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History lesson

Ask anyone in their fifties. They’ll all tell you that the world is a different place than it was when they were growing up. There’s more violence, corruption is widespread, we all have the attention spans of microwaves, and people care more about celebrities and athletes than politicians and real life. After hours of research and days of sifting through old newspapers, I have a theory.

This downward spiral in our society started on one date. One date that started the whole trend of corruption, manipulation, cynicism and ball-wrangling. That date, of course, is January 17th, 1980. You don’t believe me? Allow me to share with you the fruits of my labor – a timeline chronicling the destruction of society:

January 17, 1980: Miss Britt is born. Fourteen people go into a hypnotic trance and purchase every shoe within a 5-mile radius of the hospital.

January 17, 1981: Ferdinand Marcos lifted martial law over the Philippines. Imelda Marcos bought more shoes.

January 17, 1982: “Cold Sunday”. Cities in the United States, including Chicago, see the lowest temperatures they have ever experienced in over 100 years.

January 17, 1983: Kenny Rogers wins an American Music Award. Bearded retards everywhere riot.

January 17, 1984: NYPD starts Operation Pressure Point, a clampdown of the Lower East Side and East Village of New York City. No word is heard from the Village People.

January 17, 1985: Spock gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Trekkies everywhere riot.

January 17, 1986: “Heathcliff: The Movie” opens. Twenty years later, “Garfield” finally tries again. The world is still not ready for an animated cat movie.

January 17, 1987: President Ronald Reagan signs order allowing covert sale of arms to Iran. When he asks his advisors where Iran is, they say “Iran – so far away.” Flock of Seagulls demands royalties.

January 17, 1988: “Three Men and a Baby” grosses over $100 million, giving Steve Guttenberg false hope that his career has a chance.

January 17, 1989: School shootings start with the Stockton massacre. Nobody sues the school, the gun manufacturer, or other random defendants.

January 17, 1990: Kid Rock survives to his 18th birthday. Collectively, the world shudders.

January 17, 1991: The Gulf War: Operation Desert Storm begins. Experts predict a quick and easy solution to all of the troubles in the Middle East.

January 17, 1992: Danielle Torres wins $88,865 in prizes on The Price is Right, holding the record for the highest amount won in the game’s 18-year history. Ivory soap stock soars.

January 17, 1993: “The Way Things Ought to Be”, by Rush Limbaugh, hits #1 on the New York Times Best Sellers list. The sound of 250 million hands slapping their respective foreheads echoes for three months.

January 17, 1994: A devastating earthquake of magnitude 6.7 hits Northridge, California. Strip malls will never be the same.

January 17, 1995: An earthquake nearly destroys Kobe, Japan, achieving magnitude 7.3. Nobody blames Godzilla.

January 17, 1996: Miss Britt gets her driver’s license. Use of public transportation nationwide immediately rises.

January 17, 1997: A court in Ireland grants the first divorce in the country’s history. Alcohol is found to be a factor.

January 17, 1998: President Clinton becomes the first sitting US president to testify as a defendant in a civil or criminal suit. He is also the first to refer to plaintiff Paula Jones as a “two-bagger”.

January 17, 1999: Scrabble tile manufacturing is closed in the United States and relocated to Shanghai. The game is further changed with all “L” tiles being replaced with “R”.

January 17, 2000: Glaxo Wellcome and SmithKline Beecham merge into pharmaceutical conglomerate GlaxoSmithKline. Aspirin reaches $3.20 a gallon.

January 17, 2001: Miss Britt turns 21. Alcohol and condom sales skyrocket.

January 17, 2002: Mount Nyiragongo, a previously dormant volcano, erupts in the Congo. There are no white people involved, so the US doesn’t notice.

January 17, 2003: Tom Ridge is recommended to be confirmed as the head of Homeland Security. The world feels a great disturbance, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

January 17, 2004: “Napoleon Dynamite” opens. “Gosh” becomes en vogue again.

January 17, 2005: Zhao Ziyang, the Premier of China, dies. Communism continues, strong as ever.

