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Faticide

I was flipping through the channels the other night when I saw a news report. It started out by saying that obesity now causes more deaths than smoking, and then it was going to explain 15 ways that obesity results in death. I was going to watch the rest of it, but Zoey 101 was on Nickelodeon, and I wasn’t sitting there naked with a jar of Vaseline so I could watch some stupid news show.

It got me thinking, though. In what ways obesity can cause death? Since I never got to see their actual facts, I can only surmise what these 15 ways are. Here are my guesses:

1. Grease related: After cooking six hamburgers on the skillet to eat for an afternoon snack, you slip on the grease that’s splashed on the ground, fall flat on your back, and the skillet full of grease lands on your face, drowning you with its wonderful tasty contents.

2. Grease related, driving: Hunger pangs mean you need to stop at McDonald’s and get some french fries while driving home. You have to settle for a large fry because of fucking Morgan Spurlock and his stupid documentary, but the grease on those fries is sufficient to make your fingers very slippery. You come up on a sharp turn, your hands slip along the wheel, and you drive right through the guardrail, plunging to your fiery, greasy death.

3. Exercise related, outside: You decide to go for a walk to burn off the calories from the four Twinkies that you used as hot dog buns for four hot dogs slathered in mayonnaise. You manage to walk fourteen steps and then decide to rest in the bushes for a bit. The high-pitched wheezing that you emit as you catch your breath attracts a pack of Siberian wolf huskies, who think that you are a beached sea lion and eat your face.

4. Exercise related, inside: You get on the treadmill and start walking. Since you weren’t able to reach your feet, however, your shoelaces are untied, and they get sucked into the track of the treadmill, causing you to fall to the ground. At an agonizingly slow speed, the treadmill sucks you into its gears, inch by inch.

5. Sex related, men: In an effort to see your penis, you try to simultaneously suck in your gut, thrust out your hips and look down as quickly as possible. The quick motions cause a massive ripple effect that resonates throughout your body and collides at your neck, snapping it instantly.

6. Sex related, women: Riding on top of your partner, your frantic up and down motion causes the bed to split evenly in two. The headboard and footboard snap together like a bear trap, popping your head off like a grape.

7. Clothing related, putting on: As you squeeze into your shirt that fit fine five years ago, you hold your breath. This lasts for about eight seconds, at which point you quickly exhale, causing all of your buttons to pop off at an almost supersonic speed. They ricochet off of the mirror in front of you and the resulting shrapnel pierces your brain via your eyeballs.

8. Clothing related, taking off: As you sit in the chair and try to reach your feet to take off your socks, you have to pull your foot towards you. Your hands slip off your foot and you punch yourself directly in the nose, driving a small bone into your brain and killing yourself within seconds.

9. Travel related, driving: As you are coming up on a railroad crossing, a train starts coming. Your foot presses down on the brake, but since your foot is three feet wide, you press both the gas and brake simultaneously. This causes you to drift slowly forward until you are up on the tracks directly in the train’s path. You manage to get out of the car and try to run away, but running’s hard, so you lay down to take a breather. On the tracks. The train hits you and derails, killing hundreds.

10. Travel related, flying: Even though you used the handicapped stall at the airport before you left, you still have to pee halfway through the flight. You walk into the bathroom and pee standing up because you can’t turn around. Even after peeing, you’re still stuck, so you gently try to pivot to exit the bathroom. This doesn’t work, so you begin to move side to side violently trying to force yourself to turn around. These massive fluctuations in movement cause the plane to lose control and spiral to the ground where it explodes in a huge fireball.

11. Television related, self-inflicted: You settle in your favorite chair and start watching TV. The remote isn’t working very well, and the TV is currently on a marathon of “According to Jim”. You don’t want to get up to change channels, because that’s too much effort, so you commit suicide by swallowing your own tongue.

12. Television related, other-inflicted: You settle in your favorite chair and start watching TV. After watching several hours of a marathon on The Food Network, you are crazed with hunger and try to eat your television. Either the electrical jolt or the shards of electronics bouncing through your intestines kill you.

13. Bathroom related, bathing: Since you’re unable to wash your own back, stomach, and legs, you simply rinse them off in the shower. Little do you realize that, as a result, a small colony of fungus appears on your back. The fungus evolves into a community, and finally colonizes other parts of your body. Before long, imperialism sets in, and the colonies fight back and forth across the expanse of your body. All of the colonies develop advanced weaponry, and the war that breaks out culminates in the use of nuclear weaponry, which fries you in an instant.

14. Bathroom related, toilet use: Each time you sit on the toilet, it cracks a little. Finally, the stress of holding your weight is too much, and the entire toilet collapses into the sewer below. You are also swept underground where you are eaten by a giant crocodile.

15. Crime related: Unbeknownst to you, while you are out shopping one day, you bump into a mother who is holding her child. Her child is accidentally sucked into the folds of your flab. Amber alerts are issued and a nationwide manhunt for the child is underway when the police review the surveillance cameras from the store and watch the child disappear into your bodily black hole. With this evidence, the police confront you. You put your hands up to give up, but the police misinterpret this as a sign of aggression. Fearing that you are going to try to eat them, they open fire, firing 185 bullets, hitting you 42 times.

I’m pretty sure these are the same things the news was going to explain about the dangers of obesity, right?

