A Letter To My Body

Last week, Britt wrote a very inspiring post about body acceptance, and she very bravely posted a picture of herself in the nude to show how comfortable she is with every curve, wrinkle and stray hair. It was all part of the BlogHer “Letter to my Body” initiative. I think it’s an excellent movement and support it fully. I mean no disrespect to those women with this subsequent parody.

Dear Body,

I love you.

I knew that a steady diet of cheeseburgers, french fries, pizza, and butter would make you into an object of desire and affection.

I love that you can displace all of the water in a pool with one cannonball.
I love that your pants would feed a largish village in Africa.
I love that I get to use a mirror to see my penis and feet, since that lets me just gaze at myself.

Your breasts started out firm, but after having many Baby Ruths, they have become a bit saggy, but that’s okay. I’d never be able to lick my own nipples otherwise.

Your stomach, pregnant with many, many food babies, has expanded, but that’s okay. It’s a good place to sit a book or balance a tray.

Your thighs, once glistening pillars of steel, now brush together, but that’s okay. If I get trapped out in the wilderness, I can just wear corduroy and walk around to start a small fire.

Your penis, a mighty warrior of slightly above average size, has now hidden itself among your girth, but that’s okay. The smaller size makes it easier for smaller hands, say that of a high school aged girl.

Your butt, once shapely and taut, has become completely flat, but that’s okay. Now I can drop my pants easily without worrying about snags.

Your hair still covers every inch of you, except on the top of your head, but that’s okay. I enjoy being able to explore fashion trends with different types of hats.

Being the size of six normal people just means that you are six times as awesome! Being able to ride in solace in an elevator because you meet the weight limit alone is gratifying. Bringing your own titanium chair to restaurants allows you to protect the environment, and buying four seats on an airplane before you board gives you the comfort that none of those other passengers will ever experience.

Body, you’ll never understand how important I feel when the people at the Burger King drive-through know me by name. And that’s all thanks to you. And having the city of Altamonte Springs offer me my own roving zip code – that just warmed the cockles of my heart. When cars move out of the way as I cross the street because they don’t want to hit the large zoo animal who has clearly escaped, I always nod my head and secretly thank you. For I truly am special.

I love you, Body.

Avitable Writes a Letter To His Body

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150 Replies to “A Letter To My Body”

  1. Scout's Honor

    My eyes! My eyes! They burn. I have a crazily hairy, but obedient husband that I’ve trained over the years to get hot waxed. I thought he was hairy. Never! Ever! Have I seen ass crack hair go 2 feet up one’s back. Wow! Blown away. Just. Wow…

    Yep, you are comfortable in your skin. I wish I had your confidence. Seriously.

  2. MsFreud

    Love the picture… And I found myself thinking- he gives his barber fucktons of cash to shave his face and keep him neatly groomed, and then wears a rug of hair on his back.

    Gorgeous photography btw. 🙂 :clap:

  3. Avitable

    Britt, you have more butt hair.

    Clown, I warned you!

    Amy, yeah, that was pretty retarded, wasn’t it?

    Amanda, only to set a fire.

    BPR, yeah, I’m pretty proud of this one.

    Hello, didn’t you read the disclaimer? This picture is designed only for humor and may not be used for masturbatory purposes.

    Tracy, not even if you go buy it at Sam’s?

    Dave, oh, I know. And I’m filled with nougat.

    Hilly, I never do anything halfway. 🙂

    Glenda, I’m a classy guy, what can I say?

    Jay, as in you’re touching yourself?

    Scout’s Honor, I have to have it shampooed and blown dry.

    Dee, no, there was no room on the floor.

    DB, the camera always gets drenched and ruined.

    Beth, awww, thanks.

    Freelance Guru, unfortunately, I’m local restroom-phobic. I only pee at home!

    Turnbaby, I’m glad it made you laugh!

    MsFreud, my barber is afraid to go near any other part of me.

    Robin, it’s a deep love.

    Golfwidow, have to keep up my physique somehow.

  4. Avitable

    Mr. Fabulous, you’re just looking at the cheeseburger.

    Karen, well, it is a parody.

    Britt, I was clearly being facetious. I’m sorry that you somehow misinterpreted my humor as me trying to actually imply that you have butt hair on any type of noticeable level.

    RW, it’s the cheeseburger, isn’t it?

  5. L

    This post was both awesomely funny and inspired although it was a parody of the “Letter to my Body” I think it still had an air of the original in the confidence you emit.

    I nearly pee’d myself but it was so well written and I especially laughed because being of the larger persuasion I have had the same issues.

    Then I got to the image and now I need white hot pokers and a my brain flushing with bleach and a speech from George W

  6. Avitable

    ThisMom, what happened to BlondeBlogger? And this might be one of my better posts, I agree.

    Todd, I’m always happy to inspire.

    Em, impressed with my back hair?

    LizB, they eat pants for the fiber.

    L, nah. All you need is a cheeseburger.

    Nobody, you can’t tell because it’s a shot from the back, but it was cold. I needed that sweater.

    Poppy, nope – I just used your feedback to make the post even funnier. Thanks!

    Kapgar, aren’t you glad you found my blog?

    Robin, damn skippy.

    Nat, hi! Welcome to my butt crack!

    Heather, is it cuter than a stormtrooper outfit?

