Thanks to Sheila:
1. If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say?
Thank God! We've been trying so hard and measuring the length and stickiness of my vaginal secretions for months.
2. Do you trust all of your friends?
The question is, do they trust me enough not to check for hidden video cameras.
3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
I'll move wherever Natalie Portman asks me to.
4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Actually, I think God is a big wrinkled purple grape. Yes, that means that everything happens for a raisin.
5. Can you make a dollar in change right now?
Lengthwise or widthwise?
6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?
Let me go play doctor with each of them and report back.
7. Are you afraid of falling in love?
Acid, yes. Love, no.
9. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
Whatever happened to The Noid?
10. What’s your favorite scar?
Britney's C-section scar.
11. When was the last time you flew in a plane?
Has anyone every flown in a fancy?
12. What did the last text message you sent say?
I am standing outside your window.
13. What features do you find most attractive in the preferred sex?
Lack of a penis.
14. Fill in the blank. I love ________.
Mad Libs.
15. What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
Can I fit four people in my underwear?
16. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended time who would you call?
Britt. You just know she's the one who put me there.
17. How many kids do you want to have?
Depends on how hungry I am.
18. Would you make a good parent?
As long as they didn't breach the contract I'd make them sign once they emerged from the womb.
19. Where was your favorite picture taken?
Did it go somewhere?
20. What’s your middle name?
Danger. Wait, no that's my maiden name.
21. Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?
I hope my shoes match my g-string on stage tonight.
22. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
I'd totally hook up with my mom at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance.
23. Who was or will be the maid of honor/ best man in your wedding?
This one or my next one?
24. What are you wearing right now?
A t-shirt that says "Yes I use these to my advantage". That's it.
25. Righty or Lefty?
I write with my right hand. I masturbate with both simultaneously.
26. Best place to eat?
New York City, 1978
27. Favorite jeans?
My acid-washed Levi's that I wear when I drive around listening to Rush sing "Tom Sawyer".
28. Favorite Animal?
As a pet? A monkey.
Sexually? A dolphin.
29. Favorite juice?
Man
30. Have you had the chicken pox?
Is that the one where the doctor has to give you a pill rectally every few hours and he breathes really funny and your back is wet?
31. Have you had a sore throat?
Only after it's my night behind the gloryhole.
32. Ever had a bar fight?
No, but I've had a truck stop.
33. Who knows you the best?
My Tivo.
34. Shoe size?
13. Soft.
35. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
I have perfect eyesight. For now.
36. Ever been in a fight with your pet?
Only when they don't recognize my safeword.
37. Been to Mexico?
I like to sneak over the border and eat a couple of chickens or dogs, leave a big mess, and perpetuate the myth of la chupacabra.
38. Did you buy something today?
I tried to buy my self respect back. Couldn't afford it.
39. Did you get sick today?
No, I gave it.
40. Do you miss someone today?
The day's not over yet.
41. Did you get in a fight with someone today?
Well, I ran up and punched this old lady in the back of the head at the grocery store. She didn't see it coming, and when I left, her left foot was twitching. So I'm not sure what kind of fight that was.
42. When is the last time you had a massage?
I give myself a happy ending every day.
43. Last person to lie in your bed?
We always tell the truth in the bedroom.
44. Last person to see you cry?
My tear ducts were shot off in the war. They're made from aluminum now.
45. Who made you cry?
The creepy Burger King spokesperson.
46. What was the last TV show you watched?
Everybody Loves Raymond's Nuts in their Mouth
47. What are your plans for the weekend?
Deep frying random foods and eating them.
48. Who do you think will repost this?
My fourth, sixth, and twelfth commenters.
49. Who was the last person you hung out with?
An elf, a mage, and a swordsman. Oh, you mean in real life?
50. If your significant other asked you to marry them TODAY, what would you say?
But what about my wife?
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Prove it.
Comments by Miss Britt
Dude, a dolphin? That's sick. Alpacas all the way.
Comments by Karl
Does your mom look like Lea Thompson?
Comments by Amanda
quit talking about dolphin porn!!!
in cabo last wednesday i got the opportunity to do a swim with the dolphins adventure. and you ruined it for me! at one point the dolphin turns upside down and i was to grap his fins so he could pull me around the pool. yep, it was a male dolphin and i was all about worried that i would be belly to belly with a boy dolphin. you fucker. you ruined me.
Comments by hellohahanarf
wait, i am your 4th commenter? no worries, i don't have a blog to steal and repost this...
Comments by hellohahanarf
Since I'm the 6th commentator, I'm off to post this on my blog.
I just KNEW you were the Chupacabra.
Comments by Stephanie
I was curious to see how you'd answer some of those questions. You didn't let me down! (Of course, I feel that my answers are horribly inadequate now.)
Comments by Sheila
Everything happens for a raisin
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Comments by Amy
The Noid is safely locked in a display case in my living room , I had to put the lock on because the little basterd kept trying to sneak in and sodomize me in the middle of the night
Comments by Trukindog
Thank goodness you finally remembered to take your funny pill.
Comments by AnnieB
God, please please don't give Wayne the idea that he should wear acid wash jeans when he goes to see Rush. I will VOMIT.
Comments by The Absurdist
2. No, we don't.
34. This one made me laugh really hard. Cute.
@Abs: Acid wash jeans to see Rush would RAWK. Wayne should TOTALLY DO THAT!
Comments by Poppy
Perfect eyesight? Yeah right! Remember what your dad told you about masturbating???? You'll go blind.
Comments by Trishk
Trishk: And he'll get hairy palms.
This should come as no shock, but I'm stealing this for my blog. I'll make up my own answers though.
Comments by MyWeeWorld
I am sure you need both hands to hold the penis while you maturbate, based on your realistic depiction of it in your cartoons!
Acid washed jeans - that is just WRONG, Rush is great, but the jeans are all WRONG.
Everything else was perfect. For you. Freak.
Comments by Sybil Law
Re 37. Is it you mutilating cows and giving arranging anal probe-ings for ordinary backwater Americans?
Comments by Bec
Britt, you mean, now that you've given me the proof with your post today?
Karl, dolphins are hot.
Amanda, how'd you guess?
Hello, so are you saying you had sex with a dolphin?
Stephanie, and Bigfoot, too.
Sheila, your answers were good and honest.
Amy, thought you'd like that.
Trukindog, he is a little buttfucker.
AnnieB, I know, right? Fucker.
Absurdist, I'm sure he will, with a jean jacket with the collar pulled up.
Poppy, yes you do!
TrishK, what was that? I can't see your comment.
MyWeeWorld, I knew you'd take it.
Sybil, freak of awesomeness!
Bec, no, but I do stalk through the forest and make people think I'm Bigfoot.
Comments by Avitable
Ok, fine, I do. I trust 100% that there is, in fact, a hidden camera.
Comments by Poppy
I have a crush on tivo but have yet to have a rendezvous unfortunately.
Comments by Robin
Poppy, excellent.
Robin, he'll know when you're ready.
Comments by Avitable
I just stole your meme–thanks!
Comments by Christine
Christine, no, no. Thank you.
Comments by Avitable