Yesterday, Turnbaby was talking about people flying their freak flag high, and that got me thinking:
I am a control freak. I’ve been told that by obnoxious fuckers thoughtful employees, family members, and people I pass on the street. Everyone uses it pejoratively, but I take it as a compliment. Why is being a control freak a bad thing?
Clearly, you can never be fully in control of a situation. It’s impossible. There is always going to be some element of spontaneity and chance. You could be locked in your room with padded walls and a meteor could crash through your roof. The first step of being a good control freak is to realize that not everything will go according to plan.
The second step is making sure that you will control everything that you can control. This way, barring any unforeseen meteors, gas main explosions, wolf attacks, or power outages, things will operate as you expect them to.
The third step is realizing that most people are lazy idiots. If you put your trust in them, they will let you down, and if you trust them to perform some task that you see as vital, they will invariably make an error or fuck it up in some way. So, even if you have to delegate tasks to other people, it’s important to keep on top of each person on a very regular basis until you know that they’ve handled their task perfectly.
Finally, it’s important to be aware that you can be a control freak and still be flexible. Instead of creating only one option, come up with several, all related to different scenarios. This way, no matter the outcome, you have a solution.
A good control freak can make sure that things work as expected, that everything happens as it should, and that accidents and fuck-ups are at a minimum. And that means that everything works smoothly and things work efficiently! It’s very simple and it’s clear to me that the world needs control freaks if shit’s gonna get done.
Without control freaks, things get out of control. Parties run out of food or booze. Cars get in accidents. Typographical errors are made. Clients are forgotten. It’s a huge ball of chaos!
Here are the ways that I’m proudly a control freak:
1. I only go places where I know I’ll be comfortable.
2. I hate to let others drive and will always drive if at all possible.
3. I hate to fly.
4. I don’t drink, mainly because I don’t want to be out of control.
5. I research carefully before making any major decisions.
6. I don’t let other people schedule anything for me.
7. It’s important for me to be aware of what’s happening.
8. I don’t like to let anyone else plan events.
9. I hate “winging it”.
10. I despise surprises.
11. I plan for contingencies (e.g., packing three times the amount of underwear and socks, bringing extras of everything).
12. I’d rather host something than go to someone else’s house as a guest.
13. I wish that I could calculate every possible outcome.
14. I hold myself to the same standard to which I hold others.
15. If I’m in control and things don’t go well, I only have myself to blame. It’s just much easier than blaming someone else for being a retard.
16. I try to avoid rollercoasters and other types of machinery that are being maintained by idiots making minimum wage.
17. Once I know a food that I like, I stick with it. Why experiment and risk getting something bad, thereby ruining the entire time?
18. If I’m not one of the decision makers of a group, I’d rather not participate.
What type of freak are you?
Enjoy this post? Try these:Acronyms you didn’t know
Arranged marriages – old-fashioned and outdated?
Next week, on Avitable.
Twitter: Amanda234
says:
ha I’m totally opposite except for I don’t like surprises. But I’d totally rather hand the reigns over to everyone else, then it’s not my fault when things go wrong.
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I am a freak in the sack.
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Oh shit, man. How long have you got? I’m definitely phobic in the social arena, though most people say they could never tell.
And if I miss the previews at the movies, I’ll just skip the whole movie and go to another show.
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
I agree with most of those. Especially the one about wanting to be the one doing the driving. I’ll tell people I’ll just meet them somewhere just to avoid having to ride with somebody else.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
i just love you and your insane self.
(at tequilacon, your sober self can drive the ENTIRE time. i’ll drink enough for the both of us. and then some.)
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Wow… TequilaCon is breaking all sorts of ground for you here… :thumbsup:
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Except for 5, 16, and 18, I am right there with you.
I didn’t understand why, when I smilingly referred to myself as a classic Type A personality, my then-boss and coworker burst into almost hysterical laughter. Now, having spent some quality time by myself, I get it.
I’m not just Type A, I’m a wingnut.
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I’m a freak of nature – a hermaphrodite. So you see that explains why you’ve always been attracted to me,
Sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but there just never seemed to be the right moment…
xoxyo
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I’m sure I’m many kinds of freak. Control freak is definitely one of them. I too have the experience of being called a control freak as if it was an insult, but far too many unpleasant situations–ranging from minor inconveniences to small disasters–have been averted thanks to my control freak tendencies for me to see it as anything but a useful personal quality.
You made an excellent point about the imprudence of relying on others, but I think the possibility of deliberate sabotage is something that should also be taken into account in addition to run of the mill laziness, idiocy, and incompetence. Does that make me a paranoid freak too? Or does that still fall under control freak?