  7. ADW

    You need to do the Milkshake Dance like that. Naked and holding a cheeseburger as the Big Man intended.

    I’d give you props for having the balls to post the picture, but I can’t see them, so the jury is still out on whether or not you have a set.


  8. SJ

    Absolute pure Avitable! Sooo much better than mine. But then, so is your body. :thumbsup:

    Dude, you totally photoshopped that burger in. But that’s okay! Huge props for being proud enough to use the pic.

  9. Avitable

    ADW, oh, they’re there. This time.

    AnnieB, you just want to eat my cheeseburger.

    Absurdist, I think you might have left your sense of humor in your other pants.

    TrishK, I bet NotAGrampy will be jealous.

    Peggy, I’m like a supermodel.

    SJ, yes, the burger is photoshopped in. You caught me!

  10. Em

    I am impressed with this post in its entirety. . .impressed with your sense of humor and your confidence. And yes. . .if you must know. . .the back hair.

    I agree with Poppy and Miss Britt – you should do this every day.

  11. Avitable

    Poppy, no awwwwwws allowed. Only heehees.

    Poppy and Britt, thanks!

    Turnbaby, I don’t know that I can top this, ever.

    B.E. Earl, you could just comment on the hilarious post instead!

    Em, confidence? This is all about the humor. I do it for the laughs.

    AnnieB, you are the queen of giving head, aren’t you?

    Crystal, best post? Hardly. Did you har?

    Laura, not hot. Funny!

    Lynda, she did not. She came home shortly thereafter – I was about fifteen minutes done.

    NYCWD, how about some Chick Fil-A?

    Jordie, this post is for laughs. The drawing is for me.

    Stephanie, send me a picture if you do.

    Nina, this has nothing to do with beauty and everything to do with denial and cheeseburgers!

  12. AnnieB

    Well, you haven’t officially crowned me yet but I have no doubts that you will on Saturday. I’ve had numerous standing ovations but usually they don’t last that long. A crown would be nice.

  13. Avitable

    Poppy, it would be horrible if I mailed you some. You’ll just have to wait for your next visit to Florida.

    Tug, helps keep ’em regular.

    Karen, indeed.

    Dan, even better than the “guess the body part” post?

    AnnieB, how about a crown and a necklace? Of pearl.

    Jam, what, you don’t like cheeseburgers?

  14. MyWeeWorld

    Dude, that was fucking awesome. I’ve never seen ass-crack hair like that before! I’ve never imagined ass-crack hair like that before either, but I guess that just shows I’m limited. Thank you for opening my eyes to your hairy gloriousness. And I want a cheeseburger now.

  15. Avitable

    WeeWorld, well, once it gets to be a foot or more away from the ass crack, I think it becomes just plain old back hair.

    Colleen, do you WANT to make a sweater from my back hair? Because I’ll send you some.

    BlondeBlogger, want to come over for cheeseburgers?

    Poppy, neither. She just likes to ride along.

  16. jester

    Holy mutha fucking christ on a biscuit!

    I’m pretty comfortable with myself and all, but I just don’t have the stones to post THAT photo of myself on my blog.

    I’m happy to take second place to you in that contest.

    You’re definitely hairier than I am.

  17. Summer

    I love this! You have a great sense of humor, warped at times but great. This post along with Britt’s inspired me to do a body love letter on my post. If you want to check out the red hair, green eyes and freckles come on over.

  18. Girl, Dislocated

    I’m so jealous of how warm you must be underneath all of that fur!

    I don’t know how you or the other participants were able to do this (I won’t even change outfits in front of my mother or my sister), but it’s great–especially your parody! :thumbsup:

  19. Avitable

    DK, well, it’s not gratuitous. It’s nudity for the sake of comedy.

    Poppy, you’d get the front seat this time.

    Kyra, so I’m like a constellation of awesomeness?

    HG, what? He doesn’t like comedy?

    Mr. Fabulous, I don’t see how this makes me an attention whore in any way.

    Jester, you’re right. I almost didn’t include the cheeseburger.

    Summer, warped at times? I’m trying for 100% warped.

    Sybil, I’m glad!

    Clown, is that the sound you make when you masturbate?

    Poppy, I know – I’m surprised how many comments I got.

    BlondeBlogger, by bacon do you mean penis?

    Othurme, you are welcome. It would have been a bad idea. I would have been flocked by hundreds of women rushing to my house and hundreds of men would have just committed suicide.

    Kyra, but this is my good side!

    Stephanie, I probably wouldn’t get any comments. Everyone would be too busy masturbating.

    Dean, that’s why you have to mail it orally, not rectally.

    Girl, Dislocated, would you change outfits in front of my webcam?

  20. Girl, Dislocated

    Absolutely! I’d start out wearing a T-shirt, and then I’d say in a very sexy voice, “It’s sooo cold in here. Don’t mind me while I slip into something more comfortable.” And THEN, I would sloooowllyyy pull on a sweatshirt over my shirt. 😛

  21. Redneck Mommy

    I’d have paid BIG money to see this in the Hottest Blogger calendar.

    Those girls don’t realize what a mistake they are making in keeping it PG 13.


    Oh well. I’ll just use your words to paint a vivid picture of you nekkid with a cheese burger, in my imagination.


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