Don't you hate when come clogs up your urethra after masturbating and when you go to pee, you pee in fourteen different directions, including straight up?
Don't you hate when you are holding onto your penis after coming to stem the flow until you can get rid of it, and you cough, which makes your hand relax, and you hit yourself in the face?
Don't you hate when you're washing your asshole and your fingernail accidentally scrapes right across it?
Don't you hate when you put peanut butter on your balls and ass crack for the dog to lick off and she uses her teeth a bit too much?
Don't you hate when the frozen hot dog breaks off in your ass?
Don't you hate when you get the pictures of breasts from your two different illicit online lovers mixed up with each other?
Don't you hate when you shave off your pubes and put them on a pizza for a friend to eat and he doesn't even notice?
Don't you hate the smell of the carpet when Mistress Dark is over and she's pushing you face-down while stepping on your balls with her high heels?
Don't you hate having to learn the names of all of the new crop of underage hookers down in the red light district after the old group were killed by their johns and pimps?
Don't you hate getting caught naked in a room full of small children covered in Crisco?
Don't you hate when the cops are going to let you off with a warning, and then they accidentally see the dead hooker in your backseat?
Don't you hate when the tranny can't get hard because of the hormones, so you have to jerk yourself off?
Don't you hate having anal sex with someone who has explosive diarrhea?
Don't you hate when ninjas ransack your house and take your animal porn collection?
Don't you hate when donkeys ransack your house and take your ninja porn collection?
Don't you hate the fact that even though it sounds like it, "statutory rape" doesn't mean it's mandatory by law?
Don't you hate when you're masturbating with the Sears catalog and you get a paper cut on the head of your penis?
Don't you hate how gay porn actually makes you feel funny in your pants?
Don't you hate when the Roofies don't work right?
Don't you hate when the naked pictures you mailed to Avril Lavigne come back to you with a restraining order?
UPDATE: I got reviewed at "Ask and Ye Shall Receive!" Well, I didn't get a rating, but I got a spanking!
See this post on Humor Blogs, too.
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Comments by Amanda
"Don't you hate when you're washing your asshole and your fingernail accidentally scrapes right across it?"
This one's not so bad really.
And ... Always stuff the dead hooker into the trunk. I thought you knew that already.
Comments by Jay
either i am psychic or you already posted this. i'm kinda skeeved right now.
about the "Don't you hate getting caught naked in a room full of small children covered in Crisco?" thing...are you covered in crisco or are the children covered in crisco. or, for that matter, are you all covered in crisco? i'm confused.
Comments by hello haha narf
Mr. Avitable, you ain't right. In the head, that is.
Comments by Tracy
Don't you hate it when you wake up in the hotel hallway in your boxers and you find out you locked yourself out of your room?
Comments by Karl
Don't you hate when the one thing in the world you can't stand is puking and your friend sends you a video of a bunch of chicks puking on each other?
Comments by AmyD
karl - i sort of did that not too long ago. except i was totally naked. terrible feeling, but i was kind of too drunk to concentrate on the "oh shit" feeling and deal with the "how the fuck do i get back in there" feeling. hmmm...more ideas for blog posts. you guys are great!
Comments by hello haha narf
How do the ninjas and donkeys get into your house to ransack it, is what I want to know.
Comments by Nanna
This post just reminded me why I need to add your blog to my visit daily list.
Not that I enjoy hearing about your urethra getting clogged and pissing everywhere, but... You know. It's all relative... Kind of. And I enjoy it... Sooo.
ANYways.
Comments by Krystle
Ew.
I mean...
Ew
Comments by Freelanceguru
Post-ejaculate pisses are much safer in the shower.
Comments by othurme
Nanna - I think he has a donkey flap (in more ways than one)
Comments by Dan
YOu still use Crisco??? Geeze that spray stuff is soooo much faster.
Comments by turnbaby
Hey Karl, it's especially bad when you're locked out because you mistook the room door for the bathroom door, and all the knocking in the world won't wake up your drunk ass wife, so you're forced to go down to the lobby and walk / run past the desk clerk to go to the lobby bathroom.
Comments by Functionally ReTodded
Silly Avi... dead hookers ride in the trunk.
Comments by NYCWD
It's happened a couple times that I've been given aspirin instead of roofies but then again, I had a headache...
Comments by Robin
Ewww. . .gross.
I read the review. It was interesting. Did you submit your blog for review? In my opinion you've got your own style and it seems to be working for you, I wouldn't change anything. (But I doubt my opinion counts for much!)