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Did you leave someone else in charge of titling this post? Because I think they just proved your point about errors being made… I’m pretty sure “control freak” is two words
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Amanda, I wish I could be like that sometimes!
Bethie, no doubt!
Karl, same with me! I like to get to the movies about 20-30 minutes early.
Jay, recently, I’ve had to ride with Britt many times, and it’s so hard to do.
Hello, sounds like a plan!
Dave, just a little!
Melanie, yup! Same here.
AnnieB, awesome. I suspected as much.
Girl, Dislocated, that might be a bit of the paranoid freak, too. And “Controlfreak” was supposed to be a clever turn on “Superfreak” by Rick James, except I couldn’t find it on mp3 to play as part of the post.
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I come from a long line of female control freaks and I’m definitely getting worse as I get older. I absolutely prefer to be in the driving seat, literally and methaphorically. (Damn it’s early to be typing such long words!)
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Oh. “Superfreak.” Duh. :dunce: :lmao:
You attribute your hatred of flying to you being a control freak. I think the probability that a greedy or jealous coworker/employee/employer will purposefully attempt to screw you over is greater than the probability that the plane you’re on will crash. (Look at the number of embezzlement convictions versus the number of plane crashes in any given year, for example.) Maybe being a control freak involves some degree of paranoia? Or maybe paranoia is just the term used by non-control freaks?
Or should I just give in and fly my paranoid freak flag?
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I’m not particularly a control freak, which is a good job as I often don’t have much control over what’s going on at all.
I do like to be in control of my bladder though.
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A great many of those apply to me as well.
Not ALL of them. I’m not a psycho, after all.
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WOOOOOOOO
Thank you for the linkage!!
Back in a sec with a real comment
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Twitter: LeSombre
says:
Ways that you are not a control freak:
1) You let us post all kinds of unmoderated comments.
2) Those toenails rule your feet. I would think a control freak would have nealty trimmed toenails.
I’m with you on almost all of them (except 4, 9, 17, 19.). And you should see my toenails.
BTW, “Superfreak” is Lovely Wife’s theme song. Whenever she enters a room it plays in my head.
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And yet, you hired me.
And live to fuck up your plans. :batting:
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Oh, Avi. Where’s Dr. Freud when we need him?
I am absolutely the same as you.
Mine is a family of control freaks. Control freaks and victims.
It’s not a wholly happy way to be, is it?
I would love to write you a screed on this subject. But life (glorious, funny, infuriating, out-of-control life) has got in the way. Frankly, I let it.
But the subject bears further reflection and a thoughtful response. I’ll get back to you.
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Oh. My. God. I am the female version of YOU. Someone, send help. I am a total control freak for every single reason that you have listed. I must have my own car when I go somewhere because when I want or have to leave…I HAVE TO LEAVE! I’ll admit that it makes me NUTS not to have control over my own situations at all times.
Children really throw a curve ball into my control freakishness.
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Yeah.. sad to say I am a control freak, too.
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Penelope, methaphorically? Is that when you’re not being literal and high on crystal meth?
Girl, Dislocated, there is some degree of paranoia, sure. But I think you might want to fly your paranoid freak flag high and proud.
Dan, your poor bladder can’t do what it wants?
Mr. Fabulous, no, not a psycho . . .
Turnbaby, you inspired me, what can I say?
Mike, those are some good points. And does your wife know that this is her song?
Britt, everybody needs a Gremlin in their lives.
Headbang, ooh, I’ve got some victims, too, in my family.
Lisa, yet you come across crazier somehow . . .
Sandi, sad to say? No, it’s a good thing!
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I’m the type of freak that defies classification.
I plan for contingencies(you should see how I pack LOL) yet I’m very comfortable winging it–as long as I am in charge.
I like to be in charge and make decisions but work well in groups–as long as I think the others in the group have a brain and common sense that they employ.
I love to fly.
One cool thing about liking control is getting to a place where you can learn to completely give it up every now and then. It’s awesome.
I have lots of thoughts on this–you’ve inspired me right back.
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
Dude. Are you going to be able to handle TequilaCon? Drinking? Flying? Deeeeep breaths and Valium ought to do it!
Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. Dude, it may be a quantum mechanics thing? But I personally think it applies to everyday living as a control freak.
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I’m a supah freak.
Please never again use the word “pejoratively” in my presence. It reminds me of my English teacher I had the sex dream about.
Thank you very much, and have a nice day.
(See how I just controlled you?)
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I can be a control freak too, that’s why I need to tie people up and torture them when I first meet them.
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I’m an out-of-control freak.
