Fucking NASCAR.
Last night, Amy and I decided to head over to the beach to eat dinner. There’s a little restaurant called Snack Jack’s that is right on the beach in Flagler, two towns north of Daytona. It’s about 50 miles away, but the weather was so nice that we couldn’t imagine a better time to go sit outside and eat dinner with the ocean only about twenty feet away.
Dinner was over around 8:30.
Do you know what else was over around then?
The Daytona 500.
I guess one of the ramifications of never reading a newspaper or watching the news is that you miss out when one of the biggest events in the area is occurring. You also miss out on the one reason not to go within 100 miles of Daytona Beach.
For our punishment, we got to travel on I-4 back to Altamonte Springs along with 190,000 of our newly discovered friends who were all leaving the racetrack en masse. And I’ve never seen so many stickers of Calvin peeing on something in my entire life.
This wonderful experience of sharing the road with thousands of idiots, rednecks, and morons just cemented my dislike and confusion when it comes to racing. One of my very oldest friends loves it (sorry, Brent), and although I respect his opinion in almost every other area, I cannot grasp what he enjoys about this so-called sport.
As you may know, I’m already against spectator sports. I have a hard enough time understanding why people want to live vicariously through the physical activity of a bunch of steroid-enhanced criminal lowlifes. But at least that’s watching physical achievement of some sort. NASCAR, on the other hand, is about watching cars drive in circles. And, if you’re lucky, one of the cars will crash. Is it worth watching circuit after circuit for 500 laps just to see one or two crashes? I can’t possibly imagine that it is.
How do you get psyched up to watch cars drive? Can you talk strategy? I can only imagine what fans say to each other during the interminable race:
“Yeah, he really kept his foot on the gas pedal and turned the wheel really well.”
“Did you see how quickly he stopped the car so that the pit crew could change his tires?”
“Wow – they just drove by in about a second and a half, and now I can’t see them anymore. What a rush!”
“This is more fun than our last Klan rally!”
“I’m going to buy Valvoline because he drove around the track so expertly!”
“Did you see how he stayed behind that other guy and then at the last minute, pulled in front of him??”
“Wow, his hands were totally not at 10 and 2 but he still won!”
“After this, we should go get plastered and drive our trucks in the mud through the woods randomly!”
“I’m so glad I bought these tickets rather than paying for Kid #4′s braces!”
Enjoy this post? Try these:Movie Review: Sour Milk
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i think i love you.
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Twitter: Amanda234
says:
I agree. I can see the enjoyment of actually racing cars, but watching is dumb. If it’s something I do everyday, just faster, it’s not a sport.
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while i don’t watch nascar, can’t get into it, i can sort of understand why folks do.
(ducking while avi’s head explodes)
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
NASCAR sucks. Even the wrecks aren’t cool anymore.
And all those fans smoking generic cigarettes while waving the Confederate flags are sooooo charming.
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Twitter: karensugarpants
says:
Ha. We watched some race thing tonight with 500 in the name, and I was thinking some of those same things. And now I know why my father-in-law looked at me like I was a fucking idiot when I said, “It’s so cool to watch the pit crew. They go so fast.”
He replied (sarcastically), “Yeah but they just drop those nuts everywhere.”
I mean really, how fucking stupid do we sound?
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
Boy, that Ryan Newman sure made left turns at high speeds better them other guys.
I hate Nascar so much that I even hate “Talladega Nights” for making fun of it.
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You mentioned the Calvin peeing thing… but I’m shocked that you didn’t mention the RIP’s for Dale Earnhardt (or who the fuck ever, I don’t care!) on the back windows of cars. I think I see more of those around here than the Calvin peeing thing… jeebus help me.
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
I kindof had the same kind of blunder, but in my case, I forgot it was my 5yr old’s baseball tryouts. I had driven him 90 miles away for the weekend to stay with relatives so I could do some construction and totally forgot.
But the good news is, since he’s brand new, tryouts are optional – he’ll get on a team no matter what. This is t-ball after all.