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73 Replies to “Faticide”

  1. Amy

    “The high-pitched wheezing that you emit as you catch your breath attracts a pack of Siberian wolf huskies, who think that you are a beached sea lion and eat your face.”

    :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

    I read your opening paragraph to Mike and he said, “That Adam is one sick puppy.”

    I threw a stapler at his head and screamed, “Would you STOP kissing his ASS already!!!”

  2. Girl, Dislocated

    Yup, you got ’em! The wording is slightly different in medical textbooks (e.g. the word “fucking” is generally omitted), but those are in fact the 15 obesity-related causes of death currently recognized by the medical community. Good thing you didn’t waste your time watching the stupid news.

  3. DaDuck

    “You get on the treadmill and start walking. Since you weren’t able to reach your feet, however, your shoelaces are untied, and they get sucked into the track of the treadmill, causing you to fall to the ground. At an agonizingly slow speed, the treadmill sucks you into its gears, inch by inch.”

    This is why exercise should be illegal!

  4. L

    I never realised I had been so close to death…

    Im scared to leave the house now, thank god for online shopping I’ll order in some comfort food…

    oh see what happened there!

    Shit

  5. Avitable

    Amanda, was it the mayo?

    Dave, well, that happens too if you cross the road too slowly.

    Karl, it’s Mutually Assured Fungal Destruction.

    Amy, don’t hurt Mike. He’s my favorite person!

    BB, that’s just from all of the semen on your hands.

    Dee, 43 days.

    Girl, Dislocated, I should’ve been a doctor.

    FreelanceGuru, I love how people in the UK say “maths”!

    Yoshi, well, maybe I should have said “it cracks a lot”!

    Topncal, who said anything about using it as lube? I just like to dip my penis in it.

    Duck, exactly!

    Hello, I’m sorry that you were subjected to According to Jim.

    Mr. Fabulous, employ? Or force?

    RW, wouldn’t that be all sections?

    Britt, falling is harder.

    L, try a deep dish pizza.

    Robin, how many times has your head popped off like a grape?

    Poppy, sweet and sour sauce is sticky enough to keep your fingers on the wheel, so that’s good.

  6. themuttprincess

    All of those seem plausible.

    Seriously, except the man one (for me) and the toilet use, being eaten by a crocodile. Living in the frozen tundra has its benefits (again, for me). There are no crocodiles living in our sewers. (then again, the rats are probably just as big…. so, nevermind )

  7. Jeff

    Obesity has nothing to do with death. I’m about as skinny as half an Olson twin and my cholesterol could plug the Alaskan pipeline. But you’ve done a good job of showing why you still need to be careful.

  8. Avitable

    Poppy, do you drive with your chin?

    CMG, you’re definitely not a moron. I’ll take your word for it on the klutz part.

    Finn, it’s a funny way to die!

    Trukindog, same here!

    TMP, mutant rats are even worse!

    Jeff, what is this kolessturrol of which you speak?

    Cheri, crack you the fuck up is better than fucking you up your crack.

    BPR, no, TV is a god. Don’t talk bad about wonderful TV!

  9. Avitable

    Grant, people might also call out “Land ho!” and try to park their boat on you.

    Poppy, Miss Poppy? Sounds like an old plantation owner.

    Shelli, I’m all about the education.

    Nobody, I think it would actually be good without the mayo.

    Laura, because suicide by swallowing your own tongue is funny. And I usually use tags that might get interesting traffic here.

    Nina, I’ve got a Twinkie with mayo for you! :cock:

  10. Maman

    Am I the only person grossed out by the Zooey 101 part of this? But then, I would like to wash that girl out of the teevee. A six-months pregnant teen is NOT what I want my girls watching… although, I guess she is fine for you, Adam

  11. Tug

    So a little off topic, but did you read about the girl whose skin grew around the toilet seat? Seriously, she’d been sitting there for TWO YEARS. They had to take the toilet seat with her to the hospital.

    Why did that story make me think of you?

  12. Avitable

    Sybil, according to BMI, that’s more than half of the country!

    Honeybell, no problem.

    Crystal, want to share a Twinkie Dog with me?

    Tracy, got to be careful of death by laughter!

    Kyra, no, that’s the moon landing.

    Poppy, OMG!

    Lynda, I can infer very well.

    Tug, I did read that. I can’t imagine staying on a toilet for two hours, much less two years.

    Turnbaby, I can just picture it in my head, too.

  13. Kylah

    I’ve got some questions about # 15.

    If the person is fat enough for a child to get sucked into their fat folds, how do the police miss the person 143 times? What does this say about how well police can shoot?

    I think I’m over thinking this.

  14. Avitable

    Metalmom, my back hair loves you too.

    Jhianna, rawr!

    BE Earl, I can honestly say that I’ve never seen either of those shows as espousing any ideal that I have.

    Jake, just don’t try horseradish – it makes the Twinkies melt.

    Kylah, the cops aren’t very good shots. And yes, you’re overthinking that one, but I’d rather you did that than ask questions about #5 or 6.

    Tug, mine have if I’m there long enough.

    BPR, cops have bad aim everywhere. That’s why they fire plenty of bullets.

    Danjerus, it’s not legal, but I’m still accepting applications.

    Winter, well, it could be a really big grape.

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