Firstly, I'm feeling much better. And I have my car back!
Secondly, I'm going to talk about drivers. (No, not just slow drivers, RW. Stop yer bitchin'.)
Avitable's 10 Rules of Driving:
1. On the interstate, the left lane is called a passing lane. It's not called a driving lane! That means that you use that lane to pass slower vehicles, and if there are faster vehicles behind you, you get over and let them pass you! It's one of the simplest concepts in the world, yet nobody seems to grasp it. And I don't care if you're going 80 so you think you're going fast enough - it's not the fucking driving lane! If I'm going 110 mph, and you're going 80, I should not have to get in the right lane, go around you, and then get back in the passing lane. And yes, I'm going to cut you off when I do it. Because you're a retard.
2. Applying makeup, eating a sandwich, plucking your eyebrows, watching a movie, flipping through your CDs, using your mirror for something other than keeping an eye on the other several-ton death machines around you going at high speeds, putting on or taking off clothes, texting, or even talking on your cellphone while drinking, smoking, eating, or doing anything else - these are NOT activities you should be doing while driving. ESPECIALLY if you're going at a speed that will cause you to suffer from a case of death if you hit someone else because you're not paying proper attention.
3. When you put on your blinker, get over. Don't put your blinker on and casually slide over so that it takes you a full mile to get into the right lane. If you do that, I will share the left lane with you and make you feel like I'm going to push you into your lane. I have no problem with that, and I have no patience with idiots who can't even change lanes properly.
4. If you're going to go slow, great. If you're going to go fast, great. Whatever you're going to do, do it consistently! Staying at 55 mph, and then speeding up to 90 mph for a mile, then slowing down to 60, and so on is not only dangerous because it's unpredictable, but it's just stupid. Maintaining a consistent speed allows other drivers to anticipate your driving, which allows them to react better. Fucking spaz.
5. Don't EVER give me a dirty look because you didn't know enough to get over and I came up too quickly behind you. I was the one maintaining a constant speed in the passing lane, passing the cars as intended. You're the evolutionary throwback who has decided to get comfortable in the passing lane without checking your mirrors.
6. If you're on a motorcycle, stay the fuck off my interstate. No, I don't want to race you, and no, I don't have any problem getting right up on your ass. If you keep zipping around cars to keep up with me without using your turn signals, you're going to end up a very big stain on the pavement. And nobody is going to miss you.
7. If you're driving a big rig, just stay the fuck in the right lane. I don't care if there's a horse and buggy in the right lane going 20 mph, all you're going to do is snarl traffic and fuck everything up.
8. You don't look cool if you're slouched so far down in your car that all I can see is your stupid Cro Mag head. That means you can't see your mirrors, which means we're risking our lives with a moron who has his pants pulled halfway down wearing a wifebeater who thinks he's hot shit. And if you've tricked out your car so that it's so low to the ground that every bump causes sparks, stick to side roads where you can slow down drastically without fucking the rest of us up.
9. If you have a nice car that is meant to be driven quickly and driven well, and you're driving it like it's a Yugo, I hate you.
10. Just stay home. It will make my life easier.
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If I didn't drive while I talked on the phone, smoked and drank coffee... I'd never get to work.
And we don't want THAT now, do we?
Comments by Miss Britt
We don't have that passing lane law here. My boyfriend has a really hard time grasping it when we're in other states. Please don't hit him.
Comments by Amanda
Number one is important. Remember people, we "overtake" other drivers, not "undertake" them.
Actually I prefer to drive in the left lane. I would get over, but I'm just gonna have to go back to the left lane at some point anyway. So why bother?
Comments by Jay
amen, doc. a-frikken-men!
(why are these rules so damn difficult for folks to comprehend? seriously??)
Comments by hellohahanarf
I think you could run for president with #7.
Comments by Sarah is Ok
I HAVE to text while I drive, I just HAVE to!
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
I have one: If you are from one state (say, Kentucky) and you happen to have gotten lost and drifted across the bridge to another state (say, Indiana), know where the hell you are going and stay out of the way of the people who knew enough to live in the better state (say, Indiana) to start with. Otherwise, get your stupid butt back across the damn bridge to where you belong.