Comments by Em
Thankfully I do not have a penis, which pretty much saves me the hassle and the scars for life... So, can't say I hate most of that, since you know, I AM A WOMAN!
Comments by themuttprincess
Replace Avril Lavigne with Yuri Ebihara and that pretty much sums it up for me. Well, that and I can't use my whole hand to masturbate because I'm hung like a tic-tac, but otherwise all the stuff's the same.
Comments by Grant
That statutory rape thing is actually quite confusing.
Comments by Gwen
I thought it was spelled "cum".
Now I feel stupid.
Comments by Miss Britt
And you said you were having trouble coming up with blog fodder.
Comments by golfwidow
That review kinda makes me want to poke the reviewer in the eye myself. Some people just miss the point. I come here to read this blog because it isn't whining on about personal problems and how great kids are and blah blah.
I'm pretty sure the whole statutory rape excuse'd stand up pretty well in court. It's sort of their fault for wording it in such a misleading way, after all.
Comments by Gee
"Don't you hate when you get the pictures of breasts from your two different illicit online lovers mixed up with each other?"
Who is the other bitch who is sending you boob pics?
Cheating fuck.
Comments by Stephanie
Miss Britt - I totally thought it was spelt "cum" too. I must be stupid as well
This kind of thing ALWAYS happens to me, so I feel your pain Avitable.
Comments by Sarcastica
Don't you hate when come clogs up your urethra after masturbating and when you go to pee, you pee in fourteen different directions, including straight up?
No. But, perhaps because that doesn't happen to me.
Don't you hate how gay porn actually makes you feel funny in your pants?
I'm assuming by gay porn you mean man on man action, because nobody seems to think woman on woman action is gay porn. I personally prefer watching guys go at it with their clothes on and not watching girls go at it at all. (Shrug. It's just my personal preference.) But I don't hate it if I feel funny in my pants watching anyone go at it. Why would I hate that?
Comments by Poppy
EXCEPT MY PARENTS.
Who totally INTENTIONALLY made me think about them having sex while I was visiting in Tennessee.
UGH.
Comments by Poppy
Fold the edges of the page out. Duh.
Comments by Finn
I hate when I am eating oatmeal and reading your blog and read things like, clogged urethras, etc.
Kind makes my oatmeal taste like chucky cum/ come.
Hahahahahaha
Okay.
I also thought it was spelled cum, but I do know some people spell it come. Please clarify, so I don't have to google it! (Me so lazy.)
Comments by Sybil Law
Wow, it's like you read my mind! WTF?
Comments by yoshi
After so long a time at it reviews are kind of - why ask for them? I don't even track my traffic anymore... BUT I do agree with your reviewer about brevity. That's a valid point and I wish to God you'd listen to her alfuckingready!
But my comment is already too long. Three cheers for minimalism.
Comments by RW
Amanda, so you love it?
Jay, but the trunk's already full with hookers.
Hello, I did not already post this, I don't think. And we're all covered in Crisco.
Tracy, took you this long to figure that out?
Karl, with a can of Crisco?
AmyD, I'll have to file that away for later.
Hello, you just wanted to do some hotel streaking.
Nanna, they have a key. Oops.
Krystle, well, I post daily, so you should definitely visit daily!
Freelanceguru, ew as in mmmm, tasty?
Othurme, ew!
Dan, I don't want to hear about your ass flap.
Turnbaby, but it's not as much fun to dig out of the can.
Todd, number two?
NYCWD, the trunk's full with Criscoed kids.
Robin, was the headache before or after the medicine?
Em, I submitted my blog, yeah. And it's okay - I expected to get reamed.
TMP, having a vagina is much, much worse.
Grant, well, yeah. Just the forefinger and thumb, of course.
Gwen, I know! I get caught by that all the time.
Britt, that's the commoner way of spelling it. It started out as "come", but once some idiot spelled it "cum", that caught on.
Golf Widow, I know, right?
Gee, my blog's not meant for everyone, so that's cool. Sometimes it takes a few posts and hanging around for a while before people "get" me, anyways.
Stephanie, your last email got lost - can you resend?
Sarcastica, if we meet sometime, I'll demonstrate the difference for you. I'm an educator like that.
Poppy, gay has become different from lesbian when it comes to porn for quite some time. And your stepdad totally puts his penis in your mom's vagina over and over again.
Finn, I cut a hole in the catalog and fuck it - that's where the cuts come from.
