Avitable » 2008

On Friday, Bossy visited Orlando on part of her nationwide road trip. Since I had Saturday and Sunday posts already written, this is the first chance I've had to mention it.

Since I only had a few blurry photos from my iPhone, I've had to rely on my notoriously shaky memory to recall our Friday night get-together. I seem to remember all of the women dancing on the bar, while Karl and I collected tips and cash from all of the catcalling men. I know that we made about $600, and I somehow ended up with 7 pairs of panties. Also, when I woke up the next morning, boy, was my ass sore!

Click me for the large version.

Thanks to the following people for coming!

Angie, from A Whole Lot of Nothing
Jean, from Little Miss Sunshine State
Em, from You Know, Whatever
Karl, from Secondhand Tryptophan
Maggie, from a Livejournal blog that I don't remember the URL for.

If you're in an area where Bossy is going to be visiting, I'd recommend trying to meet her. She's a very dynamic, friendly person who seems like a genuine free spirit, and Amy and I both loved having her as a guest in our home.

posted by Avitable Monday, March 31, 2008 @ 12:00 am comments (39)
filed under My Art tagged avitable, bloggers, bossy, bossys road trip, flickr, my art, pussycat dolls

You can find last week's answers and contest winner in an extended entry, but now it's time for today's Lazy Sunday contest! This week's prize is another iPod Shuffle!

Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! I'm trying to find a good balance between easy and hard questions, too, so if you feel frustrated, just answer the ones you know. Everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct - I promise.

The rules:

It's very simple. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can - some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. You have two chances to comment with your answers.

Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket - you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera.

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

I've tried to make it slightly more Google-proof, although some of them are easily found if you're lazy. Otherwise, it should be simple, but if you have any questions, just ask in the comments.

Ready? Here we go!

1. How did you wake up this morning?
Fully dressed, on top of the covers, on my stomach with my butt in the air and my nose pressed against my pillow.

2. Which is more romantic: sunrise or sunset?
As we fly into the sun to reignite it, I don't get to experience either.

3. Are you wearing any non-clothing items?
A hockey mask, plus I'm carrying a baseball bat and a golf club.

4. What did you do yesterday?
The Triple Lindy.

5. Would you take a bullet for anyone?
No, but I'd keep a watch in my ass.

6. Did you meet anyone new today?
This kid with an upside-down face.

7. Have you ever been on the radio?
Like, the CB Radio? Yeah, my handle was Lost Sheep.

8. What did you drink today?
Ten tons of Sunny D.

9. What's the last bone you broke?
None. But I have stabbed my brain when I had my finger in my nose and my dad launched our car through the air by accident.

10. Where was the last place you went shopping?
I don't shop anymore since I was apprehended shoplifting when I was five years old.

11. When did you go swimming last?
A while ago, when I was a kid. I was drowning when I was rescued by this naked blonde chick off Cape Cod.

12. What book did you read last?
The Necronomicon. When it wasn't trying to bite me.

13. Do you like animals?
Just my friend Rizzo.

14. Are you scared of spiders?
Yes, especially when they're the size of a car. I have to get William Buckley to kill them.

15. How do you walk?
Like Khaba.

And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
Read more...

posted by Avitable Sunday, March 30, 2008 @ 12:00 am comments (37)
filed under Memes and more tagged amazon.com, avitable, contest, fun, gift certificate, lazy blogging, meme, memes, movie quotes, movies, myspace, surveys

Here is the original file.

Update: When I was doing the credits, I forgot to add a donor. Thanks to Hilly's MIL for donating as well!

posted by Avitable Saturday, March 29, 2008 @ 12:00 am comments (26)
filed under Vlog tagged avitable, contest, hilly, send hilly to philly, thanks, vlog, youtube

Don't you hate when come clogs up your urethra after masturbating and when you go to pee, you pee in fourteen different directions, including straight up?

Don't you hate when you are holding onto your penis after coming to stem the flow until you can get rid of it, and you cough, which makes your hand relax, and you hit yourself in the face?

Don't you hate when you're washing your asshole and your fingernail accidentally scrapes right across it?

Don't you hate when you put peanut butter on your balls and ass crack for the dog to lick off and she uses her teeth a bit too much?

