Hey fuckers. I may be dead soon. According to this important email I received that was accidentally marked as SPAM, I am now aware that I have been targeted by terrorists. I thought I'd deconstruct the email for you as my last act before I am exploded. Or donkey punched. Or however it is that I will be dispatched.
from AL-QUAEDA NETWORKS (deadly.killers@yahoo.de)
See, this is how I knew they were serious - their email is "deadly killers"! And since they're so nonchalantly misspelling Al-Qaeda (or Al-Qaida), I know that they don't even care about proper spelling. That's terrorism right there, peeps.
Attn,
I am very sorry for you, is a pity that this is how your life is going to end as soon as you don't comply. As you can see we are the members of the deadly networks in the world, which is the responsible for the bombing of twin tower’s in America on Sept. 11th and the bombing of London transport services on the July 7th (AL-QUAEDA NETWORKS), I don't have any business with you, my duty as I am mailing you now is just to KILL you and I have to do it as I have already been paid for that.
Here's further proof that they mean business. They don't even need to address it to me! They've been paid to kill whomever checks this email address, which means they clearly have hackers working furiously watching my computer and email. I hope they didn't mind that I was doing a Google Image search for "bacon cheeseburger" earlier and found lots of pictures of bacon. Oh, and I went to several porn sites that showed much more than a woman's ankles. And this group was apparently responsible for the bombing of something belonging to the twin towers, but to keep their mystique, they won't even tell me! Twin tower's what? Their shadows? Their blueprints? Their replica in Lego form that you made in your basement?
Someone whom you called your friend told us all about you and how you supporting President George Bush, during the war against our Muslim brothers in Iraq and this person have spent a lot of money in this venture, This person came to us and told me that he wanted you dead and he provided us with your name, picture and other necessary information's we needed about you. So I sent my boys to track you down this including bugging of your phones with satellite tracking devices and they have carried out the necessary investigation we needed for the operation on you, and if you doubt this information am going to give you all the necessary information about you back to you in your next reply so that you can believe me, and my boys are really on you but I told them not to kill you that I will like to contact you and see if your life is important to you and the one of your family. I called my client back and ask him of your email address which I didn't tell him what I wanted to do with it and he gave it to me and I am using it to contact you now. As I am writing you this mail my men are monitoring you and they are telling me everything about you.
See? They are monitoring me. I knew it! And somehow they know all about my secretive support of George Bush. I mean, I vocalize my disgust of Bush and subsequent support of Obama, but when I'm home alone, I strip naked, put on my Barbara Bush mask and have sex with my George Bush doll while wiping my ass with the Bill of Rights. How did this guy know that? He must have my whole house under surveillance.
And who's this friend who wants me dead? Oh, never mind. I know.
Now do you want to LIVE OR DIE? Since all program has be made and draw to kill you. Get back to me now if you are ready to pay some fees to spare your Life, $10,000 is all you need to spend in this process you will first of all Pay $7,000 and then I will send a tape to you which I recorded in every discussion I had with the person, who wanted you dead and as soon as you get the Tape, You will pay the remaining balance of $3,000. If you are not ready for my help, then I will carry on with my job straight-up, while we are doing this, we want to make America, London, Spain, Germany a hell for those that support the President George Bush war against Iraq, our Muslim Country.
Well, here's some good news. All I need to do is pay him some money and he'll send me a tape? Wait a second. He doesn't say anywhere that he's going to let me live, just that if I pay him $10,000, he'll send me a tape of my so-called friend who wants me dead. I'm sure after that, he'll probably just blow me up. Maybe I should write up a little contract to send to him first that will clarify what he's willing to do and avoid doing for the sum of $10,000. Do you think I should remind him that with the exchange rate, $10,000 US is only like 4 Euros?
WARNING: DO NOT THINK OF CONTACTING THE POLICE OR EVEN TELLING ANYONE BECAUSE I WILL KNOW ,REMEMBER, SOMEONE WHO KNOWS YOU VERY WELL WANT YOU DEAD!
I WILL EXTEND IT TO YOUR FAMILY, INCASE I NOTICE SOMETHING FUNNY ABOUT YOUR TELLING THE SECURITY ABOUT IT BECAUSE A GOOD LOOK IS OUT YOU AT MOMENT.
DO NOT COME OUT ONCE IT IS 7PM UNTIL I MAKE OUT TIME TO SEE YOU AND GIVE YOU THE TAPE OF ALL DISCUSSION WITH THE PERSON WHO WANT YOU DEAD THEN YOU CAN USE IT TO TAKE ANY LEGAL ACTION. GOOD LUCK AS I AWAIT YOUR REPLY…………….
