It's not always about being funny.

Censored

Saw this at Shelli’s and Jasmine’s and decided to do it here:

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say or That I Should Say to Certain People:

  1. Grow up and start acting your age. Figure out what you want with your life and stop relying on everyone as a crutch. It’s pathetic.
  2. You’re ugly on the inside and that’s why people don’t like you.
  3. I wish I could have taken down the story of your life before you died. I’m sorry I wasn’t there during your last few days.
  4. I can’t believe that you hid your smoking from me for that many years. You should be ashamed of yourself.
  5. In some small way, I blame you for what happened. And I resent your refusal to accept my help.
  6. You’re such a sheep that you couldn’t even understand it if I drew a picture. Your stereotypes and ridiculous assertions make you look like a jackass.
  7. I want you to laugh more and stop getting so angry.
  8. I’m really hurt by your decision to embrace someone who was so hateful to me and the ones I love.
  9. For years, I’ve dreamed of thousands of ways that I could destroy you for what you did. Someday I will put those plans into action.
  10. You’re a pathetic little gossip and I know the things you’ve said in private. You’re hateful and spiteful and I feel bad for your husband because of the way you make him follow you around like one of those dogs that you had sex with as a kid.

Just a disclaimer – if you’re reading this, it’s not about you.

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69 Replies to “Censored”

  1. Bec

    The only ones I didn’t feel some afinity with is #10 and #4… and that’s because I’m not married, and don’t smoke.

    And I would have said this out loud had I not been at work on a P.O.S. PC.

  2. Avitable

    Stephanie, you can’t be a sheepy jackass?

    Dave, only about you smoking for so many years.

    Stephanie, congratulations! Where is Amanda, now that I think of it?

    BPR, shhhh. She’ll hear you.

    Jester, a certain song by Carly Simon comes to mind.

    Jay, revenge planning is fun.

    Turnbaby, I’d never say anything bad about Jigsaw!

    MsFreud, it’s okay if they know. They should know, right?

    RW, because she’s a big ol ‘gossip.

    Metalmom, could be #1, eh?

    Bec, yeah? Because your awesome Mac would allow you to record shit.

    Britt, just show me your boobs. That will make everything better.

    Amy, I think you should do it!

    Grant, I do that already.

    Absurdist, it’s refreshing.

    Sarcastica, you’re #4.

    Golfwidow, from what I know of you, #1 doesn’t seem applicable.

    Robin, I like Kevin.

    CMG, I looooove you.

  3. hellohahanarf

    this was a great post for me to read today. thanks.

    p.s. if you need help with number 9, i have a wheelbarrow and a shovel. and i know how to use them. call me. i’ll be there.

  4. bluepaintred

    i think you should know that on a blog such as this I will never be able to push play on the audio comments.

    I tried on the above one and the first thing I (and the three kids under five sitting with PB&J’s at the table behind me) heard was “dog Sex”

    So. new rule. Any interesting comments must be typed so I do not miss them

  5. Avitable

    Hello, awesome. I may just do that. Allegedly.

    Gwen, you smoke closets?

    TMP, awww.

    Em, this is Jigsaw:

    jigsaw avitable

    DB, it’s okay. I forgive you. If you send me a picture of your boobs.

    Tug, I just didn’t want any of my readers to think I’m talking about them. This is focused entirely on my offline life.

    Clown, dog sex you!

    BPR, just tell them it said dog’s ex. As in an ex-girlfriend.

    Maman, yes, it does.

    Liquid, yup!

    Sarcastica, suuuuure. Pass the roach clip.

    Jam, well, your blog is “The Doggy Did It”, so I’ll just assume that “It” is “Boned my Butt”.

    Robin, what? You mean you’re not 19?

  6. Gina

    :boobs2:

    Wouldn’t it be great if we could (even for one day) tell everyone exactly what we think? Though I would be afraid of what others might also tell me, them too uncensored and all.

    I did one of these on my blog sometime back. It feels good to do these now and again.

  7. MsBatman

    I love how some people just assume you are talking about them and then go ream you out on their blog for assuming something they wrote/said was about you.

    So, you should ask them, which would you like to be today, the pot or the kettle?

    Just saying

  8. Avitable

    Britt, you’re angry AND you laugh.

    Robin, I meant age 19.

    Gina, yeah, it’s nice to do.

    Janelle, might be. 8 of them are about you.

    Ms. Batman, the funny thing is, this has nothing to do with that dried up old cunt, either. I tried to leave a comment on there telling her to grow the fuck up because she’s just as guilty of what she’s accusing others of doing, but she only allows registered commenters to leave comments, and apparently she decided to delete my registration like the whiny little immature twat that she is.

  9. Clown

    Britt, If this is a work friendly blog then

    Avitable… That is NOT Jigsaw. That WAS Jigsaw.
    Kind of like showing a baby picture of a teenager when somebody asks to see your kid.

    I wish you had a teenager.

    Hooray for Fryday!

  10. Tug

    Yeah, I get that. I think the picture of jigsaw cut off the comment ‘answers’ under the picture, ’cause I just checked in to see what else you’d answered – it didn’t come through.

    Did any of that make sense? It’s Friday thanktheLORD. :martini:

  11. Avitable

    BPR, that’s the thing. It doesn’t even matter. She’s so far under the radar and I care so little about her, that it’d be better if she just gave up and focused on knitting.

    Clown, you wish I had a teenage boy that you could molest.

    Karen, it’s good to get them out there. Thanks, though.

    Tug, it did? Did it work by email at least? It works for me, though.

  12. Tug

    Dude. The rest of your comment answers UNDER the picture…just that one ‘answer session’ is what didn’t come through. Your answers to DB through Robin on that post.

    Is it time to start drinking yet?

  13. Allyson

    Oh! Jigsaw is soooo cute! it’s the first picture I’ve seen of her.

    And um… nice list, too. I don’t feel I have one of those inside me, because I finally stopped being friends with or in any other way assosiated with the people in my life who would have inspired one.

  14. Avitable

    Clown, yuk. Sloppy pedo seconds.

    Karen, no, feel free!

    Allyson, she’s a bit older now, but I love that picture of her younger. Many of mine are family so I can’t just easily dissociate myself from them.

  15. BlondeBlogger

    Oh my gosh, I love your doggie!!!!! How old is she? She’s so adorable!

    And I haven’t been reading you long, so I was surprised by your post. I thought you were all rough and tough and those were some really heartfelt statements. I love the tough-on-the-outside by soft on the inside kind of guys!

  16. Girl, Dislocated

    What’s really sad is that so many people who read this (including me) have people in their lives that the things on your list need to be said to.

    I like this idea a lot. One day, I’ll get around to doing it on my blog.

    And the webcam/audio comment options are neat!

  17. Avitable

    Allyson, nah, I didn’t think it was holier than thou.

    BlondeBlogger, she’s almost 4 now. That’s an old picture. And I’m filled with caramel on the inside.

    Mr. Fabulous, I don’t think it would ruin you. Just some of your readers.

    Peggy, hallelujah.

    Nina, I can’t wait for my socks!

    Liquid, maybe it should be, angry Asian woman.

    Crystal, quiet you.

    Girl, Dislocated, I bet you could say 10 things to each family member!

    Y2K, ever been in a Turkish prison?

    Kapgar, then we’d know to stay away from them!

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