Don't you hate when the frozen hot dog breaks off in your ass?

Don't you hate when you get the pictures of breasts from your two different illicit online lovers mixed up with each other?

Don't you hate when you shave off your pubes and put them on a pizza for a friend to eat and he doesn't even notice?

Don't you hate the smell of the carpet when Mistress Dark is over and she's pushing you face-down while stepping on your balls with her high heels?

Don't you hate having to learn the names of all of the new crop of underage hookers down in the red light district after the old group were killed by their johns and pimps?

Don't you hate getting caught naked in a room full of small children covered in Crisco?

Don't you hate when the cops are going to let you off with a warning, and then they accidentally see the dead hooker in your backseat?

Don't you hate when the tranny can't get hard because of the hormones, so you have to jerk yourself off?

Don't you hate having anal sex with someone who has explosive diarrhea?

Don't you hate when ninjas ransack your house and take your animal porn collection?

Don't you hate when donkeys ransack your house and take your ninja porn collection?

Don't you hate the fact that even though it sounds like it, "statutory rape" doesn't mean it's mandatory by law?

Don't you hate when you're masturbating with the Sears catalog and you get a paper cut on the head of your penis?

Don't you hate how gay porn actually makes you feel funny in your pants?

Don't you hate when the Roofies don't work right?

Don't you hate when the naked pictures you mailed to Avril Lavigne come back to you with a restraining order?

UPDATE: I got reviewed at "Ask and Ye Shall Receive!" Well, I didn't get a rating, but I got a spanking!

See this post on Humor Blogs, too.

posted by Avitable Friday, March 28, 2008 @ 12:00 am comments (57)
filed under Dirty talk tagged avitable, ejaculation, hate, humor, masturbation, sex

Please welcome the lovely and talented Golf Widow who has agreed to write a guest post for me today. Give her lots of comment love, fuckers.:

At the beginning of this year, the Fortune 500 company for which I'd been working the past seven years informed me that my position was being eliminated due to "budgetary constraints," because somehow my meager salary was cramping their style, what with their very healthy 2007 fourth-quarter earnings and their recent acquisition of another company to merge into one of their divisions.

Bitter? I? Never.

I have been selling guest posts to other bloggers for $2 a pop to make money, thus supplementing the lack of income I've been forced to cope with since this change of circumstances. I've sold quite a few of them. No one has asked for their money back, so far.

Thanks to Avitable, this site is now going to be host to some information you probably never would have seen appear here, otherwise. I figured it would be okay, because Avi has a fair few women reading this, and the men would just decide that he's "getting in touch with his feminine side" or "being a lot gayer than usual," to which I would like to interject "Not That There's Anything Wrong With That."

Anyway, it has been suggested to me, by a fair few people, that my writing skills would be most valuable to a site such as Associated Content, but I don't feel as if I have enough experience with any given topic to write knowledgeably about it.

This morning, I woke up thinking I actually do have enough knowledge to write an article called, "How to Have a Monthly Period," because I've been having those for about two and a half decades now, but the people who need that information are kind of limited. Women don't need to know, men don't want to know, and little girls aren't reading Associated Content.

Basically, little boys would be the ones who'd want this information, but you know what they're looking for. Pictures of boobies and naughty bits.

The stuff I know about monthly periods, about how messy it is and how sick it makes me feel, and how it's not the beautiful, magical womanly crapola the books and films promised me it would be, would certainly turn little boys off women for life.

I'm not saying it would turn them gay. That's not possible, as far as I know. But it would certainly make them realize they don't want to deal with P.M.S. or P.M.D.D.

I don't want to deal with either of those either.

But I suddenly realized something kind of crucial, when I started punching numbers into my calculator to figure out that I was eleven when I got my first period, and it was springtime, so I'm going to be thirty-holy-crap-seven next month, so that's twenty-six years, times twelve months, fairly regularly, that's three hundred twelve periods I've had so far.

Give or take a few. Because I missed one last month.

And I don't remember having one the month before.

I had better be going through the change, because I am as ill-equipped as Juno MacGuff to deal with a baby right about now.

Less so, because I am not nearly as cute as she is, and I don't have Diablo Cody writing my next line either, if I am.