Deadly Killers, don't yell! I'm already frightened enough. I don't need to feel like you're pressuring me into making this decision. And is that 7 PM Eastern Standard Time? GMT? What about Daylight Savings? And what if I don't have the money? Will you take Monopoly Money? What about an IOU? An autographed copy of The Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie?
THANKS,
AL-QUAEDA NETWORKS
No, no. Thank you for giving me a chance to avert this catastrophe and hopefully avoid death!
Well, it was nice knowing everyone. I'll probably be dead by the time you read this!
(Oh, and if you've been wondering about the results from last week's contest, I plan on giving the contest winners on Sunday when I put up the new contest. I think that's the best way to do that from now on.)
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Wow you're being so brave. It was nice knowing you.
Comments by Amanda
Damn, dude. You're totally fucked. Glad we got to hook up at least once. Still like to do the video game party, but it's probably too late for that now.
Comments by Karl
if they behead you , can I have it and deepfry it?
Comments by Zom
It's so meaty!
Comments by Zom
Infidel! You have mocked our holy jihad against "He who fries too much" and your American Fry Daddy ways. We have already placed on of our most trusted sleeper cell agents (Code name CREED) to abduct your most valuable asset. Soon we will have you just where we want you... rolling in pain and agony and begging forgiveness for worshiping the Bush. May Akmar the humus eating, three hump camel herder (yes he is good for at least three humps on those long desert crossings... it izzz how he got hezzz name!)sleep in your tent for 1,000 years. And you KNOW what eating humus does to Akbar! BAHAHA You have been cursed!! You can not escape us! hehehe We will sneak into your home and put llama pee in your Imperialist breakfast cereal! We will seran wrap your toilet seats the night before your next Fryday! We can not be stopped! We will rein terror upon you until you pay the hefty ranson... and toss in some American Twinkies to atone for your mockery. OR DIE A THOUSAND DEATHS!!!!
Comments by NOT y2k survivor
Oh no, please please stay inside after 7pm in all time zones. You are so lucky that you received the warning, now you just need to pay up!
Comments by Chris
Infidel!!! I Kill You!
WOW!!! I didn't now you supported Bush!
Comments by DaDuck
When you die can I have your comics?
Comments by Dan
I think it was very nice of them to thank you at the end. I like polite terrorists.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
I'm tickled by how they couldn't be arsed to spell anything right but still were punctilious about using "who" and "whom" correctly.
Comments by golfwidow
And you thought you had it bad when I was stalking you.
My tape was only a mix tape, you know.
Comments by Mike
Deadly killers, don't yell at me!!
OK, but seriously Adam. Just give them the money and we can all get on with our lives, OK?
Comments by Miss Britt
Feh, I get that from the Scientologists every other week. (insert yawn)
Comments by RW
The answer is to perform a Mel Gibson / Gary Sinise reverse-play like in the movie "Ransom:" Get thee to a local news broadcast and lay out $10,000 on the table. Tell Mr. Quaeda that he will never see a dime of that money, and that you'll be taking out ads in every major newspaper, every week, offering a bounty of $10,000 for nailing the scrotumhead.
Then — scream on the phone "Give me back my son!" at several random intervals during the day.
Or just do the death thing. Up to you...
Comments by Shiny
Obviously they have too much time on their hands. BeasTube must have been down.
Mmmm... well since Zom already asked for your head, and Dan asked for your comics... can I have that USB Missile Launcher thingy you got for Christmas???
Comments by NYCWD
Well that's just great. Now you're going to be dead and we'll never know who won last week's contest.
Comments by y not i
Can I have your cheeseburgers and porn after you are dead?
Comments by Grant
Can I have Jigsaw?
Comments by Poppy
Speaking of google searches for bacon cheeseburgers, I had one of those new Spicy Baconator burgers at Wendy's last night and it may be the perfect fast food meal of all time.
And a fine choice for your next Fryday, perhaps.
Best of luck with the deadly killers. They sound like bad dudes. They've got "dead" and "kill" right in their name. Brrr...scary!
Comments by B.E. Earl
Um... it's AL-QUAEDA NETWORKS®. Wouldn't want you to get sued.
Comments by Finn
Remember my love for you in your will, whoever you are.
Comments by Winter
Their first plan was to kill you by wrapping electrodes around your balls and giving you a few zaps every few minutes until you were dead. But, then they realized how much you would enjoy that they changed their plan to just blowing you. UP .. blowing you UP!
Can I have your complete Gilmore Girls DVD collection when you're gone?
Comments by Jay
I think the fact they gave you a heads up and offered for you to buy your way out, they are not to be taken so lightly.
Comments by themuttprincess
Can I have the Angel puppet?
Oh, and I'll miss you!
Comments by metalmom
When you die, can I have Miss Britt?
Comments by Stephanie
Can I have the Barbara Bush mask?
Oh Adam, I needed this laugh!!!!!!!
