one of 10 people who frequently changes his socks. Little known fact - his parents almost named him Barack Satan Obama but decided that they'd go with a more innocuous name.
And now, before my CSPAN career is launched as a political pundit, here are some more of my oh-so important opinions:
By overall appeal (highest to lowest):
1. Obama
2. Edwards
3. Clinton
4. Gravel
5. Kucinich
By number of gay and/or black friends (most to least):
1. Clinton
2. Kucinich
3. Gravel
4. Edwards
5. Obama
After reading about all of the contenders, I'm thinking of doing a write-in campaign for either Kermit the Frog, Superman, or myself.
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Damn I thought Dennis Kucinich looked all innocent, like a house elf. Who knew he was evil enough to want to abolish taco bell? Who cares about Ted Kennedy's ass, I just want my nachos bell grande.
Comments by Amanda
I'm thinkin' Kermit isn't a bad choice!
Comments by Sheila
dammit Avitable! You promised me boobies!
Comments by bluepaintred
Ummm... Superman is just a comic book character... but I would totally vote for Kermit!
And maybe you. It depends on what -ahem- position you will assign me in the Avitable White House.
Okay, I take that back... I really don't want to know.
Comments by Dave2
I'm completely ignorant when it comes to politics, and here, you went and summed it up for me in two posts. You must be a friggin' political genius.
Comments by mixednut
Obviously Hillary must have sent you some of her wonderful cookies, otherwise how would you have known about her amazing baking skills?
Comments by Trishk
You ranked Obama as number one on your list.
All is forgiven.
Comments by Miss Britt
"...the other white meat..."
Yeah. I snorted.
Comments by NYCWD
The other white meat.
that is perfect.
Comments by Crys
Amanda, he's against all types of bombs, including fart bombs caused by Nachos Bell Grande.
Sheila, then we'd at least know we had a puppet in charge.
BPR, look again - they're all boobs!
Dave, you'd head the TSA, which would start regulating airport behavior among passengers.
Mixednut, I'm like the whole McLaughlin Group rolled up into one gorilla package.
Trish, I've got the inside track.
Britt, you mean, if I hadn't, I would be in trouble for something?
NYCWD, I endorse this snorting.
Crystal, if it makes you har, that's all that matters.
Comments by Avitable
OK that's Mike Gravel. Now I wish I could figure out who the hell he is and why he keeps coming up high on the list when I take those stupid "who is your candidate" quizzes. He looks kind of goofy.
Comments by RW
Dude, I'm down with Superman. As long as his running mate is Wonder Woman or Buffy, I'm down with that!
Hillary isn't George Clinton's ex? I'm disappointed...
Comments by Coal Miner's Granddaughter
RW, that's a good question. He's about 100 years old and is falling apart physically and financially. He believes in "Direct Democracy".
CMG, Buffy as a Veep. I'm down with that.
Comments by Avitable
Oh OK. We're a lot alike then. Two out of three ain't bad.
Comments by RW
I think I'd vote for a leprechaun.
Comments by Robin
This post is asstastic.
I cannot believe you nicknamed Obama "Pork". You truly are the devil.
Comments by Poppy
*pout*
Comments by bluepaintred
You know, "Rodman" shares my exact first name and my initials. So that's either to her favor or detriment ;).
Comments by Hilly
You made the election hilarious. Much better than the reporters.
I think you found your new calling.
Comments by themuttprincess
avitable for president? yes, please! i would totally vote for you. who is your running mate...britt (for the female vote), fabby (for the gay vote) or jester (for the gay vote)?
Comments by hellohahanarf
Avi for president?
Holy hell I think I'm having a stroke at the very idea.
Comments by Miss Britt
Well, if you don't win President, you could at least get your own tv show. That would be fun. The question is, what channel would you be on?
Comments by MyWeeWorld
Uh....
Yeah, I've got nothin'
Happy Freakin' Friday.
Comments by Amy
I can't tell you how much I was looking forward to today's post. The funniest look at the candidates I've seen in a while.
