Archive for February, 2008

Lohantastic

Tuesday, February 19th, 2008

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"Speak", by Lindsay Lohan

I love redheads. And freckles. And overprocessed music. And disaffected youth who are slowly trainwrecking their entire life. So, as you can imagine, I love Lindsay Lohan.

She's recently posed nude for the New York Magazine in a tribute to Marilyn Monroe (who was kinda cute but way too blond), and I am posting the pictures here for all of your viewing pleasures.

You can click the picture below to go to the full mondo-sized set on Flickr, or just go below the fold to see the Lohantasticness in its pure naked glory sized to fit on this blog.

I'm a Lohanatic and proud of it.

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Days of Blunder

Monday, February 18th, 2008

Fucking NASCAR.

Last night, Amy and I decided to head over to the beach to eat dinner. There's a little restaurant called Snack Jack's that is right on the beach in Flagler, two towns north of Daytona. It's about 50 miles away, but the weather was so nice that we couldn't imagine a better time to go sit outside and eat dinner with the ocean only about twenty feet away.

Dinner was over around 8:30.

Do you know what else was over around then?

The Daytona 500.

I guess one of the ramifications of never reading a newspaper or watching the news is that you miss out when one of the biggest events in the area is occurring. You also miss out on the one reason not to go within 100 miles of Daytona Beach.

For our punishment, we got to travel on I-4 back to Altamonte Springs along with 190,000 of our newly discovered friends who were all leaving the racetrack en masse. And I've never seen so many stickers of Calvin peeing on something in my entire life.

This wonderful experience of sharing the road with thousands of idiots, rednecks, and morons just cemented my dislike and confusion when it comes to racing. One of my very oldest friends loves it (sorry, Brent), and although I respect his opinion in almost every other area, I cannot grasp what he enjoys about this so-called sport.

As you may know, I'm already against spectator sports. I have a hard enough time understanding why people want to live vicariously through the physical activity of a bunch of steroid-enhanced criminal lowlifes. But at least that's watching physical achievement of some sort. NASCAR, on the other hand, is about watching cars drive in circles. And, if you're lucky, one of the cars will crash. Is it worth watching circuit after circuit for 500 laps just to see one or two crashes? I can't possibly imagine that it is.

How do you get psyched up to watch cars drive? Can you talk strategy? I can only imagine what fans say to each other during the interminable race:

"Yeah, he really kept his foot on the gas pedal and turned the wheel really well."

"Did you see how quickly he stopped the car so that the pit crew could change his tires?"

"Wow – they just drove by in about a second and a half, and now I can't see them anymore. What a rush!"

"This is more fun than our last Klan rally!"

"I'm going to buy Valvoline because he drove around the track so expertly!"

"Did you see how he stayed behind that other guy and then at the last minute, pulled in front of him??"

"Wow, his hands were totally not at 10 and 2 but he still won!"

"After this, we should go get plastered and drive our trucks in the mud through the woods randomly!"

"I'm so glad I bought these tickets rather than paying for Kid #4's braces!"

Lazy Sunday XXVII

Sunday, February 17th, 2008

Thanks to Poppy:

1. Are you taller than your best friend?
Only when erect.

2. Do you have a favorite type of pen?
Pig.

3. Look at your planner; what were your plans for January 15th?
Anal bleaching.

4. What color are your toenails usually?
The color of horror and screaming.

5. What was the last thing you highlighted?
Something of utmost importance.

6. What color are the curtains in your bedroom?
No curtains. They get in the way of the photographers and paparazzi.

7. What color are the seats in your car?
Between "meh" to "blah".

8. Have you ever had a black and white cat?
For dinner?

9. What is the last thing you put a stamp on?
My tongue.

10. Do you know anyone who lives in Japan?
Know in the biblical sense?

11. Why did you withdraw cash from the ATM the last time?
My dealer doesn't take Visa.

12. Last baby you held?
I held a food baby for the whole drive home last night.

13. Can you spell well?
Nho

14. Do you like cinnamon toothpaste?
On hot dogs.

15. How fast have you driven in a car before?
We went plaid.

16. Pick one: Miami Hurricanes or Florida Gators?
Naple Avitables

17. Last time you went to Six Flags?
We're too cheap to go to Six Flags. We go to One Flag. It has a small train pulled by an old man who tells stories about ought-two.

