Last week, Britt wrote a very inspiring post about body acceptance, and she very bravely posted a picture of herself in the nude to show how comfortable she is with every curve, wrinkle and stray hair. It was all part of the BlogHer "Letter to my Body" initiative. I think it's an excellent movement and support it fully. I mean no disrespect to those women with this subsequent parody.
Dear Body,
I love you.
I knew that a steady diet of cheeseburgers, french fries, pizza, and butter would make you into an object of desire and affection.
I love that you can displace all of the water in a pool with one cannonball.
I love that your pants would feed a largish village in Africa.
I love that I get to use a mirror to see my penis and feet, since that lets me just gaze at myself.
Your breasts started out firm, but after having many Baby Ruths, they have become a bit saggy, but that's okay. I'd never be able to lick my own nipples otherwise.
Your stomach, pregnant with many, many food babies, has expanded, but that's okay. It's a good place to sit a book or balance a tray.
Your thighs, once glistening pillars of steel, now brush together, but that's okay. If I get trapped out in the wilderness, I can just wear corduroy and walk around to start a small fire.
Your penis, a mighty warrior of slightly above average size, has now hidden itself among your girth, but that's okay. The smaller size makes it easier for smaller hands, say that of a high school aged girl.
Your butt, once shapely and taut, has become completely flat, but that's okay. Now I can drop my pants easily without worrying about snags.
Your hair still covers every inch of you, except on the top of your head, but that's okay. I enjoy being able to explore fashion trends with different types of hats.
Being the size of six normal people just means that you are six times as awesome! Being able to ride in solace in an elevator because you meet the weight limit alone is gratifying. Bringing your own titanium chair to restaurants allows you to protect the environment, and buying four seats on an airplane before you board gives you the comfort that none of those other passengers will ever experience.
Body, you'll never understand how important I feel when the people at the Burger King drive-through know me by name. And that's all thanks to you. And having the city of Altamonte Springs offer me my own roving zip code - that just warmed the cockles of my heart. When cars move out of the way as I cross the street because they don't want to hit the large zoo animal who has clearly escaped, I always nod my head and secretly thank you. For I truly am special.
I love you, Body.
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Funny... I don't SEE a bald spot.
Hmmmm.....
Comments by Miss Britt
OH! AND!
It's so good to know I am not alone in my nakedness! Go Avitable Body Love!
Comments by Miss Britt
We're no longer friends.
I'm serious.
Comments by Clown
The only time I've seen you wear a hat you were trying to pull it over your entire head.
Comments by Amy
Oh My God... why would you be wearing corduroy in the wilderness? It's hot and doesn't move well.
Comments by Amanda
I think I love you. You will never be able to top this post!
Comments by bluepaintred
i assolutely love that you did this. magnificent!!
so, self photography or did amy help you out?
Comments by hellohahanarf
p.s. you are not nearly as hairy as you led us to believe. regardless, i'm gonna go rub one out. thanks for the assist...
Comments by hellohahanarf
Now I wish I were dead. No, really, there isn't enough brain bleach in the world.
Comments by Tracy Lynn
I think I've found my new desktop wallpaper! You are one delicious hunk of man-candy, Mr. Avitable!
Comments by Dave2
When you said you were doing a body image post, you weren't kidding.
I think I could kiss you after seeing this...I love it!
Comments by Hilly
Awesome post, you rock!
P.S.- You, holding the burger in B&W...so classy!! lol
Comments by Glenda
That was touching.
Comments by Jay
My eyes! My eyes! They burn. I have a crazily hairy, but obedient husband that I've trained over the years to get hot waxed. I thought he was hairy. Never! Ever! Have I seen ass crack hair go 2 feet up one's back. Wow! Blown away. Just. Wow...
Yep, you are comfortable in your skin. I wish I had your confidence. Seriously.
Comments by Scout's Honor
I notice this photo isn't in your office: be honest, there wasn't room, was there :D
Comments by Dee
Can we have video proof of the cannonball statement?
