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Avitapope in the house

Church of Holy Avitableness

As most of you know, I have my own church – The Church of Holy Avitableness.

We don’t do mass. There’s no collection plate. We don’t have a church building. There are no vestments. I don’t even have a Holy Book!

What we do have, though, is CONFESSION.

It’s good for the soul. It’s good for the heart. It’s downright good for you.

And today on Avitable.com is Confession Day.

Today’s comments are for confessions. You don’t have to be specific. You can log out and confess as Anonymous. You can confess whatever sin you want, no matter how small or how momentous. Confess something that you’d never post on your own blog – you don’t have to worry about your readers seeing it here. Confess something that you’ve just wanted to get off of your chest. Confess something that you don’t really care about. You can make it a general confession about a sin, or you can make it a specific confession to a specific person who can remain nameless or be named.

It doesn’t matter. Just confess.

I’ll start:

Confession #1:

When I worked at a video store, and later at a mall movie store, I stole over 400 VHS tapes for my own personal movie collection. At the movie store, I would have a friend come in with my list of movies, plus a few for himself, and he’d pull them from the shelves, come over to the cash register, where I would pretend to ring him out, scan the movies so they wouldn’t set off the security, and then put them in a bag with a fake paper receipt, and he’d walk out. At the video store, I would take movies off of the shelves, delete them from the system, and then put them in my bag that I would take with me at the end of the night.

Confession #2:

I like to lie to the Burger King people and tell them that they forgot to give me a Hershey’s Sundae Pie last time I went through the drive-through, and they always give me one for free.

Confession #3:

I am very guilty of envying other people’s possessions and success, and I will typically try to do whatever I can to reach the same level or take them down a notch to my level.

Okay, it’s your turn. Let’s hear it!

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96 Replies to “Avitapope in the house”

  1. Amanda

    I was driving along a country road late at night. I saw a car pulled over with it’s flashers on. I saw an old man sorting through his trunk, presumably looking for his jack. I pulled over to help him, then realized there was no one around. So I killed him. Then ate him.

  2. Hilly

    I spent 30 days in the county jail once. I’ll generally tell the story to people I meet in person but won’t blog about it in case work ever finds my blog, ahem.

    By the way, whatever thief ;).

  3. bluepaintred

    pfft. even if I logged out and came back as annon, there are many many ways for a person to figure out who left what. I don’t confess my sins. I think typing them would be just as bad as saying them in any case. it would be too real and then I would actually have to deal with it!

  4. Jay

    Sot this is kind of like post a secret only without the post cards?

    When I was in college I was managing a little pizza joint. I used to drink the companies beer every single night I was on the clock. By the end of each night I would be pretty ripped.

    I also gave a large pizza and a 64 ounce cup full of beer to a girl each week in exchange for sex.

    She was a drug addict.

    I was pretty messed up too, but that was no excuse really.

  5. Beth

    One time at AWANA I wouldn’t let this girl be on my team because she was chubby and I thought she ran really slow.

    Months later I saw her parents and they told me that I was this girl’s idol and was always so nice to her and she wanted to be just like me.

    Yeah, that pretty much made me feel like shit.

  6. Sarah is Ok

    I was once physically abused by a boyfriend. I know, you’re thinking that’s not my confession, that’s his. But I’m totally embarrassed by it and haven’t even told my closest friends. I also watch MTV’s The Hills.

  7. The Absurdist

    Being bipolar, I have spent my fair share of time in the mental health facilities(read, snakepits of hell) trying to get my meds straightened out. I have also tried to commit suicide seriously 8 times. I should have died in three of those attempts. I have finally realized that I cannot be killed.

    Gotta love that bipolar shit.

  8. NYCWD

    When I worked in the church, I used to take packages of the wafers they used to consecrate during the mass, bring them home, and slather peanut butter and jelly on them before consuming them while watching a movie.

    Nothing says sin like a wafer with a cross baked in it covered with chunky peanut butter and strawberry jam and consumed while watching Hellraiser

  9. Nina

    I do this on my blog every Sunday. I am going to have to start killing and eating people because how many times can you say “I am lazy and selfish” before people start looking elsewhere for sexier weekly confessions?

    My confession, then?

    I was mad at you for flirting with my Maggie, but that was just for a minute or two. Maggie is mine, I tell you. ALL MINE.

    (Stop looking at her boobs. Stop it!)

  10. Functionally ReTodded

    My boss at my old job (the reason I left) only used a headset to talk on the phone.

    Before I left my last job, I stopped by the office after a baseball game. Consider that I had been walking a lot, worked all day, had gotten a pretty good sweat going at the game, etc., so I wasn’t very tidy.

    I went to his desk, took the foam cover off of the earpiece and talking thingy on his headset, went into the conference room, pulled down my pants, and put one on each index finger and thoroughly cleaned my general asshole region with it. I did most of the work with the one that goes next to his mouth.

