I'm not supposed to be here today.

Avitable asked his mom to write a post for him for his birthday. I think he was hoping he could capture some of the same magic I had on my birthday when my mom did a video post for me. Unfortunately, his mom was not up to the challenge (Which is not at all to insinuate that my mom loves me more than his mom loves him. Not at all.).

In an effort to soothe his poor wittel feelings, I agreed to step in as Avitable's mom for the day, because that's just the kind of friend I am.

I was trying to think what Avitable's mother might have said if she had been able to be here today. I wonder if she would have shared with us all the details of that magical day when she became a mom (like my mom did), remembering fondly the day the Avitable Legend really began.

Probably not.

Most likely, she would have used this day to lament all of the things she did wrong as a mother. Trust me, that's what we breeders do. And with a son like Adam, there's no doubt she has a long list of things that keep her up at night – wondering if she somehow could have done things differently, if it would have mattered.

Of course, I can't presume to speak officially for Mrs. Avitable, but I think it's safe to assume that she'd say…

I wish I had made his father hide the Hustlers better. All that nudity probably isn't good for a boy.

I should have been firmer when I found that silicone anus in his closet when he was 10. I figured it was a stage. The priest said it was probably nothing.

Speaking of which, I should have known better than to leave him alone with that guy.

I wonder if it would have made a difference if I had spent some time teaching him about the four food groups. I always assumed when he grew up he would naturally start eating grown up food.

I probably should have had a talk with him about those comics too. When he said he wasn't going to prom because there was a "convention" in town, that was probably a sign I shouldn't have ignored.

Although to be fair, it was just such a relief he wasn't trying to get special permission to take that Girl Scout again. God that was embarrassing. How do you explain to your friends that your 17 year old son is petitioning the school to be able to take a 12 year old girl to a dance?

And to think, I was so relieved to see him taking an interest in girls for once.

That joke about dressing him up in my clothes and telling him he was "mommy's little princess" really backfired.

He was my princess though. So cute too, in my hats and pearls. With the feathers and the jewels, you could almost forget he was covered in hair. God I remember how shocked I was to see so much hair on such a young boy.

*sigh* Yeah, I probably should have protected him from the pornography. And maybe I should have suppressed my disappointment that he wasn't a girl and nurtured the masculine side of him a little more. But he was my baby, hair and flamboyance and all.

And truth be told, he really still is.

Yeah, I think that's what she would have said.

Happy Birthday Avitable! And remember to join me as I co-host Mr. Fab's Big One Year Anniversary Show this weekend! (Sunday, 7pm EST, check local listings for details.)

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