Archive for February, 2008

A few Friday points worth mentioning:

First, I promised Kyra that I'd pimp her radio show if she'd send me a video of her having sex with an action figure of Batman. She quickly agreed – a bit too quickly, if you ask me – so here you go:

On Sunday at 3 PM EST (that's 12 PM PST, 1 PM MST, 2 PM CST, and 8 PM STD), Kyra will be regaling the world with tales of her sexual exploits, including the number of things she can fit into her vagina at once, the amount of gravitational pull her tits have, her favorite tricks for convincing her husband to have anal sex with her, and how much she wants to ride each and every one of you like Luke Perry in 8 Seconds.

Go check it out and on Sunday, take off your clothes and listen!

Secondly, I came across a great website called "garfield minus garfield". The author says, "Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life?" Here's just one example:

Thirdly, I've started re-watching The X-Files, starting with season 1. I bought the whole series on DVD over Christmas and it's been sitting there, mocking me, so I finally gave in. I had forgotten how great this show really was. It's smartly written with a great sense of humor, and the mythology is so well laid out. You can just tell the level of meticulous detail that went into every episode.

After this, it's onto Gilmore Girls, then probably Dexter, Twin Peaks, Brisco County, Jr., then maybe Lost, and finally Seinfeld. Watching all of these series straight through should only take me until 2043.

Finally, I'd like all of you people who live in the North to come to Florida and take this fucking weather back. It's February, for fuck's sake – it shouldn't be this cold!

If you're new to the horrors of Avitable.com, don't miss out. Subscribe to my RSS feed!

So it's that time again. Time to update the blogroll.

A few bloggers turned into scandalous cunts and aren't worth my time anymore. A few bloggers just disappeared. And, of course, I've added a ton of new blogs to my feedreader, but that doesn't mean they got added to my blogroll on the site here. And if they're not added to my blogroll here, there's no linkage from me to you.

I'm going to wipe the blogroll slate clean here and rebuild it from scratch. So, if you want on it, leave a comment and let me know. That goes for you lurkers, too. But that's not all!

I'm also going to add Ubernyms (those cute little nicknames that appear when you hover over a name like Britt or Amy) for everyone. If there's something specific that you'd like for your personal Ubernym, now's your chance to let me know in the comments.

Finally, I'd like to thank everyone for their comments yesterday. Clearly, my post was intended as satire and humor, and I'm glad nobody took offense. Well, so far. I haven't been invited to be a keynote speaker at the BlogHer conference yet either.

Last week, Britt wrote a very inspiring post about body acceptance, and she very bravely posted a picture of herself in the nude to show how comfortable she is with every curve, wrinkle and stray hair. It was all part of the BlogHer "Letter to my Body" initiative. I think it's an excellent movement and support it fully. I mean no disrespect to those women with this subsequent parody.

Dear Body,

I love you.

I knew that a steady diet of cheeseburgers, french fries, pizza, and butter would make you into an object of desire and affection.

I love that you can displace all of the water in a pool with one cannonball.
I love that your pants would feed a largish village in Africa.
I love that I get to use a mirror to see my penis and feet, since that lets me just gaze at myself.

Your breasts started out firm, but after having many Baby Ruths, they have become a bit saggy, but that's okay. I'd never be able to lick my own nipples otherwise.

Your stomach, pregnant with many, many food babies, has expanded, but that's okay. It's a good place to sit a book or balance a tray.

Your thighs, once glistening pillars of steel, now brush together, but that's okay. If I get trapped out in the wilderness, I can just wear corduroy and walk around to start a small fire.

Your penis, a mighty warrior of slightly above average size, has now hidden itself among your girth, but that's okay. The smaller size makes it easier for smaller hands, say that of a high school aged girl.

Your butt, once shapely and taut, has become completely flat, but that's okay. Now I can drop my pants easily without worrying about snags.

Your hair still covers every inch of you, except on the top of your head, but that's okay. I enjoy being able to explore fashion trends with different types of hats.

Being the size of six normal people just means that you are six times as awesome! Being able to ride in solace in an elevator because you meet the weight limit alone is gratifying. Bringing your own titanium chair to restaurants allows you to protect the environment, and buying four seats on an airplane before you board gives you the comfort that none of those other passengers will ever experience.

