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Dear Panera Bread employees

You fucking syphilitic little shitheads.

If I ever see your slackjawed drooling little cro-magnon faces in public, I will run you over in my car. And back up. And drive forwards. And back up. And drive forwards. And park on you, then squeal my tires and drive off. And then come back and pee on whatever’s left.

Your job consists of either (a) pushing buttons on a register or (b) following simple, explicit instructions in the proper creation of a sandwich. Both of these tasks requires nothing more than the brainpower of a turd from a retarded frog. Not only should you have the cranial capacity to do your task plus carry on a conversation, chew gum, and avoid drooling, but you should also be able to do these things with a speed higher than an old man riding his Rascal down the sidewalk on his way to the liquor store.

To the poster child for abortion running the register: Fully 90% of your products involve bread. If you are out of a specific type of bread, this would be something that might be helpful to tell the customer before they order a sandwich on that bread and pay for it, expecting it to be on that bread. The same goes for bread bowls. If you don’t even know if you’re out of a major part of your inventory, you really should have skipped work, stayed home, and played hide the flesh pickle with your gross step-dad, okay? At least that way, only the person who deserves it would be getting fucked.

To the dead-eyed rabbit turd-brained skull-fuckee who prepares the sandwiches: It’s bread, meat, tomato, dressing, lettuce, bread. That’s it. You could even make a mnemonic out of it if you were having problems: Beat Me To Death. Love, Bobby. See? Your job is so easy that I’d like to attach electrodes to your little prepubescent testicles and shock you every time you take more than twelve seconds following a fucking picture diagram! In kindergarten, were you the one who just sat there and peed yourself while everyone else put the round peg in the round hole and got a gold star? Maybe it would have been better if your mom had just left you in the car with the window cracked while she ran into the casino for 8 or 9 hours to gamble away her welfare check. At least, then, you’d have a reason for the massive retardation that emanates from you in a palpable wave.

I hate you all. You make me fear for the future of society and weep at the potential for America’s youth, but mainly you make me want to inject Ebola into your eyeballs. And once your face has melted off, I’m going to let the nastiest, rankest homeless man I can find with a rancid, rotting penis skullfuck you until your head actually explodes in an explosion of pus, semen, and more pus. This could have all been avoided had you just shown a modicum of intelligence, common sense, and ability to function in normal society.

Fuck you all, and may you die a fiery painful death.

Love,

Adam

P.S. My chocolate chip cookie was very good.

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108 Replies to “Dear Panera Bread employees”

  1. Amy

    It is so nice to know that while I am trying to quell my psychotic rages that I can come here and see one in text… and this brings me comfort.

    Thank you.

    Although, I came up with a doozie the other day and was kind enough not to say it out loud… that doesn’t mean I won’t type it – ass reaming cock wipe!!!

  2. Jay

    I may have been to the same Panera. The last time I was in one I spent a lot of time asking if they would please give me my damn pickle spear that I was supposed to get with my sandwich. Seriously, I guess they had to call corporate and get an okay for that. Losers.

    Oh and don’t ever give them or the Subway people a chance to put mustard on your sandwich. I don’t know anyone that likes a full gallon of mustard on a sandwich but apparently they do cause that’s how much they put on there.

  3. Hilly

    Okay, what the fuck, Panera? Is it their policy to be douchebags all across America or what? I cannot tell you the amount of times I’ve gone in there for dinner only to get home and find my sandwich on a different bread or a different kind of soup than I ordered. When I finally lost it and went in, throwing my order on the counter, I was told “well we were out of the stuff you wanted to we did as good as we could”. No fuckwad, you did not. Give ME the option…the one with the wallet.

    But yanno, they never seem to fuck up my breakfast or lunch ;).

  4. Mary

    I was going to ask if you could be a bit more specific about what exactly you found diapointing about your Panera experience, but Ann beat me to it.

    Glad you liked the cookie.

    Do you still want Diet Coke cap numbers?

  5. Poppy

    The turd comment made me lol. I don’t lol. I do now.

    PS – Panera loves you. Love them back.

