Archive for March, 2008

On Friday, Bossy visited Orlando on part of her nationwide road trip. Since I had Saturday and Sunday posts already written, this is the first chance I've had to mention it.

Since I only had a few blurry photos from my iPhone, I've had to rely on my notoriously shaky memory to recall our Friday night get-together. I seem to remember all of the women dancing on the bar, while Karl and I collected tips and cash from all of the catcalling men. I know that we made about $600, and I somehow ended up with 7 pairs of panties. Also, when I woke up the next morning, boy, was my ass sore!

Click me for the large version.

Thanks to the following people for coming!

Angie, from A Whole Lot of Nothing
Jean, from Little Miss Sunshine State
Em, from You Know, Whatever
Karl, from Secondhand Tryptophan
Maggie, from a Livejournal blog that I don't remember the URL for.

If you're in an area where Bossy is going to be visiting, I'd recommend trying to meet her. She's a very dynamic, friendly person who seems like a genuine free spirit, and Amy and I both loved having her as a guest in our home.

If you're new to the horrors of Avitable.com, don't miss out. Subscribe to my RSS feed!

You can find last week's answers and contest winner in an extended entry, but now it's time for today's Lazy Sunday contest! This week's prize is another iPod Shuffle!

Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! I'm trying to find a good balance between easy and hard questions, too, so if you feel frustrated, just answer the ones you know. Everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct – I promise.

The rules:

It's very simple. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can – some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. You have two chances to comment with your answers.

Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket – you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera.

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

I've tried to make it slightly more Google-proof, although some of them are easily found if you're lazy. Otherwise, it should be simple, but if you have any questions, just ask in the comments.

Ready? Here we go!

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1. How did you wake up this morning?
Fully dressed, on top of the covers, on my stomach with my butt in the air and my nose pressed against my pillow.

2. Which is more romantic: sunrise or sunset?
As we fly into the sun to reignite it, I don't get to experience either.

3. Are you wearing any non-clothing items?
A hockey mask, plus I'm carrying a baseball bat and a golf club.

4. What did you do yesterday?
The Triple Lindy.

5. Would you take a bullet for anyone?
No, but I'd keep a watch in my ass.

6. Did you meet anyone new today?
This kid with an upside-down face.

7. Have you ever been on the radio?
Like, the CB Radio? Yeah, my handle was Lost Sheep.

8. What did you drink today?
Ten tons of Sunny D.

9. What's the last bone you broke?
None. But I have stabbed my brain when I had my finger in my nose and my dad launched our car through the air by accident.

10. Where was the last place you went shopping?
I don't shop anymore since I was apprehended shoplifting when I was five years old.

11. When did you go swimming last?
A while ago, when I was a kid. I was drowning when I was rescued by this naked blonde chick off Cape Cod.

12. What book did you read last?
The Necronomicon. When it wasn't trying to bite me.

13. Do you like animals?
Just my friend Rizzo.

14. Are you scared of spiders?
Yes, especially when they're the size of a car. I have to get William Buckley to kill them.

15. How do you walk?
Like Khaba.

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And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
Read the rest of this entry »

Here is the original file.

Update: When I was doing the credits, I forgot to add a donor. Thanks to Hilly's MIL for donating as well!

Don't you hate when come clogs up your urethra after masturbating and when you go to pee, you pee in fourteen different directions, including straight up?

Don't you hate when you are holding onto your penis after coming to stem the flow until you can get rid of it, and you cough, which makes your hand relax, and you hit yourself in the face?

Don't you hate when you're washing your asshole and your fingernail accidentally scrapes right across it?

Don't you hate when you put peanut butter on your balls and ass crack for the dog to lick off and she uses her teeth a bit too much?

Don't you hate when the frozen hot dog breaks off in your ass?

Don't you hate when you get the pictures of breasts from your two different illicit online lovers mixed up with each other?

Don't you hate when you shave off your pubes and put them on a pizza for a friend to eat and he doesn't even notice?