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Heh heh. I can imagine what it was like to be trapped in the car with you trying to get home.
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Twitter: Readerwrites
says:
The only good thing I have to say about Nascar is that sometimes the drivers die when their cars crash.
Wow. I might be a total bitch.
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Heh. Um.. yeah… sorry about that.
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Twitter: Kapgar
says:
I love playing racing games on whatever video game console I have. I even enjoy the NASCAR-themed games specifically. But watching that shit either live or on TV? Hell no. Unless they get to ram each other intentionally and we see body parts fly, I’m not tuning in.
100 miles? I would think three states. You’re cursed by being in the heart of racing country. I don’t envy you.
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So I get why rednecks like NASCAR. What I don’t get is why normally sophisticated people like bankers and my dad (ha ha) love it. I just had a conversation this weekend with a couple who claim to love “the sport”. Vomit.
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My nephew is a NASCAR-certified mechanic. I’m not kidding.
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Woo Hoo! Nascar is back! Yeah!
Actually our conversations are more like…”don’t you love that lovely shade of red on Kasey’s car?” or “woops, guess there are M&M’s all over the track now” sometimes we even cuss a little bit “did you see how that F***tard Gordhead almost hit Tony?”
Poor Avi-ummm..just a heads up…they come back to Daytona in July, the first Saturday. You may not want to head to dinnner then either.
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I think we’re twins separated by parents. I cannot STAND Nascar and I don’t get people’s fascination with it.
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Flutter, me too. I mean, I love me too.
Amanda, just faster, and in circles!
Hello, you can? ARRAGARHAGARAHGAEGA HEGAGHAGEHAGEAGAEGAGAHEG-poof.
Jay, but a Confederate flag is great home decor, don’t you think?
Karen, why were you watching it in the first place?
B.E. Earl, I’m assuming Ryan Newman is one of the “athletes”.
Amy, oh yeah – plenty of those, too. Along with big old “W” stickers.
Wayne, do you want your Father of the Year trophy now or later?
Mr. Fabulous, I’m surprisingly even-tempered. I just bottle it all up for later.
Nina, wow! I think I’m in love.
Britt, “Britt, did you know today is the 500?” “Yeah, so? Ohhhhhhhh.”
Kapgar, I love playing racing games – they’re very fun. But until they lace the track with random mines or race on an busy intersection, I do not get it.
ADW, and you’re a football fan!
Poppy, does he do oil changes at light-speed?
Trish, you’re one of those? Sigh. Were you there last night?
Karl, if I wanted to watch something walk in circles, I’d buy a hamster.
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Ew, I HATE nascar and all that crap.
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Again, I’m soooo sorry.
And sooooo glad that for once you couldn’t throw me under the bus because you had already taken credit for the idea! HA!
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I actually live about 5 minutes south of the Texas motor speedway…believe it or not, there are a few nascar/racing fans in Texas.
Every weekend during racing season there is no sense even getting near the freeways if you want to get anywhere. Oh, and I don’t suggest stopping at any of the local gas stations, lest you be visually assaulted by endless mullets, barefoot, bare chested, inbred, morons swilling bud light while filling their RV’s with enough beer to intoxicate a small 3rd world country.
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OMG that’s right! I had to stop at the gas station this morning off of 1-4 and someone was buying Busch Light at 8 am BAREFOOT! In the store!
There was a fucking SLEW of rednecks in that place!!
Which is odd, because I thought I had proven with my early morning excursions to Wal-Mart that rednecks sleep in…
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Hell no I was not there. We watch from home, by the pool, with wine and martinis….and lots of friends.
Does this flaw in my character ban me from your bloggin world?
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His employer charges by the hour, so… no. But he can.
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Football is an actual SPORT. One with forethought, planning and a need for some intelligence. NASCAR is making left turns for 12 hours. M’kay?
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
But c’mon…at least you get to see all different styles of mullets.
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Yeah and they were all driving so SLOW right?