I'm just sayin'.....
J.
PS. If I didn't talk on the phone while I drove, I would never talk to ANYONE!!!
Comments by HoosierGirl
AMEN, ALLELUIA, PRAISE ALL HOLY AVITABLE!!
You have just said what I've been thinking. If people would just follow these rules, my commute to and from work would be so much easier!!!
Comments by This Mom
Umm...I take it you had a bad drive to work this morning.
Comments by Trishk
Oops forgot to subscribe. Why don't you just leave that checked for those of us who are morons?
Comments by Trishk
Britt, I just wish you'd use a hands-free set or something.
Amanda, actually, Missouri does have that law. You are required to avoid obstructing the left lane of the interstate, which means moving over if faster drivers are behind you. Almost every state has some variation of the passing lane law.
Jay, I drive in the left lane, too, but only because I'm passing every car. If someone comes along who's faster than I am, I'll pull over and let them pass me.
Hello, because our driving tests are a joke.
Sarah is OK, maybe I will!
Mr. Fabulous, it's soooo dangerous, though!
HG, do you at least use a hands-free set? I can only drive and talk if I'm on speaker or using a headset. And I don't really see Kentucky or Indiana being superior to the other. . . .
This Mom, I liked your old username better. Why'd you change it from BlondeChick (or was it BlondeBlogger)?
TrishK, my commute consists of rolling out of bed and walking across the house. I did, however, drive to Daytona and back within about four hours yesterday. And the box is supposed to stay checked. I'll look into that.
Comments by Avitable
OK well not too bad, and I accept this "you're a cranky bastard RW" stuff - no problem.
Perhaps I've made a point. Because if I see one more blogger piss and moan about slow drivers, like 1,456,973,785 other bloggers have already done seventeen times each I'm going to have a period, make believe everybody gives a shit, and write about that.
Comments by RW
#3 drives me absolutely batshit crazy!! And I cannot personally concentrate when talking on a cell phone and driving. Although, even though my family knows this about me they continue to call. Fuckers want me dead.
Comments by Peggy
But is it okay to give a driver a blowjob while he's driving? Sometimes I just get bored and have to find something to do!
Comments by metalmom
WTF IS IT with people who can't maintain a consistent speed? The drive on I-25 from Dallas to San Antonio is what I call "the perpetual pass". it's a total crapshoot. You have a 50/50 chance of being behind some fucked up death accident for four hours, or consitently passing the same person over and over because they and their fucking 18 fucking GD kids in the minivan can't decide what to do.
And yes, I am going to go there. Yes, I am going go say it. Certain ethnicities do drive to the stereotype.
Yeah. I went there. And you know who and what I am talking about.
Comments by The Absurdist
A-Fucking-Men !!!! I recently had to drive from Florida to New Jersey twice, and if everyone else on the road could have read(and Understood AND OBEYED) these rules, my ride would have much more enjoyable.
Comments by Paticus
First off I'm from the Masshole state so obviously this isn't directed at me.
Second, I assume masturbation isn't included in #2.
Comments by Robin
I know I live in a weird place, but there are sections of our interstate where the left lane actually is the driving lane because so much traffic is merging onto the interstate that the right lane is for those cars. But that's because we're so "small" that we only ever have two lanes.
Comments by Poppy
While I agree with most of what you said I do have issue with one thing. If I'm going 80+ and I'm in the left lane of a two way highway and you are on my ass - I WILL give you a dirty ass look if there's a slow ass person in the right lane I have to pass to get over and you continue to be on my ass!! I won't go 100 just to get over and make you happy - slow the fuck down!
Comments by Cheri
RW, I think you have definitely made a point. And please don't have a period.
Peggy, I can only talk on my phone and drive when I'm not going at high speeds. Otherwise, I try to avoid it altogether.
Metalmom, it's fine up until that last moment. Then, you're all fucked.
Absurdist, no they don't. I see idiot black drivers, brown drivers, white drivers, yellow drivers, blue drivers, red drivers, and purple drivers.
Paticus, I can't imagine how much that drive must have sucked!
Robin, first, you're not a real Masshole, and second, you are correct!
