Dear Panera Bread employees
You fucking syphilitic little shitheads.
If I ever see your slackjawed drooling little cro-magnon faces in public, I will run you over in my car. And back up. And drive forwards. And back up. And drive forwards. And park on you, then squeal my tires and drive off. And then come back and pee on whatever's left.
Your job consists of either (a) pushing buttons on a register or (b) following simple, explicit instructions in the proper creation of a sandwich. Both of these tasks requires nothing more than the brainpower of a turd from a retarded frog. Not only should you have the cranial capacity to do your task plus carry on a conversation, chew gum, and avoid drooling, but you should also be able to do these things with a speed higher than an old man riding his Rascal down the sidewalk on his way to the liquor store.
To the poster child for abortion running the register: Fully 90% of your products involve bread. If you are out of a specific type of bread, this would be something that might be helpful to tell the customer before they order a sandwich on that bread and pay for it, expecting it to be on that bread. The same goes for bread bowls. If you don't even know if you're out of a major part of your inventory, you really should have skipped work, stayed home, and played hide the flesh pickle with your gross step-dad, okay? At least that way, only the person who deserves it would be getting fucked.
To the dead-eyed rabbit turd-brained skull-fuckee who prepares the sandwiches: It's bread, meat, tomato, dressing, lettuce, bread. That's it. You could even make a mnemonic out of it if you were having problems: Beat Me To Death. Love, Bobby. See? Your job is so easy that I'd like to attach electrodes to your little prepubescent testicles and shock you every time you take more than twelve seconds following a fucking picture diagram! In kindergarten, were you the one who just sat there and peed yourself while everyone else put the round peg in the round hole and got a gold star? Maybe it would have been better if your mom had just left you in the car with the window cracked while she ran into the casino for 8 or 9 hours to gamble away her welfare check. At least, then, you'd have a reason for the massive retardation that emanates from you in a palpable wave.
I hate you all. You make me fear for the future of society and weep at the potential for America's youth, but mainly you make me want to inject Ebola into your eyeballs. And once your face has melted off, I'm going to let the nastiest, rankest homeless man I can find with a rancid, rotting penis skullfuck you until your head actually explodes in an explosion of pus, semen, and more pus. This could have all been avoided had you just shown a modicum of intelligence, common sense, and ability to function in normal society.
Fuck you all, and may you die a fiery painful death.
Love,
Adam
P.S. My chocolate chip cookie was very good.
Posted in 
hey I had panera for dinner tonight. But my experience seems to have been much better than yours.
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Sigh. I wish there was a Panera Bread nearby. Even a dead-eyed rabbit turd-brained skull-fuckee would be better than nothing at all.
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We don't have Panera here but everything I've heard has been tasty-sounding.
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It is so nice to know that while I am trying to quell my psychotic rages that I can come here and see one in text… and this brings me comfort.
Thank you.
Although, I came up with a doozie the other day and was kind enough not to say it out loud… that doesn't mean I won't type it – ass reaming cock wipe!!!
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I may have been to the same Panera. The last time I was in one I spent a lot of time asking if they would please give me my damn pickle spear that I was supposed to get with my sandwich. Seriously, I guess they had to call corporate and get an okay for that. Losers.
Oh and don't ever give them or the Subway people a chance to put mustard on your sandwich. I don't know anyone that likes a full gallon of mustard on a sandwich but apparently they do cause that's how much they put on there.
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Okay, what the fuck, Panera? Is it their policy to be douchebags all across America or what? I cannot tell you the amount of times I've gone in there for dinner only to get home and find my sandwich on a different bread or a different kind of soup than I ordered. When I finally lost it and went in, throwing my order on the counter, I was told "well we were out of the stuff you wanted to we did as good as we could". No fuckwad, you did not. Give ME the option…the one with the wallet.
But yanno, they never seem to fuck up my breakfast or lunch
.
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Please dont hold back Tell us how you really feel
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I was going to ask if you could be a bit more specific about what exactly you found diapointing about your Panera experience, but Ann beat me to it.
Glad you liked the cookie.
Do you still want Diet Coke cap numbers?
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The turd comment made me lol. I don't lol. I do now.
PS – Panera loves you. Love them back.
The only time I've ever been to one is on my way back from the Christa McAuliffe planetarium in New Hampshire. Num num num! (Not Christa, the Panera. Gaw, you are so grawse.)