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Years ago I lived within 3 miles of the Atlanta Motor Speedway (located, naturallly, about 25 miles South of Atlanta) so twice a year I had to plan to drive to my place via the country back roads (which were still clogged), then hunker down for the weekend because every store and restaurant in the area was packed with NASCAR fans. I should have followed the example of the local churches and daycare centers and rented out my lawn for parking.
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
Yeah, ummmmm, NASCAR is a total joke and no one will convince me otherwise. It was an excuse for moonshiners to legally race their souped up autos and now it’s an excuse for drunk rednecks to legally gather.
Can’t you tell that I’m not a fan, either?
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You don’t have to tell Bossy twice: eww.
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Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
I bet you used to play Pole Position in the arcade and never made it past the 5th lap.
I bet you can’t find a can of PB&R in town right now either.
I understand your anger.
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Christie, you’re not a fan of perpetually circular driving?
Britt, yeah, I kind of bit myself in the ass on that one.
Jam, when I used to live in Daytona, that was a big consideration during the races and during Bike Week.
Trishk, no, I guess I’ll let you in. Sighhhhhh.
Poppy, see – that is a good skill. Unlike being able to drive in a circle.
ADW, ha! Forethought, planning and intelligence? We are talking about throwing a ball back and forth, right?
Robin, I am well versed in mulletology now.
RW, see? I purposely didn’t even mention anything like that, just for you.
Grant, you could have made a fortune.
CMG, so how do you really feel?
Bossy, well put.
NYCWD, PB&R? Peanut Butter & Relish?
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now THERE’s a mental image…
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Yummmm…. Snap Jacks! Love that snook and those puppies. Best restaurant in Ormond.
But seriously… from which planet did you land? You live in Florida and managed to miss that the Daytona 500 was happening?
Call us rednecks & all that, but try to stay in your seat at an actual race when the cars fly by at 200 MPH within 2 inches from each other… Adrenaline Rush! Oh … and while you’re at it… consider which other sport employs aerodynamic engineers to strategize it’s plays (it’s physics, people). I’ll wager the Nascar strategists any day against the college drop-out thugs in football. Ever hear of a Nascar driver getting arrested for dogfights, Ho beatings, gang involvement, drugs? Nope… didn’t think so ….
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Britt, I can send you an actual image if you want.
Wonderer, I don’t read the paper and I don’t watch the news. It didn’t even occur to me! Do you live in Daytona? I didn’t realize you lived in the area.
You won’t be able to win any arguments with me by comparing racing with other sports. I find spectator sports to be even more recockulous!
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Last year my secret Santa at work got me NASCAR mugs and plates. I thought, “what the fuck am I supposed to do with this redneck shit?”.
So yeah, I feel ya….
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What exactly is the fascination with Calvin peeing on stuff? When did that become the new insult?
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I don’t wear a mullet, own a Confederate flag, or shop convenience stores for beer barefooted at 8m. I’m an intelligent, well-educated woman, and a proud NASCAR fan. I watch it on TV and attend several races a year. I could try to explain my fascination with the physics of driving and setting up the cars for different racing conditions, or the skill of the drivers and crew, but I think it’s one of those things that you either get it or you don’t. However, I do think it’s embarrassingly narrow-minded and terribly unoriginal to stereotype all NASCAR fans as rednecks and Klan members. I’ve heard this before, and I’m sure I will hear it again; such is life.
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Avi, we who read you regularly know that you don’t read newspapers, watch news, etc. But you do read blogs. If you had been a good blogging buddy and stopped by my little ole blog on Sunday, you would have seen that a little tiny race would be happening. In Daytona.
If you had stopped by to say Hi, I could have saved you a lot of heartache. But you didn’t.
Sighhhhh…..
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I live in the hellhole called South Florida, but my kid lives in Ormond Beach (just a few miles from Snap Jacks). Another kid attends UCF there and my auntie lives in Windermere so we’re pretty much in your area 1/3 of the year.