Comments by DutchBitch
your penis is pretty big.
Comments by Bethie
Heavens to Betsy! What a man you are. Call me! My numbers on the wall of your local restroom.
Comments by Freelance Guru
I knew as soon as I saw the title I would wake the household laughing. OMG
And dude—I'm all about acceptance but the backside 'happy trail' is ....just....omg LOLOLOLOL
You RAWK
Comments by turnbaby
Love the picture... And I found myself thinking- he gives his barber fucktons of cash to shave his face and keep him neatly groomed, and then wears a rug of hair on his back.
Gorgeous photography btw. :)
Comments by MsFreud
Wow... I could never sit on the floor, naked in front of full-length mirror and eat. The depth of your body love is truly an inspiration.
Comments by Aunt Robin
That is one tasty looking ... burger.
Comments by golfwidow again
Britt, you have more butt hair.
Clown, I warned you!
Amy, yeah, that was pretty retarded, wasn't it?
Amanda, only to set a fire.
BPR, yeah, I'm pretty proud of this one.
Hello, didn't you read the disclaimer? This picture is designed only for humor and may not be used for masturbatory purposes.
Tracy, not even if you go buy it at Sam's?
Dave, oh, I know. And I'm filled with nougat.
Hilly, I never do anything halfway. :)
Glenda, I'm a classy guy, what can I say?
Jay, as in you're touching yourself?
Scout's Honor, I have to have it shampooed and blown dry.
Dee, no, there was no room on the floor.
DB, the camera always gets drenched and ruined.
Beth, awww, thanks.
Freelance Guru, unfortunately, I'm local restroom-phobic. I only pee at home!
Turnbaby, I'm glad it made you laugh!
MsFreud, my barber is afraid to go near any other part of me.
Robin, it's a deep love.
Golfwidow, have to keep up my physique somehow.
Comments by Avitable
I cannot look away...you are so beautiful.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
This is awesome. Awesome that you recognize how wonderful you are. Great post!
Comments by Karen Sugarpants
I do NOT have butt hair! I'm not going to censor my comments for you if you're going to be an asshole!
Comments by Miss Britt
Reason #14 why I could never be gay
Comments by RW
Mr. Fabulous, you're just looking at the cheeseburger.
Karen, well, it is a parody.
Britt, I was clearly being facetious. I'm sorry that you somehow misinterpreted my humor as me trying to actually imply that you have butt hair on any type of noticeable level.
RW, it's the cheeseburger, isn't it?
Comments by Avitable
Oh my. I think I'm speechless. That poor burger...
I don't know how you're going to top this post!
Comments by This Mom
I'm glad I stumbled upon this and Britt's post. Your openness inspired me. First I masturbated. Then I ate a big breakfast from the hotel buffet.
Thank you both.
Comments by Functionally ReTodded
HAHAHA! That's awesome. I'm impressed.
Comments by Em
Your "Mac 'n' Crack Attack" inspires me to greatness. Or to shave something. You're a seriously brave and whacked out man. Funny stuff!
BTW, African villagers eat pants?
Comments by LizB
This post was both awesomely funny and inspired although it was a parody of the "Letter to my Body" I think it still had an air of the original in the confidence you emit.
I nearly pee'd myself but it was so well written and I especially laughed because being of the larger persuasion I have had the same issues.
Then I got to the image and now I need white hot pokers and a my brain flushing with bleach and a speech from George W
Comments by L
Dude, that is a very lovely post. But it looks like you forgot to take your sweater off.
Comments by Nobody™
You tricked me.
Comments by Poppy
I... I... I...
[rocking back and forth in the fetal position in the corner of the room]
Comments by kapgar
Be proud of your hairy self
Comments by Robin
Wow... that's a mighty big cheeseburger mister.
(I think I may be delurking. Hi, I'm Nat. I feel closer now that I've seen your hairy butt crack.)
Comments by Nat
Oh God! Oh no! I'm blind! I'm blind! And? I'm choking on pancake and coffee! Spewing coffee! MacBook shorting out, can't finish comment possszzzzfffftttt.......
