Monthly archives

Tits on the Radio

 

A few Friday points worth mentioning:

First, I promised Kyra that I'd pimp her radio show if she'd send me a video of her having sex with an action figure of Batman. She quickly agreed - a bit too quickly, if you ask me - so here you go:

On Sunday at 3 PM EST (that's 12 PM PST, 1 PM MST, 2 PM CST, and 8 PM STD), Kyra will be regaling the world with tales of her sexual exploits, including the number of things she can fit into her vagina at once, the amount of gravitational pull her tits have, her favorite tricks for convincing her husband to have anal sex with her, and how much she wants to ride each and every one of you like Luke Perry in 8 Seconds.

Go check it out and on Sunday, take off your clothes and listen!

Secondly, I came across a great website called "garfield minus garfield". The author says, "Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life?" Here's just one example:

Thirdly, I've started re-watching The X-Files, starting with season 1. I bought the whole series on DVD over Christmas and it's been sitting there, mocking me, so I finally gave in. I had forgotten how great this show really was. It's smartly written with a great sense of humor, and the mythology is so well laid out. You can just tell the level of meticulous detail that went into every episode.

After this, it's onto Gilmore Girls, then probably Dexter, Twin Peaks, Brisco County, Jr., then maybe Lost, and finally Seinfeld. Watching all of these series straight through should only take me until 2043.

Finally, I'd like all of you people who live in the North to come to Florida and take this fucking weather back. It's February, for fuck's sake - it shouldn't be this cold!

Blogrolling with my homies

 

So it's that time again. Time to update the blogroll.

A few bloggers turned into scandalous cunts and aren't worth my time anymore. A few bloggers just disappeared. And, of course, I've added a ton of new blogs to my feedreader, but that doesn't mean they got added to my blogroll on the site here. And if they're not added to my blogroll here, there's no linkage from me to you.

I'm going to wipe the blogroll slate clean here and rebuild it from scratch. So, if you want on it, leave a comment and let me know. That goes for you lurkers, too. But that's not all!

I'm also going to add Ubernyms (those cute little nicknames that appear when you hover over a name like Britt or Amy) for everyone. If there's something specific that you'd like for your personal Ubernym, now's your chance to let me know in the comments.

Finally, I'd like to thank everyone for their comments yesterday. Clearly, my post was intended as satire and humor, and I'm glad nobody took offense. Well, so far. I haven't been invited to be a keynote speaker at the BlogHer conference yet either.

A Letter To My Body

 

Last week, Britt wrote a very inspiring post about body acceptance, and she very bravely posted a picture of herself in the nude to show how comfortable she is with every curve, wrinkle and stray hair. It was all part of the BlogHer "Letter to my Body" initiative. I think it's an excellent movement and support it fully. I mean no disrespect to those women with this subsequent parody.

Dear Body,

I love you.

I knew that a steady diet of cheeseburgers, french fries, pizza, and butter would make you into an object of desire and affection.

I love that you can displace all of the water in a pool with one cannonball.
I love that your pants would feed a largish village in Africa.
I love that I get to use a mirror to see my penis and feet, since that lets me just gaze at myself.

Your breasts started out firm, but after having many Baby Ruths, they have become a bit saggy, but that's okay. I'd never be able to lick my own nipples otherwise.

Your stomach, pregnant with many, many food babies, has expanded, but that's okay. It's a good place to sit a book or balance a tray.

Your thighs, once glistening pillars of steel, now brush together, but that's okay. If I get trapped out in the wilderness, I can just wear corduroy and walk around to start a small fire.

Your penis, a mighty warrior of slightly above average size, has now hidden itself among your girth, but that's okay. The smaller size makes it easier for smaller hands, say that of a high school aged girl.

Your butt, once shapely and taut, has become completely flat, but that's okay. Now I can drop my pants easily without worrying about snags.

Your hair still covers every inch of you, except on the top of your head, but that's okay. I enjoy being able to explore fashion trends with different types of hats.

Being the size of six normal people just means that you are six times as awesome! Being able to ride in solace in an elevator because you meet the weight limit alone is gratifying. Bringing your own titanium chair to restaurants allows you to protect the environment, and buying four seats on an airplane before you board gives you the comfort that none of those other passengers will ever experience.

Body, you'll never understand how important I feel when the people at the Burger King drive-through know me by name. And that's all thanks to you. And having the city of Altamonte Springs offer me my own roving zip code - that just warmed the cockles of my heart. When cars move out of the way as I cross the street because they don't want to hit the large zoo animal who has clearly escaped, I always nod my head and secretly thank you. For I truly am special.

