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The Toes Have It

Have you ever had a day where you can’t come up with shit to blog? That’s me, right now.

I’m sitting here experiencing a random stream of consciousness while I think about what I can blog. It goes something like this:

“What can I blog? Hmm. Nothing interesting has really happened that I can talk about, I’m tired, I haven’t almost killed myself in a long time, I hope I have a book in the bathroom because I know I’ll be spending an hour in there soon, there’s nothing good on TV to discuss except Ghost Hunters, Hilly’s going to Philly, everybody’s birthdays are over, a new employee starts tomorrow, Bossy comes Friday, my office is a mess, here I sit, in my underwear and socks, trying to write a post. My socks are annoying me because they both have huge holes in them and my toes poke out. Boy, my toes are horrible. Has the blogoringoboingoverse seen my toes?”

The answer, dear reader, is no. No, you have not seen my toes. Until now!



I also wanted to thank everyone who has contributed to the “Send Hilly to Philly” campaign! We’ve already reached our goal. Holy shit you people are awesome – that took less than 24 hours! I am totally amazed at your generosity and kindness yet again.

I’d like to list the names of people who contributed, and if I don’t know your blog name, I’ll just use your first name and last initial. If you do not want me to list your name, please email me at my first name at my last name dot com by tonight.

Thank you again! Woohoo! Hilly’s going to Philly!

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88 Replies to “The Toes Have It”

  1. hello haha narf

    i haaaaaaaaaaaaaate feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!

    dammit, how could you do this to me?

    i’m gonna have nightmares now.

    you would totally suck except that you got hilly to philly. before i could even donate! and before my little picture showed up on my blog! great job!!!

  2. turnbaby

    Good god man!!! No wonder your socks have so many holes!!

    Go get a pedicure—it’s awesome and will not damage your manly *snarf* reputation.

    And I am thrilled about the news for Hilly!

    And noticing how very ‘freewrite-ish’ your post is :batting:

  3. HoosierGirl

    It’s way too early for this.

    Can I get you to fund-raise for me? I have school tuition to pay that I haven’t a clue where I’m going to get the money for. You could call it “Help Hoosier Girl”….

    I’m just sayin’….


  4. Cap

    You have tiny little baby toes. Are you sure those are your toes and not those of, say, a 10 year old boy?

    I’m imagining a big hairy gorilla with tiny little baby toes and tiny little baby hands to match and a gigantic hairy head (except for the bald spot). For some reason, you’re also wearing a tutu. I’m not sure why.

  5. Avitable

    Amanda, you? I can’t imagine you ever being speechless!

    Hello, you don’t like my tooties?

    Karl, I don’t believe in clipping. When I’m sitting on the toilet, sometimes I’ll just reach down and snap off the ones that get too long, but that’s about it.

    Nina, those are my real feet. I told you that I’m just going to wear those socks on my penis, right?

    Mary, I don’t plan on asking her to suck my toes. Only if she offers.

    Melanie, there is some hair on them, but it’s finer than everywhere else.

    Amy, yeah, she shudders and makes that vomiting face whenever my feet are near her.

    Honeybell, people have callouses on the tops of their toes?

    KG, I knew you’d love it.

    Penelope, but you do balls?

    Turnbaby, yeah. My toes cut holes in my socks all the time. And my post is clearly stream of consciousness in a grammatically correct way. Fucker.

    Hoatzin, what is Toe Jam Football?

    Dan, well, I have caught some fish accidentally whilst dangling my toes in the water.

    HG, it’s never too early for feet!

    Tracy, I do it for you, Red.

    NYCWD, just think. I saved the cost of your morning coffee and breakfast. So you’re welcome!

    Cap, well, I do have a tutu . . .

    Karen, wanna suck on my big toe?

    Britt, I have to stare at your toes all the time, too. Your toenails are even worse!

  6. Sandi

    Coming out of lurkdom today. Hmmm. I must say that your feet are not bad at all! I see feet and believe me I have seen some bad ones.. gah. yours look fine:)
    You should come in for a pedi though…once you have one? you will be hooked!

  7. Functionally ReTodded

    a) people get callouses from wearing shoes, and since all you do is parade around giving your hideous foot digits air and growth vitamins, you don’t get any.

    b) how does a gorilla that probably has hair on the inside have the feet of a six week old baby? I’m starting to think you have a prehensile tail too.

    c) I just threw up in my mouth. We are not a foot house. I mean,we are in favor of having them. Just not touching them or putting them anywhre near one another.

    d)god damn you and your mind.

  8. turnbaby

    Hee hee!

    Seriously–do yourself a favor. It’s blog fodder like you would not believe.

