Avitable » The Toes Have It

Have you ever had a day where you can't come up with shit to blog? That's me, right now.

I'm sitting here experiencing a random stream of consciousness while I think about what I can blog. It goes something like this:

"What can I blog? Hmm. Nothing interesting has really happened that I can talk about, I'm tired, I haven't almost killed myself in a long time, I hope I have a book in the bathroom because I know I'll be spending an hour in there soon, there's nothing good on TV to discuss except Ghost Hunters, Hilly's going to Philly, everybody's birthdays are over, a new employee starts tomorrow, Bossy comes Friday, my office is a mess, here I sit, in my underwear and socks, trying to write a post. My socks are annoying me because they both have huge holes in them and my toes poke out. Boy, my toes are horrible. Has the blogoringoboingoverse seen my toes?"

The answer, dear reader, is no. No, you have not seen my toes. Until now!

I also wanted to thank everyone who has contributed to the "Send Hilly to Philly" campaign! We've already reached our goal. Holy shit you people are awesome - that took less than 24 hours! I am totally amazed at your generosity and kindness yet again.

I'd like to list the names of people who contributed, and if I don't know your blog name, I'll just use your first name and last initial. If you do not want me to list your name, please email me at my first name at my last name dot com by tonight.

Thank you again! Woohoo! Hilly's going to Philly!

I am speechless.

Comments by Amanda

comment by Amanda Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 12:05 am

i haaaaaaaaaaaaaate feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!

dammit, how could you do this to me?

i'm gonna have nightmares now.

you would totally suck except that you got hilly to philly. before i could even donate! and before my little picture showed up on my blog! great job!!!

Comments by hello haha narf

comment by hello haha narf Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 12:06 am

Damn, dude...those are some fucking ugly ass toes. And what happened to the clippers?

BTW, I'm totally relying on you and Britt to get me to BlogHer. You're the masters.

Comments by Karl

comment by Karl Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 12:13 am

I am so ashamed that I have only finished 1.5 of your socks. Is that your real foot, honey?

Comments by Nina

comment by Nina Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 12:19 am

You got BOSSY coming to town? I'd get a pedicure if I were you!!!

Have fun. (And a pedicure.....)

Comments by Mary

comment by Mary Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 12:40 am

Aside from the need for a pedi, your toes are cute. I was surprised to not see hair on them...very surprised.

Comments by Melanie

comment by Melanie Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 1:51 am

Holy shit, Nutsack! I really thought you were kidding about the toe thing because Britt hasn't mentioned... now I realize, she is so traumatized she's blocked it out!!!!

Comments by AmyD

comment by AmyD Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 1:54 am

Get thee to a pedicurist.

Other than that they are nicely straight, no peeling or godawful callouses . . . I give them a 7.5

Comments by Honeybell

comment by Honeybell Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 2:15 am

Guh-ross. Srsly.

Comments by Kentucky Girl

comment by Kentucky Girl Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 2:37 am

Bring back the bollocks!!! I don't do feet, not mine, not anyones!

Comments by Penelope

comment by Penelope Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 2:55 am

Good god man!!! No wonder your socks have so many holes!!

Go get a pedicure—it's awesome and will not damage your manly *snarf* reputation.

And I am thrilled about the news for Hilly!

And noticing how very 'freewrite-ish' your post is

Comments by turnbaby

comment by turnbaby Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 5:22 am

Skeevy!

I don't even think you'd be allowed to play Toe Jam Football with those bad boys.

Comments by Hoatzin

comment by Hoatzin Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 5:59 am

Those are toes? I thought i'd stumbled onto some sort of bait section of a fishing blog.

Comments by Dan

comment by Dan Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 6:19 am

It's way too early for this.

Can I get you to fund-raise for me? I have school tuition to pay that I haven't a clue where I'm going to get the money for. You could call it "Help Hoosier Girl"....

I'm just sayin'....

Comments by HoosierGirl

comment by HoosierGirl Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 6:40 am

Oh, for fucks sake. Why can't you just...just...NOT DO THESE THINGS?!

Comments by Tracy Lynn

comment by Tracy Lynn Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 6:49 am

There's nothing like the taste of one's own vomit in the morning.

Thanks.

Comments by NYCWD

comment by NYCWD Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 7:23 am

You have tiny little baby toes. Are you sure those are your toes and not those of, say, a 10 year old boy?

I'm imagining a big hairy gorilla with tiny little baby toes and tiny little baby hands to match and a gigantic hairy head (except for the bald spot). For some reason, you're also wearing a tutu. I'm not sure why.