I love you, Body.

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Avikipedia

 

avitabile_portrait.jpg

I need help from a Wikipedia expert. Does anyone have editing capabilities on Wikipedia? How does it work? I usually stay away from it because I think people rely on it too much, almost as an encyclopedic resource. When it comes to information about entertainment or current events, it can be a good source of information, but I hate when people use it for legal or medical advice or even for historical research purposes.

Unfortunately, though, I now need to learn about Wikipedia. You see, there's an entry about my ancestor, Paolo di Avitabile, who was the actual inspiration for the bogeyman in Pakistan. Even to this day, parents tell their children to behave or "Abu Tabela" will come and get them.

I think it would be awesome if part of the entry for my ancestor discussed current descendants. Would anyone know how to edit it to add something like the following:

"Avitabile's family is spread throughout Naples and the United States, where his name was changed to "Avitable" by lazy registrars at Ellis Island. One well-known descendant is Adam Heath Avitable, who maintains a blog online at http://www.avitable.com."

I'd really like to do this - if someone can help me figure it out, that would help. If they could just do it for me, that would be even better! You'd be my number one bestest friend.

You can email me at my first name at my last name dot com if you have any advice or suggestions or if you want me to verbally masturbate you for helping out.

The rest of today's post discusses the contest and is in an extended entry.

Read more...

The Great Interview Experiment

 

Before I get to today's post, don't forget about yesterday's contest. All you need to do is pick out the seven pop culture references I mention. The contest doesn't end until tonight at midnight, so you still have a chance of winning an iPod Shuffle!


A little more than a month ago, Neil over at Citizen of the Month started The Great Interview Experiment. Essentially, each commenter interviewed the person before him or her and was subsequently interviewed by the commenter following. It's been a huge success, with only a few people neglecting their interviewing duties.

Unfortunately, Feral Mom was one of those poor neglected souls. Neil was looking for people to step in and interview those who were left hanging, so voila! She's funny, dirty-minded, and a new favorite read. So check out our interview, then go check our her site!

feralmom.jpg

Avitable: Before I interview a blogger or review their blog, I always go to their archives and start with their very first post. It's a good way to see how the blog has evolved. Since January 26, 2005, over three years ago, how do you think your blog has evolved and has it been for the better or worse?

Feral Mom: When I first started writing Gone Feral, I'd intended it to be the sordid chronicle of my deteriorating hygiene and decreasing ability to maintain normal social interactions as a stay-at-home mother of twin infants. Anyone who knows me well, however, knows that my hygiene has always been on the lax side and that I can usually find some excuse to gibber to myself quietly in the corner. Twin infants were just the icing on an already very sloppy, social anxiety-ridden cake. Shirts splotched with sour milk from my leaky jahoobies? The source of that persistent "magic marker" smell a rotting banana peel under the Lazy Boy? The highlight of my day being giving the Diaper Genie a fisting it would never forget? Squalid, oh yes, but bring it on, I thought. So stay at home motherhood was, in a way, a convenient cover for my already feral, disgusting tendencies. And Gone Feral gave me a venue to make shit jokes without even leaving the house.

After a while I discovered that there are only so many jokes (and lists) to be made about poop, butts, pubes, farts, and jahoobies. Oh, I've got more, but I've realized I need to hold some in reserve for the long haul. So I began to write about other things—my fraught relationship with my mother-in-law, whom I've come to love over the past three years. My return to academia, where I put on clothes to go to class, but remained naked, feral, and farting underneath. Eventually, I even began revisiting episodes from my past, like Catholic school, batshit crazy landlords, traumatic conference papers, tales from the front of a middle school library and other more serious fodder. I still try to write about turds—and believe me, they come up a lot in my life—but I also find that there's plenty of other material out there. So the content of the blog has expanded quite a bit. I also don't ALWAYS go for the immature, Beavis and Butthead innuendo anymore. If I want to try for a different tone or mood, I can usually go there without fearing that readers are going to be disappointed in me, or something.

Speaking of readers, they're the other change. When I started Gone Feral, I had just a handful of friends reading—and they were all, I should note, very supportive, leaving me comments so that I wouldn't be left hanging out there alone on the internets. Three of them even ended up starting their own blogs—excellent ones, I might add. But then I starting getting some visits from people I didn't know, one link led to another, a few kind, more popular souls took me under their bloggy wings, and I found, quite unexpectedly, a community. The best part about blogging, other than the way it has of transforming trauma and tedium into material (and thereby making it bearable) is the connections (and sometimes, friendships) you make with total
strangers. I never imagined when I started Gone Feral that it would not only save my sanity, but help my shy ass make friends with other shy asses—foul mouthed, irreverent people who can hold their liquor AND write the hell out of a blog. I'm lucky to have found a corner of the blogosphere with so many generous, funny, and talented people.

