Avitable » AvitaWeek 2008: A Message From Mother Avitable

I'm not supposed to be here today.

Avitable asked his mom to write a post for him for his birthday. I think he was hoping he could capture some of the same magic I had on my birthday when my mom did a video post for me. Unfortunately, his mom was not up to the challenge (Which is not at all to insinuate that my mom loves me more than his mom loves him. Not at all.).

In an effort to soothe his poor wittel feelings, I agreed to step in as Avitable's mom for the day, because that's just the kind of friend I am.

I was trying to think what Avitable's mother might have said if she had been able to be here today. I wonder if she would have shared with us all the details of that magical day when she became a mom (like my mom did), remembering fondly the day the Avitable Legend really began.

Probably not.

Most likely, she would have used this day to lament all of the things she did wrong as a mother. Trust me, that's what we breeders do. And with a son like Adam, there's no doubt she has a long list of things that keep her up at night - wondering if she somehow could have done things differently, if it would have mattered.

Of course, I can't presume to speak officially for Mrs. Avitable, but I think it's safe to assume that she'd say...

I wish I had made his father hide the Hustlers better. All that nudity probably isn't good for a boy.

I should have been firmer when I found that silicone anus in his closet when he was 10. I figured it was a stage. The priest said it was probably nothing.

Speaking of which, I should have known better than to leave him alone with that guy.

I wonder if it would have made a difference if I had spent some time teaching him about the four food groups. I always assumed when he grew up he would naturally start eating grown up food.

I probably should have had a talk with him about those comics too. When he said he wasn't going to prom because there was a "convention" in town, that was probably a sign I shouldn't have ignored.

Although to be fair, it was just such a relief he wasn't trying to get special permission to take that Girl Scout again. God that was embarrassing. How do you explain to your friends that your 17 year old son is petitioning the school to be able to take a 12 year old girl to a dance?

And to think, I was so relieved to see him taking an interest in girls for once.

That joke about dressing him up in my clothes and telling him he was "mommy's little princess" really backfired.

He was my princess though. So cute too, in my hats and pearls. With the feathers and the jewels, you could almost forget he was covered in hair. God I remember how shocked I was to see so much hair on such a young boy.

*sigh* Yeah, I probably should have protected him from the pornography. And maybe I should have suppressed my disappointment that he wasn't a girl and nurtured the masculine side of him a little more. But he was my baby, hair and flamboyance and all.

And truth be told, he really still is.

Yeah, I think that's what she would have said.

Happy Birthday Avitable! And remember to join me as I co-host Mr. Fab's Big One Year Anniversary Show this weekend! (Sunday, 7pm EST, check local listings for details.)

If you're new to the horrors of Avitable.com, don't miss out. Subscribe to my RSS feed!

What you're really trying to say is that Mother Avitable was too busy with her annual self-flagellating in an effort to absolve herself from the sins of bringing the obvious anti-christ in the world.

Or she's stone cold drunk.

Either way, thanks for stepping in. If I have a complaint about Avitable ~~teasing~~ ~~bullying~~ molesting my kid at school should I talk to you Britt?

Happy Birthday Fucker.

Comments by jester

comment by jester Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 12:11 am

Poor Adam, his mother doesn't love him.

This actually explains a lot.

Comments by Amanda

comment by Amanda Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 12:14 am

Really that sounds like a perfectly normal childhood to me.

Happy Birthday dude.

Comments by Jay

comment by Jay Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 12:15 am

Happy Birthday, Nutsack!!!! Mucho love to ya!

And... for my birthday this year, I would prefer that you did not razz me for being a year older than you. Instead, be grateful, had we both been born on the same day... well, the world might have just cracked in half, the universe even!!!

Happy Birthday!!!!

Comments by Amy

comment by Amy Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 12:26 am

Happy Birthday Adam!