I envy your Orlando ‘city on a hill’ existence.
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Hilly, you could probably bring it back to Wal-mart and return them.
Jenny, I’m not sure. It’s one of those horrible things that started showing up on pick-up trucks and spread like redneck wildfire.
LizB, an intelligent, well-educated woman would have seen that (a) I didn’t stereotype all NASCAR fans as rednecks – in fact, my oldest friend is a fan, and (b) I was surmising what some people might be saying to each other at the races. There is no inference that every person who attends the races is a Klan member. Don’t read stereotypes into a place where they don’t exist.
TrishK, I was busy and didn’t get around to reading blogs this weekend. Boy, I wish I had!
Wonderer, I lived in Ormond Beach for almost 20 years. Orlando’s a bit better, but I’ll take Los Angeles any day.
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OK, how do I break this down for someone with a vagina???
OK, here goes…. They have these things called game plans where each person at the line of scrimmage has to follow his portion of the plan. There is a simple objective (get to the endzone and score a touchdown) with many complex moves to be made before achieving said objective. It’s a bit like chess with live people. For every one move there are hundreds or thousands of potential countermoves. Except, unlike chess, EVERY player on the field (AKA board) moves at the same time. Oh crap this is getting complex.
To save time now, I will just say that ABBA rules, especially when played at high volumes and I love you even though you are a girlie man.
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ADW, You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen . . . sorry, what?
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My response was as much to your other commentators as it was to you, but like I said, it’s not like I haven’t heard this all before. I think you’re pretty damn cool anyway.
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LizB, everybody knows my commenters are a bunch of bloodthirsty lunatics and sex fiends anyway.
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Your quote sugar—
“”"”How do you get psyched up to watch cars drive? Can you talk strategy? I can only imagine what fans say to each other during the interminable race:
“This is more fun than our last Klan rally!”"”"”
Your comment to LizB:
“”LizB, an intelligent, well-educated woman would have seen that (a) I didn’t stereotype all NASCAR fans as rednecks – in fact, my oldest friend is a fan, and (b) I was surmising what some people might be saying to each other at the races. There is no inference that every person who attends the races is a Klan member. Don’t read stereotypes into a place where they don’t exist.”"
Had you put the modifier and made it “some fans say” in your original comment your point would be correct. However you did not.
I’m very intelligent, have a law degree I use, and have always been a NASCAR fan. My father drove stock cars and managed to finish second in the “Classic” division one year. (yes I know you do not know or care about the nuances of the divisions). And yes I’m completely aware of the stereotypes people tend to lob at NASCAR fans. I don’t give a rat’s ass.
Not trying to ‘convince’ anyone– I do think you ‘get it’ or you don’t.
And I just have to say this–even if you don’t read papers or watch the news–how could you NOT know???? LOLOLOL
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Turnbaby, clearly it’s reasonable to assume that I was unable to list what all 190,000 fans present at the race were saying to each other. As a result, this is clearly a cross-section of what some fans, not all fans, could be saying to each other. The “some” is clearly inferred from the context of the statement.
And your implication that I don’t use my law degree is based on a flawed assumption. I use it to weigh down some comic books in my office so they don’t blow away.
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Twitter: Amanda234
says:
I filled in for someone in a different office so she could go see a race, and she thanked me by buying me a shirt. So I am a proud owner of a nascar shirt. It’s still in the plastic wrap, shockingly.
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i just LOVED adw’s explaination. :clap:
avi, i don’t think i am blood thirsty. maybe vodka thirsty. and rarely am i a lunatic. although the sex fiend fits. :finger:
turnbaby’s “sugar” melts me immediately. love it. :heartbeat:
(damn, apparently i don’t want to work this afternoon, but would prefer to play with your smilies.)
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LOLOLOL
That’s about right!
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Amanda, I think you should wear it to bed tonight and see what your bf says.
Hello, definitely a sex fiend.
Turnbaby, I also like to smack people around with it figuratively.