Avitable: As I read, one word I keeping coming across (figuratively) is "tits". You clearly are a huge fan of jahoobies - what are the traits you look for in a set of bazongas, and who, among the celebrity world, has the nicest sweater puppies?

drewboobies.jpg

Feral Mom: I love boobies, I do. But I am quite catholic in my appreciation of them. (That's "small c catholic" though tits on a pope are also awesome…and hilarious!) Small ones, big ones, saggy ones, perky ones? I like 'em all. Hell, I even like old man tits, that's how much I love jahoobies. That being said, I find myself in the celebrity boob realm most distracted by the tits on Lost. The entire cast has outstanding racks, including Hurley. Plus, they're all in undershirts or shirtless most of the time. If I had to pick one favorite celebrity boob shot, hough, it's Drew Barrymore in this photo. Sweater puppies unleashed!

Avitable: You recently moved to Los Angeles, one of my favorite places to live in the world. First, have you been to Pink's? Fatburger? Second, have you used Pink Dot to order emergency supplies delivered to your home? Finally, have you noticed how everything clears up and gets beautiful as you cross over from LA County to Orange County?

Feral Mom: No, no, no, and no. I clearly need to get out more. When did you live in Los Angeles? What other recommendations do you have for a feral person in SoCal?

Avitable: I lived in Los Angeles from 2001 until 2004. For restaurants, I recommend The Engine Company and The Pacific Car Company (downtown) and Duke's (Huntington Beach). I also recommend buying a Thomas Guide - makes everything much easier. And Zagat's. Did you get the dentist recommendation I made on your blog? He's a good one for feral teeth.

Avitable: Staying with the Los Angeles theme, here. What are your favorite aspects of LA so far? Your least favorite?

Feral Mom: I enjoy living in L.A. far more than I ever imagined I would. The weather, needless to say is outstanding. While I used to fancy myself a tough Midwestern broad weather-wise, truth be told, I spent a lot of time whilst living there bitching about the cold and the snow. No more. I also enjoy the year-round farmer's markets, especially the outstanding citrus. Oranges have become very very important to me, as have avocados. Hands off my fresh produce!

I have a love/hate relationship with being on the western edge of the country. I love the feeling that I've escaped my old life for a while; that, while I'm reachable by car or plane, someone would have to put serious effort into coming to find me. Not that I'm hiding from anyone, you understand…but I do have a tendency to get restless when I've been in the same place, around the same people, too long. Living in Los Angeles seems like an escape—in a good way.

However, I HATE the fact that, by the time the kids are asleep, it's too late to call or chat online with my East Coast and Midwestern peeps. I also hate that sense of removal from old communities, particularly this first winter we've spent in L.A. Not that I WANT to be back in the Heartland experiencing some of the worst weather on record, but I know that all my Midwestern friends and family will share a reference point (and a bond) for years to come that won't include me. While they were finding creative ways to stay warm and remove snow, I was eating oranges while the ocean gently lapped my hairy toes. I know, I know. Cry you a river.

And speaking of hairy toes, my least favorite thing about L.A. is being called "sir" even when I'm wearing a Christless skirt. OK, not really…that's material. My absolute least favorite aspect of L.A. is the fact that buying a house, hell, renting a house, is some kind of Impossible Dream. You know, a yard would be nice. It's also that apartment living entails rubbing elbows with neighbors, and we have a sordid history with neighbors. I would like to be done with neighbors forever. Alas, it ain't gonna happen here.

Avitable: Here's a fill-in-the-blank for you: I'd rather fuck a _____ than eat a ______ .

Feral Mom: I'd rather fuck a leprechaun than eat a monkey.

I ate monkey once by accident in a Peruvian jungle and it was…distressing. As for leprechauns…those saucy wee people can't help themselves. Fuck them! They're Irish.

Thanks for interviewing me, Avitable! I'm grateful.

And there you go. Go say hi to Feral Mom and go over to Neil's if you want to partake in the Great Interview Experiment!

Lazy Sunday XXVII

 

Today's Lazy Sunday is going to be a bit different. Typically, I work in a few pop culture references. Some are obscure, some are not. For example, last week, one of my answers was "They've gone plaid", which was clearly a reference to Spaceballs. I think most people miss them and don't appreciate all of the hard work that I've put into trying to come up with these allusions.

