1. Do you have any pets? Why?
Yes. Because owning pygmy savages would get Angelina Jolie all up in arms.

2. Have you ever eaten sushi?
Did you know that sushi is Japanese for "rubbery and fishy smelling, like a vagina gone bad"?

3. Do you ever say to yourself, "Dang, I need a drink"?
No. I usually say that to my friend Dang.

4. Is there anything that you refuse to drink?
Anything Dang pours for me.

5. Would you consider adoption?
Only if it was a hot lesbian couple who would let me sleep in the bed with them.

6. Do you drive stick?
I run tree.

7. I have never…
… finished someone else's sentence. Fuck.

8. Do you like maps?
I'm more of a globe fan.

9. Do you want to get married?
Only if it was a hot lesbian couple who would let me sleep in the bed with them.

10. Are you a fussy eater?
Only if I don't get exactly what I want.

11. What’s something that you find annoying – but other people don’t?
The concept of an opinion.

12. What would you say if someone told you to describe Coca-Cola?
I don't know, but the diet version allows me to eat four double cheeseburgers, a large fry, a piece of cake, and still watch my calories.

13. Do you sit or stand while taking a shower?
I shower horizontally and rotate on a spit.

14. What was the first thing you thought this morning?
Where did the Rebel Alliance get all of their money to fight the Empire? I bet it was porn.

15. What was your least favorite grade?
An incline of 18.75% is pretty hateful.

16. What do you think would be the most embarrassing death?
Being eaten by Britney Spears.

17. Where was your first kiss?
In my bed with a pillow named Julie.

18. Where do you wish it was?
I don't care, just not on my knees in confession with Father Silvestri.

19. What do you do when you’re upset?
Block my number, call random numbers until a man answers, say "I'm cheating with your wife" and then hang up.

20. Do two wrongs make a right?
Two Wrights made an airplane.

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