Avitable. You are just too damned cute for your own good!
Comments by Coal Miner's Granddaughter
ThisMom, what happened to BlondeBlogger? And this might be one of my better posts, I agree.
Todd, I'm always happy to inspire.
Em, impressed with my back hair?
LizB, they eat pants for the fiber.
L, nah. All you need is a cheeseburger.
Nobody, you can't tell because it's a shot from the back, but it was cold. I needed that sweater.
Poppy, nope - I just used your feedback to make the post even funnier. Thanks!
Kapgar, aren't you glad you found my blog?
Robin, damn skippy.
Nat, hi! Welcome to my butt crack!
Heather, is it cuter than a stormtrooper outfit?
Comments by Avitable
You need to do the Milkshake Dance like that. Naked and holding a cheeseburger as the Big Man intended.
I'd give you props for having the balls to post the picture, but I can't see them, so the jury is still out on whether or not you have a set.
Kisses.
Comments by ADW
You're everything that I've imagined and more. My love for everything that is you has increased tenfold.
Comments by AnnieB
Ack! Please never, ever do that again. And invest in some fucking nair please.
Comments by The Absurdist
I think I am going to stab my eyes out with a sharp object. OMG the image is burned in my brain....I need wine already.
Comments by trishk
WOW.
You're stunning.
Comments by Peggy
Absolute pure Avitable! Sooo much better than mine. But then, so is your body.
Dude, you totally photoshopped that burger in. But that's okay! Huge props for being proud enough to use the pic.
Comments by SJ
ADW, oh, they're there. This time.
AnnieB, you just want to eat my cheeseburger.
Absurdist, I think you might have left your sense of humor in your other pants.
TrishK, I bet NotAGrampy will be jealous.
Peggy, I'm like a supermodel.
SJ, yes, the burger is photoshopped in. You caught me!
Comments by Avitable
You know I appreciate it, but thanks for taking the IM time to explain. Now I can make the comment I wanted to.
Even with that damn cheeseburger:
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!
Comments by Poppy
PS - I disagree with the people who are telling you to never do this again. Clearly they are not true Avitafans.
Comments by Poppy
Poppy:
True 'dat!
Comments by Miss Britt
Oh I agree with Britt and Poppy—there should be more nekkid Avi posts–although this will be hard to top.
Comments by turnbaby
I was going to mention the photoshopped burger, but someone already beat me to it.
Sadly, I can't comment on the rest of the picture because it appear to be covered in thick fur.
Comments by B.E. Earl
I am impressed with this post in its entirety. . .impressed with your sense of humor and your confidence. And yes. . .if you must know. . .the back hair.
I agree with Poppy and Miss Britt - you should do this every day.
Comments by Em
Yep and I'll be chowing down on that whopper come Saturday. Mmmmmmmm
Comments by AnnieB
if there were Oscars for blogs, this would win Best Post of 2008.
just brilliant, you sexy beast.
Comments by Crys
HAWT. Very, very hawt.
Comments by Laura
Awesome post!
Did your wife walk in on you during your photo shoot? Or is that another post?
Comments by Lynda
My body is jealous.
It now wants a letter too.
And a cheeseburger.
Comments by NYCWD
See! You don't even need a drawing–photography–the great documentation device of a NEW age.
Comments by Jordie
That ass-hair trail makes me moist.
Damn...now I want to eat a cheeseburger, naked.
Comments by Stephanie
This is my fourth visit to Avitable.awesome.com today. Know why?
Because you, Adam H. Avitable, are beautiful. And I just can't help myself.
Comments by Nina
Poppy, no awwwwwws allowed. Only heehees.
Poppy and Britt, thanks!
Turnbaby, I don't know that I can top this, ever.
B.E. Earl, you could just comment on the hilarious post instead!
Em, confidence? This is all about the humor. I do it for the laughs.
AnnieB, you are the queen of giving head, aren't you?
Crystal, best post? Hardly. Did you har?