    On the one year anniversary of my resignation, I plan to call him at work and tell him that.

  11. Poppy

    Hmm. I’ve confessed everything I’m willing to confess.

    I think.

    (… wow, a lot of time is passing while I try to think of something I am ok with writing here.)

    I just thought of a really good one but it’s actually too private to confess. Bummer.

  12. Poppy

    Maybe I haven’t told this one?

    When I used to petsit for people back in college I would always need to “steal” one object from each home. But I’d always return it by the time I was done petsitting.

  13. hellohahanarf

    damn. beth, is having sex in a cemetary something to confess? if so, then i need to confess that. a bunch of times. (in my defense, i was a lot younger and there was alcohol involved.)

  14. Poppy

    (PiC, if you ever read this, I promise I don’t steal stuff from your place. Except DVDs… which you know about… cuz I write you and HLW a note saying “I took the following DVDs”.)

    Yah, I totally still *want* to steal stuff, but I don’t.

  15. Avitable

    Before I reply to comments, here’s another one:

    I stole this idea from Hilly. Not consciously, but it was her idea first.

    Britt, shouldn’t that be singular? And poor Devin – getting punished just so you can read the next book.

    Amanda, your sincerity is astounding!

    HG, that’s a good one.

    Hilly, when are you getting your ass to Florida so we can hang out and hear this story?

    BPR, I said it could be something small. Like “I’m too lazy to even confess a tiny thing.” Pfft.

    Amy, my showers usually involve other activities, too.

    Jay, exactly! And I think a pizza/sex exchange sounds perfectly reasonable.

    Not RW, you mean because your name is actually Coco Cantina?

    Beth, ooh, you’re mean! And your poor sister.

    Sarah, I hope you’re not with him anymore. And I think you should throw your TV out the window.

    Aunt Robin, who hasn’t?

    Dee, I don’t know what Gaytimes is. It sounds . . . . gay.

    TrishK, I tried to enforce a no-blogging policy at work, but it got me racked in the balls.

    Absurdist, you’re invincible now? Sweet.

    NYCWD, you didn’t take any wine with you too?

    Nina, I love your Sunday Sin posts.

    Todd, that sounds like glorious revenge to me.

    Kapgar, imprisonment? You just have to learn to bitchslap, then run.

    Poppy, you have my email address, right?

    Poppy, so you took it home with you, but then brought it back? Interesting!

    Hello, shit, your confessions would take about a week to tell, wouldn’t they?

  16. x

    I’m not in love with my husband. I think I married him because I was lonely and didn’t think I’d ever find someone else to love me. He’s a really shitty kisser. I sometimes really hate him, I’m afraid of him and if I had the means to support myself I think I would take my kids and leave.

  17. Grant

    When I worked for Little Caesar’s pizza, they delayed putting my raise into effect so I calculated the difference in what they owed me and took it from the register every week. I forget what trick I used to cover it in the paperwork, but I was never caught.

    On a larger scale, when a company I worked for (I’ll only identify them by the initials BS and that it rhymes with HellMouth) forced me to take college courses, offered to reimburse me, then cancelled the reimbursement after I paid with my own money, I calculated how much they owed me and then spent time sitting in my office surfing the Internet and playing games until I recovered the expense. Somehow they never noticed I wasn’t working.

  18. themuttprincess

    Oh geez. My list of confessions is long.

    Here are some….

    1. I have had sex in a church, police parking lot and in a crane. They were all different people.

    2. When I was a young, single mother I used to steal formula and diapers. (and probably other stuff…)

    3. I told someone I loved them, when I really didn’t. This was years ago and I would never do that again, because it not only hurts them it hurts me.

    4. I have faked orgasms to get the deed over with. Several times.

    5. Deep down I am a very, very selfish person.

  19. hellohahanarf

    oh no you didn’t! you ask for confessions and then fuck with me for leaving a little one?!??! just for that, i’m not moving on to share the bigger confessions. fucker.

    :crazywife:

  20. R

    When I was 18 I slammed into a parked car in a parking lot and totally crushed the car. The two friends I had just dropped off 1 screamed at me to stay and the other one said to drive away quickly. I left and told my parents a lie about the broken break light.

  21. Avitable

    Poppy, totally.

    x, thank you for sharing that. That has to be a very difficult position to be in.

    Grant, that seems like perfectly reasonable tit for tat there.

    TMP, in a crane? That’s pretty interesting.

    Anon, thank you for sharing. We all do things we regret – hopefully you’ve been able to forgive yourself.

    BPR, tiny things can still build up!

    Hello, I wasn’t fucking with you – I was saying that I’m sure you have a ton of confessions!

    R, all you got out of that was a broken brakelight? That’s lucky on your end, although not too lucky for that other guy.