January 17, 2006: Benjamin Franklin turns 300. His zombie body is still chained underneath the Library of Congress

January 17, 2007: Doomsday Clock is set to 5 minutes to midnight in response to North Korea’s nuclear testing. Party Clock set to 12:14.

January 17, 2008: Britt turns 28. Large bearded gorilla found beat to death with a shoe and a vodka bottle lodged firmly in his rectal cavity.

As you can see, all of the evidence clearly points to Miss Britt as the sole reason for the decline of our society. Take a minute today and head over there to wish her a happy birthday and tell her that you blame her!

Happy birthday, Britt!

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(Also, go wish KG a happy birthday, too. She’s almost 50! Well, close enough.)

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40 Replies to “History lesson”

  1. Dee

    *snort* Iran – so far away. Favourite quote of the night :batting:

    You’re a good friend for doing this much research. My husband wouldn’t even look up the year I was born to find out what song was number one… Me and Mrs Jones by Billy Paul, if you’re interested. What sort of song is that?! I don’t even know it. Although given the UK charts was My Ding-a-Ling, a classic if ever I’ve heard one, I’d prefer the anonymity. No idea that I’d become the karaoke queen based on those selections…

    Where was I? Oh yes, Happy Birthday Miss Britt!

  2. NYCWD

    It’s taken 9 years for me to figure out why I can no longer spell Lollipop in wooden scrabble tiles.

    I owe it all to you. Thank you!!!

    Errr… and kinda because of Britt who kinda inspired this post… so yeah… I guess I should thank her too.

    Nah.

  3. Avitable

    Britt, yup. Now can you fix some of this shit here?

    Amanda, nor Steve Guttenberg humor, I’m sure.

    Hilly, boy, you’re old!

    Sybil, it’s all true.

    Tori, just a pre-amble to her showing her boobs, like usual.

    BPR, you would be correct!

    Jay, Reagan might have had some culpability.

    Turnbaby, really? All of you old folks up in here!

    Dee, it did take me a few hours to come up with something for every year. And My Ding-a-Ling is indeed a classic.

    HG5, it is a great picture.

    NYCWD, I’m glad someone got that one – wasn’t sure if people would.

  4. Avitable

    Metalmom, it is a good picture, isn’t it?

    CMG, thanks for suggesting the reprieve.

    Britt, ha! I’m so special, my credit card begins with a 9!

    Turnbaby, good point. I think I’m 3.8 seconds old.

    MyWeeWorld, thanks!

    Robin, now she’s just masturbating with her new iPhone.

    Amanda, I do remember that scene – it’s pretty funny!

    Y2K, yeeeeaahhhhh.

  5. Gwen

    Sign I’ve been coming here too much… Last night in my dream, for no reason at all and completely out of no where, Adam walked in. Announced “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Britt!”. Britt walked in. Pulled the pose in that picture. And they both left without comment or explanation.
    I think there is something wrong with me.

  6. Avitable

    Amy, thanks – I spent about three hours on it.

    Gwen, so you dream about me now, eh?

    Bossy, you’re cute, though, so it’s okay that you’re old.

    TMP, I’m here to educate.

    RW, I was two years off of a bottle.

    DB, it’s true.

  7. Poppy

    Very sorry so late to the party, busy day at work but at least I went to Britt’s and wished her happy birthday!

    Avi, you are sooooo trying to get on her good side. And you might have actually succeeded…?

    Happy birthday, again, sweetie.

  8. Y2k Survivor

    Please add to your list:

    January 17, 2008. The day the DOW fell over 300 points and caused the Greater Depression.

    THANKS A LOT BRITT! sheeesh, What do you think she will do on her 30th…. cause the death of all first born children that sleep in houses without the protective mark of “Shoe Sale” in the window?

    OH yeah, and Happy Birthday B

  9. Avitable

    Poppy, as long as that doesn’t happen NEXT WEEK too!

    Mrs. RW, I took the picture, and I think it was the first good picture she’s ever had taken of her because her camera was such a piece of shit.

    Jeff, oh, do you have boobs?

    Y2K, you’re right! She is a bad omen.

    Sarah is Ok, thanks for the visit and comment!

    Beth, I’m about three feet taller than her, so that’s probably why. And I will keep my presents to myself!

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