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No Avitable. Period.

Please welcome the lovely and talented Golf Widow who has agreed to write a guest post for me today. Give her lots of comment love, fuckers.:


At the beginning of this year, the Fortune 500 company for which I’d been working the past seven years informed me that my position was being eliminated due to “budgetary constraints,” because somehow my meager salary was cramping their style, what with their very healthy 2007 fourth-quarter earnings and their recent acquisition of another company to merge into one of their divisions.

Bitter? I? Never.

I have been selling guest posts to other bloggers for $2 a pop to make money, thus supplementing the lack of income I’ve been forced to cope with since this change of circumstances. I’ve sold quite a few of them. No one has asked for their money back, so far.

Thanks to Avitable, this site is now going to be host to some information you probably never would have seen appear here, otherwise. I figured it would be okay, because Avi has a fair few women reading this, and the men would just decide that he’s “getting in touch with his feminine side” or “being a lot gayer than usual,” to which I would like to interject “Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That.”

Anyway, it has been suggested to me, by a fair few people, that my writing skills would be most valuable to a site such as Associated Content, but I don’t feel as if I have enough experience with any given topic to write knowledgeably about it.

This morning, I woke up thinking I actually do have enough knowledge to write an article called, “How to Have a Monthly Period,” because I’ve been having those for about two and a half decades now, but the people who need that information are kind of limited. Women don’t need to know, men don’t want to know, and little girls aren’t reading Associated Content.

Basically, little boys would be the ones who’d want this information, but you know what they’re looking for. Pictures of boobies and naughty bits.

The stuff I know about monthly periods, about how messy it is and how sick it makes me feel, and how it’s not the beautiful, magical womanly crapola the books and films promised me it would be, would certainly turn little boys off women for life.

I’m not saying it would turn them gay. That’s not possible, as far as I know. But it would certainly make them realize they don’t want to deal with P.M.S. or P.M.D.D.

I don’t want to deal with either of those either.

But I suddenly realized something kind of crucial, when I started punching numbers into my calculator to figure out that I was eleven when I got my first period, and it was springtime, so I’m going to be thirty-holy-crap-seven next month, so that’s twenty-six years, times twelve months, fairly regularly, that’s three hundred twelve periods I’ve had so far.

Give or take a few. Because I missed one last month.

And I don’t remember having one the month before.

I had better be going through the change, because I am as ill-equipped as Juno MacGuff to deal with a baby right about now.

Less so, because I am not nearly as cute as she is, and I don’t have Diablo Cody writing my next line either, if I am.

Which is not to say that I’m ready to deal with menopause, either.


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37 thoughts on “No Avitable. Period.”

  1. Most informative. And, here I thought I already knew all I wanted to know about that subject!

    I can’t remember which movie/book this is from for the life of me, anyway it’s a guy’s line:

    “I don’t trust anything that bleeds for 7 days and doesn’t die.”

    Can you imagine what men might do if we let them in on all the seriously gory details?

  2. What’s PPMD?

    Oh God, somehow I have a flood of anxiety roaring through my system screaming RUN AWAY YOU FUCKER RUN AWAY BEFORE YOU FIND OUT!!!!

    Should I be this scared? There wont be a video link will there? I don’t watch videos from Avitable’s blog. Is it hot in here?

  3. Fun post, Golf Widow, and it’s nice to meet you. I love the title too! :thumbsup:

    I lucked out… I had my baby box removed at 36. I’m 50 and menopausal, but so far it’s really not too bad. It is SOOO nice not to deal with that crap!

  4. Hey Golf Widow, nice to meet you!
    I’m also going to be thirty-holy-crap-seven next month, tad scary isn’t it?
    I got rid of the PMS equipment when I was thirty though and it was THE BEST decision I ever made! :thumbsup:

  5. When I read the heading I thought Avitable was pregnant…

    Nice post Golf Widow 😀 I too know the pain of the “thanks but fuck off” from a company making so much profit it can no longer count all the zeroes. I wish you luck with the $2 posts, you’ve earnt it here!

  6. Welcome GW (can I call you that?) – I think I’m about ready for my next guest post also, but if it’s going to be about womanly body functions, I’m glad you got this one out of the way.

  7. Hi there. I see you over at D-man’s place so I think we know each other already :thumbsup:

    Anyway.. I think IF I had missed two periods..umm..I would be freaking totally out. I am nearly 43 and the thought scares the heck out of me!

  8. I started mine at 11 as well. Went into menopause at 38 or 39. Not that you will… but I’d say you’re probably in perimenopause now.

    Get thee some Estroven (it has soy and black cohosh that will help regulate your hormones, which means your period will regulate again). You buy it in the drugstore. Walgreens even has a generic. Give it a month.

  9. I LOVE MY PERIOD!!!!!

    (I’m just kidding. It is evil incarnate. Whichever joker decided to program women with periods deserves to have his balls deep fried and served to him on a platter.)

  10. Wow.

    Talk about exceeding expectations… this is the last thing I ever expected to read here WITHOUT some sort of drawing or insinuation that “If it bleeds for 7 days but doesn’t die, then don’t trust it,” ideaology…

  11. I don’t remember when I started mine… I blocked it out.

    I’m still getting the life sucked out of me from MY Fortune-500 company… you may actually be the lucky one. My period bleeds me dry for a week and they finish me off… bastards.

    Avitable owes you more than 2$.. and I think I owe Fabby an exclamation point.

  12. Awesome post! Periods suck which is why I don’t take the placebos on my b.c. (with doctor’s permission, of course). It makes life so much nicer. I couldn’t take the cramping and bloating and my own bitchiness. I was more evil than my period!