Which is not to say that I'm ready to deal with menopause, either.

THIS IS NOT A GOOD TIME.

Associate that content.

posted by Avitable Thursday, March 27, 2008 @ 12:00 am comments (37)
filed under Substitute Avitable tagged avitable, golf widow, guest bloggers, menstruation, period, substitute avitable

Yesterday, Turnbaby was talking about people flying their freak flag high, and that got me thinking:

I am a control freak. I've been told that by ~~obnoxious fuckers~~ thoughtful employees, family members, and people I pass on the street. Everyone uses it pejoratively, but I take it as a compliment. Why is being a control freak a bad thing?

Clearly, you can never be fully in control of a situation. It's impossible. There is always going to be some element of spontaneity and chance. You could be locked in your room with padded walls and a meteor could crash through your roof. The first step of being a good control freak is to realize that not everything will go according to plan.

The second step is making sure that you will control everything that you can control. This way, barring any unforeseen meteors, gas main explosions, wolf attacks, or power outages, things will operate as you expect them to.

The third step is realizing that most people are lazy idiots. If you put your trust in them, they will let you down, and if you trust them to perform some task that you see as vital, they will invariably make an error or fuck it up in some way. So, even if you have to delegate tasks to other people, it's important to keep on top of each person on a very regular basis until you know that they've handled their task perfectly.

Finally, it's important to be aware that you can be a control freak and still be flexible. Instead of creating only one option, come up with several, all related to different scenarios. This way, no matter the outcome, you have a solution.

A good control freak can make sure that things work as expected, that everything happens as it should, and that accidents and fuck-ups are at a minimum. And that means that everything works smoothly and things work efficiently! It's very simple and it's clear to me that the world needs control freaks if shit's gonna get done.

Without control freaks, things get out of control. Parties run out of food or booze. Cars get in accidents. Typographical errors are made. Clients are forgotten. It's a huge ball of chaos!

Here are the ways that I'm proudly a control freak:

1. I only go places where I know I'll be comfortable.
2. I hate to let others drive and will always drive if at all possible.
3. I hate to fly.
4. I don't drink, mainly because I don't want to be out of control.
5. I research carefully before making any major decisions.
6. I don't let other people schedule anything for me.
7. It's important for me to be aware of what's happening.
8. I don't like to let anyone else plan events.
9. I hate "winging it".
10. I despise surprises.
11. I plan for contingencies (e.g., packing three times the amount of underwear and socks, bringing extras of everything).
12. I'd rather host something than go to someone else's house as a guest.
13. I wish that I could calculate every possible outcome.
14. I hold myself to the same standard to which I hold others.
15. If I'm in control and things don't go well, I only have myself to blame. It's just much easier than blaming someone else for being a retard.
16. I try to avoid rollercoasters and other types of machinery that are being maintained by idiots making minimum wage.
17. Once I know a food that I like, I stick with it. Why experiment and risk getting something bad, thereby ruining the entire time?
18. If I'm not one of the decision makers of a group, I'd rather not participate.

What type of freak are you?

posted by Avitable Wednesday, March 26, 2008 @ 12:00 am comments (69)
filed under General tagged avitable, control freak, freak flag

Have you ever had a day where you can't come up with shit to blog? That's me, right now.

I'm sitting here experiencing a random stream of consciousness while I think about what I can blog. It goes something like this:

"What can I blog? Hmm. Nothing interesting has really happened that I can talk about, I'm tired, I haven't almost killed myself in a long time, I hope I have a book in the bathroom because I know I'll be spending an hour in there soon, there's nothing good on TV to discuss except Ghost Hunters, Hilly's going to Philly, everybody's birthdays are over, a new employee starts tomorrow, Bossy comes Friday, my office is a mess, here I sit, in my underwear and socks, trying to write a post. My socks are annoying me because they both have huge holes in them and my toes poke out. Boy, my toes are horrible. Has the blogoringoboingoverse seen my toes?"

The answer, dear reader, is no. No, you have not seen my toes. Until now!

When I started blogging, there was one blogger that I looked up to. His posts were always very creative, and he had legions of fans. I carefully examined his style and methods. I marveled at the posts he came up with, and still comes up with, on a regular basis. As I get older and become more seasoned at blogging, I hope to someday surpass this blogger.

