Where did you kiss the last person you kissed the very first time you kissed them?
On their lips.

What's the greatest thing that happened to you today?
My cheeseburger had an extra slice of bacon on it.

How many TRUE best friends do you have?
None. They're all fake or on the payroll.

Would you rather get up early or sleep in?
Whichever results in not peeing the bed.

Tell me about the shirt you're wearing?
It was born in 2004 in a cotton field outside of Topeka. Inspector Number 3 took good care of it, and I will treasure it always or until it doesn't fit anymore.

What would you change about your life right now?
I would be driving a flying car.

Would you rather smile over a lie or cry over the truth?
Cough loudly over a fart.

What's on your bedroom floor right now?
Carpet

Who's the last person you got into a argument with?
I didn't want fries with that!

Do you trust people?
Only on odd Thursdays.

If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move?
About three feet to the left.

My favorite number?
One million.

Could you go a day without eating?
I'd just blend a lot.

Do you like anybody right now?
Conan O'Brien

When was the last time you had your hair cut?
Which one?

Would you rather be mad or sad?
Both can be cured easily by crotch punching. One will make you laugh and one will make you feel better.

Does it take a lot to make you cry?
Being punched in the crotch.

What's the best feeling in the world?
Not being punched in the crotch.

Are you close with your mom?
Only in a non-sexual way.

Do you tell your parents everything?
It's on a need-to-know basis.

Name one fear you have.
That I'll die without ever singing opera at the New York Met.

Does the thought of marriage scare you?
Only if I was going to marry a zombie vampire ghost.

How many kids do you want?
Less than forty.

What's your favorite color to wear?
Whatever complements my testicles well.

Which one of your friends was last in your bedroom?
My very good ones.

Would you rather be rich & sad or poor & happy?
Moderately wealthy and bemused.

Do you get bored easily?
Only if the drill is made of metal.

What's something that someone can do that really bothers you?
Eat feces and then vomit it up in someone else's mouth.

When you go to the beach do you swim or lay out more?
The volunteers usually roll me back into the water to encourage me to join my pod.

Who's the last text message you received from and what did it say?
From a guy throwing something at me, and it said, "Duck".

What are you freakishly obsessed with?
Golden retriever porn

Last person you had a deep and meaningful convo with?
I don't know, but they didn't use the word "convo".

Where was the last place you went?
In the toilet.

If you could be with your first love, would you?
Only if chocolate will have me.

Are you ticklish?
My kidney is.

Have you ever worn a crown?
For three weeks I thought I was a rooster.

Last time you saw fireworks?
New Year's Eve. When I hit my head.

Do you have a little black dress?
No, only the panties to match.

What were you doing at 12 AM last night?
Trying to sneeze with my eyes open.

What was the last thing you ever got grounded for?
Stealing the neighbor's children and selling them into white slavery.

What was your childhood nickname?
Ahmoo.

Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet?
It's flat?

Do you crack your knuckles?
Only before arm wrestling to '80s hit songs.

What is your favorite Disney character?
One of the dwarves. Horny.

Generally, in life, what makes you happy?
Not being sad.

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