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Okay, I meant disappointing. I can't spell.
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Man, you got shafted. We have the best Panera employees on the planet here. Very high speed.
I cannot get enough of the bacon and artichoke souffle. Any of those fuckin' souffles, really. Also, the cinnamon chip scones, all of there sandwiches although they got rid of my favorite Pepperblue steak sandwich recently which sucks balls… I also like their soups. The asiago bagels…. yummmm.
Well, I know what I'm having for breakfast now!
I feel bad for you. Bad employees can ruin a place. I am very fortunate here.
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Blimey! Well, we don't have Panera here, I think that's maybe a good thing?
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Sorry, you're a tad vague. Are you for or against Panera Bread?
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I'm sorry, sir…was there a problem with your sandwich?
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Well someone has their panties in a wad.
See if you actually cook your own supper you don't have to deal with this shit.
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I betcha they also teabagged your litre of Coke.
:P
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You do not WEEP, ya big liar.
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Hold up…you got a chocolate chip cookie at Panera??? WTF? I have never seen a chocolate chip cookie at my Panera.
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I don't see why a guy goes into Panera Bread in the first place. It's a chick restaurant.
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I had a similar post a while back. But I was hating on Panera for having a content filter on their wireless internet access. Fuckers.
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Never had that experience at Panera, but of course, saying that, now I will. Be proud of me. I read this one all the way through. Your rants are some of my favorites. Smiling is my favorite. Thank you for making my morning good. See, I am still smiling.
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You want fries with that?
I love turd-brain skull-fuckee!!!! :clap:
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are you upset
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I must go to the same Panera as Kyra. Absolutely awesome. I've never had a bad experience there, and they always say right away if they're out of an element of your order, and ask what you'd like in its place.
Damn, now I'm craving their French Onion soup. :heartbeat:
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shitfuck, remind me never to piss you off.
although i have to tell you, i'll be using "the brainpower of a turd from a retarded frog" soon because over at jester's place "the doctor" can't write and thinks that he is god's gift to women. and, AND…he called me a whore. how about them apples??!?!?!
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The problem is that any kid with half a brain either a) doesn't have to work or b) is making money hand over fist on their own Web site or designing Web sites for old farts who can find the "Control" button without a map and a sherpa.
I'm printing this out and carrying it with me so that I can hand it out as necessary. Thank you.
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We don't have a Panera either but my sister had one where she used to live. I would get so psyched up about going there every time I visited her because they had the worlds BEST turkey sandwich. Then they removed it from their menu.
This started the difficult process of explaining to the monkey working the register that they still have all of the ingredients and should have no problem making the sandwich for me. I finally had to get a manager involved because this idiot could not grasp the concept that putting bread+turkey+onion+cucumber sauce together would not make him lose his job.
:deadhorse:
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In the words of Peter Pan's daughter in "Hook" – "You need a mommy really bad!"
Breathe, son!
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This reminds me why I hate fast food establishments. Doesn't mean I don't do it, but I hate it when the people behind the register make really retarded people look smart.
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I get okay service from Panera but I'm scared of ordering anything at Wendy's. For some reason, they insist on filling my bag with a whole bunch of stuff I didn't order (napkins and ketchup packets) and nothing I did order (food).
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Bad lunch?
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LOL katie and I had panera last night for dinner. It was pretty good. But then again, this Panera was definitely not the same one you went to.
I'd have to say never go back there! But it's hard to not do that sometimes. add that to the nerdiness of having my laptop at Panera while eating (as evidenced by a photo from last night) and I'm happy.
That sucks your Panera blows. What did you have btw?
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So… what you're trying to say is that they got your order wrong? Do they have Firehouse Subs in Florida? Dem's tha shizzle.
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I'm sensing some latent hostility here. Don't ask me how – I think it's just that gay vibe of mine at work.
I know that working in a fast food environment is crappy and low paying and thus doesn't attract white collar professionals, but I'm frequently amazed at the number of people who can hold a job when they appear to need reminders to breathe. I quit eating at Subway in part because several servers left their mouths hanging open while they worked. Also, Baldino's has better food, although neither one has potato salad.
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Panera Bread can do no wrong as far as I'm concerned. As long as they continue making those cinnamon bagels I will continue loving them.