Poppy, cars should be able to merge with the flow of traffic without having to get over in another lane.
Cheri, that makes sense, and I have no problem with it if there are slower cars in the right. It's when it's an empty lane that it's infuriating.
Comments by Avitable
How am I not a real Masshole? I may not drive like I just broke out of an insane asylum but I have quite a bit of road rage. Oh and I always follow the left lane rule.
Comments by Robin
I'd much rather stay at home, but the rules of the office say no telecommuting because those are the rules. And I liked my car until recently when the FUCKING TURN SIGNALS QUIT WORKING! Most people wouldn't care - to me, that's a deal breaker. Car must die.
Comments by Grant
Robin, you don't have the accent. It's imperative!
Grant, wouldn't that just be a fuse?
Comments by Avitable
That's true ((ashamed))
Comments by Robin
Spare me your technical mumbo-jumbo. Actually, it's an intermittent problem, so I'm guessing a loose connection somewhere in the wiring. It works everytime I'm near a mechanic, and they always tell me they have to see these things fail before they can diagnose the issue. The dome light and a/c have the same problems. Don't buy a Chevy Malibu (not that you would have).
I won't ask you for the name of a good mechanic.
Comments by Grant
Here in Texas, we have very specific patterns of drivers. Must be a Texas thing, because there is ONE thing you CAN count on; a particular blah blah will drive a particular way. Almost no exceptions.
But of course, we are the world HQ for most of the bigot societies of the world.
Comments by Absurdist
I drive according to the letter of the law. That way I can tell the other drivers to go fuck themselves and still fall asleep at night
Comments by bluepaintred
I couldn't agree more and # 10 is the best - just stay the fuck out of my way!
Comments by Chris
Yeah, I have to cross a split 4-lane highway leaving work to go home, & it pisses me off when people driving along in the passing lane won't get over & let me merge in - asshats.
Comments by Tug
where the HELL is my avatar? dammit.
Comments by Tug
I have terrific road rage, my husband swears that one day I'll get us shot. Hee hee. Probably why I don't drive much.
Comments by Amy
I am a Truck Driver and after reading your post I just have a couple of things to say.
If I'm in the passing lane doing 70 in a 65 zone steadily passing vehicles in the left lane and you come flying up on my ass you can wait until I get a clear space in that left lane to move over let you pass and move back over without losing speed .
As far as everything else you said it just makes me believe you have no business with a license as well as most of the others you complained about.
Otherwise I'm sure your a wonderful person, and try to remember at leaste 95% of everything you have from the food you eat to to the clothes you wear to the car you drive and so on was deliverd to where you bought it from by a Truck and try to cut us a little slack. Thanks
P.S. Your smilies are so cool even if this is what you think of me
Comments by Trukindog
Well at least now I have a reason to subscribe to comments...
Comments by Miss Britt
OK OK maybe I over reacted with the no license thing cause you are on the right track with the fact that there are drivers out there doing all kinds of crazy shit behind the wheel that they should not do.
And I agree 100% with #8
Comments by Trukindog
Robin, that's what I thought.
Grant, but I have the name of a sub-par one!
Absurdist, I'm sure there are actually plenty of exceptions. There always are.
BPR, you're one of those fuckers who's going exactly 65 on the interstate when everyone else is trying to go 70 or faster.
Chris, it would make it much easier, wouldn't it?
Tug, merging with the flow is one of those things that so many drivers can't do.
Tug, my Gravatar plugin likes to eat them, I think.
Amy, yeah, I can see that. You'd be the terror of the highway.
Trukindog, if a car is actually using the passing lane to pass another car, that's great. Like I said - it's those cars and trucks that use it as a driving lane that piss me off. I understand the importance of the trucking industry on providing goods to the country - I'm just against those few truckers who tend to be obnoxious about it. I'm sure you know the type that I'm talking about.
Britt, oh, NOW you do? Fucker.
Trukingdog, thanks for the other comment. Other than driving quickly and not being patient with idiots, I'm an excellent driver, with nary an accident in 15 years.
Comments by Avitable
Yes yes there are some truck drivers out there that should not be behind the wheel of any vehicle much less a truck .