    The only time I’ve ever been to one is on my way back from the Christa McAuliffe planetarium in New Hampshire. Num num num! (Not Christa, the Panera. Gaw, you are so grawse.)

  6. Kyra Sutra

    Man, you got shafted. We have the best Panera employees on the planet here. Very high speed.

    I cannot get enough of the bacon and artichoke souffle. Any of those fuckin’ souffles, really. Also, the cinnamon chip scones, all of there sandwiches although they got rid of my favorite Pepperblue steak sandwich recently which sucks balls… I also like their soups. The asiago bagels…. yummmm.

    Well, I know what I’m having for breakfast now!

    I feel bad for you. Bad employees can ruin a place. I am very fortunate here.

  7. The Absurdist

    Never had that experience at Panera, but of course, saying that, now I will. Be proud of me. I read this one all the way through. Your rants are some of my favorites. Smiling is my favorite. Thank you for making my morning good. See, I am still smiling.

  8. SJ

    I must go to the same Panera as Kyra. Absolutely awesome. I’ve never had a bad experience there, and they always say right away if they’re out of an element of your order, and ask what you’d like in its place.

    Damn, now I’m craving their French Onion soup. :heartbeat:

  9. hellohahanarf

    shitfuck, remind me never to piss you off.

    although i have to tell you, i’ll be using “the brainpower of a turd from a retarded frog” soon because over at jester’s place “the doctor” can’t write and thinks that he is god’s gift to women. and, AND…he called me a whore. how about them apples??!?!?!

  10. Finn

    The problem is that any kid with half a brain either a) doesn’t have to work or b) is making money hand over fist on their own Web site or designing Web sites for old farts who can find the “Control” button without a map and a sherpa.

    I’m printing this out and carrying it with me so that I can hand it out as necessary. Thank you.

  11. Melanie Marie

    We don’t have a Panera either but my sister had one where she used to live. I would get so psyched up about going there every time I visited her because they had the worlds BEST turkey sandwich. Then they removed it from their menu.

    This started the difficult process of explaining to the monkey working the register that they still have all of the ingredients and should have no problem making the sandwich for me. I finally had to get a manager involved because this idiot could not grasp the concept that putting bread+turkey+onion+cucumber sauce together would not make him lose his job.

    :deadhorse:

  12. golfwidow

    I get okay service from Panera but I’m scared of ordering anything at Wendy’s. For some reason, they insist on filling my bag with a whole bunch of stuff I didn’t order (napkins and ketchup packets) and nothing I did order (food).

  13. yoshi

    LOL katie and I had panera last night for dinner. It was pretty good. But then again, this Panera was definitely not the same one you went to.

    I’d have to say never go back there! But it’s hard to not do that sometimes. add that to the nerdiness of having my laptop at Panera while eating (as evidenced by a photo from last night) and I’m happy.

    That sucks your Panera blows. What did you have btw?

  14. Grant

    I’m sensing some latent hostility here. Don’t ask me how – I think it’s just that gay vibe of mine at work.

    I know that working in a fast food environment is crappy and low paying and thus doesn’t attract white collar professionals, but I’m frequently amazed at the number of people who can hold a job when they appear to need reminders to breathe. I quit eating at Subway in part because several servers left their mouths hanging open while they worked. Also, Baldino’s has better food, although neither one has potato salad.

  15. Em

    Panera Bread can do no wrong as far as I’m concerned. As long as they continue making those cinnamon bagels I will continue loving them.

    I’m dying to click on that ‘add audio-only comment’ – but I’m scared. Additionally I am dying to use one of those smilies, but somehow they never seem relevant. Visiting your blog is bitter sweet.

  16. Avitable

    Amanda, you mean that yours was actually what you ordered?

    Dave, they’d probably put meat on your sandwich just because they’re brainless.

    Karen, when it’s right, it’s good.

    Amy, but that makes ass reaming sound like a bad thing.

    Jay, I’m anti-mustard anyways.

    Hilly, I think they just have really poorly-run franchises.

    Ann, happy as a clam!

    Mary, I do indeed still want Coke numbers – please email them to me!