I'm dying to click on that 'add audio-only comment' – but I'm scared. Additionally I am dying to use one of those smilies, but somehow they never seem relevant. Visiting your blog is bitter sweet.
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Amanda, you mean that yours was actually what you ordered?
Dave, they'd probably put meat on your sandwich just because they're brainless.
Karen, when it's right, it's good.
Amy, but that makes ass reaming sound like a bad thing.
Jay, I'm anti-mustard anyways.
Hilly, I think they just have really poorly-run franchises.
Ann, happy as a clam!
Mary, I do indeed still want Coke numbers – please email them to me!
Poppy, Panera does NOT love me!
Kyra, I love the breakfast souffles they have, when they actually have some.
Penelope, I do think so.
Karl, you think I should have been a bit stronger with my wording?
Tracy, why, no. Not at all. Why would you ask?
Turnbaby, cook my own supper? What am I, some type of commoner?
Mike, luckily, I dispensed my own soda.
Britt, I weep for you sometimes.
Lisa, they have them all the time at the bakery part.
RW, well, I did have to put on a fake vagina before I could go in.
ADW, they have a content filter? I was going to go there and start looking up horse porn, too.
Absurdist, good to hear that something makes you smile.
Metalmom, that's "dead-eyed rabbit turd-brain skull fuckee".
Crystal, no, why?
SJ, I only like their French Onion soup when I get it IN MY FUCKING BREAD BOWL. Ahem.
Hello, I saw that Doctor guy – he's obnoxious.
Finn, what about the kids who are too stupid to create a website but smart enough to multi-task? They're out there somewhere.
Melanie, I feel your pain.
Mom, this is how I breathe.
TMP, yup, I know what you mean.
Golfwidow, you'll eat your napkins and ketchup and like it!
Maman, dinner.
Yoshi, I usually have the Asiago roast beef sandwich with French onion soup in a bread bowl.
Laura, they do, and I like Firehouse Subs. I should get that for lunch sometime.
Grant, what's Baldino's?
Em, you can leave an audio comment. I have faith in you.
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Should have stuck with Burger King, huh?
I've never been to Panera – now I don't know if I should – heh.
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You've gotten cranky since I left. :batting: Hope today is better for you Mr Cranky-Pants.
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You don't weep FOR me.
You weep BECAUSE of me.
That's different.
And that's wailing, not weeping.
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See what happens when you don't stick with McDonalds??
Oops someone already said Burger King.
You don't really want to run them over, back up and run them over again, it will ruin the alignment on your car. Then you have to take the car in and have it realigned. Which all costs money. So your sandwich, besides being all messed up, now cost you a ton more money.
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So you didn't have a good experience? I have boycotted Panera ever since they got rid of that pizza without asking me. Bitches.
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Well if the cookie was good, that should have made up for everything.
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Maybe Panera and Starbucks use the same training videos.
Don't know about your local Starbucks, but mine is run by retarded zombies. With learning disabilities. On crack. Early in the morning.
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Really…don't hold back, tell us how you REALLY feel.
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Baldino's is an awesome sub sandwich place from Jersey, similar to Subway or Blimpie's except that the sandwiches are about twice as big with four times the meat and they use actual deli meats and fresher veggies. For some reason, they don't charge more – I had a turkey sandwich from them yesterday for $3.70 after tax. We have a couple in Atlanta (although they're not listed on the web site, plus ours have more offerings), but maybe they haven't spread to Florida yet.
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Is it wrong that I smiled at the idea of Bobby getting beaten to death?
And, by "smiled," I mean "laughed evilly."
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So… are you going back?
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Tug, yeah, it's back to fast food for me.
Dragon, long time! Where've you been?
Britt, well, I cry when you step on my testicles.
TrishK, that's a very good point. I'll borrow one of their cars.
Sarah, pizza?
Fig, it did. Didn't you see the "Love, Adam" part?
BE Earl, so is ours. They don't know what the fuck a latte is?
Jam, I should be more explicit, shouldn't I?
Grant, sounds interesting. There's a place here called Stacked Subs that is reasonable and amazing. The fuckers are closed on Sundays, though, which frustrates me to no end.
Janna, I smiled and cackled while writing the whole thing.
AnnieB, probably.
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I have pimply-faced, horny teenagers at my Panera:
http://ablondeandherblog.blogspot.com/2008/01/i-like-it-hot.html
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That's certainly colorful. In any event, sometimes the truth hurts, and man, is this ever how it always seems to be whenever I go to the Panera around my hometown.