Well, I will no longer be underappreciated. My solution is very simple: I shall now bribe all of you to search desperately for my clever references.

From this point forward, every Lazy Sunday will continue to have several movie or television references. They might be a quote, a situational reference, an offhand remark or a subtle allusion, but they will be there. And to the sharp-eyed fucker who can find all of them and gives me the numbers and movie or television show names in the comments, I will reward you with glory and thanks. Oh, and a prize!

What's today's prize, you might ask? How about an iPod Shuffle?

Want to win it? Just find and guess the references, along with the corresponding numbers. If there are multiple people who guess correctly, I will choose one of the names at random and select my winner that way.

Contest ends Monday at midnight EST. Canadians may be required to do a small math problem in order to win.

A few additions (8:57 AM EST, 2/24/08):

1. If I actually name a TV show or movie as an answer, that clearly isn't going to be one of them. That's a bit too obvious, don't you think?
2. If you get rid of Roxanne, Dora, and Oz, there are 7 actual references and allusions that you should be able to pick up.
3. You get two tries. After that, feel free to comment, but if you keep adding ones on, they're not going to count.


Thanks to Kapgar for this one. There are 7 movie or television references to find.

1. Do you like blue cheese?
No, but I have blown cheese.

2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
The only thing I like to do with heroin is put it in little balloons and shove the balloons up my ass.

3. Do you own a gun?
Well, I certainly don't have a license to carry what's in my pants.

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
Lime-semen.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor's appointments?
I used to for my prostate exams. But then I found a doctor who started taking me to dinner and a movie first.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
I think the combination of rat tail, raccoon feet, pigeon head, and boot tongue is lip-smackingly delicious.

7. Favorite Christmas song?
I saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus's Penis.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
A Weight Gain 4000 shake. I'm trying to bulk up.

9. Can you do push ups?
Yes. I do them at such a high speed that it just seems like I'm laying on the floor, though.

10. What do you order at Starbucks?
Large cheese pizza.

11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?
My spleen piercing.

12. Favorite hobby?
Skinny prank phone-calling.

13. How do you eat your eggs?
I suck them out of the uterus with a straw.

14. Do you have A.D.D.?
No.

15. What’s one trait you hate about yourself?
My inability to . . . . ooh, shiny!

16. Your eye color?
Stripper pole silver

17. Name three thoughts at this exact moment?
1. I've never actually seen a stripper pole. Are they bronze?
2. Am I strange for having no desire to ever go to a strip club?
3. Ooh, shiny!

18. Name three things you bought yesterday?
Do sex acts from donkeys count as "things"?

19. Three drinks you regularly drink?
Diet Coke
Diet Coke with Lime
Diet Coke with Lemon

20. Current worry right now?
I wonder if this contest is going to be too subtle.

21. Current hate right now?
Edible panties that taste like limburger cheese.

22. Favorite place to be?
Oz. The magical land, not the prison.

23. How did you bring in the New Years?
Ohhhhh. I thought it was the Nude Years! No wonder the host was so horrified.

24. Where would you like to go?
To that place in France where the naked ladies dance.

25. Name three people who will complete this?
Larry, Curly, and Moe.

26. Do you own slippers?
Yes, with pictures of Dora the Explorer on them.

27. What shirt are you wearing?
I'm topless right now. Well, except for the sports bra.

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
No. Every time I try to jump into bed, I just slide right off the other side.

29. Can you whistle?
Only rectally.

30. Favorite color?
Mauve.

31. Would you be a pirate?
No. I'm not really a booty man.

32. What songs do you sing in the shower?
I only take baths, and I like to make my shampoo and conditioner bottles fight for superiority.

33. Favorite girl’s name?
Anything Irish.

34. Favorite boy’s name?
Adam. Or Thor.

35. What’s in your pocket right now?
A half a pack of cigarette, a tank of gas, and my sunglasses.

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
Steve Martin in Roxanne.

37. Most frequently dialed phone number?
1-800-AVITABLE. And I'll keep dialing it until someone actually answers and says "1-800-Avitable, how can I help you?"

38. Worst injury you’ve ever had?
Caught a bazooka round at Little Big Horn. Or was it Okinawa? The one without the Indians. My eyes are ceramic now.

39. Do you love where you live?
Home is where you bury the hookers.

40. How many TVs do you have?
I refuse to answer this question until my wife lets me get one for the bathroom.

41. Who is your loudest friend?
Oh, you know.

42. How many dogs do you have?
I refuse to answer this question until my wife lets me get one for the bathroom.

43. What are you thrilled about right now?
Toilet dog!

44. Do you have a crush on someone?
Hulk Hogan.

45. What is your favorite book?
Chicken Soup for the Hairy Gorilla Geek Soul

46. What is your favorite candy?
It's NOT Turkish Delight.

47. Favorite Sports Team?
The San Francisco Snowballers.

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
I want people to sing "I Say a Little Prayer" in unison.

