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AvitaWeek 2008: Now you talk

It’s Day 3 of AvitaWeek 2008, counting down to my 31st birthday (which is on the 26th, but we’ll be celebrating on Friday instead). As always, you are encouraged to send me cards and beaucoup gifts. You can even see what I like on my wishlists!

Before we kick off today’s post, I wanted to give a shout out to a birthday girl today – the hot, eloquent, and saucy yet demure Nina! She discovered this blog during NaNoWhoKnew, and I found her blog to be awesome and hilarious and smart. In fact, she’s one of my favorite new blogs. Take a quick trip and wish this smokin’ hot English teacher a happy birthday. I’ll wait here.

Okay, done? Let’s move on.

As I’ve said, this week is supposed to be all about Avitable. My ego is so huge that it has its own zip code, but it can always get bigger. Today, instead of coming up with something about myself (especially after yesterday’s intimate look), I’ve decided that it’s your turn!

Another one of my favorite new bloggers, Dan (who I gave a lashing to when I reviewed his blog last year), had a great idea about gathering testimonials about himself from readers that would subsequently be posted in his “About” section. Some were tongue-in-cheek, some were straightforward, but it was pretty fun.

On Dan’s post, he says:

Seeing as though the comments on this blog are usually far more entertaining than the actual posts I thought that approach might work here too. I must point out that I’m not fishing for compliments; insults, name calling and general slander are encouraged too. You can write anything you want and I’ll publish it verbatim (within reason).

For me, of course, it’s the opposite. My posts are far more entertaining than any of your comments, but here’s your chance to finally have a comment that outshines the general awesomeness of my post! I’m also not fishing for compliments – I’ll take anything I can get.

So, whether you’re one of my top commenters, my mother, a lurker, or someone in between, let’s hear it.


I hate to say that I have completely neglected another of my favorite bloggers, the redheaded menace with a spoon, Tracy! She turns 40 today and needs all types of good birthday wishes. So head over there and wish her a happy birthday too!

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57 Replies to “AvitaWeek 2008: Now you talk”

  1. Amy

    Ahh, what can be said about Avitable that hasn’t already been said? He’s a legend in his own mind, he drives in the nude, and has a strange affinity for Avril Lavigne that can only be rivaled by that of a 13 year old girl, scratch that. Truth be told, he’d eat 3 13 year old girls while stomping on 6 more to get tickets to an Avril concert.

    The man is an enigma. And… if he says a video is bad, for the love of all that is good and decent, don’t watch it.

  2. Clown

    Being in the hospital and away from all of my family was a bit depressing. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you enough for all the time you spent visiting and just keeping me company when the closest thing to a friendly face was a nurse. I know I wasn’t always in the best of moods but know that your time was always appreciated. Thanks again.

  3. jester

    In the deepest recesses of your brain, where it’s dark and creepy and the most demented, perverted thoughts are shared by the demons that keep you pacing a bare spot in your bedroom carpeting at 3am when you should be sleeping, you will find a naked hairy gorilla of a man frolicking with a pre-operative 12-year-old transexual with a penchant for bestiality.

    That’s Avitable.

  4. HoosierGirl

    Okay, I’m not clever enough to write something funny….

    Adam is the funniest guy I know to say “hey fuckers” at the beginning of his video posts and still make me laugh. Surprisingly, he also appears older than he is, which would imply some level of maturity….. 😛

    He cracks me up.


  5. NYCWD

    First Draft

    All you illiterate people who come here to for the stick figure drawings… Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, children of all ages…

    The biggest sickest wacko spreading animal porn to hit the Internet since all of AOL… The larger than life in both the electronic realm and the real world…

    Thankfully there’s only one… The one… the only… A damn vital part of the underbelly of society… Adam Aveetable!!!!!

  6. Just Me

    I have to…and I mean HAVE to read your blog, Amy’s blog, and Britt’s blog before I start my day. You three are hilarious and I love your writing!

    Just me….lurking again.

  7. Y2k Survivor

    A beacon to the perverse, a lifeline to drunken gutter sluts, and a warm embrace for innocent 13 year old girls who wander too far from their mothers. Avitable is a daily read that is best enjoyed through the spread fingered peepholes in the hands used to cover your eyes. Enjoy!

  8. Nina

    When I need a link to dolphin porn or scat-fetish puke videos, Adam is my most trusted friend. The other 366 days a year, he provides an excellent target for ill-advised and slightly porny knitting projects I will take way too long to complete, plus he is nice to me and writes funny things. The end.

    (And thank you for the birthday wishes).

  9. themuttprincess

    Avitable, Avitable, Avitable….. So much to say about you, I will limit it though:

    You write things that others only dream of(even though they are technically nightmares), you dance like no one is watching (even though they are), you eat like a princess (which is so damn cute!), you probably own a bigger stake in Diet Coke than the President of the company (not that they really care about the product…), you have a unhealthy love of teen-bop shit (something that makes me cringe just writting this) and lastly you eat your weight in birthday cake each year (which, as I understand it, is not an easy feat.)

    In spite of all those things (which are 100% true), there is still a great person underneath all that gorilla fuzz.

  10. Avitable

    Britt, I can masturbate AND save someone at the same time, thankyouverymuch.

    Amanda, kind of a pervert? I work hard to be a professional pervert.

    Amy, you’ve exposed my teenocidal tendencies.

    Karen, frogs fascinate you?

    Dave, I was wondering where your comment was yesterday. I figured you were too busy masturbating all day to the pictures.

    Clown, I’m just glad the sex-change operation went okay.