    Poppy, Panera does NOT love me!

    Kyra, I love the breakfast souffles they have, when they actually have some.

    Penelope, I do think so.

    Karl, you think I should have been a bit stronger with my wording?

    Tracy, why, no. Not at all. Why would you ask?

    Turnbaby, cook my own supper? What am I, some type of commoner?

    Mike, luckily, I dispensed my own soda.

    Britt, I weep for you sometimes.

    Lisa, they have them all the time at the bakery part.

    RW, well, I did have to put on a fake vagina before I could go in.

    ADW, they have a content filter? I was going to go there and start looking up horse porn, too.

    Absurdist, good to hear that something makes you smile.

    Metalmom, that’s “dead-eyed rabbit turd-brain skull fuckee”.

    Crystal, no, why?

    SJ, I only like their French Onion soup when I get it IN MY FUCKING BREAD BOWL. Ahem.

    Hello, I saw that Doctor guy – he’s obnoxious.

    Finn, what about the kids who are too stupid to create a website but smart enough to multi-task? They’re out there somewhere.

    Melanie, I feel your pain.

    Mom, this is how I breathe.

    TMP, yup, I know what you mean.

    Golfwidow, you’ll eat your napkins and ketchup and like it!

    Maman, dinner.

    Yoshi, I usually have the Asiago roast beef sandwich with French onion soup in a bread bowl.

    Laura, they do, and I like Firehouse Subs. I should get that for lunch sometime.

    Grant, what’s Baldino’s?

    Em, you can leave an audio comment. I have faith in you.

  17. trishk

    See what happens when you don’t stick with McDonalds??

    Oops someone already said Burger King.

    You don’t really want to run them over, back up and run them over again, it will ruin the alignment on your car. Then you have to take the car in and have it realigned. Which all costs money. So your sandwich, besides being all messed up, now cost you a ton more money.

  18. Grant

    Baldino’s is an awesome sub sandwich place from Jersey, similar to Subway or Blimpie’s except that the sandwiches are about twice as big with four times the meat and they use actual deli meats and fresher veggies. For some reason, they don’t charge more – I had a turkey sandwich from them yesterday for $3.70 after tax. We have a couple in Atlanta (although they’re not listed on the web site, plus ours have more offerings), but maybe they haven’t spread to Florida yet.

  19. Avitable

    Tug, yeah, it’s back to fast food for me.

    Dragon, long time! Where’ve you been?

    Britt, well, I cry when you step on my testicles.

    TrishK, that’s a very good point. I’ll borrow one of their cars.

    Sarah, pizza?

    Fig, it did. Didn’t you see the “Love, Adam” part?

    BE Earl, so is ours. They don’t know what the fuck a latte is?

    Jam, I should be more explicit, shouldn’t I?

    Grant, sounds interesting. There’s a place here called Stacked Subs that is reasonable and amazing. The fuckers are closed on Sundays, though, which frustrates me to no end.

    Janna, I smiled and cackled while writing the whole thing.

    AnnieB, probably.

  20. sizzle

    There are so many gems in this but the one that made me snort was,”you make me want to inject Ebola into your eyeballs” and I really hardly ever snort.

    I’m suddenly so glad I’ve never gone to Panera.

  21. Trukindog

    Man I love the rage that emits from this letter. I have always said that before these rubber headed rejects can work in the fast food industry they send them off to a secret camp where they remove any bit of competence they may have had. I think Taco Bell is the founder of said camp, I mean how fucking hard can it be to remember NO ONIONS !

  22. Avitable

    BlondeBlogger, you flirt to get free food, don’t you?

    Thursday’s Child, so I’m not the only one. That’s good.

    Sizzle, I think you’re much better off.

    Sybil, I knew you’d like it.

    Trukindog, “rubber headed rejects” – I like that!

  23. Fantastagirl

    Oh don’t run them over – you’ll hurt the car. Just shoot them. :angel:

    What is scary, is the fact that these morons who can’t seem to figure out that KETCHUP ONLY means KETCHUP ONLY!!! No to the pickles, onions, mustard…stop messing up a 5 year old’s burger damn it. (oh wait – that’s Burger King) anyway – these morons are going to be running this country in a few years.