18. Do you have any wallpaper in your house?
We actually decorate with gift wrap.

19. Closest thing to you that is yellow?
My urine.

20. Last person who gave you a business card?
My penis pump sales rep – he's new.

21. Who was the last person you wrote a check or money order to?
I don't remember but my body wouldn't cash it.

22. Closest framed picture to you?
Persistence of Avitable, by my friend Marisa

23. Last time you had someone cook for you?
Every time I eat out at a restaurant.

24. Have you ever felt you weren’t good enough?
To win an urban dance contest?

25. How many emails do you get in your inbox daily (excluding spam)?
Depends if it's a busy day at alt.rec.goldenshowers.

26. Last time you received flowers?
At my coming out party as a debutante.

27. What’s one thing you live for?
Outliving everyone else.

28. Do you play air guitar?
Only during an air show.

29. Has anyone ever proposed to you?
I've been married 43 times.

30. Do you take anything in your coffee?
Diet Coke.

31. Do you have any Willow Tree figurines?
Are those like Garbage Pail Kids?

32. How many books have you read in the last year?
80,000, but I only read books of stamps.

33. Last person you spoke to from high school?
Well, she's a junior named Mandy.

34. Last time you used hand sanitizer?
Right after shaking hands with that Jehovah's Witness.

35. Would you like to learn to play the drums?
I'll have to think about this. Clearly it's the most important decision of my life.

36. What color are the blinds in your living room?
Mauve-green.

37. Have you ever developed your own film?
No, but I've produced my own pictures.

38. Last thing you read in the newspaper?
What's a newspaper?

39. What was the last pageant or play you attended?
The Erotic Adventures of the Catholic Boarding School. It was an excellent live show.

40. What is the last place you bought pizza from?
A guy with a velour jumpsuit on who said they fell off of a truck.

41. Have you ever worn a crown?
Only when I was Queen of England.

42. What is the last thing you stapled?
My nuts to a dog.

43. Did you ever drink clear Pepsi?
Yes. Well, no. It was turpentine.

44. Are you ticklish?
Only on my left kidney.

45. Last time you saw fireworks?
When that cartoon bird hit me.

46. Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut?
Give me three minutes.

47. Who is the last person that left you a message, and you actually returned it?
I haven't checked my voicemail since 1992.

48. Last time you parked under a carport?
I've never parked under a car. And my name's not Port.

49. Do you have a black dog?
No, but I have blue balls.

50. Can you give one reason why David Caruso is allowed to keep acting?
Redheads run the Jews who run the media.

51. Are you an aunt or uncle?
Both on Drag Night Thursdays.

52. Who has the most gorgeous eyes that you know of?
My mirror. But only when I'm looking in it.

53. Last time you saw a semi truck?
I have a semi in my pants right now.

54. Do you remember Ugly Kid Joe?
I used to request his song to different people all the time.

55. Do you have a little black dress?
Yes but I save it for special occasions.

Nudity encouraged

Saturday, February 16th, 2008

Here is the direct link.