But come on, if Kermit is president, that makes first lady Miss Piggy...and we REALLY don't need that. Superman...now you're talking!
Comments by Charissa
Take your pick. I'm multi-personalitous today.
Brown-nosing comment: "You had me at 'ass'"
Polite comment: "Nice review, although I think you missed touching on some of the important issues we must face as a nation."
Truthful comment: "I was expecting something a lot nastier, but it was still funny enough to finish reading and dare I say - even enjoy."
Harsh comment: "This post sucked more ass than Oprah's liposuction technician".
Comments by Wayne
RW, you're not 100.
Robin, but they'll be paranoid and think we're always after their lucky charms.
Poppy, he nicknamed himself that!
BPR, here. :boobs:
Hilly, I'd say in her favor.
TMP, Hardballs, with Adam Avitable.
Hello, I think Britt could get the gay vote, too.
Britt, you'd be my veep!
MyWeeWorld, not Fox, that's for sure.
Amy, so you're one of those apathetic people Britt's going on about.
Charissa, we already had Miss Piggy as a First Lady - she was based on LBJ's wife.
Comments by Avitable
Wayne, well, I'm more likely to be nicer to the Democrats, since I am one.
Comments by Avitable
Well, OK, I guess.
But then you should know I'm going to plan your assassination.
Comments by Miss Britt
You know...I hadn't thought of that. Hrmmmm...
Comments by Robin
And will you do Libertarians?
Wait — I should rephrase, given how you are likely to interpret the question...
Comments by Wayne
Britt, well, you're doing that already, so it might as well be for a better reason.
Robin, that's why I'm here. To think through these things.
Wayne, only in the butt.
Comments by Avitable
I must admit that I literally spewed water on the iMac at "the other white meat"
Comments by Turnbaby
Damn straight.
Comments by RW
I think getting a chunk of your life insurance is already a good reason. But whatever, I'll take whatever you'll leave me. I mean give me.
Comments by Miss Britt
The other white meat!!
Comments by metalmom
So one of these will be president? I really can't get over how jealous I am that you get rid of your turnip before we get rid of ours! It's just not fair! No, wait, you've has 'Skippy McDumbass' (still my favourite description of him for 8 years; we've had ours for 7 months.
Thank you for telling me about Hillary - she was the only one I hadn't heard of.
Comments by Bec
Definitely do one of you running for president. Possibly all of them, including yourself, so we can make some informed decisions!!!
Please give me a job in your oval office (I said office - not orifice!) when you're president!
I am so loyal.
Then again, Britt rocks.
Hmmm...
Anyway - awesome post. Again. :)
Comments by Sybil Law
Rawr.
So, I got a new blog. :)
Comments by Beth
Now this is how I like MY politics!
http://lolpresident.com/
Comments by bluepaintred
Avitable: You can have my write in vote :-)
Comments by Topncal
I was told that Hillary was married to Dennis at the same time he was banging Carmen Electra... Supposedly there are sex video's of the 3 of them circulating... Do you by any chance have access to those?
Just asking...
Comments by DutchBitch
Who the fuck are these guys?
4. Gravel
5. Kucinich
Comments by The Absurdist
You should run for president. It would make the country more diverse and maybe people would finally see the gorilla people's side of things.
Comments by Sarcastica
Turnbaby, it's all true. Or so I heard somewhere.
RW, so you've only got one thing in common with him.
Britt, I'm leaving you my balls in my will, too.
Metalmom, it's what's for dinner.
Bec, nobody's ever heard of Hillary.
Sybil, I'd rather give you a job on my oval orifice.
Beth, I see that.
BPR, there's no boobs there either, though!
Topncal, sweet. If I start getting support now, in 2012, this could be a reality.
DB, I did, but they made me go blind.
Absurdist, I just explained that!
Sarcastica, exactly. Gorillas get fucked in the US.
Comments by Avitable
Pfft, nice try. I'm not bringing those things to the reading of the will! I'd hate for your real wife to try to stake a claim to them or something.
Comments by Miss Britt