  24. Suebob

    “It’s bread, meat, tomato, dressing, lettuce, bread. That’s it. You could even make a mnemonic out of it if you were having problems: Beat Me To Death. Love, Bobby.”

    That should win some kind of prize.

  25. DebbieS

    Kyra, thanks for reminding me about the pepperblue sandwich- I was at Panera last weekend and couldn’t put my finger on what was missing. Waahh.

    My favorite sandwich place story takes place at..well, they have a pepper bar! I was eating my sandwich, the only customer in there, when one employee asked the other, “Yo, dude, you gots like a paper clip or a staple or somethin’?” Just when I thought he might be collating papers between customers, he continued, “’cause I got this blister on the bottom of my foot..”

    And that’s why I put up with Panera instead 😉

  26. Melissa

    WOW.

    Sorry that the employees at your panera bread suck ass, but I’m a great employee and I’m nice and accomodating to EVERY ONE OF MY CUSTOMERS.Thanks.

  27. JoeBoo

    Panera sucks period. Over priced, low quality fast food with glamorous marketing. If the food is so fresh, try this one. Ask for a sandwich without mustard or mayo. I guarantee you the response will be “We can’t do that, they’re all pre-made.” You mean to tell me a company that makes sandwiches a core product of their business finds hand making a sandwich such a monumental task that they must be premade? Panera isn’t trendy, their shrink wrapped food isn’t good, the value for your money sucks, their re-heated soup is bland, and the whole atmosphere makes me want to vomit on every laptop toting abercrombie and fitch douche that walks in the door. You want quality food and value? Look around your neighborhood and visit a local establishment where they have to take pride in what they do or they don’t exist. If you really think you’re eating healthy and avoiding assembly line fast food because the ad says so and they offer free wi-fi you’re an idiot.

    • Whydoievenwanttoexplainshittorichfucks

      @JoeBoo,

      They aren’t actually premade, but preassembled in the mornings. We have to prepare a certain amount for the lunch-time rush–but it doesn’t mean they aren’t fresh. We have to bake the bread, cut it, prepare your ingredients, ect. before the store even opens in the mornings.

  28. Billy

    Panera: Things you should know.
    **The soups are frozen and then heated. So is the chicken.
    **The pastry dough is frozen. They thaw it, glaze it and THEN put it in the oven right in front of you so you think it’s baked fresh right there.
    **The produce is pre-sliced and then packaged to the Paneras. No produce is prepared “fresh” there.
    **Panera’s bread dough is made in a regional factory and then shipped in trucks to your local store.
    **That “home-style lemonade” is made in the back from concentrate and tap water.
    **Panera’s “Frozen Lemonade” is made the same way and costs 8 cents to make.
    **Panera’s “Chipotle Chicken Sandwich” is worse for you then the KFC “Double Down”
    **Yes, even the cookies are frozen too.

  29. Mother Bread

    No employee at panera bread gives a fuck about you. You are the 1000th customer that day, and you probably stared at the menu like a fuck-tard trying to figure out what a you-pick-two was. If you ordered a hot sandwich, you DON’T get fucking pickle unless you ask. Oh, and when i have 20 orders on my screen with a total of maybe 60+ items, not including appropriate silverware and making sure my entire team is making everything EXACTLY as it’s asked for DON’T come up to me and ask me for extra dressing, or a different side, or any of that shit because I’m FUCKING BUSY. The reason people at Panera are shit is because they PAY shit. They pay worse then McDonalds.

    • Greedy

      @Mother Bread,

      We honestly don’t give a fuck about you. Go make your own fucking sandwich for a cheaper price with fresher ingredients you lazy fucking fat bastards.
      If we’re slack-jawed you’re all wheezing standing in front of us with wet panties dreaming about your broccoli cheddar in a bread bowl with hot baguettes on the side.

  30. Asss

    Oooh I know..dont go there if you hate it so much!! Its prob the million ridiculously retarded customers before you that made the employees brain fried. Gotta love all the ppl that are there all the time yet they try to pick up their soup and sandwich at the REGISTER.