Censored

Friday, February 15th, 2008

Saw this at Shelli's and Jasmine's and decided to do it here:

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say or That I Should Say to Certain People:

  1. Grow up and start acting your age. Figure out what you want with your life and stop relying on everyone as a crutch. It's pathetic.
  2. You're ugly on the inside and that's why people don't like you.
  3. I wish I could have taken down the story of your life before you died. I'm sorry I wasn't there during your last few days.
  4. I can't believe that you hid your smoking from me for that many years. You should be ashamed of yourself.
  5. In some small way, I blame you for what happened. And I resent your refusal to accept my help.
  6. You're such a sheep that you couldn't even understand it if I drew a picture. Your stereotypes and ridiculous assertions make you look like a jackass.
  7. I want you to laugh more and stop getting so angry.
  8. I'm really hurt by your decision to embrace someone who was so hateful to me and the ones I love.
  9. For years, I've dreamed of thousands of ways that I could destroy you for what you did. Someday I will put those plans into action.
  10. You're a pathetic little gossip and I know the things you've said in private. You're hateful and spiteful and I feel bad for your husband because of the way you make him follow you around like one of those dogs that you had sex with as a kid.

Just a disclaimer – if you're reading this, it's not about you.

VD makes you itch

Thursday, February 14th, 2008
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Happy VD!

Babysitting

Wednesday, February 13th, 2008

One of my regular blog reads is Oh, the Joys. She had a post yesterday about boys babysitting her daughter.

Here's the pertinent part of that post, quoted verbatim:

Later, after listening to me drone on about the mundane ups and downs of finding a baby sitter, a male friend said,

“Aren’t you worried about a boy babysitting your daughter?”

“What?” I said. “What do you mean? What are you talking about?”

He was talking about the potential abuse of my daughter.

See my innocence smashed to bits there on the floor?

Honestly, nothing like that had occurred to me.

Nothing that disgusting had even crossed my mind.

She concluded the post by asking for insight, perspective, and opinions. And you know what? Reading the comments just cemented my belief that some people are fucking morons.

I can understand a parent being hesitant about having anyone babysit, male or female. I can understand someone who had been abused feeling skittish about leaving their child alone with someone else. What I cannot understand, however, is a parent who would hire a female babysitter but refuses to even consider a male babysitter. And I saw several comments from close-minded women who have no problem making this decision. These are the type of parents who I'm sure will fill their children's heads with racist stereotypes and fearmongering.

Their reasons? Complete and utter bullshit.

Reason #1: Most molesters are men.

Well, no shit, fucknut. So are almost all rapists. And serial killers. And even murderers. This is what's known as a syllogistic fallacy. Just because men are molesters and your babysitter might be male does NOT mean that your babysitter is a molester.

Since almost all rapists are men, does this mean that you'll never let a boy date your daughter?
Since almost all serial killers are men, does this mean that you'll never let a man work with your daughter or talk to her?
Since almost all molesters are men, what happens when your girl babysitter has her boyfriend come visit?

I know! Why don't you create such an environment of fear that boys are assumed to be molesters just because they have a penis? That's an awesome idea. Why don't you just transfer all of your petty paranoia and stupidity to your children so that they're just as fucked up as you?

Here's something else to think about. If you treat someone like something that they're not, eventually they will become that something.

Reason #2: Boys are more hormonal than girls and their brains make them do strange things.

Bullfuckingshit. Find me a boy who lets his little head do the talking, and I'll show you a girl who has recently discovered that her body can convince boys to do whatever she wants. I'll speak in small words here, so see if you can follow along. The goal is to find someone who will know right from wrong even with hormones running wild. See? How hard was that?

Reason #3: Girls are more nurturing than boys.

I babysat from when I was 11 until I was 18. I was an excellent sitter. I watched boys and girls from six months old to 11-12 years old. I changed diapers, made dinner, helped with homework, put the kids to bed, and cleaned up. Some of the kids were family, some weren't. And I got asked back to be the sitter time and time again, because I was the only sitter that the parents liked. The girl sitters? Would sit on the phone all night, have their boyfriends over, and do a piss-poor job of actually taking care of the kids.

Splitting the ability to nurture and care along gender lines is the same thing as expecting all Asians to be good at math, all blacks to be good as basketball, and all Germans to be Nazis. It's a shitty perspective.