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I am control freak-ish. So not as bad as you. Like the drinking thing would be hard to give up. Instead, I just try to not do shots. Then I stay in control. Mostly.
I HATE surprises. HATE them. Really HATE them. And bag ladies.
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FIEFDOM
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:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
@ Crys.
And also
:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
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I’m definitely not a control freak although there are certain things I feel I should oversee. Like, as much as I’d like help with house cleaning, if I don’t do it myself it doesn’t get done right.
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Turnbaby, I have no desire to completely give up control.
Heather, well, I won’t be drinking. And flying’s no big deal – I’ve flown many times before. I just hate it.
Poppy, did your English teacher treat you pejoratively when he spanked you?
Robin, no wonder you don’t meet many people!
Golfwidow, I’m a Steve Carell freak.
ADW, bag ladies are creepy.
Crystal, shhh.
Britt,
Em, that’s one area where I let the house cleaners do their job and leave them alone!
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Stop it, you’re getting me all hot.
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I’m a sleep-freak, which may be like being a control freak in a way. Shawn and I sleep very different hours and I get super pissed when he comes in the room at 11PM just as I am winding down by watching TV in the dark and turns lights on and makes tons of noise.
I actually made a whole set of rules regarding life after 10PM, hahaha! Seriously, I have to get up at 6am and he has to get up at 9:30am. I need mah beauty rest!
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
Apparently I’m not that self-aware. What kind of freak am I?
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I am positive that I must be a freak, but, internally, I merely seem eminently sensible.
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Oh fuck it, I just saw that typo! I was writing that comment at 6.51am my time so it could have been worse!
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I am becoming more and more a control freak as I age.
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No, no…someone mentioned bad toenails and I’ve completely lost my train of thought.
So yeah, I’m a fellow control freak who agrees with everything on your list, but I cringe at yucky toenails.
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I am with you on #2, 4, 14, 15, 16. I also agree with #1, but I have had to go places I haven’t been comfortable. I just don’t like it. I love flying, though.
I guess I am not that much of a control freak.
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Q: What type of freak are you?
A: You have nooooo idea.
Baw-chik-ka-wow-wowwwww.
<~~~Highly evolved Super-freak.
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Holy fuck… that list is MY list… were we separated at birth? Does this mean fucked up toes are in my future?
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Twitter: LeSombre
says:
Yes, Lovely Wife knows “Superfreak” is her theme song. I sing it to her quite often.
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You needed to ask that question?
Dearest Nutsack,
I too am a control freak.
Only, I really like roller coasters.
Just not at the fair. Those things get taken apart far too often!
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I could tell you were a control freak by your “about” page. People who are really controlling are usually most concerned with controlling what other people think of them. Yay.
I’m just a freak – that’s all. One of those “different” people you like being around because you feel good when you’re around them. But, of course, you make fun of them behind their back. That’s me.
(I married the guy who swore he’d never say anything about me to anyone – and he’s stuck to it. Oh he’s not hairy either!;)
Maybe I should take some “control my image” lessons.
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“4. I don’t drink, mainly because I don’t want to be out of control.”
These exact words have left my mouth on too many occasions to count. It’s practically my mantra.
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It is almost like you reached in my head and pulled out my thoughts, and then put them in order. Cept I do drink…well normally.
I am a complete control freak!
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Spontaneity sucks. I tried to celebrate my birthday once without planning and everything went wrong. I called for a do-over after a bit of planning and enjoyed it much more.
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Here’s how I’m a control freak: I LOVE surprises, and it annoys me when someone RUINS the surprise for me.
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“17. Once I know a food that I like, I stick with it. Why experiment and risk getting something bad, thereby ruining the entire time?”
Then how did you possibly come across one of your all time favorite concoctions –chocolate syrup with burritos?
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Poppy, like that’s hard to do!
Hilly, these rules won’t apply in Philly, will they?
Finn, I guess we’ll see in about a month.
Tracy, yes, you clearly are.
Penelope, heh.
TMP, same here.
Sarah, so you don’t want to suck on my feet? Is that what you’re saying?
Lynda, I just won’t go places where I’m not comfortable. I’m stubborn.
Stephanie, pfft. Like I believe that!
Mike, awww, so romantic.
Amy, yeah – the fair roller coasters are the really frightening ones.
Claudia, what did my about page tell you that made you think that?
Othurme, I rarely say it, but that’s because most people don’t bother to ask.
Jam, join the awesome club!
Grant, you did a do-over on your birthday? Dude.
Poppy, weird Poppy!
Princess Jordana, it was an accident from eating a microwave burrito and making chocolate milk.