Comments by Britt's mom
I wonder how much Britt paid them to have you killed?
Comments by Nobody™
I kind of thought you were a Bush supporter. It shows.
I can always count on you to give my some less-than-pleasant image to carry with me throughout my day. Today's will be W screwing Barbara with a shitty ass.
Comments by Sarah is Ok
damn, Stephanie beat me to it!
Comments by Melanie Marie
Somehow I think that Britt probably wouldn't have given you an out.
And of course it's Al-Queada. Everyone knows that a Q has to have a U after it.
Comments by Tracy Lynn
i will see you on the other side, my friend
Comments by Crys
amy' s going to get that insurance payout sooner than expected.
Comments by liquid
Amanda, I'm only brave on the outside.
Karl, maybe before 7 PM tonight.
Zom, sure. My eyeballs are particularly tasty and nutritious.
Y2K, hahahahahaha! Did you take your meds this morning?
Chris, I'm checking the cushions for loose change as we speak. I only need another $9,988.91.
Duck, I don't - I prefer a little landing strip, but not like crazy bush. :D
Dan, do you realize the mercenary greed you have started with this request? And, yes.
Fab, me too. It makes the terror just a wee less terrifying.
Golfwidow, I think Babelfish is to thank for that one.
Mike, that wasn't a mix tape. It was Celine Dion repeated 18 times.
Britt, can I borrow ten grand?
RW, I bet they spell things correctly, though.
Shiny, GIVE ME BACK MY SON!
NYCWD, yes, you can. Anything else?
Y not I, I know - the tragedy of it all!
Grant, it's not Asian porn, though.
Poppy, you'll have to fight Amy for her.
BE Earl, I can't handle spicy food. I like the normal Baconator, though.
Finn, ah, good thinking.
Winter, I'll leave everything to you.
Jay, you'd be one of a few who would appreciate it.
TMP, clearly they are very serious.
Metalmom, you know that it doesn't have a working penis, right?
Stephanie, yes. Do with her what you will.
Mom, only if you take the George Bush doll too.
Nobody, she's a cheap fucker, so probably a few dollars.
Sarah, with a shitty ass or in the shitty ass?
Melanie, you're fantasizing about her too?
Tracy, you're right - she would make sure it was ironclad.
Crys, will you be there as an avatar of glowing light?
Liquid, I know. She'll be a mill-yon-air.
Comments by Avitable
I'm voting for Amy to have you stuffed and left in your desk chair for eternity.
Comments by Amy
Why would I pay myself $10,000-
I mean.. uh... no.
Sorry. Love to help you out. But, uh, no.
Comments by Miss Britt
Um... do you mind putting up last week's contest results now? You know, while you still can? Just saying...
Comments by Jeff
Do you think they will mail you back in itty, bitty pieces???
Where should we send flowers?
Comments by Trishk
Oh my god you are slow. That mail is not really from terrorists and I'm kind of surprised neither you nor any of your readers have realized that.
It's either a joke or a scam, but none of it is true. With so many misspellings and complete lack of detail (vague, hello!) it should have pretty obvious.
I'm so not letting you live this down!
Comments by Clown
been nice knowing you, doc.
Comments by hellohahanarf
Amy, that's a brilliant idea!
Britt, fucker.
Jeff, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nobody wins if the terrorist wins.
TrishK, I don't think I can be turned into itty bitty pieces. Maybe largish chunks.
Clown, why do you insist on making people think I have stupid friends?
Hello, you too!
Comments by Avitable
huh?
Comments by Clown
That's creepy!
Need me to send Dean over with his M-16 to protect you???
I'll bet if we ask nicely he'll do it bare naked except for his kevlar....
Mmmmm. I'm horny.
Comments by Kyra Sutra
Can you send them round to mine I checked my insurance and I am covered for terrorist wanna be's who can't spell for fcuk (see what I did there) cus I need new patio windows!
Actually why don't you pop round an that way I don't have to die an ask what whom ever is pulling the strings this week to revive me
Comments by L
Hopefully your will is up-to-date.
Comments by themuttprincess
That is fucking classic! I can't WAIT to check my spam now!!!!
Seriously- you'd better pay up. I am not sure of how patient Miss Britt is....
I think it was your nekkid picture that really pissed them off!
Comments by Sybil Law
First, the fucker is threatening to kill you, yet thanks you at the end of the letter.
Second? Since you've been threatened and you're the leader of the Church of Holy Avitableness, does that make this a Holy War?
Shit, where's my Uzi...
Comments by Coal Miner's Granddaughter
Duck had the same thought I did. The whole time I was reading it I heard Jeff Dunham's puppet Achmed ("How do you spell it?" "A...C...phlegm..."). Dang, do these spam authors actually get people to believe them? There's so many of these things going around - is there, like, six people sitting in a room in Siberia (they get internet access in Siberia, right?) just cranking these puppies out?