Comments by Cap

comment by Cap Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 7:24 am

So much for the steel cut oatmeal I was looking forward to...all I'm going to be doing is gagging on it like toe jam anyway now.
THANKS, ASSHOLE.

Comments by Karen Sugarpants

comment by Karen Sugarpants Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 7:51 am

Dude, I've seen those fuckers before and even I got nauseous.

Comments by Miss Britt

comment by Miss Britt Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 7:52 am

Amanda, you? I can't imagine you ever being speechless!

Hello, you don't like my tooties?

Karl, I don't believe in clipping. When I'm sitting on the toilet, sometimes I'll just reach down and snap off the ones that get too long, but that's about it.

Nina, those are my real feet. I told you that I'm just going to wear those socks on my penis, right?

Mary, I don't plan on asking her to suck my toes. Only if she offers.

Melanie, there is some hair on them, but it's finer than everywhere else.

Amy, yeah, she shudders and makes that vomiting face whenever my feet are near her.

Honeybell, people have callouses on the tops of their toes?

KG, I knew you'd love it.

Penelope, but you do balls?

Turnbaby, yeah. My toes cut holes in my socks all the time. And my post is clearly stream of consciousness in a grammatically correct way. Fucker.

Hoatzin, what is Toe Jam Football?

Dan, well, I have caught some fish accidentally whilst dangling my toes in the water.

HG, it's never too early for feet!

Tracy, I do it for you, Red.

NYCWD, just think. I saved the cost of your morning coffee and breakfast. So you're welcome!

Cap, well, I do have a tutu . . .

Karen, wanna suck on my big toe?

Britt, I have to stare at your toes all the time, too. Your toenails are even worse!

Comments by Avitable

comment by Avitable Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 8:00 am

I think I just found a new phobia!

Comments by Laura

comment by Laura Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 8:00 am

You know that indignant huffy voice I have?

Imagine it.... now.

They are NOT!!

comment by Miss Britt Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 8:03 am

Coming out of lurkdom today. Hmmm. I must say that your feet are not bad at all! I see feet all.day.long. and believe me I have seen some bad ones.. gah. yours look fine:)
You should come in for a pedi though...once you have one? you will be hooked!

Comments by Sandi

comment by Sandi Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 8:05 am

a) people get callouses from wearing shoes, and since all you do is parade around giving your hideous foot digits air and growth vitamins, you don't get any.

b) how does a gorilla that probably has hair on the inside have the feet of a six week old baby? I'm starting to think you have a prehensile tail too.

c) I just threw up in my mouth. We are not a foot house. I mean,we are in favor of having them. Just not touching them or putting them anywhre near one another.

d)god damn you and your mind.

Comments by Functionally ReTodded

comment by Functionally ReTodded Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 8:16 am

I just gagged.

Comments by Robin

comment by Robin Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 8:16 am

Hee hee!

Seriously–do yourself a favor. It's blog fodder like you would not believe.

It should be a vlog though cause I'd love to see the tiny Vietnamese salon tech working on the itsy bitsy baby toes you've got there. And they will ALL be talking about you–in Vietnamese.

comment by turnbaby Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 8:20 am

Oh, wow. All I want to do right now, after barfing, is attack you with a set of toenail clippers and a file. Then, I'm going to paint them hot pink. Then, I'm going to wash myself off with bleach.

Oh, and? I tried to donate yesterday but PayPal kept locking up on me. Is there anyway I can send you guys $10 for drink $$? :-)

Comments by Coal Miner's Granddaughter

comment by Coal Miner's Granddaughter Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 8:22 am

What do you say I come down and we go get a mani/pedi together? Even better, we'll make a whole spa day of it!

Comments by Mr. Fabulous

comment by Mr. Fabulous Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 8:39 am

Ok See, Now...Now, I HAVE to put Hubby's gross, icky, lerper-like post surgery foot picture up....so these poor people see it can get SO MUCH WORSE than this....

although, I did gag on my coffee....and last night's dinner threatened to make a second apprearance....

how about some more visual for ya? hehe

yeah, I hate feet....ew.

Comments by Cissa Fireheart

comment by Cissa Fireheart Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 9:03 am

I think tha the next time this happens, you should just eat another creme egg.

Comments by headbang8

comment by headbang8 Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 9:04 am

I forgot to say that I too have prehensile grabbing ability. I can and have pinched people with my toes. I can pick stuff up etc.

