Ask anyone in their fifties. They'll all tell you that the world is a different place than it was when they were growing up. There's more violence, corruption is widespread, we all have the attention spans of microwaves, and people care more about celebrities and athletes than politicians and real life. After hours of research and days of sifting through old newspapers, I have a theory.
This downward spiral in our society started on one date. One date that started the whole trend of corruption, manipulation, cynicism and ball-wrangling. That date, of course, is January 17th, 1980. You don't believe me? Allow me to share with you the fruits of my labor – a timeline chronicling the destruction of society:
January 17, 1980: Miss Britt is born. Fourteen people go into a hypnotic trance and purchase every shoe within a 5-mile radius of the hospital.
January 17, 1981: Ferdinand Marcos lifted martial law over the Philippines. Imelda Marcos bought more shoes.
January 17, 1982: "Cold Sunday". Cities in the United States, including Chicago, see the lowest temperatures they have ever experienced in over 100 years.
January 17, 1983: Kenny Rogers wins an American Music Award. Bearded retards everywhere riot.
January 17, 1984: NYPD starts Operation Pressure Point, a clampdown of the Lower East Side and East Village of New York City. No word is heard from the Village People.
January 17, 1985: Spock gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Trekkies everywhere riot.
January 17, 1986: "Heathcliff: The Movie" opens. Twenty years later, "Garfield" finally tries again. The world is still not ready for an animated cat movie.
January 17, 1987: President Ronald Reagan signs order allowing covert sale of arms to Iran. When he asks his advisors where Iran is, they say "Iran – so far away." Flock of Seagulls demands royalties.
January 17, 1988: "Three Men and a Baby" grosses over $100 million, giving Steve Guttenberg false hope that his career has a chance.
January 17, 1989: School shootings start with the Stockton massacre. Nobody sues the school, the gun manufacturer, or other random defendants.
January 17, 1990: Kid Rock survives to his 18th birthday. Collectively, the world shudders.
January 17, 1991: The Gulf War: Operation Desert Storm begins. Experts predict a quick and easy solution to all of the troubles in the Middle East.
January 17, 1992: Danielle Torres wins $88,865 in prizes on The Price is Right, holding the record for the highest amount won in the game's 18-year history. Ivory soap stock soars.
January 17, 1993: "The Way Things Ought to Be", by Rush Limbaugh, hits #1 on the New York Times Best Sellers list. The sound of 250 million hands slapping their respective foreheads echoes for three months.
January 17, 1994: A devastating earthquake of magnitude 6.7 hits Northridge, California. Strip malls will never be the same.
January 17, 1995: An earthquake nearly destroys Kobe, Japan, achieving magnitude 7.3. Nobody blames Godzilla.
January 17, 1996: Miss Britt gets her driver's license. Use of public transportation nationwide immediately rises.
January 17, 1997: A court in Ireland grants the first divorce in the country's history. Alcohol is found to be a factor.
January 17, 1998: President Clinton becomes the first sitting US president to testify as a defendant in a civil or criminal suit. He is also the first to refer to plaintiff Paula Jones as a "two-bagger".
January 17, 1999: Scrabble tile manufacturing is closed in the United States and relocated to Shanghai. The game is further changed with all "L" tiles being replaced with "R".
January 17, 2000: Glaxo Wellcome and SmithKline Beecham merge into pharmaceutical conglomerate GlaxoSmithKline. Aspirin reaches $3.20 a gallon.
January 17, 2001: Miss Britt turns 21. Alcohol and condom sales skyrocket.
January 17, 2002: Mount Nyiragongo, a previously dormant volcano, erupts in the Congo. There are no white people involved, so the US doesn't notice.
January 17, 2003: Tom Ridge is recommended to be confirmed as the head of Homeland Security. The world feels a great disturbance, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.
January 17, 2004: "Napoleon Dynamite" opens. "Gosh" becomes en vogue again.
January 17, 2005: Zhao Ziyang, the Premier of China, dies. Communism continues, strong as ever.
January 17, 2006: Benjamin Franklin turns 300. His zombie body is still chained underneath the Library of Congress
January 17, 2007: Doomsday Clock is set to 5 minutes to midnight in response to North Korea's nuclear testing. Party Clock set to 12:14.
January 17, 2008: Britt turns 28. Large bearded gorilla found beat to death with a shoe and a vodka bottle lodged firmly in his rectal cavity.
As you can see, all of the evidence clearly points to Miss Britt as the sole reason for the decline of our society. Take a minute today and head over there to wish her a happy birthday and tell her that you blame her!
Happy birthday, Britt!
(Also, go wish KG a happy birthday, too. She's almost 50! Well, close enough.)