Laura, not hot. Funny!
Lynda, she did not. She came home shortly thereafter - I was about fifteen minutes done.
NYCWD, how about some Chick Fil-A?
Jordie, this post is for laughs. The drawing is for me.
Stephanie, send me a picture if you do.
Nina, this has nothing to do with beauty and everything to do with denial and cheeseburgers!
Comments by Avitable
You know I don't pay attention to what I'm not supposed to do.
And, where the fuck is *MY* Chick Fil-A? How many times do I have to ask you for some? sigh.
Comments by Poppy
LizB already asked my question...fiber, huh? Good to know.
Comments by Tug
Darlin' I know it's parody...so was my comment. Ha ha.
Comments by Karen Sugarpants
This is probably the best post i've seen you do. Bravo.
Comments by Dan
Well, you haven't officially crowned me yet but I have no doubts that you will on Saturday. I've had numerous standing ovations but usually they don't last that long. A crown would be nice.
Comments by AnnieB
WOW...
That is truly disturbing!
Comments by Jam
Poppy, it would be horrible if I mailed you some. You'll just have to wait for your next visit to Florida.
Tug, helps keep 'em regular.
Karen, indeed.
Dan, even better than the "guess the body part" post?
AnnieB, how about a crown and a necklace? Of pearl.
Jam, what, you don't like cheeseburgers?
Comments by Avitable
This is the best post. You're awesome. And totally hot.
Comments by Sarah is Ok
That would be lovely. Actually, I thought that would be a given with you ...
Comments by AnnieB
No holding your breath, but I might be there in April! Of course, I don't actually need to see you to eat Chick Fil-A, but it'd be nice to at least see Jigsaw if I'm in town again.
Comments by Poppy
Sarah, no, you can't have my cheeseburger.
AnnieB, well, yeah.
Poppy, cool. We can go get Chick Fil-A and see Jigsaw, all at the same time.
Comments by Avitable
Dude, that was fucking awesome. I've never seen ass-crack hair like that before! I've never imagined ass-crack hair like that before either, but I guess that just shows I'm limited. Thank you for opening my eyes to your hairy gloriousness. And I want a cheeseburger now.
Comments by MyWeeWorld
At last, irrefutable proof that we're related to apes. Well, proof at least that YOU are related to apes. I could make a sweater from your back hair.
Comments by Colleen
Oh my gosh!!! *gasping for air* ROFLMAO!!!This is one of my most favorite posts, ever!!!! You SO rock!!!
Comments by BlondeBlogger
I'm afraid to ask...
Do you make your dog work at Chik Fil-A or is she the food?
Comments by Poppy
I think I just enjoy misspelling Chick.
Comments by Poppy
WeeWorld, well, once it gets to be a foot or more away from the ass crack, I think it becomes just plain old back hair.
Colleen, do you WANT to make a sweater from my back hair? Because I'll send you some.
BlondeBlogger, want to come over for cheeseburgers?
Poppy, neither. She just likes to ride along.
Comments by Avitable
Well, it's about bloody time that somebody other than ME started posting some gratuitous nudity!
Comments by DanjerusKurves
Oh good. I thought you were being funny again.
So, I sit in the back again? (hehehe)
Comments by Poppy
You, sir, are a work of art... a magnificent beauty that parallels only that beauty which we see sparking in the night sky. Mount me like a dog. you bad boy.
Comments by Kyra Sutra
Thanks, Adam. You've just given my boyfriend ANOTHER reason to distrust bloggers.
But you are kinda cute in your own hairy, naked way.
J.
Comments by HoosierGirl
I showed this post to Mrs. Fab. She says it is now official, YOU are biggest attention whore.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Holy mutha fucking christ on a biscuit!
I'm pretty comfortable with myself and all, but I just don't have the stones to post THAT photo of myself on my blog.
I'm happy to take second place to you in that contest.
You're definitely hairier than I am.
Comments by jester
I love this! You have a great sense of humor, warped at times but great. This post along with