I love feet–just not gross toenails–get the pedi!! Think of poor Amy's legs!

comment by turnbaby Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 9:09 am

Laura, monkey feet?

Britt, heehee.

Sandi, I think my toenails would break whatever tools you had.

Todd, well, I do have something long between my legs, but it's not a tail.

Robin, oh, you don't like feet either?

Turnbaby, I already get my eyebrows waxed, so I've got plenty of metrosexual fodder.

Heather, I can be in Macon in a few hours if you want to get the clippers out. And if you want, you can just go to Paypal directly and email it to me at my first name at my last name dot com.

Mr. Fabulous, okay, but only if we do it naked.

Cissa, that sounds wonderful.

Headbang, but it's after Easter!

Turnbaby, can you write your name? I can!

comment by Avitable Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 9:15 am

MUST.REMEMBER.DO.NOT.LOOK.AT.PICTURES.ON.THIS.BLOG.

Comments by MsBatman

comment by MsBatman Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 9:16 am

It's not that I hate your toes, in particular. It's all toes I have a problem with. Especially my own.

My middle toe is the longest one on my left foot. Guaranteed to make the ladies squeel with disgust.

But yeah, I hate your toes as well.

Comments by B.E. Earl

comment by B.E. Earl Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 9:35 am

How can a man with such a large penis have such little toes?

Comments by Jay

comment by Jay Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 9:52 am

Meep.

*faint*

Comments by Poppy

comment by Poppy Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 9:53 am

You know, the beginning of this post is strangely like freewriting... I'm just sayin'.

Do you chew your toenails? How does this happen? Does your wife sleep on a different planet? Because there's no way you'd be getting in bed with me with that going on.

Comments by Finn

comment by Finn Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 9:59 am

What is Toe Jam Football?

A Lennon lyric, from Come Together, Abbey Road?

comment by Hoatzin Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 10:25 am

It's sad that I'd much rather see the nutsack ;). And you were right...lunch is off!!

Comments by Hilly

comment by Hilly Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 10:28 am

Those are nasty!!!

But they aren't as bad as I would have guessed. Especially after seeing your socks.

Comments by themuttprincess

comment by themuttprincess Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 10:29 am

That big toe on the left foot looks like it has a fungal infection. Get thee Lamisil, post haste!

Comments by Colleen

comment by Colleen Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 11:09 am

We've seen your balls, your ass crack, and I think there have been pics of your internal organs as well, and you're just NOW getting around to your toes?

I've never seen hairless toes before... but you should really see someone about the Ginsu nail.

Comments by Marissa

comment by Marissa Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 11:24 am

Mine are far uglier, with the two primary toes recovering from nail loss. Plus I do have some hobbit hair to top them off.

If you're still stumped for tomorrow, let's compare testicles.

Comments by Grant

comment by Grant Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 11:56 am

There is always room in my world for balls, but NOT feet!!

comment by Penelope Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 12:29 pm

Seriously? Do you bite those things? Ew.

Comments by Crazy Lady in Vegas

comment by Crazy Lady in Vegas Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 1:13 pm

Gak, feet are sick. My sister and I will not let anyone touch our feet. It just totally grosses us out. So no pedis.

I really am shocked that you're lacking hobbit-like foot hair.

Comments by MyWeeWorld

comment by MyWeeWorld Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 1:21 pm

Did you grow out that one nasty toenail just for this post? Keep growing it out until it's long and curved like the claw of a Velociraptor... THAT would be cool!

Comments by Fig

comment by Fig Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 1:28 pm

You have surprisingly small looking feet. You know what that says about other parts of your body, right?

But, let's not show anymore toe pictures, at least until you get that pedicure. (where's my vomiting smilie?...oh there it is)

Comments by Trishk

comment by Trishk Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 1:29 pm

MsBatman, I'm helping to desensitize the world, one person at a time.

BE Earl, I don't love my toes.

Jay, it's a scientific miracle.

Poppy, you love feet, don't you? :D

Finn, no, it's clearly much better than freewriting! I do not chew my toenails - they just snap off as they get too long or after getting caught on my socks.

Hoatzin, I've never heard a John Lennon song in my life, and I barely know any Beatles songs. I'm just not a fan.

Hilly, I'll remember that in Philly.

TMP, well, to be fair, one of them broke off in my sock and it was about an inch long.

Colleen, nah. Let it rot.

Marissa, it's nice for opening cans without tools.

Grant, okay, but I always win a ball contest.