  22. bluepaintred

    Not for me. Something happens and I either forgive myself or the person responsible and move on, or I don’t. If I cannot let forgiveness enter, then I know its a big one.\

    Here’s an example of a tiny confession – as a child (12-17) I slit open the tummy of a teddy bear. every day I would take money from my mother purse and my fathers wallet, plus, if I was home alone I would take money from their change jar. I filled the tummies of seven bears with cash. I was going to use it to run away, but by the time I had enough to do it, it made more sense to stay home so I spent it on scratch lotto.

    Happy now?

  23. ADW

    I was driving in a very bad neighborhood in Cleveland (Think Bone, Thugs ‘N Harmony) when I got lost. I turned down a side street, drove over some RR tracks and came upon an old Buick Coupe. As I looked down the road, I saw that the door was open and there was someone laying half in, half out of the car and looked to be dead or unconscious.

    Instead of trying to help, I slammed my car in reverse and drove backwards for a quarter of a mile through one of the worst neighborhoods in Cleveland before moving on to a better area and ultimately the highway.

    I never called 911 or the police to report what I saw.

    The worst/best part is I don’t feel one ounce of guilt about that.

  24. metalmom

    Yesterday, I envisioned you in a banana hammock just like Borat’s. I posted it in someone’s comments and said that I wanted to bleach the image from my brain. Secretly, I was VERY turned on by the thought of your hairy body! :batting:

  25. Y2K Survivor

    OK OK OK you caught me!! Way to go Sherlock Fuggin Holmes!!

    Sometimes I make shit up… There!! Are you HAPPY now that you weasled the truth out of me?

    Damn confession is tough… yet somehow I feel better, lighter… as if some burden has been lifted from my soul. Thank you Avitapope, now I can go back to searching for teen porn with my head held high and one hand “resting” in my lap.

  26. Sybil Law

    When I was 19 I worked at a small grocery store and my friend and I had a setup very similar to yours – we’d ring each other up with ridiculously low prices for the items we were purchasing.
    Also, once in junior high I tripped a girl (whom I had nothing against – I was just excellent at tripping people and demonstrating that to my friend) and she broke her leg in the fall.
    She never knew it was me.
    Damn – I could go on all day!
    Oh! Here’s one you’ll find funny – I actually broke my hymen when I had to stop real fast on my brother’s bike – which I was not supposed to be riding. I never told my mom and stuffed my underwear in the back of my drawer. I had to tell her when we moved and she found them! I was in 3rd grade! It was painful, too! (Of course I didn’t know what the hell had happened!)
    How bad is it that I don’t really find that embarassing to post?!

  27. hellohahanarf

    i wish i could be seriously pissed at you saying it would take a week for me to confess. problem is, you are kinda right. except it would take longer than a week. my life has been, and still can be, “colorful.” but at least it keeps me smiling.

  28. y not i

    My confession is that I have been withholding Coke Rewards points from you. For penance, I will say 10 Hail Avitables and lash myself repeatedly with a wet noodle.

  29. Fig

    I have impure thoughts about my boyfriend’s friend… hot steamy wet impure thoughts.

    Oh and when I was 9, I sprinkled dirt on the girl next door’s apple crisp at the neighborhood picnic.

  30. the108

    I used to work at a church and every now and then I’d call up various places and get them to give me free shit by offering them tax exemption. I once had 40 pizzas delivered to me with the church’s trax id number for a supposed “youth group meeting” which was really just me and my friends smoking pot in the church after hours.

  31. Avitable

    BPR, very happy. See? That wasn’t hard!

    ADW, I don’t blame you.

    Metalmom, whose comments?

    Not Y2K, you got her hopes up!

    Sybil, and that’s why girls bikes don’t have bars there! Or is it the other way around?

    TMP, I can imagine.

    Hello, I know it has been colorful. That’s why I’m waiting for some more confessions from you!

    Poppy, I think she injects it directly into her eyeball.

    Hello, I broke it. Anyone want to help me fix it?

    BE Earl, I think women think that men never fake it. I know that’s definitely not true.

    Y not I, may peace be with you. You are absolved.

    Fig, just ask for a threesome!

    Honeybell, I can’t imagine anyone would ever blame you for that.

    Kyra, ooh, very clever!

    Bossy, but not about me?

    Britt, have you seen his wife? I don’t think you have a chance!

  32. hellohahanarf

    you fixed it, you fixed it!! thanks. all those avitable-like drawings were scaring me.
    hey, can you get a smilie where one kicks the other in the nuts and then he falls over? yeah, that would be nice.

    you want more confessions, eh? “sexual” or “regular” confessions?

  33. Avitable

    Hello, yeah, I had to disable some things. And any type of confessions are good.

    Here’s another confession from me:

    At one point in my life, I have masturbated at work in my office while there were other employees around.

