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Orlando survived . . . barely.


Last night, I had the pleasure of meeting Karl from Secondhand Tryptophan and Kevin from Kapgar, along with his lovely wife Katie. We met over at Downtown Disney and headed over to the Raglan Road Irish Pub for a great dinner. Britt was going to join us, but she pulled a groin muscle after her little cheerleading stunt yesterday and needed to plunk her crotch in a bowl of ice. Or maybe her babysitter canceled on her. Either way, it was just the four of us, and we had a great time!

Karl started off the evening by hitting on every waitress (and a few waiters) that walked by. He got 14 different phone numbers! Of course, they all started with “555”. Katie smacked me with a wooden spoon that she carried around in her purse and berated me for scarring her husband for life with my Letter to My Body post. Kevin just curled up at the table and rocked back and forth, saying “No cheeseburger no cheeseburger no cheeseburger”.

The Guinness flowed like sludge and it wasn’t too long before Katie was up on the table, dancing an Irish jig. Kevin joined the little Irish band on stage by playing the jug and singing with an impressive brogue, and Karl convinced one of the waitresses to give him her panties.

I, of course, remained my normal reserved self and quietly ate my steak while everyone else went crazy. By the end of the night, though, we all had new matching tattoos on our butts that spelled out “They’re always after me Lucky Charms” when the four of us stood naked cheek to cheek. We also admired Katie’s huge tattoo of a devil on a motorcycle punching a nun in the face. You never would have guessed – she seemed so sweet!

After a good meal, lots of liquor, great music, and an excellent time, Kevin and Katie went back to their hotel room for a game of naked Monopoly, Karl left with four Asian women who kept running their fingers through his hair and calling him “Karrrrr”, and I picked up a hooker in downtown Orlando that I could smack around for a bit.

All in all, a fun night out. Thanks guys!

The rest of today’s entry is about Sunday’s contest, with the correct answers and the winner chosen. Click to keep reading.

Thanks to everyone who played in this week’s Lazy Sunday contest! Before I get into the winner (and how I chose him or her), here are the answers. Many of you guessed most of them (or Googled or copied from other commenters), but one in particular had all but two of you stumped and one had you fluctuating between options. Here goes:

1. What curse word do you use the most?
I love to call people “beloved cunt”.
As most people guessed, this is from Larry David’s brilliant Curb Your Enthusiasm. When his wife’s aunt died, he put an obituary in the paper that would have said “beloved aunt” if not for an unfortunate typo.

2. Do you own an iPod?
Yup. Her name’s Rosebud.
It’s not Caine or Cain or Cane or Kain. It’s Citizen Kane. And it’s a sled.

3. Who on your MySpace β€œTop 8” do you talk to the most?
Either Ginger or MaryAnn.
Another easy one. Gilligan’s Island. And for the record, I prefer Ginger’s red hair but Mary Ann’s attitude.

4. What time is your alarm clock set for?
6:00 AM, every single day. And the radio always plays the same damn song, too.
Groundhog Day. I thought this one might be a bit harder than it was.

5. What color is your room?
It’s not Purple Rain. It’s The Color Purple. I almost made my answer “the color purple” but thought that was a bit too easy.

6. Flip flops or sneakers?
I only wear Campari.
Only one of you got this one right on their first try. Campari is from Sex in the City. The episode titled “The Urban Shoe Myth” centers around the black patent mary jane Manolo Blahniks that are called Campari. And no, he didn’t drink Campari Shoes on the Life Aquatic!

7. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
I’d rather develop the photos and then get unhealthily obsessed with the people in the photos.
Yes, most of you guessed it. This is One Hour Photo with Robin Williams and that guy from Alias.

8. Has anyone ever called you lazy?
It’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I just don’t care.
I shouldn’t have put this as an exact quote, since many of you could have just Googled it. It is indeed from Office Space, said by Ron Livingston’s character in response to a question by the always awesome John C. McGinley.

9. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster?
I usually drink some drain cleaner, but sometimes I’ll try a mixture of OJ and milk.
Heathers it is! This was an easy one.

10. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk?
I prefer White Russians.
This one could have been a couple, I guess, although The Big Lebowski is the one that immediately comes to most people’s minds and is, indeed, the right answer. I might have to try trick answers next time.

11. Has anyone told you a secret this week?
My friend Malcolm Crowe is dead.
If you answered this, you used Google. I can’t imagine that anyone would know his name without Google. Own up to it, fuckers. It is from The Sixth Sense.

12. Have you ever given someone a hickey?
Yes. Since the invention of the kiss there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate. Mine was one of them.
Another almost direct quote from The Princess Bride.