Penelope, so saying suck my balls is more appealing than suck my feet?

Crazy Lady, I do not bite them. Ew!

MyWeeWorld, yeah, there's some hair down there but it wasn't really showing up on the photos.

Trish, maybe I should go get a pedicure.

comment by Avitable Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 1:42 pm

You are so lucky to not have the hobbit feet that I have.

Comments by yoshi

comment by yoshi Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 1:53 pm

I can –with some practice– write my first and last names.

comment by turnbaby Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 1:56 pm

I tried to do a video comment with audio, just like the other times I've done it, but I can't get the sound working, so I'll just TYPE out my video:

No, I do not like feet.

comment by Poppy Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 1:57 pm

You may wanna get those toenails checked out. ;)

Comments by Gina

comment by Gina Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 2:09 pm

Fig, raptor toes would be the shiznit.

Yoshi, I'm sure they keep you warm in the winter, though.

Turnbaby, very nice!

Poppy, hahahah!

Gina, nah. They'll be fine. Nobody will be sucking on them anytime soon, so who cares?

comment by Avitable Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 2:47 pm

I'm with Hilly and Penelope I'd rather see your nutsack and I really don't wanna see that if I can help it but god damn I'm gonna need those sleeping tablets tonight

Comments by L

comment by L Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 3:17 pm

Can't, Stop. Looking. At. The. Hairless. Feet. - are you sure they're yours?

Comments by Bec

comment by Bec Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 3:58 pm

instead of holding you down in philly and waxing your balls, we are going to strap you into a pedicure chair and have some foreign woman curse at you in another language while doing something about those feet.

HATE. FEET.
blech.

anyone who would lick feet before balls can't be trusted. i'm just saying.

comment by hellohahanarf Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 4:03 pm

That explains some of the holes.

comment by themuttprincess Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 4:22 pm

Again, I go back to my testimonial. It seems to fit here way too often.

Comments by Jeff

comment by Jeff Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 4:49 pm

maybe you should start a Get Adam A Pedicure campaign? ;)

Comments by Crys

comment by Crys Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 4:53 pm

Beatles: not really a fan either, but I thought it was an a propos cultural reference...guess they're only funny on Sundays!

comment by Hoatzin Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 5:02 pm

L, try liquor. It's quicker.

Bec, I'm sure. Unless they're lying to me.

Hello, I'm totally going to rub my bare feet all over you.

TMP, yup!

Jeff, it's something towards which I aspire.

Crystal, would you contribute?

Hoatzin, nah, it was a good one, that I didn't even know!

comment by Avitable Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 5:12 pm

Those toes ain't so bad. My husband's are worse with greenish yellow thick toenails. Seriously they're gross. I don't let his feet on my side of the bed.

Comments by Summer

comment by Summer Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 6:35 pm

I'm going to go against the crowd and thank you for posting that picture. Things have been -y lately, but seeing your toes and then looking at my comparatively pretty toes made me realize that not EVERYTHING sucks right now!

Comments by Girl, Dislocated

comment by Girl, Dislocated Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 7:07 pm

Also, maybe you should consider steel-toed socks?

comment by Girl, Dislocated Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 7:10 pm

Wow - that's amazing! No not your toes. Those are...um nice too...but you reached your send Hilly to Philly goal in less then 24 hours?!?! I'm impressed.

Comments by Em

comment by Em Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 7:20 pm

i seem to remember that you don't like strong smells. certainly the vomit that your feet would bring forth would be unpleasant to your sensitive sniffer. may i HIGHLY recommend that you don't rub those feet on me.

comment by hello haha narf Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 7:24 pm

Am I allowed to ask an unrelated question here? Yea, So, even if I'm logged into wordpress my own picture won't show up next to my comment? I have to get an additional username and password just for this site then? (I don't have a circular shaped beard so seeing that figure next to my comment is bugging me.)

comment by Em Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 7:25 pm

Dude that toe nail looks like a saw blade, have you ever tried to cut through a two 2×4 with that thing ?

Comments by Trukindog

comment by Trukindog Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 7:55 pm

Oddly, the claim of prehensile abilities surprises me not in the slightest.

Comments by kapgar

comment by kapgar Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 8:01 pm

Disturbing. It will take all my effort not to look at your feet when we meet. Yes, that is without a doubt a fungal infection. Lamisil and bleach soaks are definitely in order.

Totally not surprised by your hairless feet. There's a medical reason for it.