  31. Asss

    Oooh I know..dont go there if you hate it so much!! Its prob the million ridiculously retarded customers before you that made the employees brain fried. Gotta love all the ppl that are there all the time yet they try to pick up their soup and sandwich at the REGISTER.

  32. Robbie McLean

    I like their food but their management in Wichita, Kansas sucks! My son, a local high school student and a US Army Reservist, was fired from his job at the Maize Rd branch of Panera Bread because he was unable to work a shift due to his military service. I even spoke with the manager, William, who confirmed the reason and then became very rude and yelled at me over the phone. He even said he didn’t care about the Uniformed Services Employment and Reemployment Rights Act. How fair is that? So much for supporting our military service members!

  33. Sims

    Dude, I have a confession for ya…

    Reason why we seem brain-dead, or slow, or useless, is well… IT’S A MINIMUM WAGE JOB. Seriously, I don’t understand why you’re wasting your time, bitching about a restaurant that could care less about what you think. You want a 5-star experience, go somewhere else. We’ll gladly wish you a good day as you leave, and happily serve the next customer. Yeah, the job isn’t complicated. It’s called “5-minute service”. We greet, take order, take the pay, make the food, and serve it.

    Honestly, if you really have a problem, why don’t you act professional for 2 minutes and talk to the big guys about it. We can’t do shit for ya. Oh, we’re out of bread bowls. Oh, we’re out of tomato basil bread. Dude, GET A DIFFERENT BREAD. Or, how about, and this is just and idea… ORDER SOMETHING ELSE. Quit being a selfish, whiny, bitching prick. We’re not your mother to wipe your ass for with golden toilet paper. We’re not some housewife who can just smile and magically do everything perfectly for your fucking life. We’re associates of a restaurant who’s only trying to make a living. We got 20,000 other customers to take care of more than your whiny ass.

    So from me, and every other Panera employee across the country, I’d just like to say one thing to you: *big smile* You have a great day, sir. It’s a pleasure serving you…

  34. Blah

    Dear OP:

    Come say that to us bakers who work our asses off every night and do a bit more than push a button. We’ll beat your fucking ass in if we ever see you. And try doing our job for an hour or two. You’ll be sitting in the corner crying like a little bitch rocking back and forth.

  35. Your friendly neighborhood Panera employee

    Please, oh please tell me you’re trolling. You have to be trolling.
    If you are indeed trolling, you’re trolling about the wrong thing, and your trolling has turned you into a douche. Straight up douche. The douche to rule over all the douches in your douche land of douches. So stop being a douche.

  36. Sarah Michelle

    Okay you lazy pieces of shit, how about you make your own damn food! If you don’t like Panera stop bitching about it and don’t go there. Let me inform you mental challenged that there is not an infinite amount of bread at every panera so when they run out bread or bread bowls stop fucking bitching and get it on another bread or get it in a normal bowl, dumbasses. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!

  37. I sold my soul to Panera Bread

    There are definitely some great hopelessly devoted employees at Panera. I admit hopeless because that company is most likely one of the worst to work for in the nation. Blame management and corporate office who abuses their minimum wage employees into not giving a fuck about your food or experience. Oh and don’t like Panera? Then don’t go there and shut the fuck up you fucking assholes. I hope that one day I never lead such a horribly sad existence that I take FOOD so seriously.

    Thanksbye.

  38. Danyul

    Adam,

    I understand your frustration. I’ve heard other bitches rant like this before. Your problem has been simply caused by too much shit being packed back UP your ass.

    Seriously, Dude. You don’t sound tough or intellectual here. You just sound like a bitch.

    All you need is a good enema. You’ll feel so much better.

  39. Al_Pal

    Holy flying fuck, man. I’ve only been…twice? I’ll continue to endeavor to support only my local places…that sandwich at the liquor store a few blocks away is the awesome.

    I’m also wondering how much the level of failure is connected to the Floridian nature of your surroundings.