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Think of it this way. You spent quality time in the car with your wife and 190,000 of your closest redneck friends! LOL
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Ballsack
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Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
PBR= Pabst Blue Ribbon.
The offical real beer of rednecks, hillbillies, and therefore NASCAR.
Don’t let the name fool you. It tastes like shit.
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My Mum and Brother are huge F1 fans. They love watching the entire race on TV… every two weeks on a Sunday (with qualifiers on Saturday) for about 2 and a half hours a piece.
It makes me feel like :violent018: the TV which of course is a sin.
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I actually watched about the last 5 laps of the race. I don’t have the patience for all the other laps. I know so many people who love NASCAR, so I watch the end to hold a conversation. Haha
However, I really don’t get it, either. Although, it’s hot as hell in those cars, riding around superfast and trying not to get killed or kill anyone else AND trying to keep some semblance of patience and getting tires changed, etc – I’d say it’s a helluva lot harder than it seems. I think it would be a lot of fun to go out on the track and drive really fast and see how well I’d do.
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You might not want to go near Daytona 2 weeks from now.
(Bike Week!)
:woohoo:
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TrishK, good idea. Always look on the bright side, eh?
ADW, vagineriffic?
NYCWD, I think that of all beer.
Bec, I think shooting the TV is actually a saintly act.
Sybil, I’m sure the driving part is hard, but I don’t know why you’d want to watch someone do that.
Uncle Dan, shit. I hate Bike Week!
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Aw shit, I came here hoping to see you get your ass kicked! I want my money back!
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Oh Annie you just have to keep checking back–I’m certain Adam will get his ass kicked–see it’s the suspense *giggling*
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AnnieB, who’d want to kick my ass?
Turnbaby, nah, all y’all Nascar fans are too busy drinking PBR and telling jokes about minorities to kick my ass.
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No sugar -I meant by Britt and the suspense is about what you’ve done and precisely how she chooses to do it
Oh and PBR tastes like total shit and will give you a headache by just smelling it.
But the DAWG has it totally wrong–PBR does not sponsor a car–why would any self respecting NASCAR fan drink it? It’s wrestling fans that love PBR.
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I don’t have that kind of time right now to give you a list, but what I was referring to in my comment was ardent NASCAR fans. (Duh)
Yeah, turnbaby, your’re spot on … I think Bud replaced Coors as the official sponsor. They don’t have a Diet-Coke car so Avi’s not interested.
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Turnbaby, oh, yeah. She kicks my ass on a regular basis.
AnnieB, NASCAR fans don’t even know what the word “ardent” means.
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Twitter: karensugarpants
says:
it was on @ the in-laws – i think for daren’s retarded uncle – he loves that shit.
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You would like Jeff Dunham’s skit with Big Daddy D. They talk about NASCAR being a stupid sport. “OH look their making another LEFT turn, Oh look ANOTHER LEFT turn… I wonder what’s going to happen next? Come back in three minutes and you wouldn’t have missed a damn thing!”
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Karen, sure, sure. Excuses!
Fogspinner, Dunham is pretty funny – Achmed the Dead Terrorist is my favorite.
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Hahahahaha! I totally agree! LOVE the fan commentary especially.
On another note, can I move in with you? I am meant to live near the ocean and am determined to make it happen somehow!
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BlondeBlogger, well, we are a clothing optional house. You okay with that?
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You wrote: AnnieB, NASCAR fans don’t even know what the word “ardent” means.
Does your friend Brent know what ardent means? No, you’re not stereotyping NASCAR fans at all.
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LizB, that was just for you, actually. Heh.
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javascript:moreSmiliesAappendSmiley(‘:jerkoff2:’)
jerkoff2
:::smiles sweetly:::
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That’s weird that it put that code in there, or did you copy and paste it or something?
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Nope, just clicked your smiley. Odd. Let’s try again: :boobs4:
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OK, boobie dance is OK but not jerk-off? Misogyny? Haha. Happy Saturday, either way.
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LizB, well, I am pro-boobs.
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