    It should be a vlog though cause I’d love to see the tiny Vietnamese salon tech working on the itsy bitsy baby toes you’ve got there. And they will ALL be talking about you–in Vietnamese.

  9. Coal Miner's Granddaughter

    Oh, wow. All I want to do right now, after barfing, is attack you with a set of toenail clippers and a file. Then, I’m going to paint them hot pink. Then, I’m going to wash myself off with bleach.

    Oh, and? I tried to donate yesterday but PayPal kept locking up on me. Is there anyway I can send you guys $10 for drink $$? 🙂

  10. Cissa Fireheart

    Ok See, Now…Now, I HAVE to put Hubby’s gross, icky, lerper-like post surgery foot picture up….so these poor people see it can get SO MUCH WORSE than this….

    although, I did gag on my coffee….and last night’s dinner threatened to make a second apprearance….

    how about some more visual for ya? hehe

    yeah, I hate feet….ew.

  11. turnbaby

    I forgot to say that I too have prehensile grabbing ability. I can and have pinched people with my toes. I can pick stuff up etc.

    I love feet–just not gross toenails–get the pedi!! Think of poor Amy’s legs!

  12. Avitable

    Laura, monkey feet?

    Britt, heehee.

    Sandi, I think my toenails would break whatever tools you had.

    Todd, well, I do have something long between my legs, but it’s not a tail.

    Robin, oh, you don’t like feet either?

    Turnbaby, I already get my eyebrows waxed, so I’ve got plenty of metrosexual fodder.

    Heather, I can be in Macon in a few hours if you want to get the clippers out. And if you want, you can just go to Paypal directly and email it to me at my first name at my last name dot com.

    Mr. Fabulous, okay, but only if we do it naked.

    Cissa, that sounds wonderful.

    Headbang, but it’s after Easter!

    Turnbaby, can you write your name? I can!

  13. B.E. Earl

    It’s not that I hate your toes, in particular. It’s all toes I have a problem with. Especially my own.

    My middle toe is the longest one on my left foot. Guaranteed to make the ladies squeel with disgust.

    But yeah, I hate your toes as well.

  14. Finn

    You know, the beginning of this post is strangely like freewriting… I’m just sayin’.

    Do you chew your toenails? How does this happen? Does your wife sleep on a different planet? Because there’s no way you’d be getting in bed with me with that going on.

  15. Marissa

    We’ve seen your balls, your ass crack, and I think there have been pics of your internal organs as well, and you’re just NOW getting around to your toes?

    I’ve never seen hairless toes before… but you should really see someone about the Ginsu nail.

  16. Grant

    Mine are far uglier, with the two primary toes recovering from nail loss. Plus I do have some hobbit hair to top them off.

    If you’re still stumped for tomorrow, let’s compare testicles.

  17. Trishk

    You have surprisingly small looking feet. You know what that says about other parts of your body, right?

    But, let’s not show anymore toe pictures, at least until you get that pedicure. (where’s my vomiting smilie?…oh there it is) :puke:

  18. Avitable

    MsBatman, I’m helping to desensitize the world, one person at a time.

    BE Earl, I don’t love my toes.

    Jay, it’s a scientific miracle.

    Poppy, you love feet, don’t you? 😀

    Finn, no, it’s clearly much better than freewriting! I do not chew my toenails – they just snap off as they get too long or after getting caught on my socks.

    Hoatzin, I’ve never heard a John Lennon song in my life, and I barely know any Beatles songs. I’m just not a fan.

    Hilly, I’ll remember that in Philly.

    TMP, well, to be fair, one of them broke off in my sock and it was about an inch long.

    Colleen, nah. Let it rot.

    Marissa, it’s nice for opening cans without tools.

    Grant, okay, but I always win a ball contest.

    Penelope, so saying suck my balls is more appealing than suck my feet?

    Crazy Lady, I do not bite them. Ew!

    MyWeeWorld, yeah, there’s some hair down there but it wasn’t really showing up on the photos.

    Trish, maybe I should go get a pedicure.

  19. Poppy

    I tried to do a video comment with audio, just like the other times I’ve done it, but I can’t get the sound working, so I’ll just TYPE out my video:

    No, I do not like feet. :finger:

  20. Avitable

    Fig, raptor toes would be the shiznit.

    Yoshi, I’m sure they keep you warm in the winter, though.

    Turnbaby, very nice!

    Poppy, hahahah!

    Gina, nah. They’ll be fine. Nobody will be sucking on them anytime soon, so who cares?