49. What were you doing at 12 AM last night?
Stripping. It's my night job.

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
I hope I didn't eat my underwear again in my sleep. I was dreaming that I was eating pancakes.

Office Space

 

So last week, Britt did a video post, and everybody was trying to figure out where the hell she was during the video. Some people guessed a torture chamber, or an old warehouse, or some horrible little place. It was none of those. It was my office!

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So I decided to do a quick video tour of my office to show that it's not always a torture chamber. Here's the direct link.

Avitapope in the house

 

Church of Holy Avitableness

As most of you know, I have my own church - The Church of Holy Avitableness.

We don't do mass. There's no collection plate. We don't have a church building. There are no vestments. I don't even have a Holy Book!

What we do have, though, is CONFESSION.

It's good for the soul. It's good for the heart. It's downright good for you.

And today on Avitable.com is Confession Day.

Today's comments are for confessions. You don't have to be specific. You can log out and confess as Anonymous. You can confess whatever sin you want, no matter how small or how momentous. Confess something that you'd never post on your own blog - you don't have to worry about your readers seeing it here. Confess something that you've just wanted to get off of your chest. Confess something that you don't really care about. You can make it a general confession about a sin, or you can make it a specific confession to a specific person who can remain nameless or be named.

It doesn't matter. Just confess.

I'll start:

Confession #1:

When I worked at a video store, and later at a mall movie store, I stole over 400 VHS tapes for my own personal movie collection. At the movie store, I would have a friend come in with my list of movies, plus a few for himself, and he'd pull them from the shelves, come over to the cash register, where I would pretend to ring him out, scan the movies so they wouldn't set off the security, and then put them in a bag with a fake paper receipt, and he'd walk out. At the video store, I would take movies off of the shelves, delete them from the system, and then put them in my bag that I would take with me at the end of the night.

Confession #2:

I like to lie to the Burger King people and tell them that they forgot to give me a Hershey's Sundae Pie last time I went through the drive-through, and they always give me one for free.

Confession #3:

I am very guilty of envying other people's possessions and success, and I will typically try to do whatever I can to reach the same level or take them down a notch to my level.

Okay, it's your turn. Let's hear it!

Whorsday

 

First, let's talk about Coke Rewards. Every 12-pack and 20-pack and 24-pack of cans of Coca-Cola brand soda and every individual bottle of soda has a Coke Rewards number on it, making it worth anywhere from 3 points to 20.

You may have collected a few, but let's face it. You're not going to really do anything with them, are you?

Why not pass them on to me? I've been collecting them since the program started and my goal is to get as many as humanly possible. I go through 5-10 cases of Diet Coke myself a week, but that's not enough!

There are a few bloggers who are my favorites in the whole world because they share them constantly - thanks to the gorgeous, funny, irrepressible AnnieB, Mr. Fabulous, and the most prolific, Wayne! So, if you want to be like the cool people, get your Coke Rewards points and email them to me at my first name at my last name dot com. I'm on good terms with the Big Guy, so I know that there is a special place in heaven for people who give me Rewards points.

Secondly, I'd like to help out my meal ticket good friend Wayne. He is obsessed with those horrible, horrible LOLcats, and one of his favorite LOLcat sites, ICHC (I Can Has Cheezburger?) is having a contest for poker-themed user-generated LOLcat pics. The winner gets to go to Vegas.

You can check out all of his entries on his blog, or just click on the one I chose as my favorite out of his and go vote for it. Just give him 5 cheeseburgers for this one, and if he gets enough votes, he's off to Vegas. I have it on good authority that if Wayne wins, he plans on bringing back hookers and shrimp cocktail for everyone who voted for him.

crazy, funny pix
More on the online Poker Cats Contest

Thirdly, I created an iPhone wallpaper for those of you who are cool enough to have iPhones but not cool enough to have awesome wallpaper:

iphonebackground_avi.jpg

Finally, does anyone have any more food suggestions if we do another Fryday this weekend? So far, we've done eggrolls, chicken, pizza, PB&J, grilled cheese, Oreos, EL Fudge, Snickers, apple pie, taquitos, chimichangas, hotdogs, Twinkies, and a Cheeseburger Bite from 7-11. I'm open for other ideas . . . except pickles. Uck!

Lego my Lego

 

LegoAvitable