It's all about making smart decisions, not stupid fucking choices based on bad information, faulty logic, and fear. You should never assume that a girl babysitter is going to be awesome and you should never assume a boy babysitter is going to fucking molest your child. Anyone, male or female, that watches your child should be someone that you can trust, and you should do your due diligence in making sure your child is in good hands. Simply choosing to eliminate male babysitters from the equation, though, is stupid, ignorant, and sets the worst type of example for your child to follow.

In conclusion, don't be a fucking douchey cunt. The End.

**P.S. Let me say that most of the commenters were intelligent and logical and said things like "you should figure that out on a case-by-case basis". But it was the fucking idiots like Imhelendt who supported this completely illogical and irrational perspective.

**P.P.S. ARRRGGHHHHH I hate ignorant people.

An Open Letter

Tuesday, February 12th, 2008

Now that the WGA strike may be ending, the influx of reruns, brainless reality shows, and movies of the week may start being replaced with new television shows. In the interest of making sure that the writers earn their newly negotiated increases, here is an open letter to those who run and write my favorite shows:

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Dear writers of Pushing Daisies,

You guys are awesome! The show is perfect as it is – don't change a thing. Well, if you could make every episode two hours instead of one, that would be appreciated.

Love,

Adam

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Dear writers of 30 Rock,

Give Pete some more screen time. He's a great foil for Liz. And Liz needs to fight jerks and injustice more. That's her main character trait. Remember how she bought the entire hot dog stand's supply because of the guy who tried to butt in line? Awww, memories.

Blurg,

Adam

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Dear writers of The Office,

Please let Toby get laid. I feel so bad for him and all he wants is some loving. I would also like to see some more brilliant pranks pulled on Dwight, like when Jim made Dwight hit himself in the face with his phone. Also, I love Pam. You guys are awesome, though, and your version is so much better than the UK one.

Cheers,

Adam

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Dear writers of Supernatural,

Don't you think it would be cool if Dean and Sam got recruited by the FBI to run an X Files-type task force? Then they'd have plenty of resources and they'd know where to go and you wouldn't have to come up with really cheesy ways for them to find out where they should go next. Other than that, this season has been pretty good. Nice job.

Spookily yours,

Adam

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Dear writers of Law & Order,

Can't we give Jack McCoy his old job back? Please??? And that female cop from last season was awesome – why did you have to get rid of her? I miss Lennie Brisco. I know you do too.

Duhn-duhn,

Adam

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Dear writers of Heroes,

Please quit. Go back to your job at McDonald's. Let someone else take over.

Regards,

Adam

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Dear writers of Chuck,

Okay, so Chuck's got this computer in his brain that allows him to cross-reference millions of pieces of data and come up with connections that nobody else can, right? So why can't all of this knowledge come with a little practical skill application? I'd like to see Chuck get some bad-ass ninja skills programmed into his head. Then he can stop being quite so whiny. Oh, and Adam Baldwin's Casey is his second best character after Jayne from Serenity.

Gruffly,

Adam

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Dear writers of Reaper,

Where is your show bible? Your show has no consistency and no structure. Rather than relying on Ray Wise's moments of awesome hamminess and several bad gags, why not come up with something that feels like an actual show? I'd like to continue watching your show, but I'm on the fence.

Devilishly,

Adam

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Dear writers of Scrubs,

I hate you. Why are you making JD and Eliot and Carla and Turk and Cox and Bob and Janitor leave me? Please don't leave me. I'll do anything!

Love and kisses and hugs and tears,

Adam

Fryday

Monday, February 11th, 2008

On Friday, a friend bought a large deep fryer.

On Saturday, we got together, bought a huge variety of different foods, and had Fryday!

As I consumed more fried food in one sitting than most people eat in a year, I could hear my heart sobbing and begging for mercy. So I just chewed louder to drown out its voice.

The hour and a half I spent in my throne room afterwards was totally worth it. As was the night of sleeping sitting up in a chair to avoid acid reflux.

We're doing it again next weekend.