Body, you'll never understand how important I feel when the people at the Burger King drive-through know me by name. And that's all thanks to you. And having the city of Altamonte Springs offer me my own roving zip code – that just warmed the cockles of my heart. When cars move out of the way as I cross the street because they don't want to hit the large zoo animal who has clearly escaped, I always nod my head and secretly thank you. For I truly am special.

I love you, Body.

I need help from a Wikipedia expert. Does anyone have editing capabilities on Wikipedia? How does it work? I usually stay away from it because I think people rely on it too much, almost as an encyclopedic resource. When it comes to information about entertainment or current events, it can be a good source of information, but I hate when people use it for legal or medical advice or even for historical research purposes.

Unfortunately, though, I now need to learn about Wikipedia. You see, there's an entry about my ancestor, Paolo di Avitabile, who was the actual inspiration for the bogeyman in Pakistan. Even to this day, parents tell their children to behave or "Abu Tabela" will come and get them.

I think it would be awesome if part of the entry for my ancestor discussed current descendants. Would anyone know how to edit it to add something like the following:

"Avitabile's family is spread throughout Naples and the United States, where his name was changed to "Avitable" by lazy registrars at Ellis Island. One well-known descendant is Adam Heath Avitable, who maintains a blog online at http://www.avitable.com."

I'd really like to do this – if someone can help me figure it out, that would help. If they could just do it for me, that would be even better! You'd be my number one bestest friend.

You can email me at my first name at my last name dot com if you have any advice or suggestions or if you want me to verbally masturbate you for helping out.

The rest of today's post discusses the contest and is in an extended entry.

Read the rest of this entry »

Before I get to today's post, don't forget about yesterday's contest. All you need to do is pick out the seven pop culture references I mention. The contest doesn't end until tonight at midnight, so you still have a chance of winning an iPod Shuffle!

A little more than a month ago, Neil over at Citizen of the Month started The Great Interview Experiment. Essentially, each commenter interviewed the person before him or her and was subsequently interviewed by the commenter following. It's been a huge success, with only a few people neglecting their interviewing duties.

Unfortunately, Feral Mom was one of those poor neglected souls. Neil was looking for people to step in and interview those who were left hanging, so voila! She's funny, dirty-minded, and a new favorite read. So check out our interview, then go check our her site!

Avitable: Before I interview a blogger or review their blog, I always go to their archives and start with their very first post. It's a good way to see how the blog has evolved. Since January 26, 2005, over three years ago, how do you think your blog has evolved and has it been for the better or worse?

Feral Mom: When I first started writing Gone Feral, I'd intended it to be the sordid chronicle of my deteriorating hygiene and decreasing ability to maintain normal social interactions as a stay-at-home mother of twin infants. Anyone who knows me well, however, knows that my hygiene has always been on the lax side and that I can usually find some excuse to gibber to myself quietly in the corner. Twin infants were just the icing on an already very sloppy, social anxiety-ridden cake. Shirts splotched with sour milk from my leaky jahoobies? The source of that persistent "magic marker" smell a rotting banana peel under the Lazy Boy? The highlight of my day being giving the Diaper Genie a fisting it would never forget? Squalid, oh yes, but bring it on, I thought. So stay at home motherhood was, in a way, a convenient cover for my already feral, disgusting tendencies. And Gone Feral gave me a venue to make shit jokes without even leaving the house.

After a while I discovered that there are only so many jokes (and lists) to be made about poop, butts, pubes, farts, and jahoobies. Oh, I've got more, but I've realized I need to hold some in reserve for the long haul. So I began to write about other things—my fraught relationship with my mother-in-law, whom I've come to love over the past three years. My return to academia, where I put on clothes to go to class, but remained naked, feral, and farting underneath. Eventually, I even began revisiting episodes from my past, like Catholic school, batshit crazy landlords, traumatic conference papers, tales from the front of a middle school library and other more serious fodder. I still try to write about turds—and believe me, they come up a lot in my life—but I also find that there's plenty of other material out there. So the content of the blog has expanded quite a bit. I also don't ALWAYS go for the immature, Beavis and Butthead innuendo anymore. If I want to try for a different tone or mood, I can usually go there without fearing that readers are going to be disappointed in me, or something.