Comments by Dee

comment by Dee Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 12:41 am

Happy Birthday Adam

Comments by Topncal

comment by Topncal Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 4:00 am

Wow...it's like you were really channeling her...

Comments by Mr. Fabulous

comment by Mr. Fabulous Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 6:06 am

Happy Birthday!

Comments by Peggy

comment by Peggy Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 7:41 am

Thanks, Mom 2!

I'm going to go put your clothes on and dance around the house to ABBA now.

Comments by Avitable

comment by Avitable Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 7:46 am

Adam, aren't you glad your Mom didn't say anything about the pupa husks?

Comments by RW

comment by RW Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 8:26 am

My favoritest part about this touching birthday post to Adam is that you plugged your own radio show at the end.

You. are. awesome.

Comments by Poppy

comment by Poppy Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 9:04 am

(And Adam's ok too.)

comment by Poppy Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 9:05 am

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Thank goodness you have Mom #2!

Comments by Hilly

comment by Hilly Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 9:14 am

Happy Birthday, Avi!

Comments by Allyson

comment by Allyson Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 9:26 am

Sincerely. Happy Birthday.

Comments by ADW

comment by ADW Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 9:34 am

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AVI! I WILL BE SENDING YOUR BIRTHDAY EMAIL PER AMY'S REQUEST TONITE! HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!!!!

ANd thanks...(read britts comments as to why)

Comments by Just Me

comment by Just Me Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 9:39 am

Happy birthday Adam.

Stay the hell away from my daughter.

Comments by Jeff

comment by Jeff Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 9:41 am

I guess I'm safe now that I'm 18 lmfao.

Happy Birthday Adam! Have a great one. Stay away from the school yard though! Distract yourself with bacon cheeseburgers (omg. I totally want a cheesburger now. Great).

Comments by Sarcastica

comment by Sarcastica Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 9:52 am

Happy Birthday!! Woo Hoo!! Enjoy your Diet Coke with Lime!!

I was really hoping for pictures of the "pretty princess"

Comments by Trishk

comment by Trishk Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 9:52 am

Happy Birthday to one of my fav bloggers! I hope it's a good one man!!!

Comments by Cheri

comment by Cheri Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 10:05 am

Britt, you did a fantastic job as his mother! You kept the list really short. I bet the REAL list as to where she went wrong would be closer to a novel.....

Comments by themuttprincess

comment by themuttprincess Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 10:07 am

Hahahahahahahahahahaha - perfect!
I would like to see some pictures, too!
Happy Birthday, Adam!!!!

Comments by Sybil Law

comment by Sybil Law Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 10:07 am

Hey Cocksucker! Happy Birthday! I'll think about your hairy balls all day! (Cool! The second time this week!)

Nice job Mom2!

Comments by metalmom

comment by metalmom Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 10:16 am

Happy Birthday!!!!!!!

The real deal is tomorrow, right?

I hope it's a great one. Enjoy!

Comments by Dawn

comment by Dawn Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 10:27 am

Happy birthday to the only guy whose testicle I've seen in adulthood. Oh wait, I saw my dad's accidentally when he was in the hospital 8 years ago. I'm still trying to forget it, as I am yours.

Comments by Karl

comment by Karl Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 10:32 am

I don't think the world was prepared for Avitable, not at all.

Happy Birthday, I'm waiting on all your wisdom about turning the big three O.

Comments by Robin

comment by Robin Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 10:42 am

Jester, she usually has to go to the Vatican every year on my birthday to ask for yet another year of forgiveness from the Pope.

Amanda, maybe I should have asked her earlier than last night at 7.

Jay, good to know we're two peas in a pod there.

Amy, happy birthday to you, too!

Dee, Topncal, Peggy, Allyson, ADW, Cheri, thanks!

Fab, it was uncanny.

RW, you'll never believe that I'm from this planet, will you?

Poppy, she's a whore like that.

Hilly, I know! Now only if she'd let me suckle . . .

Just Me, I will be looking for your email with great anticipation.