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I think I am a control freak, but I make conscious efforts to keep it under control. Which, really, is completely hilarious.
But what I mean is, I really make myself try new things and I have to get that I cannot possibly control every little thing. Having a kid made me a freak for a while who required Xanax to sleep. I was too worried about everything. Literally – like a tree falling on her room in the middle of the night!
However, like you pointed out, being a control freak has many advantages. I always have some random thing someone needs at almost any time.
But I think most of that is just being a mom, too.
Anyway, I am definitely a freak of some sort!
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Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
I don’t think I’m a control freak. There are some things I can control, which therefore I do… and other things I have no control over BUT can be affected by things I DO have control over… and yet other things I have no control over NOR have anything that control it… yet.
Soon… I will have a weather control machine from Dr. Honeydew… and then it’ll be hurricane season all year long.
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Hi!
I’m working my through all my blogroll to let you know that, due to the useless of both blogger and my server, the url http://www.freelanceguru.co.uk no longer works.
For some reason the only address that’s working is http://Freelanceguru.co.uk
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I’m definitely a superfreak. My list would be pretty long but let’s just say I mostly agree with 2, 4 (only change “drink” to “do drugs”), 5, 7, 12, 13, 15, and 18.
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Perhaps I’m only half as freaky as you, based on my reactions to your 18 ways (and MY toenails are spiffy, ladies!)
But here’s something that just makes the veins in my neck explode: having to watch someone else use a computer, badly, and not being able to club them senseless, fling them from the chair and do it myself, in 1% of the time.
Like watching a VP try and update a spreadsheet.
Or my otherwise very worthy co-worker use PhotoShop.
:pissed:
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I agree that it gets worse with age. I am the worst kind of control freak: I deny it. When things go south I blame it on God.
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Yea I’m a driving freak, I’d rather waste gas and drive myself somewhere and meet you there, doesn’t matter that you made a special trip across town to pick me up. That would be you wasting gas.
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Oh my God – number 17 I can totally relate to! I hate it when I go out for dinner and Phill whines at me because I got the same thing I always get. I agree with you – why risk getting something disappointing? I KNOW the chicken is good, I LOVE the chicken, so why on earth would I want to get the DAMN FISH!?!?!
*breathe*
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Are you challenging me to fly that freak flag?
‘Cause I will.
:finger:
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I too am a control freak…. maybe a support group is in order.
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Twitter: Kapgar
says:
There’s one restaurant that Katie and I always order the same dish. It’s not because we’re afraid of experimentation as many of their dishes look fantastic. But we just love these two dishes so much and we so rarely get out to this restaurant that we want our first loves. Is that weird?
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Sybil, so you control yourself, eh? And Britt’s a mom, and she never has anything that anbody needs at any time.
NYCWD, you and your hurricanes!
Freelanceguru, you could just set up a redirect, you know.
LizB, I’m like that with drugs, too.
Hoatzin, yeah. I usually push them away and just do it myself. It’s infuriating1
Mrs. RW, I blame everything on Britt.
Trukindog, yup!
Katie, maybe Phill needs to be talked to.
Stephanie, let’s see it!
Stacy, but it’s a good thing, remember?
Kapgar, not at all. Makes perfect sense to me.
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I’m the type of control freak that lets Avitable control the Bossy night and know he NEEDS to control it.
See you Friday!
:boobs3:
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Awh, I guess I’ll return the surprise I got you, which was a sexy donkey in a ninja suit by the way.
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Nothing, now that’s some control freak!
Sarcastica, were you the donkey?
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‘k, it’s called an “about” page and there’s very little information about you – it doesn’t say how old you are, if you’re married, what you do for a living, like most people’s do.
For fuck’s sake, mine at least says that I’m a middle child – like that was in question.
(shrugging) It’s not a big deal to be controlling – everyone around you knows it – it’s just how seriously you take it.
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Claudia, you’re right about the birthday, but that’s not anything to do with control. It’s just that I’ve been blogging for four years, so I don’t want to have to go in and change my age every year. I just have a whole week celebrating my birthday!
But the rest of it is there – you must not have read much. I have a whole section on my wife, a whole section on my family – they’re all just linked in my “100 Things About Avitable” section.
So I do agree that I’m a control freak, but I don’t think my about page identifies me as such. Maybe I’m just ignorant of how obvious it is, though. :boobs3:
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I am 21 and I already realise what a hard assed bitch I about to be in a few years. So, yeah your post could have just been written by any control freak in the world, coz i think we all share the same emotions.
People in my class think i am whacked out simply because i wont accept their shit. I really do take that as a compliment.
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