I'm talking, of course, about Mr. Fabulous.

However, today is not Mr. Fabulous's birthday. It's Dave's! If you don't read Dave, you're missing out. Every post, whether it's about wiping his butt or just an image, is a treat - he's one of the most creatively skilled people I know. Not only that, but he's the nicest person I know, too. Seriously. One day I asked him if I could skin him and wear him to a costume party, and he handed me his own personal potato/skin peeler to do the job! That's just one small example of his altruism and karmic personality.

For Dave's birthday, I decided to give him the one thing he wants: A marriage to Elizabeth Hurley!

Today, I'd also like to talk quickly about an awesome blogger named Hilly. Most of you already know Hilly's blog very well, and if you don't, get over there and fix that. She's cute and funny and dirty and wonderful. And I really, really, really want to meet her.

I have the chance to meet her when I go to TequilaCon 2008, but there's one problem. At this point of the year, given the shitty economy and costs of flights from Los Angeles to Philly, she might not be able to make it!

This just won't do, people. This boy has to meet HillySue!

So here's my solution, and a chance for you to turn a dollar into fifty! I know that some of you have an extra dollar or five rattling around in your Paypal account. It's not doing you any good there. Why not donate it?

And for everyone who donates and/or puts one of the following buttons in a post (use the code provided) and asks your readers to come here and donate, I'll enter you into a drawing to get a $50 Amazon.com gift certificate! So spending $1, 5, or 10 to help me meet Hilly will give you a chance at $50!

<a href="http://www.avitable.com/2008/03/24/holy-dave-day/" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.avitable.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/hillytophillyblue.gif" border="0"></a>

<a href="http://www.avitable.com/2008/03/24/holy-dave-day/" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.avitable.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/hillytophillypink.gif" border="0"></a>

The contest ends on April 6th. If instead of donating you own a private plane that you want to loan us, that will work, too. Thanks!

posted by Avitable Monday, March 24, 2008 @ 12:00 am comments (36)
filed under My Art tagged avitable, birthday, blogography, dave, donate, my art, paypal, send hilly to philly, snackiepoo

You can find last week's answers and contest winner in an extended entry, but now it's time for today's Lazy Sunday contest! This week's prize is a $30 Amazon.com Gift Card!

The rules:

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

I've tried to make it slightly more Google-proof, although some of them are easily found if you're lazy. Otherwise, it should be simple, but if you have any questions, just ask in the comments.

Ready? Here we go!

1. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Yes, but this time, Susan would probably be arrested. She'll have to wait until I'm 30 for real.

2. Last voicemail you received?
From my friend Marcus. He's in Egypt.

3. What did you do yesterday?
I traded in my halo to be with this beautiful doctor. Today really sucks, though.

4. What's the first thing you would do with 5 million dollars?
I'd have a Zoroastrian named Wilma shave my testicles ritualistically.

5. What color socks are you wearing?
White. They go well with my white loafers and gray suit.

6. What are you listening to?
Desperado. Every time I hear it, I stare off into space.

7. How many fingers am i holding up?
Six. On one hand.

8. When's the last time you cried?
When Claire died. If she hadn't had to drive me home, she never would have been hit by that drunk driver.

9. Have you ever crawled through a window?
I usually only jump through windows when they're skylights. It makes for a great entrance, especially if there's a bad guy inside.

10. What do you spend most of your money on?
Wigs, women's dresses, makeup, glasses, and everything else I need to be believable as Dorothy Michaels.

11. Who has your heart?
It's been totally eclipsed by Bonnie.

12. Have you ever kissed two people in the same day?
Are we talking about a church kiss?

13. Do you like yourself?
Only when I think about you. Then I really like myself.

14. What objects are around you right now?
Well, there are some moths, a pit, a hose, a bucket on a rope, and some lotion.

15. What's your middle name?
I don't have one. Neither does my brother Ambrose.

And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
Read more...

posted by Avitable Sunday, March 23, 2008 @ 12:00 am comments (56)
filed under Memes and more tagged amazon.com, avitable, contest, fun, gift certificate, lazy blogging, meme, memes, movie quotes, movies, myspace, surveys