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There are so many gems in this but the one that made me snort was,"you make me want to inject Ebola into your eyeballs" and I really hardly ever snort.
I'm suddenly so glad I've never gone to Panera.
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:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:
There's the Avitable I love so much!!!!
Brilliant!
:clap: :heartbeat:
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Man I love the rage that emits from this letter. I have always said that before these rubber headed rejects can work in the fast food industry they send them off to a secret camp where they remove any bit of competence they may have had. I think Taco Bell is the founder of said camp, I mean how fucking hard can it be to remember NO ONIONS !
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BlondeBlogger, you flirt to get free food, don't you?
Thursday's Child, so I'm not the only one. That's good.
Sizzle, I think you're much better off.
Sybil, I knew you'd like it.
Trukindog, "rubber headed rejects" – I like that!
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Could you go back to Panera and pick me up a Frontega Chicken Sandwich and a baker's dozen Asiago Cheese bagels, please?
Oh, um..yeah….ANGRY much?
:violent018:
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Oh don't run them over – you'll hurt the car. Just shoot them. :angel:
What is scary, is the fact that these morons who can't seem to figure out that KETCHUP ONLY means KETCHUP ONLY!!! No to the pickles, onions, mustard…stop messing up a 5 year old's burger damn it. (oh wait – that's Burger King) anyway – these morons are going to be running this country in a few years.
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Sarin is better. Then you can take out more than one at a time.
Jihad was good for something.
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Ty-man says, "Can we get that on laminated cards to pass out to any and all restaurants who fuck our orders?"
This said through laughter while I'm over here, gasping for air, choking, crying, and pissing myself all at once.
Damn, sweetie!
:heartbeat:
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Stephanie, never angry enough.
Fantastagirl, ooh, good idea. Shooting is always easier.
Marissa, jihad on Panera – hell yeah!
Heather, I should put that on a T-shirt and sell it.
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Food? No. But I do offer oral sex for designer handbags. I do have SOME dignity!
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BB, I'll keep that in mind next time I come across some Prada.
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Beat Me To Death, Love Bobby make me choke on spit.
Thanks, man.
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What is wrong with me that I didn't know the term "skullfuck" until today?
Wow.
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Monty, happy to oblige!
Nina, and here I thought you had a broad vocabulary.
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My Panera has a cashier who compliments every woman on her shoes. "Welcome to Panera! I like your shoes!" People have complained and he can't stop.
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"It's bread, meat, tomato, dressing, lettuce, bread. That's it. You could even make a mnemonic out of it if you were having problems: Beat Me To Death. Love, Bobby."
That should win some kind of prize.
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TheQueen, I'd give him a boot to the head.
Suebob, thanks. I was particularly proud of that.
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I forced Katie to read this. Cracked me up to no end.
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Kapgar, but did Katie laugh?
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Kyra, thanks for reminding me about the pepperblue sandwich- I was at Panera last weekend and couldn't put my finger on what was missing. Waahh.
My favorite sandwich place story takes place at..well, they have a pepper bar! I was eating my sandwich, the only customer in there, when one employee asked the other, "Yo, dude, you gots like a paper clip or a staple or somethin'?" Just when I thought he might be collating papers between customers, he continued, "'cause I got this blister on the bottom of my foot.."
And that's why I put up with Panera instead
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WOW.
Sorry that the employees at your panera bread suck ass, but I'm a great employee and I'm nice and accomodating to EVERY ONE OF MY CUSTOMERS.Thanks.
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Panera sucks period. Over priced, low quality fast food with glamorous marketing. If the food is so fresh, try this one. Ask for a sandwich without mustard or mayo. I guarantee you the response will be “We can’t do that, they’re all pre-made.” You mean to tell me a company that makes sandwiches a core product of their business finds hand making a sandwich such a monumental task that they must be premade? Panera isn’t trendy, their shrink wrapped food isn’t good, the value for your money sucks, their re-heated soup is bland, and the whole atmosphere makes me want to vomit on every laptop toting abercrombie and fitch douche that walks in the door. You want quality food and value? Look around your neighborhood and visit a local establishment where they have to take pride in what they do or they don’t exist. If you really think you’re eating healthy and avoiding assembly line fast food because the ad says so and they offer free wi-fi you’re an idiot.
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