Go behind the link for photos (thanks to liquid):

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Lazy Sunday XXVII

Sunday, February 10th, 2008

Thanks to Sheila:

1. If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say?
Thank God! We've been trying so hard and measuring the length and stickiness of my vaginal secretions for months.

2. Do you trust all of your friends?
The question is, do they trust me enough not to check for hidden video cameras.

3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
I'll move wherever Natalie Portman asks me to.

4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Actually, I think God is a big wrinkled purple grape. Yes, that means that everything happens for a raisin.

5. Can you make a dollar in change right now?
Lengthwise or widthwise?

6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?
Let me go play doctor with each of them and report back.

7. Are you afraid of falling in love?
Acid, yes. Love, no.

9. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
Whatever happened to The Noid?

10. What’s your favorite scar?
Britney's C-section scar.

11. When was the last time you flew in a plane?
Has anyone every flown in a fancy?

12. What did the last text message you sent say?
I am standing outside your window.

13. What features do you find most attractive in the preferred sex?
Lack of a penis.

14. Fill in the blank. I love ________.
Mad Libs.

15. What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
Can I fit four people in my underwear?

16. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended time who would you call?
Britt. You just know she's the one who put me there.

17. How many kids do you want to have?
Depends on how hungry I am.

18. Would you make a good parent?
As long as they didn't breach the contract I'd make them sign once they emerged from the womb.

19. Where was your favorite picture taken?
Did it go somewhere?

20. What’s your middle name?
Danger. Wait, no that's my maiden name.

21. Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?
I hope my shoes match my g-string on stage tonight.

22. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
I'd totally hook up with my mom at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance.

23. Who was or will be the maid of honor/ best man in your wedding?
This one or my next one?

24. What are you wearing right now?
A t-shirt that says "Yes I use these to my advantage". That's it.

25. Righty or Lefty?
I write with my right hand. I masturbate with both simultaneously.

26. Best place to eat?
New York City, 1978

27. Favorite jeans?
My acid-washed Levi's that I wear when I drive around listening to Rush sing "Tom Sawyer".

28. Favorite Animal?
As a pet? A monkey.
Sexually? A dolphin.

29. Favorite juice?
Man

30. Have you had the chicken pox?
Is that the one where the doctor has to give you a pill rectally every few hours and he breathes really funny and your back is wet?

31. Have you had a sore throat?
Only after it's my night behind the gloryhole.

32. Ever had a bar fight?
No, but I've had a truck stop.

33. Who knows you the best?
My Tivo.

34. Shoe size?
13. Soft.

35. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
I have perfect eyesight. For now.

36. Ever been in a fight with your pet?
Only when they don't recognize my safeword.

37. Been to Mexico?
I like to sneak over the border and eat a couple of chickens or dogs, leave a big mess, and perpetuate the myth of la chupacabra.

38. Did you buy something today?
I tried to buy my self respect back. Couldn't afford it.

39. Did you get sick today?
No, I gave it.

40. Do you miss someone today?
The day's not over yet.

41. Did you get in a fight with someone today?
Well, I ran up and punched this old lady in the back of the head at the grocery store. She didn't see it coming, and when I left, her left foot was twitching. So I'm not sure what kind of fight that was.

42. When is the last time you had a massage?
I give myself a happy ending every day.

43. Last person to lie in your bed?
We always tell the truth in the bedroom.

44. Last person to see you cry?
My tear ducts were shot off in the war. They're made from aluminum now.

45. Who made you cry?
The creepy Burger King spokesperson.

46. What was the last TV show you watched?
Everybody Loves Raymond's Nuts in their Mouth

47. What are your plans for the weekend?
Deep frying random foods and eating them.

48. Who do you think will repost this?
My fourth, sixth, and twelfth commenters.

49. Who was the last person you hung out with?
An elf, a mage, and a swordsman. Oh, you mean in real life?

50. If your significant other asked you to marry them TODAY, what would you say?
But what about my wife?