Comments by Laura
Also, by commenting on this, am I on their hit list now, too? I'm gonna need to borrow Coal Miner's Granddaughter's Uzi...
Comments by Laura
I'll miss you when you are gone! Actually, if you never leave your house again, you might be ok!
Comments by Lynda
I'm thinking no way do they know that you can actually use your saggy nutsack as a defensive weapon or they woulda charged more
Comments by Turnbaby
ps. happy pi day
Comments by liquid
Deadly networks in the world? Isn't that Fox?
Should we start a Save Avitable campaign to raise the money complete with telethon and charity single?
Comments by Bec
Dude, I'll miss you, but I will more miss the excellent new foods you've introduced me to.
Comments by MyWeeWorld
Dude can I have your computer? I bet there's all kinds of cool and nasty shit in there !
Comments by Trukindog
Oh snap! It's a good thing you charged all that wholesale tranny porn on your VISA... otherwise you'd be jolly well fucked right now. But then again, you'd be dying with $12,000 worth of tranny porn. It probably doesn't get any better than that.
Comments by Craig
Oh yeah, I heard them talking about you when I was in the middle east. Kinda forgot to warn you when I got back though.
Oopsies!
Comments by Girl, Dislocated
DID ANYBODY CALL YOUR SMILIES YET?
*ahem*
You cannot die. Poppy & I have parties in your comments.
So remember awhile ago I had to change my msn stuff so "Avitable, Tact is for Pussies" didn't pop up for every e-mail response? Yeah. I forgot to do that for the old Bill Gates looking dude that replaced my hard drive at work. hee...
Comments by Tug
Being on the left coast, I am always late to everything when it comes to blogs. Last to post, blah blah blah. So you are probably already dead. I guess we could cremate you and turn you into a diamond and all the female bloggers, and Fab, could take turns wearing you for a week. That would be a lovely tribute for a life cut off in it's prime.
Comments by Winter
I wish I lived near you. I would totally put a turban on my head and knock on your door at 7:01 pm.
Comments by BlondeBlogger
LOL @ Clown! You thought Avi thought this was real? Really? Hahahahahaha!!!! (I'm not being snide...I really found it funny)
Comments by BlondeBlogger
Heh. The e-mail is funny, and the comments section is funnier still; but the best is Avitable's response to Clown.
I will be grinning about that all night now.
Comments by Melanie
Well it was nice knowing you.
Comments by Peggy
Clown, fucker.
Kyra, rawr!
L, I see what you did there.
TMP, everything goes to my penis.
Sybil, she's very impatient, and you think I should have worn a veil?
Heather, I didn't even think about the Church. It's a jihad!
Laura, I'd feel bad for anyone who falls for this and gives them money.
Lynda, that's a good point. Maybe I'll just hide in my office.
Turnbaby, it's not saggy! Just stretchy.
Liquid, pi, steak and blowjobs.
Bec, I think a telethon would be perfect.
MyWeeWorld, like burritos with chocolate syrup? Have you tried it yet?
Trukindog, there is indeed.
Craig, you have to pay a premium for quality tranny porn.
Girl, Dislocated, oh, everybody in the Middle East knows each other?
Tug, you and Poppy can share my smilies.
Winter, of course, you commented earlier today, too, you know.
BB, hahahahahahaha! And no, Clown is just being retarded.
Melanie, my reputation is very important.
Peggy, same here!
Comments by Avitable
I haven't tried them yet as I'm a big chicken, but I recently lost a bet where my end of the wager was that I would eat any gross food Man-Friend suggested. Maybe I'll tell him about the chocorittos. I don't think they sound that bad, but he might!
Comments by MyWeeWorld
Since your days are numbered, can I have have your shoes? I could really use a new pair. Thanks for the consideration. . .
Comments by jake titus
No, but there are loudspeakers everywhere that are used to broadcast prayers five times a day, which includes mentioning those who need to be killed/and or burn in hell. Naturally, since you've been a major supporter of GB as pointed out in that astute email, your name came up.
Comments by Girl, Dislocated
This is one of the funniest things I have ever read in my life. Thanks. Oh and it was nice knowing you.
Comments by Nina
MyWeeWorld, so MF is trying to get you to put strange things in your mouth?
Jake, my shoes aren't worth it.
Girl, Dislocated, really? They actually mention those who need to be killed or need to burn in hell?
Nina, you won't come protect me? Knit me up a bulletproof vest or something?
Comments by Avitable
Yes, they do. They usually stick to naming groups of people rather than individuals, but you must be special to have been mentioned by name and been sent an email!
Comments by Girl, Dislocated
GD, wow. I had no idea that was done.
Comments by Avitable