Sybil, I prefer to use the proper spelling of "come".
Yoshi, two peas in a pod, man.
RW, you just think my posts are too long because you don't have time to read them right now. And I just figured I'd get a review for the hell of it. Well, after Britt did it.
Comments by Avitable
I KNOW.
And I totally stick my penis in your mom's ear OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
Comments by Poppy
Dude. I feel like it's a real accomplishment to make Adam Avitable say "ew".
Comments by othurme
I beg to differ. I would rather have a vagina than a penis. I never have to worry about it getting stuck in my pants zipper...
Comments by themuttprincess
Then the answer is more lube. But then again, the answer is always more lube.
Comments by Finn
I can honestly say I have never had a problem with my penis.
Comments by Lynda
Penile urethra's get clogged with cum/come? (WTF ever) I had no idea.
Comments by Honeybell
Two-timing bastard.
Comments by Stephanie
When I meet you in person tonight I hope the only thing on your hands is Guacamole.
Comments by Little Miss Sunshine State
OMG Poppy has a penis?
Comments by Amanda
@Amanda: Damn, I have a really funny response to that, but I don't want to start shit and then not be around to enjoy it. (No, anatomically speaking, I do not have a penis. Sorry to disappoint you.)
Comments by Poppy
ok, byeeeeeeee!
Comments by Poppy
You know what I hate? Them pesky multiple orgasms. Over and over and over and over...how's a girl supposed to get any work done around here?
Av, you are hysterical. But then, I wasn't eating oatmeal while reading ;)
Comments by DebbieS
Dude, I can honestly say that I don't think anything like that has happened to me. But if it did, I would hate it.
Personally, I think you need to drink a bit more water, have sex a lot more and most of these problems would evaporate but that's just me.
Comments by On a Limb with Claudia
I feel I already read that on your Twitter. I think that was Monday, right?
;-)
Comments by Mike
And don't you hate it when you're giving Fab a blow job and you somehow end up with bunny fur in between your teeth?
Comments by Janna
The verb is come. The noun is cum. I thought every edumacated person knew that.
Comments by Winter
Don't you hate when you're washing your asshole and your fingernail accidentally scrapes right across it?
Hey just be glad you didn't catch a hemroid with the jagged edge of the fingernail you broke off in the dogs ass!
Comments by Trukindog
Hmmm I wonder if we should be minimal in our comments as well? If so I would like to say, "Neh" with a bit of a shrug.
Comments by y2k survivor
I hate oatmeal more than ANY of those things.
Which would be a lot.
Comments by Hoatzin
Dude, I can't believe that cunt said "how unfuckingbelievablyfunny a great writer can be in 2 sentences or less." and then you click the link .... and it's dooce.
Dooce? DOOCE?!?!?!
what the fuuuuuuuck?!
Comments by Zom
Just for fun, I considered doing a strip tease on your webcam comments. I'm in a weird mood.
Comments by Kyra Sutra
Poppy, hahahahahahah!
Othurme, yeah, I'm squeamish about some stuff.
TMP, I'd rather not go through PMS, menstruation, and menopause!
Finn, I agree. Lube is the answer to almost every question.
Lynda, how about someone else's?
Honeybell, maybe it's not the urethra exactly, but the whole area can, yeah.
Steph, I'm a free spirit!
Little Miss Sunshine, "special" guac, maybe!
Amanda, apparently!
Poppy, c'mon. Start shit! It'll be funny.
DebbieS, who wants to have to go through that more than once? All I need once and I'm done.
Claudia, what does water have to do with it?
Mike, very likely.
Janna, that stuff is tough to get out.
Winter, no, the noun and verb are "come", but "cum" is also acceptable.
Trukindog, good point!
Y2K, are you calling this post minimal?
Hoatzin, apparently!
Zom, nah, she's not a cunt. Dooce is, but not the reviewer.
Kyra, why didn't you? And where have you been?
Comments by Avitable
Shoot no. It takes way too long to load to ever be considered minimal. Nope, I was wondering if the critic think responders should make shorter comments to your "too wordy" posts? Then we could use their theory of "less is more" all over the place.
Odd how I never really noticed your blog had much blue in it until I read the review. Hmmm I guess it does, doesn't it?
Comments by Y2k Survivor
meh, moment has passed. Next time, though.
Comments by Poppy
I haven't ever actually experienced any of these things. I'll consider this to be a top priority "to do" list and then get back to you on my findings.
Comments by Fiar