Speaking of readers, they're the other change. When I started Gone Feral, I had just a handful of friends reading—and they were all, I should note, very supportive, leaving me comments so that I wouldn't be left hanging out there alone on the internets. Three of them even ended up starting their own blogs—excellent ones, I might add. But then I starting getting some visits from people I didn't know, one link led to another, a few kind, more popular souls took me under their bloggy wings, and I found, quite unexpectedly, a community. The best part about blogging, other than the way it has of transforming trauma and tedium into material (and thereby making it bearable) is the connections (and sometimes, friendships) you make with total
strangers. I never imagined when I started Gone Feral that it would not only save my sanity, but help my shy ass make friends with other shy asses—foul mouthed, irreverent people who can hold their liquor AND write the hell out of a blog. I'm lucky to have found a corner of the blogosphere with so many generous, funny, and talented people.

Avitable: As I read, one word I keeping coming across (figuratively) is "tits". You clearly are a huge fan of jahoobies – what are the traits you look for in a set of bazongas, and who, among the celebrity world, has the nicest sweater puppies?

Feral Mom: I love boobies, I do. But I am quite catholic in my appreciation of them. (That's "small c catholic" though tits on a pope are also awesome…and hilarious!) Small ones, big ones, saggy ones, perky ones? I like 'em all. Hell, I even like old man tits, that's how much I love jahoobies. That being said, I find myself in the celebrity boob realm most distracted by the tits on Lost. The entire cast has outstanding racks, including Hurley. Plus, they're all in undershirts or shirtless most of the time. If I had to pick one favorite celebrity boob shot, hough, it's Drew Barrymore in this photo. Sweater puppies unleashed!

Avitable: You recently moved to Los Angeles, one of my favorite places to live in the world. First, have you been to Pink's? Fatburger? Second, have you used Pink Dot to order emergency supplies delivered to your home? Finally, have you noticed how everything clears up and gets beautiful as you cross over from LA County to Orange County?

Feral Mom: No, no, no, and no. I clearly need to get out more. When did you live in Los Angeles? What other recommendations do you have for a feral person in SoCal?

Avitable: I lived in Los Angeles from 2001 until 2004. For restaurants, I recommend The Engine Company and The Pacific Car Company (downtown) and Duke's (Huntington Beach). I also recommend buying a Thomas Guide – makes everything much easier. And Zagat's. Did you get the dentist recommendation I made on your blog? He's a good one for feral teeth.

Avitable: Staying with the Los Angeles theme, here. What are your favorite aspects of LA so far? Your least favorite?

Feral Mom: I enjoy living in L.A. far more than I ever imagined I would. The weather, needless to say is outstanding. While I used to fancy myself a tough Midwestern broad weather-wise, truth be told, I spent a lot of time whilst living there bitching about the cold and the snow. No more. I also enjoy the year-round farmer's markets, especially the outstanding citrus. Oranges have become very very important to me, as have avocados. Hands off my fresh produce!

I have a love/hate relationship with being on the western edge of the country. I love the feeling that I've escaped my old life for a while; that, while I'm reachable by car or plane, someone would have to put serious effort into coming to find me. Not that I'm hiding from anyone, you understand…but I do have a tendency to get restless when I've been in the same place, around the same people, too long. Living in Los Angeles seems like an escape—in a good way.

However, I HATE the fact that, by the time the kids are asleep, it's too late to call or chat online with my East Coast and Midwestern peeps. I also hate that sense of removal from old communities, particularly this first winter we've spent in L.A. Not that I WANT to be back in the Heartland experiencing some of the worst weather on record, but I know that all my Midwestern friends and family will share a reference point (and a bond) for years to come that won't include me. While they were finding creative ways to stay warm and remove snow, I was eating oranges while the ocean gently lapped my hairy toes. I know, I know. Cry you a river.

And speaking of hairy toes, my least favorite thing about L.A. is being called "sir" even when I'm wearing a Christless skirt. OK, not really…that's material. My absolute least favorite aspect of L.A. is the fact that buying a house, hell, renting a house, is some kind of Impossible Dream. You know, a yard would be nice. It's also that apartment living entails rubbing elbows with neighbors, and we have a sordid history with neighbors. I would like to be done with neighbors forever. Alas, it ain't gonna happen here.

Avitable: Here's a fill-in-the-blank for you: I'd rather fuck a _____ than eat a ______ .

Feral Mom: I'd rather fuck a leprechaun than eat a monkey.

I ate monkey once by accident in a Peruvian jungle and it was…distressing. As for leprechauns…those saucy wee people can't help themselves. Fuck them! They're Irish.

Thanks for interviewing me, Avitable! I'm grateful.

And there you go. Go say hi to Feral Mom and go over to Neil's if you want to partake in the Great Interview Experiment!