13. Who was the last person to call you?
This guy who wanted to know if there was a Mr. Freely here. A Mr. I. P. Freely.
I’m sure this could have many references but the only one I meant was The Simpsons, and that’s all that counts.

14. Do you think people talk about you behind your back?
I know they do. Usually they say that I am the biggest Mexican they’ve ever seen – big as shit.
While not as good as its predecessor, El Mariachi, Desperado was one of my favorite movies in college. This line was from Steve Buscemi’s character, referring to Antonio Banderas’s unnamed protagonist.

15. Did you watch cartoons as a child?
No. We didn’t have a TV. I grew up as a poor black child.
Another easy one for you guys – The Jerk.

How I chose the winner:

First, I entered everyone’s answers into a spreadsheet, giving 1 point for each correct answer and 0 points for each wrong answer. The total number of points equaled the person’s “raffle tickets” for the drawing.


Then I created a randomized list using of every “raffle ticket” – basically each person’s name was repeated as many times as they had right answers. This gave me a random list of 321 entries.

Finally, using again, I asked it to generate a random integer between 1 and 321. It chose #142.

142 is my winner.

Would you like to know who that is?

(drumroll please)


Congratulations – you win an iPod Shuffle! Email me to confirm your win. The rest of you, thank you for playing, and try again Sunday for a new Lazy Sunday Contest!

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55 Replies to “Orlando survived . . . barely.”

  1. BlondeBlogger

    ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!!!! I think I just woke up my husband. And our kids. And our neighbors. Seriously! I screamed at the top of my lungs!!!!

    WOOO FUCKING HOOOO! I love, love, love you!!! You have saved me from the hell of my CD walkman!!!

    You may now refer to me however you wish, lol!!!

    Thank you SO much, Adam! You so rock! :clap: :thumbsup: :dance: :sexytime:

  2. Jay

    How good is the hooker selection at Downtown Disney? I would think that it would be pretty awesome. Once Disney is done using up those Mouseketeers they have to look for a new profession, right? It’s either hooking or stripping I guess.

  3. y2k survivor

    WTF!! You… You… You blurred the last 6 lines! I don’t even know if you entered my huge assortment of awesome answers. I don’t even know I was there! And now the whole process is screwed up because you announced a winner with 6 entries blurred out of existance! I would get all irate and claim Avitabe should be hung for this offense… but according to his cartoons… he already is. Fucker

  4. y2k survivor

    ok SORRY about the sore loser bit. I need to come to grips with being a better loser, and to be truthful I would do OK except for the whole losing thing. That kind of sucks.

    Oh Yeah, and Congrats to Blonde Blogger. Sorry I told everybpdy on my blog you blew your way to a new iPod. If it helps, nobody ever reads my blog anyway.

    See? I am trying to lose with more grace! How’s it working for me?

  5. Cap

    Im just happy that I managed to get 6 answers without Googling anything. And I wonder what’s wrong with me that I never thought of using Google. Stupid stupid stupid! :banghead:

  6. SJ

    Congratulations, BlondeBlogger!

    I’m taking this as yet another sign that I am simply not meant to have an iPod. But I’m another one who didn’t have to use Google for my six answers. So there. Although I should have used IMDb for all the ones I didn’t know, dammit! :dunce:

  7. Avitable

    Amanda, you didn’t remember Desperado?

    Sarcastica, is pizza a euphemism for sex?

    BlondeBlogger, don’t forget to email me with your shipping information.

    Jay, the Mousekewhores Club is my favorite Disney destination.

    Hilly, but I’m the size of three people, so technically . . .

    Y2K, it’s not blurred on my screen – maybe it didn’t finish loading for you. Did you have your glasses on?

    Girl, Dislocated, I was trying to be all official and shit.

    Y2K, she blows her way through life – it’s okay! πŸ™‚

    Freelance Guru, nope. Sex in the City, Gilligan’s Island, Curb your Enthusiasm and The Simpsons are TV shows.

    DB, I’m just now coming down off of my heroin high.

    Cap, I appreciate your integrity!

    L, maybe next time you can try.

    SJ, there’s always next week!

    RW, you are a funny man.

    Absurdist, did you even read the fucking post? That’s his wife. She’s very tiny.

    Britt, is that why you have a huge ice pack diaper that you’re wearing around and popping ibuprofen like candy?

    Fabulous, I’m sure it will be fine. She gives it a pretty decent workout and massages it all day long.

    Robin, it’s for your own good!

  8. y2k survivor

    OK OK OK so I checked the comments this morning and it turns out the spread sheet did not load all the way on my crappy at-home 24K dial up. So I am sorry I accused you of rigging the contest for sexual favors, and I guess I need to go delete the post on my blog about how you used peanut butter to train Jigsaw to lick your balls while you watch dolphin porn.