    Dee, you can pee with your eyes covered, right?

    Wonderer, lurking be damned. Commenting is where the fun is.

    Jester, no, that’s amore.

    Zom, remember to stir before microwaving.

    Poppy, :hug:

    Fabulous, don’t you forget it.

    HG, awww, I’m getting misty.

    NYCWD, you’re the best emcee ever.

    Jeff, I just think of it as expanding everyone’s horizons and desensitizing them horribly.

    Just Me, thanks for the comment!

    Y2K, that makes me sound creepy. The girls have to be at least 16. 15, tops. Okay, maybe 14.

    Angel, wanna see?

    Nina, happy birthday!

    TMP, that reminds me. I need to go buy a birthday cake today.

  11. Coal Miner's Granddaughter

    Adam, what I have to say about you is this.

    I wish you lived in Atlanta or I lived in Orlando. I have met some of the coolest people through blogging. The fact that you have more comics and action figures than my own hubby speaks to me and I know we could hang. Your lust of Diet Coke is another something cool.

    You’re a really nice, quiet guy and I’m looking forward to getting to know you better in the future! Happy Up-coming Birthday!

  12. metalmom

    Adam is quite the cultural giver. Without him I wouldn’t have learned of the existence of “Two girls,One Cup” or Dolphin porn. (Both of which has enriched my life a hundredfold!) Without him, I’d never wake up screaming in the dead of night either!

  13. Trishk

    This is the one place where if Adam Avitable says watch this video at your own expense, you better trust him and not look at the video. If you distrust him and look you will be vomiting for the rest of the week. Trust him (if you are brave enough)

  14. Sybil Law

    Adam Avitable is a cockslapping monkeyfucker who likes to suck on wet dog fur. And then blog about it.
    No, really…
    Adam Avitable is a cockslapping monkeyfucker with a wicked sense of humor, razor sharp wit, oodles of creativity, and a depraved high intelligence.
    Read him at your own risk. Once you start, you can’t stop. He is oddly, sickly addicting.
    And very, very loved.

  15. Tracy Lynn

    Against my better judgment, I am very fond of the Gorilla Boy. He is funny, in that way that makes me throw up a little in my mouth, and thanks to his incessant posting of vile material, my stocks in the company that makes Brain Bleach just get more valuable by the day.

  16. Crys

    The thing about you is you’re sexy. Hairy and sexy. Hairy and sexy and sweet. You don’t like to admit the sweet part of course, but you are, and I have no doubt that if I were stranded at midnight on the side of some white trash road, you, Avitable, would come to save me.

    Of course you’d be wearing nothing more than a jockstrap and a smile, but that’s always good enough for me, honey. As long as you bring booze.


  17. Paticus

    Let me share this story with you all…It was ’95, I think. Avitable and I were on a walkabout in the Australian Outback(is there another Outback ? Better safe than sorry, I suppose) when we came upon a nest of rabid koalas.I was ready to turn tail and run, but Avitable noticed that the koalas had surrounded a basket of kittens, and he refused to leave without rescuing the poor things. So, he drew the koalas attention, while I grabbed the basket of kittens. He was mauled and raped by the koalas before I could fight them off, but it was worth it, we ate well that night. The kittens were delicious.

  18. Stephanie

    Adam Avitable is a quiet, unassuming man, shyly sitting in his little corner of the blogiverse, hands folded, with a sweet smile on his face, spreading joy, morality, and peace among his fans.
    (Of course, if you look closer, you realize he is quiet because his mouth is full of cake, his hands are folded around “something” :jerkoff2:, and the smile is a direct result of the video he is replaying in his mind. :2girls:
    Sick fucker.)
    Happy early Birthday, Gorilla Man!

  19. Avitable

    Lynda, you’re going to miss your chance to be memorialized as a testimonial!

    Robin, you spelled that wrong on purpose just to fuck with me, didn’t you?

    Sybil, mmmm, wet dog fur.

    Jay, hahahahahahha.

    Bossy, are you sure I’m not making you feel all flushed, too?

    Tracy, happy birthday!

    Hilly, I thought we talked about you not sharing the bad touching with other people?

    Crystal, who wears a jockstrap these days?

    Cheri, only three more days to go!

    DanjerusKurves, thanks for delurking.

    Paticus, it was consensual sex with the koalas.

    Just Me, what is this for? I’ll wait for payment vis a vis the picture before pimping.

    Bec, and the only way to molest one, too.

    Stephanie, your accuracy is unerring.

    Crazy Lady, did your first comment say cum belching, or did I imagine that?

    Clown, that’s what you get for not letting me see your vag.

    CP, rawr.

  20. borysSNORC ™

    Main Entry: avitaphile
    Part of Speech: noun
    Definition: one who gains personal satisfaction from participating in Avitableness whilst simultaneously experiencing disgust and self loathing for same.
    Etymology: from the latin ‘avita’, meaning ‘moist’ and ‘bleness’ meaning ‘crevice’

    Happy B’day!

  21. Avitable

    Kris, the answers are posted today.

    Sarcastica, only for gorilla aficionados.

    Cajunvegan, Hillary Duff kills kittens?

    RMB, from my moist crevice to yours!

    Randy Newman, I hate you.

    Dan, that fucker Randy Newman stole your identity. Better watch out!

  22. cat

    I love Adam! He’s the best boss I’ve ever had! Working with him was a one-of-a-kind experience. It’s the only office I’ve worked in where the guys were allowed to have pornographic screensavers (I suppose we gals were allowed, too, but nobody swung that way). And you don’t even want to know what went on after hours!

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