Being that I'm just a dumb old trucker can you tell me how to put my avatar on your site and where did the smilies go?
Comments by Trukindog
The Smilies are there - just click "Click for Smilies" and they should appear. You get an avatar by going to http://www.Gravatar.com and creating an account with the same email address you use to comment. Then, on all sites that use Gravatar (which is a lot of them), your avatar will show up.
Comments by Avitable
Unless it eats it like it did mine.
Comments by Tug
Duh , I feel like I just spent 30 min. looking for my keys only to find them in my pocket
Comments by Trukindog
#4. Consistency. I'm all for this, especially when I have MY cruise control set and they decide to spontaneously brake because they were going 90, see a cop, brake, leave half their tires on the road, and creep along at 50. Like the copper hasn't already tagged you. Really.
It's all about consistency.
Comments by NYCWD
I can totally believe that you are an excellent, proactive driver. (I mean you're great at everything, right?)
My biggest problem driving is I daydream - once I even fell asleep. (I got fairly intimate with a guardrail) There's also been a couple of times when other drivers have saved my ass so I'm pretty glad someone out there is paying attention.
Other than that, I'm also an excellent driver. :)
Comments by AnnieB
Trukindog you didn't overreact at all. You're 100% right. Adam shouldn't have a license. No, I think you said that pretty well, actually.
Comments by RW
You are pissing in the wind. I don't make the laws of the road here, even though I vote.
Comments by Poppy
You and I could completely be the same person according to you rules. Minus this - USE your fricking turn signals! If you're too lazy to flick your precious finger which should already be on the steering wheel, then don't get shitty when I blow my horn at you for getting in front of me. I like my horn. I love to use it when someone's on their cell phone and make them look like an asshole to whomever they're speaking to!
I would seriously marry you just over this post. I wish more people drove like us.
Comments by Sybil Law
You should totally teach driver's ed, man. I agreed with every point on your list.
Also, are you related to my husband in some way? He says the exact same things! #1 and #4 were downright eerie!
Comments by Lynda
RW
It's my first time here so I dont want to piss off the host too much but thanks for havin my back.
Comments by Trukindog
Don't mention it. They should revoke his citizenship too while they're at it.
Comments by RW
Tug, I fixed your Gravatar. You have to put in your email exactly, which means lower case.
Trukindog, that's how it is with the simplest things!
NYCWD, exactly.
AnnieB, other than that, eh?
RW, oh, go drive your pretty little Mini, cranky man.
Poppy, you don't rule France?
Sybil, not using turn signals is a huge annoyance for me, too.
Lynda, your husband is clearly a very smart man.
Trukindog, it takes a hell of a lot more than that!
RW, you're about at that age where you should be tested annually to make sure you can keep your driver's license, aren't you?
Comments by Avitable
So if I drive slow in the left lane, while putting on make-up, sitting low in my seat and leaving my turn signal on, you would hate me?
Comments by BlondeBlogger
Sorry...forgot to subscribe.
Comments by BlondeBlogger
Well fuckbuckets - THAT'S all it was? I wonder if that's why e-mail has been going to some outdated weirdass account here, too.
Thinks that make you go hmmmmmmmmm.
Comments by Tug
hee. There it is.
Comments by Tug
Not to mention they should also revoke his birth certificate. Or was that his Hatching Number?
Comments by RW
Why is it that every one on here seems to know how to drive, or at least agree with you on all these points, and yet I feel like I am the only person who understands any of this in the state of Florida? I know you're here, too, and all, but I was pretty sure before I moved here that all Floridians were scared poopless of the color orange, since every time a Florida license plate came near a traffic cone, the car just stopped. dead. in the middle of traffic. And this was both here and back home in South Jersey.
Comments by Allyson
I hate to ask but can you check on my avavtar , I think I did it right but who knows I mean I could'nt find the f&;%*ing smilies
Comments by Trukindog
Oh, he is. A little too smart for his own good sometimes.
In fact, at one point I was going to blog a story about how he said going to put something as his forum sig. I said, "I thought that was your forum sig." He said, "No, it isn't yet." Then I realized it was your blog tagline.
Comments by Lynda
Blondeblogger, depends on if you flashed anyone who honked or not. And by anyone, I mean me.