    You had a fair and honest contest, and I suck at trivia and was the biggest loser. See, now I am really working on being a better person! And really when I called the cops and reported dead teen age hookers buried in your backyard… that was more of a prank and not a shallow attempt to stick it to you because I lost. HONEST!! I AM NOT LYING!!

    OH yeah… sorry about actually killing that teen hooker and buring her in your backyard the other day. But I gotta say, if you dig a shallow grave without wearing pants and put a dab of peanut butter on your balls… Jigsaw is like your best friend!!

    Oh do you know if they make “get well soon” cards for vaginas?

  9. bluepaintred

    I’m 28, dammit. This makes things awkward.

    Twice in the past month I have walked away from your blog feeling very “momish” about you.

    It’s as if, were you beside me when I read it, I’d pinch your cheeks and ruffle your hair and its scaring me and I want it to STOP!

  10. hellohahanarf

    damn, i didn’t win??!?!? i so wanted that silly nano. and i didn’t even google or copy answers. sigh.

    congrats, bb. enjoy it for me, k?

    adam, how about i show you my boobs and you send me a nano? wait, that is prostitution. nevermind.

  11. Grant

    During my weekend visit to my friends in SC I took time to show them your blog, in particular the “I Love My Body” post with picture. They think the cheeseburger looks photoshopped, but I didn’t really give it much thought even though it would be a sad state of affairs if you were unable to produce a cheeseburger on command.

    If you’re ever in Atlanta, we should go out for Japanese food. The J-bunnies might find me attractive if they realize that I can hang out with normal people instead of just leering at them over my book.

  12. Avitable

    Finn, hasn’t there been enough nudity and blindness on this blog?

    BPR, why did this post make you feel like that? And what was the other post?

    Hello, sorry. Maybe next time! And your boobs are definitely worth an iPod.

    Grant, unfortunately, it was photoshopped. I didn’t have an actual cheeseburger handy. And I’ve got friends in Atlanta, so coming there wouldn’t be too far fetched. I’ll let you know if I do. Japanese women love me, too.

  13. Avitable

    Poppy, oops. Thanks for the catch. I was tired when I wrote that. And there was a girl who danced on the table – she was cute, even if she only looked 16. She almost fell twice. It was really fun, though. I bought the CD, too.

  14. Poppy

    Wish you had told me, I had the CD already. πŸ˜‰ And, Danielle does look a tiny bit underage, doesn’t she… She almost fell twice? Yah, she never did that when I was watching her. She’s a professional.

  15. Poppy

    PS to #11 – I TOLD you, the movie came with my original DVD player. I have seen it about 23 trillion times. I’ve only seen two movies more than I’ve seen that one (Star Wars IV and Lost in Translation).

  16. trishk

    Congratulations Blonde Blogger!!!

    I’m slightly confused over the drawings though. Why did you not include yourself? I mean, there is no hair, no huge schlong. I don’t think you really were there.

  17. Amy

    Just checking – you didn’t bring them home and make them paint or anything, right?

    So… I could totally come visit you and we could go drink Guiness that would be fun. I just don’t want to have to paint. We can bring Jared with us so he doesn’t have to paint either.

  18. B.E. Earl

    Are there plenty of good hiding places to dispose of a dead hooker’s body in Orlando?

    You didn’t let her live, did you? πŸ˜‰

    Oh, and I went right to IMDB for the Sixth Sense answer. Don’t know why. Google would have made more sense.

  19. kapgar

    Those were women Karl left really? You sure?

    I’m just happy I got the “Lucky Charms!” portion of the tattoo on my ass. Makes me feel special.

    Oh, and I’ve been practicing that brogue for weeks in anticipation of this meeting (or a meeting with just about anybody else who would listen).

    Thanks for a good time, Mr. “After Me.”

  20. Avitable

    Poppy, yeah, Danielle was hot, but she did a good job. I think the table was a bit wet from drinks.

    TMP, that and genital piercings.

    Trish, I was wearing clothes. Duhhhh.

    Lynda, we signed a non-disclosure agreement.

    Jeff, my outer geek is fighting it as well.

    Amy, I’d never make a guest work. I barely work myself.

    Stephanie, rearry?

    B.E. Earl, well, I just have a cistern in my backyard.

    Heather, well, I was tired.

    BlondeBlogger, sweet.

    Karl, but they all started with 555!

    Kapgar, well, I did see one Adam’s apple. I thought my part of the tat was fitting. People are always chasing me – now they’ll have a sign.

    Bec, and we have clothes washers and dryers in our houses!

    Kyra, it was a bit complicated. It will be easier next time now that I have the methodology.

    Selma, want to kiss my blarney stone?

    MyWeeWorld, I’ll be the little dog.

    HG, I’ll be having a contest every week!

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