    Ahhh, skullfucking. Good times. ;p #snort

  40. Turbo sexophonic

    This post is probably the dumbest thing I have ever read. You must feel pretty clever for spending an afternoon coming up with your insults. If it was that bad, don’t go back. Don’t waste a day trying to sound like a badass on the Internet. And to the lady who commented saying she threw her food over the counter, what are you two years old? Still having temper tantrums? Nobody gives a fuck if you think your so important that the concept of being an adult doesn’t apply to you.

  41. Alyssa

    wow. all i can say as a former panera employee is that you are exactly the kind of customer we hate. yes, we don’t always remember what bread we’re out of. but when i have someone like you sitting there yelling at me because i don’t have their favorite kind of bread, i get to the point where i do not care about your food order. in fact, i might mess it up purposely just to piss you off more.

    let me come harass you at work and see how you deal with being screamed at all day. it bothers us just as much as it bothers you, and we only get paid minimum wage to put up with your inconsiderate behavior.

  42. Bback

    Dear Adam I work at a Panera bread and you have no idea how much work it is to deal with dumb fucking self entitled pricks like you all day. Also you want better service be nice to us cause when your a prick it’s gonna take us longer to make your sandwich because we are humans too and don’t deserve to be treated like trash just because we work in a restaurant. So if you would be so kind and go let your step dad fuck yourself all of us Panera workers would greatly appreciate it.

  43. Dee

    Panera employees suck. Six years later and this post still has legs. Something is seriously wrong with these people that serve bugs and give food poisoning. Take some pride and clean your selves up; no one wants your Hepatitis with their turkey. The robots will soon take their jobs.

  44. ladyestrogen

    Is it Panera employees, exclusively? Because I order a “large coffee, 2 sugar, 2 milk” at McDonald’s AND ONLY THAT SOLITARY ITEM and 6 times out of 10, it will be wrong. Tough job, in-fucking-deed. Oh, and you want your pay to go up to $15/hr…. rrrrrright.

  45. Annie

    Dear self-entitled fat ass fuckface who is too lazy to go home and make a goddamn sandwich,
    If you are so fucking butthurt that you didn’t get your soul in a bread bowl to add to your excessive diet loaded with processed fats and carbohydrates, why dont you go to the nearest goddamn Publix and BUY FOOD, and make your own goddamn soup? You know, working for food? LABOR? A foreign concept to fat asses like you. I’m so happy people like you pay $5 for a piece of shit overly processed, frozen soup and rant about it on the Internet later. Your capitalist pig money just contributes to my paycheck.

  46. amy greani

    Dude I work at a panera, behind the register. I’m sorry your service was bad, but let me tell you getting up at 3 am to get dressed to drive to work then being the only person running the bakery annnnd the dining room at the same time through breakfest and lunch is hell. You get swamped and forget things like the fact that we ran out of yoyr precious bread bowls because we are so busy, stletting up and keeping the bakery clean, running food and changing out coffees and many other things. So its not just pushing a bunch of buttons. Sorry your service/ visit sucked really, but its an underpaid job that takes more then hitting a few buttons ok? Have a good day 🙂

  47. Scott

    OK. First of all, that’s not all we do you good for nothing asshat. We along with “pushing buttons on a screen” and “throwing lettuce tomato and meat” on bread, we have to deal with shitty customers that can’t read a simple sign and ask a shit ton of questions, we make sure that your shit is clean and you have a peaceful fucking enjoyable time, if we are slacking a little bit then that’s because we cme in at 5 in the fucking morning so that you can have your fuckton of mustard and your fucking sandwich fresh along with all of your pastries and other shit like that along with a myriad of other shit. The people on register don’t go down on line so they have no fucking clue when we run out of a certain bread unless line comes over from “throwing lettuce tomato and meat” on your fucking sandwich. It’s not our fault if we don’t have anymore bread. What are we supposed to do? Pull a loaf out of our asses!? If you get a different bread than you wanted its cuz we were told to put it on the bread. If you think our jobs are so fucking easy you come in and you do it you disgrace of a human being. Fuck you, I hope you never come to panera again.

    Sincerely,
    One of the dead-eyed rabbit turd brained fucks behind the counter

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