Tug, see? Piece of cake.
RW, do you have a birth certificate, or is it just carved on stone wall somewhere?
Allyson, I try to surround myself with winners. Where in FL are you?
Trukindog, all set!
Comments by Avitable
Lynda, heh. We ARE alike!
Comments by Avitable
I do rule, but I don't rule France. I rule the school, and stuff.
Comments by Poppy
I think the term is "carved on A stone wall somewhere." You're rattled.
My work here is done...
Comments by RW
Thanks Dude.
Comments by Trukindog
Comments by Crema
I've written this post myself at some point in the not so distant past.
You forgot to mention one of my biggest pet peeves: People who do not understand what MERGE means. I can tell you it DOESN'T mean stopping at the end of the entrance ramp and crying cause no one will get over for you.
BTW, if you recently upgraded your 'subscribe to comments' plugin the author took out the checkbox checked by default setting. I had to reinstall the old version cause I'm too lazy to code the php myself.
Comments by jester
Please add an addendum to #1: DON'T FUCKING PASS ME ON THE RIGHT WHEN THE LANE TO MY LEFT IS EMPTY. This seems to be a growing trend in Northern CA. As if the cops only pull people over who are driving in the left lane. Drives me fucking batshit. BATSHIT! Assholes!
Comments by bobgirrl
There's nothing I enjoy more than being the car that misses the left turn signal because the cow in front of me missed going by 30 seconds because she was putting her blue eye shadow on.
GET DRESSED AND READY FOR WORK AT HOME!!!
Comments by Functionally ReTodded
Sarasota. Minutes from the beach, hours from Disney World. Just how I like it.
Comments by Allyson
LOL! Okay, we're good then. Just ask Fab. He'll know what I mean.
Comments by BlondeBlogger
Did you really just slam Indiana?
I mean, slamming Kentucky I can understand.....
And no, I don't wear a "hands free" set. 4 kids take all my money.
J.
Comments by HoosierGirl
Sweetie, we were separated at birth!
Comments by Coal Miner's Granddaughter
Do you hate all motorcyclists or just the ones who think that they own the road?
Can you come to Minnesota and teach people how to merge when a lane is ending?
Comments by Shelli
SOMEBODY has road rage.
Comments by Sarcastica
Poppy, queen of school, eh?
RW, maybe I was referring to the well-known ancient artifact "stone wall", hmm?
Trukindog, np.
Crema, I don't know if you'll agree with my post on using spell-check, though!
Jester, yeah, I noticed that with the plugin. And I hate it when people can't merge properly.
Bobgirrl, I've done that when it's just seemed easier.
Todd, yeah - when people aren't quickly responsive at lights, I come close to road rage.
Allyson, yeah, but you have to be in Sarasota.
BlondeBlogger, are you a flasher? Hmm.
HG, Indiana is one of those states that you fly over on your way to cool states and think, "Does someone really live there?"
CMG, I knew it!
Shelli, most bikers annoy me, but I'm sure there's an exception here and there.
Sarcastica, says the girl who can't even drive yet.
Comments by Avitable
Soooooo........#11 is that Avitable can't get blowjobs from midget hookers, right?
Comments by Stephanie
Adam, thank you for being one of the few people out there who won't eventually end up making me wish death on them while I scream obscenities from my car because of their shitty fucking driving. Also, avoid driving in Alberta, it's where bad driving is taken to new levels of retardedness.
Comments by Gwen
Stephanie, no, I need those to drive.
Gwen, I'm in Florida. We hold the record on retarded blue-hair driving.
Comments by Avitable
Do they allow addendums to the Rules of the Road booklet? If so, how do I submit these?
Comments by kapgar
How have I survived this long without reading you?
Could you possibly forgive me if I promise that I look like this:
?
Comments by Finn
Comments by Rachel
Kapgar, you can suggest any and all corollaries, amendments, addenda, exceptions in the comments and they will be considered for eventual publication.
Finn, just come here every day before going over to Britt's and you're forgiven!
Rachel, thanks!
Comments by Avitable
You know, you'd think on the day you'd called me a "fucking pig" that you would not taunt me.
Comments by Miss Britt