Jeff, I'll wait about 5-6 years first.

Sarcastica, ha! You just think you're safe.

Trish, those pictures have been destroyed.

TMP, maybe that's why my mother couldn't do it. There is a character limit for posts in Wordpress.

Sybil, my princess outfit is in storage.

Metalmom, that's why my balls are tingling.

Dawn, yeah, it's actually tomorrow, but for blog purposes, it's today!

Karl, awww, I'm special!

Robin, yeah, I'll have to work on that. When's your big day again?

comment by Avitable Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 11:03 am

Brit never fails to entertain.
Happy Birthday Avi. Have a great one!

Comments by J.

comment by J. Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 11:22 am

Hmm. I would defend her honor, but I know how much she appreciates the superlative. Everybody wins!

comment by Poppy Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 11:26 am

My gift to you (and everyone else I suppose) http://youporn.com the ~~worst~~ best amature porn the world has to offer.

Comments by tana

comment by tana Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 11:32 am

as one of your faithful minions, i come here today bearing tidings of great cheer and many celebratory intentions due to the simple fact that you have turned one year older!

Comments by Crys

comment by Crys Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 11:33 am

Mah Hah Hah! Avitable from this planet. HAHAHA.

yeah right...

comment by RW Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 11:40 am

Happy Birthday, darling. Have a cookie. *airkiss*

(Since tomorrow is your real birthday I am going to try to send people to you tomorrow, since you sent about three billion people to me on my birthday. Don't get too excited. I have fewer readers than you do and you already know them all).

Comments by Nina

comment by Nina Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 12:17 pm

Happy Birthday Punk. What are you? Like 12, now?

Comments by Karen Sugarpants

comment by Karen Sugarpants Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 12:26 pm

Does this mean AvitaWeek is FINALLY over? Damn, I NEVER thought we'd get to the end of it. All the ego stroking and self-love....so different from the other 51 weeks of the year

Seriously, though, Happy Birthday.

Comments by y not i

comment by y not i Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 1:27 pm

Exactly. That would suck to have a post be cut short due to limitations. That is a fair enough excuse!!!

comment by themuttprincess Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 1:58 pm

Gefeliciflapstaart!!!

Comments by DutchBitch

comment by DutchBitch Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 2:04 pm

And like I said to Amy: I must be going crazy... I thought your birthdays were tomorrow...

comment by DutchBitch Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 2:05 pm

Happy Birthday to You!
Happy Birthday to You!
Happy Birthday, Dear Avitable....
You smelly, hairy, monkey!
Happy Birthday to You!

Britt, excellent post, I can feel the love.
Mom Avitable, Diet Coke is a food group.
Adam Heath, hope you have a wonderful day!

Comments by Coal Miner's Granddaughter

comment by Coal Miner's Granddaughter Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 2:08 pm

J, she's especially entertaining on a stripper pole with nipple tassles.

Poppy, if the shoe fits . . .

Tana, awesome! Amateur porn is all I like. I hate professional shit.

Crystal, mutual co-worshippers sounds better than minion.

RW, nanoo.

Nina, thank you. I'm still waiting for my socks!

Karen, 13!

Y Not I, it's not over until Sunday. My weeks end on Sunday.

TMP, I thought so.

DB, is that a real word? And our birthdays are tomorrow, but we're celebrating early for blogwhorishness.

CMG, awww, thanks!

comment by Avitable Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 4:14 pm

Happy Early Birthday

Comments by Crazy Lady in Vegas

comment by Crazy Lady in Vegas Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 4:58 pm

I wonder if Avitable's actual Mom would have addressed the traumatic potty training years of his early to mid teens.... it might help us gain an understanding of why his carpet had those pee yellow stains we saw when he took pictures of his socks. ....just thinking.

Oh yeah... HAPPY Birthday!

Comments by Y2K Survivor

comment by Y2K Survivor Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 6:11 pm