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Lazy Sunday XXVII

Thanks to Poppy:

1. Are you taller than your best friend?
Only when erect.

2. Do you have a favorite type of pen?
Pig.

3. Look at your planner; what were your plans for January 15th?
Anal bleaching.

4. What color are your toenails usually?
The color of horror and screaming.

5. What was the last thing you highlighted?
Something of utmost importance.

6. What color are the curtains in your bedroom?
No curtains. They get in the way of the photographers and paparazzi.

7. What color are the seats in your car?
Between “meh” to “blah”.

8. Have you ever had a black and white cat?
For dinner?

9. What is the last thing you put a stamp on?
My tongue.

10. Do you know anyone who lives in Japan?
Know in the biblical sense?

11. Why did you withdraw cash from the ATM the last time?
My dealer doesn’t take Visa.

12. Last baby you held?
I held a food baby for the whole drive home last night.

13. Can you spell well?
Nho

14. Do you like cinnamon toothpaste?
On hot dogs.

15. How fast have you driven in a car before?
We went plaid.

16. Pick one: Miami Hurricanes or Florida Gators?
Naple Avitables

17. Last time you went to Six Flags?
We’re too cheap to go to Six Flags. We go to One Flag. It has a small train pulled by an old man who tells stories about ought-two.

18. Do you have any wallpaper in your house?
We actually decorate with gift wrap.

19. Closest thing to you that is yellow?
My urine.

20. Last person who gave you a business card?
My penis pump sales rep – he’s new.

21. Who was the last person you wrote a check or money order to?
I don’t remember but my body wouldn’t cash it.

22. Closest framed picture to you?
Persistence of Avitable, by my friend Marisa

23. Last time you had someone cook for you?
Every time I eat out at a restaurant.

24. Have you ever felt you weren’t good enough?
To win an urban dance contest?

25. How many emails do you get in your inbox daily (excluding spam)?
Depends if it’s a busy day at alt.rec.goldenshowers.

26. Last time you received flowers?
At my coming out party as a debutante.

27. What’s one thing you live for?
Outliving everyone else.

28. Do you play air guitar?
Only during an air show.

29. Has anyone ever proposed to you?
I’ve been married 43 times.

30. Do you take anything in your coffee?
Diet Coke.

31. Do you have any Willow Tree figurines?
Are those like Garbage Pail Kids?

32. How many books have you read in the last year?
80,000, but I only read books of stamps.

33. Last person you spoke to from high school?
Well, she’s a junior named Mandy.

34. Last time you used hand sanitizer?
Right after shaking hands with that Jehovah’s Witness.

35. Would you like to learn to play the drums?
I’ll have to think about this. Clearly it’s the most important decision of my life.

36. What color are the blinds in your living room?
Mauve-green.

37. Have you ever developed your own film?
No, but I’ve produced my own pictures.

38. Last thing you read in the newspaper?
What’s a newspaper?

39. What was the last pageant or play you attended?
The Erotic Adventures of the Catholic Boarding School. It was an excellent live show.

40. What is the last place you bought pizza from?
A guy with a velour jumpsuit on who said they fell off of a truck.

41. Have you ever worn a crown?
Only when I was Queen of England.

42. What is the last thing you stapled?
My nuts to a dog.

43. Did you ever drink clear Pepsi?
Yes. Well, no. It was turpentine.

44. Are you ticklish?
Only on my left kidney.

45. Last time you saw fireworks?
When that cartoon bird hit me.

46. Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut?
Give me three minutes.

47. Who is the last person that left you a message, and you actually returned it?
I haven’t checked my voicemail since 1992.

48. Last time you parked under a carport?
I’ve never parked under a car. And my name’s not Port.

49. Do you have a black dog?
No, but I have blue balls.

50. Can you give one reason why David Caruso is allowed to keep acting?
Redheads run the Jews who run the media.

51. Are you an aunt or uncle?
Both on Drag Night Thursdays.

52. Who has the most gorgeous eyes that you know of?
My mirror. But only when I’m looking in it.

53. Last time you saw a semi truck?
I have a semi in my pants right now.

54. Do you remember Ugly Kid Joe?
I used to request his song to different people all the time.

55. Do you have a little black dress?
Yes but I save it for special occasions.

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28 Replies to “Lazy Sunday XXVII”

  1. hellohahanarf

    i am not sure if it is because of the time (not even 5 am) or because you truly are brilliant, but i found this post incredibly funny. like laugh out loud, your funniest lazy sunday yet.
    :clap:

    (you do know that i am using a variation on the car went plaid comment the next time someone gives me shit about driving too fast, right? thanks.)

  2. Maman

    Perhaps it is a bit too early for me, but how is that related to Poppy’s meme exactly?

    Oh, and I thought David Caruso was still acting so we could create drinking games…

    Hands on his hips = a sip
    Crouched position = a gulp
    Hands on his hips while in a crouched position = a chug.

  3. Avitable

    Poppy, it took until #53 before you thought it was funny?

    BPR, hah! Nice find.

    Dee, it’s like a Dirty Sanchez.

    Hello, it’s because I’m brilliant.

    Absurdist, the hair on my ass keeps me warm.

    Britt, :violent029:

    AnnieB, oh, you’re right. I got the 15th confused with the 17th.

    Maman, it’s the same meme she did.

    Sarcastica, no, clearly you have an advanced sense of humor.

    Poppy, it’s my “thing”!

  4. Amber

    Fact: You’ve got a great sense of humor and have me laughing out loud almost every time I read your blog.

    Another fact? I have not a clue where you come up with some of this shit. Funny, but completely random and… not stuff most people would come up with.

    Is it easy for you? I think it would take me days to come up with some of the answers that you seem to have effortlessly! 🙂

    Fact: You make memes that are usually pretty boring funny, entertaining, and absolutely outrageous.

    Thanks! 🙂

  5. Zom

    ok ……. I went out and bought a “deep fryer”!!!!!!!!
    I was scared though, and only (so far) have gotten shrimp, hush puppies, and taquito’s .
    TOMORROW however……… Ima deep fry EVERYTHING….. including that “fuckin’ dog” ……. “muffin ……. cmere MUFFIN! ….. MUFFIN! . get in the fuckin’ Basket” “yip” ……. mmmmmmmmm ……..tastes like ……….(OMG) ……….CHICKEN!

  6. Avitable

    Hello, girl, you know it’s true. Ooh ooh ooh . . .

    Amber, some of them are easy. Some of them I just have to be completely random or I can’t answer.

    Sybil, I thought I had seen it before Poppy’s, too.

    Kylah, the webcam comments are new – you should try it out. Naked only, though.

    Zom, try Oreos.

    B.E. Earl, he’s slightly tougher than Carrot Top.

  7. Avitable

    Awesome! Here’s a cookie. Let me just add the toppings first. :jerkoff2:

    Starting next week or the week after, I’m actually planning on having a contest where I’ll include a movie reference somewhere in my Lazy Sunday and we’ll see who guesses it.

    This was just a test to see how quick some people are. You don’t win anything except my admiration.

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