Don't you hate the smell of the carpet when Mistress Dark is over and she's pushing you face-down while stepping on your balls with her high heels?

Don't you hate having to learn the names of all of the new crop of underage hookers down in the red light district after the old group were killed by their johns and pimps?

Don't you hate getting caught naked in a room full of small children covered in Crisco?

Don't you hate when the cops are going to let you off with a warning, and then they accidentally see the dead hooker in your backseat?

Don't you hate when the tranny can't get hard because of the hormones, so you have to jerk yourself off?

Don't you hate having anal sex with someone who has explosive diarrhea?

Don't you hate when ninjas ransack your house and take your animal porn collection?

Don't you hate when donkeys ransack your house and take your ninja porn collection?

Don't you hate the fact that even though it sounds like it, "statutory rape" doesn't mean it's mandatory by law?

Don't you hate when you're masturbating with the Sears catalog and you get a paper cut on the head of your penis?

Don't you hate how gay porn actually makes you feel funny in your pants?

Don't you hate when the Roofies don't work right?

Don't you hate when the naked pictures you mailed to Avril Lavigne come back to you with a restraining order?

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UPDATE: I got reviewed at "Ask and Ye Shall Receive!" Well, I didn't get a rating, but I got a spanking!

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See this post on Humor Blogs, too.

Please welcome the lovely and talented Golf Widow who has agreed to write a guest post for me today. Give her lots of comment love, fuckers.:

At the beginning of this year, the Fortune 500 company for which I'd been working the past seven years informed me that my position was being eliminated due to "budgetary constraints," because somehow my meager salary was cramping their style, what with their very healthy 2007 fourth-quarter earnings and their recent acquisition of another company to merge into one of their divisions.

Bitter? I? Never.

I have been selling guest posts to other bloggers for $2 a pop to make money, thus supplementing the lack of income I've been forced to cope with since this change of circumstances. I've sold quite a few of them. No one has asked for their money back, so far.

Thanks to Avitable, this site is now going to be host to some information you probably never would have seen appear here, otherwise. I figured it would be okay, because Avi has a fair few women reading this, and the men would just decide that he's "getting in touch with his feminine side" or "being a lot gayer than usual," to which I would like to interject "Not That There's Anything Wrong With That."

Anyway, it has been suggested to me, by a fair few people, that my writing skills would be most valuable to a site such as Associated Content, but I don't feel as if I have enough experience with any given topic to write knowledgeably about it.

This morning, I woke up thinking I actually do have enough knowledge to write an article called, "How to Have a Monthly Period," because I've been having those for about two and a half decades now, but the people who need that information are kind of limited. Women don't need to know, men don't want to know, and little girls aren't reading Associated Content.

Basically, little boys would be the ones who'd want this information, but you know what they're looking for. Pictures of boobies and naughty bits.

The stuff I know about monthly periods, about how messy it is and how sick it makes me feel, and how it's not the beautiful, magical womanly crapola the books and films promised me it would be, would certainly turn little boys off women for life.

I'm not saying it would turn them gay. That's not possible, as far as I know. But it would certainly make them realize they don't want to deal with P.M.S. or P.M.D.D.

I don't want to deal with either of those either.

But I suddenly realized something kind of crucial, when I started punching numbers into my calculator to figure out that I was eleven when I got my first period, and it was springtime, so I'm going to be thirty-holy-crap-seven next month, so that's twenty-six years, times twelve months, fairly regularly, that's three hundred twelve periods I've had so far.

Give or take a few. Because I missed one last month.

And I don't remember having one the month before.

I had better be going through the change, because I am as ill-equipped as Juno MacGuff to deal with a baby right about now.

Less so, because I am not nearly as cute as she is, and I don't have Diablo Cody writing my next line either, if I am.

Which is not to say that I'm ready to deal with menopause, either.

THIS IS NOT A GOOD TIME.

Associate that content.