  13. Golf Widow is the new black! I am uncertain as to which way to send my wishes, pro or con pregnancy. Personally, it’s always con for me, which would be why I take birth control even though I haven’t had sex in a decade. Because that shit is sneaky. :poke:

  14. I don’t celebrate birthdays anymore. Instead I celebrate the anniversary of my 27th birthday. I like saying “I just celebrated the 11th anniversary of my 27th birthday” a lot more than I like saying “I just turned thirty holy-fucking-crap eight.”

  15. #@ AmyD : I shouldn’t like that, but I do.

    #@ y2k survivor : “PMDD” stands for “premenstrual dysphoric disorder”, which means the other, more severe physical and emotional symptoms of PMS that don’t seem to go away with the usual PMS treatments. I don’t know what “PPMD” is for sure, but I do know there used to be a urologist that had that as his vanity plates.

    #@ Geeky Tai-Tai : I can’t take credit for the title. That was all Avitable. Couldn’t you tell?

    #@ Penelope : I always wanted to do that. It never gave me enough grief for it to be an issue, healthwise.

    #@ Dee : Thanks. It’s nice to know someone got their money’s worth.

    #@ turnbaby : That never occurred to me. Good point.

    #@ Miss Britt : I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy.

    # @ whall : I think that post is pretty much it for me, TMI-wise.

    # @ Sandi : I’m not scared, as such. Without going into any more TMI, suffice it to say that we know I’m not pregnant and we’re pretty sure I am perimenopausal.

    # @ Mr. Fabulous : I know. They’re beautiful womanly blah blah miraclecakes. I’m an ungrateful wretch.

    # @ Karl : Wait till next week. (I’m not making any promises on my own part, I’m just saying I see a lot of things on Avi’s site that make me say, “Well, NOW I’ve seen everything.)

    # @ Robin : Thank you. Every little bit of superstition helps. I’ve knocked so much wood the furniture has learned to hide on my approach.

    # @ Em : I skipped pregnancy, so your opting for it, which gives you even more undignified, uncomfortable symptoms, plus another human depending on you for everything forever, makes me tip my hat to you.

    # @ Hilly : That’s ALWAYS good to know. Thanks.

    # @ Crys : It’d be fine, if it were lambs and chicks and little baby Templetons like in the cartoon of “Charlotte’s Web.”

    # @ themuttprincess : I can’t imagine anyone actually wanting to teach that course. The more you tell a little boy to stop [insert any boy behavior that usually masks embarrassment], the more he’ll do it. Nothing would get learned.

    # @ Finn : That’s what my doctor thinks. Also, I’m not averse to the Estrovent, since it couldn’t hurt anything.

    # @ Poppy : Regarding deep-fried balls: now I want beignets.

    # @ NYCWD : Only God and Avitable know what havoc would’ve ensued if Avi had done any actual artwork to accompany this post. And God’s not talking.

    # @ Anndi : Avi’s been probably my biggest help, because he’s sent a lot of writing work my way, outside of this guest post. He rocks, hardcore. But I swore I’d never charge more than $2 for a guest post, because it’s better to hear, “This was worth more than what I paid” than to be told, “This isn’t worth what I paid.”

    # @ Mindy : Sure, I’m all about teaming up. What’s the plan?

    # @ MyWeeWorld : I can’t take hormones at all because my family history includes both congenital heart disease and breast cancer. Yay rah.

    # @ Tracy Lynn : I’m not against pregnancy per se, but now, financially, when both my husband and I are looking for work, would be ten out of ten for style but minus several million for good timing.

    # @ Diane : I promise, if I ever truly think I’m pregnant, I’ll make my doctor take my picture when she gives me the news. Just for you. :lmao:

    # @ phelix : I agree with you.

    # @ bobgirrl : My entire 30th year went by with me saying that I was “twenty-nine and sixteen months,” and so forth. I skipped from 29 to 31 that way.

    # @ B.E. Earl : I’m married. I get to sing the “no more oral” song if I want to. (Whether or not I want to is no one’s business but mine and my husband’s, and all I can say is that he’s not complaining.)

    # @ Poppy : Heh. I didn’t look at it that way. Your way is more amusing.

    # @ Bec : I don’t get terrible mood swings, but I do get horrendous cramps. That’s probably why I didn’t notice when I missed those periods; it was just so nice to avoid the symptoms.

  16. # @ Gwen : Thank you. I’m on nonhormonal birth control, but not an IUD. I don’t REALLY think I’m pregnant, or I’d be too WTF to joke about it.

    # @ Stephanie : No, I think he just took pity on me and wanted to throw two bucks my way.

    # @ Girl, Dislocated : Except for the fact that I have no money and my husband has been out of work for seven months as well, it’s pretty cool not to have to go to work, especially on days like today, when it’s kind of bleh outside and I know my former coworkers still had to get up at OMG-dark-hundred hours to go to the office.

    # @ Amanda : If that’s accurate, then I might want to run away with either Parker or Stone, because, hello, funny.

  17. Well as usual I am late (but not LATE late, thank God).
    Anyway, great post!
    I am usually just grateful to have my period. I love my daughter, and labor was seriously not a big deal for me at all, but being pregnant sucked.

  18. My paternal grandmother had children well into her 50s. I think I’m doomed. My oldest sister is starting to get deep wrinkles so I’m thinking she’s going through “the change” but it could also just be her evil seeping out of the cracks.

    yeah… could happen!

    Great post! Very fun!

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