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AvitaWeek 2008: MLK who?

As you might have noticed from the header (if not, reload the page), this is AvitaWeek 2008. I plan on shamelessly celebrating my 31st birthday all week long and soliciting presents, cards, and well wishes. I’m even going to keep posting links to my wishlists!

To kick off the week, since today is also Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, I’ve decided to demonstrate just how alike the good Reverend and I are.

Martin Luther King, Jr. . . Adam Heath Avitable . . .
Had his name mistakenly recorded as “Michael King” on his birth certificate until 1934. Had his name recorded as “Alana Avitable” on his birth certificate until the surgery in 1983.
Founded the Southern Christian Leadership Conference, a group created to harness the moral authority and organizing power of black churches to conduct non-violent protests in the service of civil rights reform. Founded the Church of Holy Avitableness, a group created to harness immoral women and organize them into a black hole of violence, profanity, and pornography.
Was inspired by meeting Mahatma Gandhi in India. Was aroused by watching Meg Ryan in The Doors.
Caused fear in the US government to such a degree that the FBI tapped his phones for six years. Caused fear in women to such a degree that he only touched himself for twenty-one years.
Led the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom. Led the March on Hollywood to Renew Veronica Mars.
Spoke strongly against the United States’ role in the Vietnam War, turning the media against him. Compared himself with a famous assasinated black leader, turning the blogosphere against him.
Was shot by an assassin’s bullet in a hotel in Memphis in 1968. Dodged a bullet by not ordering oysters in a restaurant in Memphis in 2001.

With apologies to Martin Luther King, Jr. Because I have a fuckin’ dream too.

I have a dream that one day long pants will be outlawed, and only outlaws will wear long pants.

I have a dream that one day from the golden arches of McDonald’s, the food will contain no calories but still retain their greasy deliciousness.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Florida, a state sweltering with the fucking humidity, oppressed with blue-haired drivers, will be transformed into an air-conditioned oasis of freedom from slow driving.

I have a dream that the four hundred children I have scattered over this earth will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the gorilla hair on their back but by the content of their character and the size of their huge penii.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day every vagina shall be exalted, and every breast shall be made perfect, the rough places will be made smooth, and the crooked penii will be made straight; and orgasms shall flow like the river.

This is our hope, and this is the faith that I sleep nightly with.

With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a cock of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of boobs and sex. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to mutually masturbate together, to grope together, to go to jail together, to stand up with an erection together, knowing that we will all be naked one day.

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47 Replies to “AvitaWeek 2008: MLK who?”

  1. HoosierGirl

    That borders on sacreligous (sp?), but it was hysterical.

    By the way, I am SO glad I checked your Amazon wish list: I didn’t know they had “The Ultimate Board Game Collection” for the Wii. That looks cool for me. And my youngest’s 8th birthday is coming up – I think he would love the Star Wars Wii game. We have the Wii Charge Station and Daniel (my 13 yr. old) loves it. And I did NOT know John Grisham had a new book coming out. I can’t wait.

    Wait a minute, was I supposed to get something for YOU? ๐Ÿ˜›

    J.

  2. Allyson

    Avi, I would’ve bought you stuff, but I missed Britt’s birthdy, and, um, well I’ll just say it, I like her better. But I think this post is great, and maybe next year I’ll get you something. Oh and it would help if you buy me something for my birthday. Which is in June. Giving you plenty of time to let your feelings for me mature.

  3. Avitable

    Amanda, it already happened. We failed.

    Tori, well, it’s not a trickling one.

    Mr. Fabulous, I agree wholeheartedly.

    Britt, only in my pants.

    Turnbaby, gorillas transcend race.

    Robin, amen.

    HG, yeah, your kids have enough – you should buy ME stuff.

    RW, I have that dream, too. Except we’re naked.

    CMG, it’s not gutsy. It’s not like I was denigrating MLK, only the day in his honor.

    Jay, maybe I should compare myself to Jesus next.

    TMP, and trucking.

    Poppy, went where? Did you read the comparisons? And why is it my fault?

    Allyson, you like HER better? I’m way awesomer. I’m like an actual girlfriend – she’s like that bitchy woman that no other women like.

  4. Summer

    I have something in common with MLK,my birth certificate was wrong too. For my first name they put down my father’s middle name plus they checked the box for male. I have paperwork that is stapled to my birth certificate correcting those mistakes. It sure is funny at the border when customs looks at it. With my shape there is no way I was ever a male! BTW, what day was the world changed forever?

  5. Mike

    Wait a minute:

    Bearded? Check. Wears short pants all the time? Check. Eats 8 meals a day? Check. Likes to walk Barefeet? Check. Likes to throw extravagant parties? Check. Dances? Check.

    I thought you were a Hobbit.

    Everybody knows Hobbits don’t get presents, they GIVE presents on their birthdays. Where’s mine?

    Happy Birthday!

  6. Poppy

    Went to the comparing of yourself to This Great Man. (But, you know I’m kidding…) I did read the comparison, yes. I thought they were funny, but I write you the comments that pop into my head. You’re a fucking genius — better? And you’ll see why it’s your fault. ๐Ÿ˜›

  7. Avitable

    Britt, I still love you, though.

    BPR, is it the moustache combined with the hat?

    Summer, is this what you tell people when they ask about your scar “down there”?

    Mike, I hate hobbits!

    Poppy, much better.

    Amy, of course I did. I’m a dedicated blogger.

  8. Avitable

    Jason, of pain? Or happiness? Either way, I’m cool.

    Mike, they only like me when I drop the soap.

    Tracy, aren’t everyone’s?

    TMP, naturally.

    Sarah is OK, thanks for the visit and comment. And my socks rock.

    Cheri, wait for four more days, k?

    Kira, I’m glad you weren’t offended!

  9. Y2k Survivor

    OK I will join you and proudly stand naked by your side with my newly straightened erection… just a few months after the hamburgers without calories kick into effect.

    Oh yeah and as far as gifts: Fuck you you fucking fuck you wont even add me to your blog roll. Instead I plan on follwoing your lead at Christmas and dropping some Green Giant produce into the dirt of my back yard so you will have…

    wait for it….

    wait for it….

    Waitttttttttttt for it….

    PEAS ON EARTH!!!

  10. Avitable

    MyWeeWorld, I’m a man. Every orgasm is a perfect one.

    Y2K, you’re on my blogroll! I just haven’t updated the one on the site – I have you in my feedreader.

    Blondeblogger, it is a little bit like watching a train wreck very slowly.

    Bec, after you reach 30, the age just doesn’t matter anymore. I’m ancient. Sigh.

  11. Y2k Survivor

    Ohhhhhh YOUR the one that’s been going to my blog? Sorry I threw one of my favorite Clerks quotes at you… but then again, you’re the only person I (kind of) know that gets any Keven Smith joke. I guess now I’ll have to use the FU quote on my Mom… I thought SHE was the one reading my blog.

  12. Avitable

    Stephanie, I’m a trendsetter, what can I say?

    Y2K, that was a good reference, although I think someone must have said that before Kevin Smith did.

    Schad, we could be like brothers. Not “brother” brothers, but . . . you know what I mean.

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