  21. L

    I’m with Hilly and Penelope I’d rather see your nutsack and I really don’t wanna see that if I can help it but god damn I’m gonna need those sleeping tablets tonight

  22. hellohahanarf

    instead of holding you down in philly and waxing your balls, we are going to strap you into a pedicure chair and have some foreign woman curse at you in another language while doing something about those feet.


    anyone who would lick feet before balls can’t be trusted. i’m just saying.

  23. Avitable

    L, try liquor. It’s quicker.

    Bec, I’m sure. Unless they’re lying to me.

    Hello, I’m totally going to rub my bare feet all over you.

    TMP, yup!

    Jeff, it’s something towards which I aspire.

    Crystal, would you contribute?

    Hoatzin, nah, it was a good one, that I didn’t even know!

  24. Girl, Dislocated

    I’m going to go against the crowd and thank you for posting that picture. Things have been :shit: -y lately, but seeing your toes and then looking at my comparatively pretty toes made me realize that not EVERYTHING sucks right now! :dance:

  25. Em

    Am I allowed to ask an unrelated question here? Yea, So, even if I’m logged into wordpress my own picture won’t show up next to my comment? I have to get an additional username and password just for this site then? (I don’t have a circular shaped beard so seeing that figure next to my comment is bugging me.)

  26. Mrs RW

    Disturbing. It will take all my effort not to look at your feet when we meet. Yes, that is without a doubt a fungal infection. Lamisil and bleach soaks are definitely in order.

    Totally not surprised by your hairless feet. There’s a medical reason for it.

  27. Avitable

    Summer, ew!

    Girl, Dislocated, steel toed socks might be a good idea. I’m sorry things have been shitty lately.

    Em, yeah, that was crazy!

    Hello, hahahaha – it’s a deal.

    Em, you need to go to and create an account.

    Trukindog, it cuts through cotton!

    Kapgar, the relation to a gorilla was not an exaggeration.

    Mrs. RW, there’s a fungus among us!

    Sybil, I have plenty of the real stuff to go around, though.

  28. Stephanie

    I literally just threw up a little.
    In my mouth.
    Then chewed it back.
    Then lost it again when I accidentally scrolled too far back up.
    Seriously, dude. No wonder there are always holes in your socks.

    Great for tree climbing and warding off predators, thought. :puke:

  29. BlondeBlogger

    Ghost Hunters is the best show evah! Have you watched Paranormal State? If you like GH, you’ll love that one too.

    By the way, this is one of the few times I’m glad I’m on dial-up (pictures are slow to load…so slow that I’ll hit “submit comment” before the torture begins.)

  30. Avitable

    Steph, and opening those hard plastic packages that nobody can open.

    BB, I actually hated Paranomal State. Ghost Hunters is scientific and they’re skeptical. PS has that douche guy who’s the head, and they focus too much on cleansing, feelings and prayer than actual scientific evidence.

  31. BlondeBlogger

    That’s true….they are polar opposites in that regard. I’m into feelings and cleansings and prayer so it’s right up my alley. And I like Ryan and his approach (being Catholic, it’s not every day you find a fellow Catholic interested in the paranormal so I find that really cool).

    But I can see that it wouldn’t be your style..should’ve thought about that. Duh!

    How about the documentary “Ghost Adventures?” Here are some links I found: (spoilers on this one)

    I don’t know if it will re-air or if you can get it on video, but I hope so because I guarantee you’ll love this one. My husband is a huge skeptic and was floored by it. The ending will freak you the fuck out, lol!

  32. Avitable

    BlondeBlogger, I don’t mind the cleansing, but when that’s the whole show, without any evidence that there is any haunting or paranormal activity recorded, it’s just ridiculous. I watched the Ghost Adventurers when it aired on SciFi. I hate the guys who did it – I’ve never heard a more pretentious obnoxious fuck than that narrator. He was so full of himself that we fast forwarded through most of it, and other than that last part where they caught stuff flying across the room, I thought it was a waste of time. It should have been about ten minutes long.

    Golfwidow, I know! Or what if I get a cool package and can’t open it with my toes like usual?

    Melanie, poor wife? They’re my feet!

  33. Stephanie

    I hate Paranormal State too…too much crazy i’m-so-hot-and-mysterious-and-sad lead guy. He makes me insane. “Director’s Log” blech. Give me Jason and Grant anyday.

    Preferable naked…well, Jason anyway. He’s hot in a way that makes me damp.

  34. Jordie

    Why DONT you have hair on them? I wonder if its because the way you wash your feet is just by stomping on soap in the shower–maybe Amy leaves just traces of nair in there…

  35. Avitable

    BlondeBlogger, the part with the brick was very cool. These little pretentious idiots who make snap judgments and don’t actually try to capture evidence annoy me. Jason and Grant area awesome – they don’t think they’re better than their jobs.

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