  34. hellohahanarf

    amy, he doesn’t have to pay britt to watch…i would watch and enjoy for free!

    i have also masturbated at work. however i think others were only upstairs. not sure. didn’t care.

  35. Lynda

    I said in the church comments that I read over the requirements, and I just don’t think I could be a member of the Church of Holy Avitableness. My confession is that I just can’t stomach the idea of eating chocolate covered burritos.

    That’s about the worst you will get out of me.

  36. Amanda

    okay, a real confession. one of my high school boyfriends would do things to me with his hand under a blanket while we watched movies with our friends and family. Multiple times. And I would reciprocate. They were a VERY Catholic conservative family. His dad owned a big landscaping business and we would sneak onto the property and have sex in the work vehicles. trucks, vans, didn’t matter.

  37. MyWeeWorld

    This is a big one, but I still can’t be too specific because he could get in all sorts of trouble including losing his credentials, so … my Man-Friend and one other dude I blog about frequently are one and the same. I’ll let you do the math on that one. It’s not hard at all.

  38. Avitable

    Lynda, try it, just once. Didn’t you see me eat one on cam? It’s really good!

    Amanda, wow, that’s a good one! And yes, it sounds quite unsanitary. The workers were probably wondering why they kept sitting in sticky messes.

    MyWeeWorld, damnnnnnnn.

  39. MyWeeWorld

    That felt good, so I’m going to do some more:
    1. I don’t like my dog. He’s an asshole. I’d like to give him to some family that loves asshole dogs, but my dog also hates kids, so it’s a problem.
    2. I used to steal Hot Tamales and cigarettes from this hotel gift shop I worked in when I was in college.
    3. I lie all the time to my parents. They think I don’t drink, smoke, or sleep with the person I’m sleeping with. I think they suspect all of the above.
    4. When my coach asks me what I ate that day, I lie. He thinks I need to eat more, so when he asks and the answer is really coffee, I tell him I had a cheeseburger. He must think I have some kind of rockin’ metabolism.

  40. MyWeeWorld

    He’s an asshole because he’s eating everything I own even though I’ve given him every chew toy on the market. All of the heels on my boots are chewed up, my couches look like they’ve been mauled by a t-rex, and my jeans all have tears and holes on the bottoms where he rips them. He also eats my shoelaces. He doesn’t mind me even though he’s one class away from being certified as a therapy dog, so I know he knows the commands. He’s just stubborn in that goofy Lab way. Part of it (okay, a huge part) is that it turns out I’m a cat person. I’m trying really hard to get along with him though. Man-Friend is convinced he’s going to be eaten alive.

  41. Allyson

    good? um… I guess. I made approximately $500 a night. But mostly I was just me… in skimpy clothes. I drank, shot pool, laughed… I couldn’t be fake even in a job where that was my description. I just had fun. It helped a lot, I think, that I was pretty freakin’ hot in those days. I’ve never been “sexy” though. there were some girls who tried to teach me to pout, or be more sultry, I just danced to 80’s bubblegum music and did shots of tequila with the DJ.

  42. LizB

    As a teacher, I’m required to turn in lesson plans every two weeks. Here’s the problem; I rarely write lesson plans. I know what I want to do in my head and what will work with each individual class, but I don’t see the need to prepare a formal plan. The state lays out the curriculum and the teaching time line, anyway, and that’s what I use for my planning. When the school insists that I turn in plans, I turn in a blank disk labeled lesson plans, as do MANY teachers that I know. No one ever checks these disks, obviously.

  43. DaisyJo

    I took an invitation to someone’s Christmas party out of my boss’s mailbox and threw it in the trash. I couldn’t stand the thought of spending one extra minute with her. She confronted the party-giver for not inviting her and I never said anything.

  44. CP

    Early in my nursing career, (nine years ago) I stole a patients narcotics for my own use. It was a horrible thing to have done and I still haven’t forgiven myself for it yet.

    I even had it posted on Post Secret.

    CP

  45. Charissa

    OK, so this is a late addition, haven’t lurked in a while, and confession IS good for the soul…

    I am still in love with my husband, even though he has cheated on me, left me and lied to me repeatedly. And I hate myself for it.

  46. Avitable

    DaisyJo, I’ve done something similar.

    Sandra, what’s done drunkly should always be forgiven!

    CP, you had it posted on PostSecret? Very impressive!

    Topncal, you got any extras?

    Charissa, good to hear from you again, and I don’t think that’s unusual. It must be very tough.

    Bobgirrl, you think?

    Dee, even non-fried they sound tasty.

  47. Pajamachick

    I don’t even know where to begin.
    I really would like to get a real job but I don’t think that I am capable of getting or keeping one so I embellish helping my parents as a way of not getting one.
    I also want one of y’all to draw me up a pretty blog but I don’t have the balls (or money) to ask.
    PajamaChick

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