Comments by Mrs RW

comment by Mrs RW Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 9:26 pm

You've made me ill.
Dammit.
Cut those nails, or get a pedicure!
Also, did you ever work on any fake jizz?!
Haha

Comments by Sybil Law

comment by Sybil Law Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 9:35 pm

Summer, ew!

Girl, Dislocated, steel toed socks might be a good idea. I'm sorry things have been shitty lately.

Em, yeah, that was crazy!

Hello, hahahaha - it's a deal.

Em, you need to go to http://www.gravatar.com and create an account.

Trukindog, it cuts through cotton!

Kapgar, the relation to a gorilla was not an exaggeration.

Mrs. RW, there's a fungus among us!

Sybil, I have plenty of the real stuff to go around, though.

comment by Avitable Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 9:41 pm

I literally just threw up a little.
In my mouth.
Then chewed it back.
Then lost it again when I accidentally scrolled too far back up.
Seriously, dude. No wonder there are always holes in your socks.

Great for tree climbing and warding off predators, thought.

Comments by Stephanie

comment by Stephanie Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 10:44 pm

Ghost Hunters is the best show evah! Have you watched Paranormal State? If you like GH, you'll love that one too.

By the way, this is one of the few times I'm glad I'm on dial-up (pictures are slow to load...so slow that I'll hit "submit comment" before the torture begins.)

Comments by BlondeBlogger

comment by BlondeBlogger Wednesday, March 26, 2008 @ 12:41 am

Steph, and opening those hard plastic packages that nobody can open.

BB, I actually hated Paranomal State. Ghost Hunters is scientific and they're skeptical. PS has that douche guy who's the head, and they focus too much on cleansing, feelings and prayer than actual scientific evidence.

comment by Avitable Wednesday, March 26, 2008 @ 1:49 am

That's true....they are polar opposites in that regard. I'm into feelings and cleansings and prayer so it's right up my alley. And I like Ryan and his approach (being Catholic, it's not every day you find a fellow Catholic interested in the paranormal so I find that really cool).

But I can see that it wouldn't be your style..should've thought about that. Duh!

How about the documentary "Ghost Adventures?" Here are some links I found:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yY_rv1Zpkx8

http://www.myspace.com/ghostadventures

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/328799/ghost_adventures_a_raw_documentary.html

http://paranormalstories.blogspot.com/2007/07/ghost-adventures.html (spoilers on this one)

I don't know if it will re-air or if you can get it on video, but I hope so because I guarantee you'll love this one. My husband is a huge skeptic and was floored by it. The ending will freak you the fuck out, lol!

comment by BlondeBlogger Wednesday, March 26, 2008 @ 2:35 am

Oh look!! I was all intrigued by the paranormal blog link I gave you, went to their main page and found this:

http://paranormalstories.blogspot.com/2008/03/ga-gets-their-own-show.html

So keep an eye out. I promise it will be worth it!

comment by BlondeBlogger Wednesday, March 26, 2008 @ 2:41 am

Oh, just ignore the review of it, by the way, hahaha.

comment by BlondeBlogger Wednesday, March 26, 2008 @ 2:42 am

Everyone's going to be sorry if you cut your toenails and tomorrow you die from a dog bite because you couldn't get up the tree in time.

Comments by golfwidow

comment by golfwidow Wednesday, March 26, 2008 @ 9:09 am

your poor wife. OMG

Comments by Melanie Marie

comment by Melanie Marie Wednesday, March 26, 2008 @ 9:56 am

BlondeBlogger, I don't mind the cleansing, but when that's the whole show, without any evidence that there is any haunting or paranormal activity recorded, it's just ridiculous. I watched the Ghost Adventurers when it aired on SciFi. I hate the guys who did it - I've never heard a more pretentious obnoxious fuck than that narrator. He was so full of himself that we fast forwarded through most of it, and other than that last part where they caught stuff flying across the room, I thought it was a waste of time. It should have been about ten minutes long.

Golfwidow, I know! Or what if I get a cool package and can't open it with my toes like usual?

Melanie, poor wife? They're my feet!

comment by Avitable Wednesday, March 26, 2008 @ 10:26 am

I hate Paranormal State too...too much crazy i'm-so-hot-and-mysterious-and-sad lead guy. He makes me insane. "Director's Log" blech. Give me Jason and Grant anyday.

Preferable naked...well, Jason anyway. He's hot in a way that makes me damp.

comment by Stephanie Wednesday, March 26, 2008 @ 2:12 pm

Why DONT you have hair on them? I wonder if its because the wa