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Don’t you hate?

Don’t you hate when come clogs up your urethra after masturbating and when you go to pee, you pee in fourteen different directions, including straight up?

Don’t you hate when you are holding onto your penis after coming to stem the flow until you can get rid of it, and you cough, which makes your hand relax, and you hit yourself in the face?

Don’t you hate when you’re washing your asshole and your fingernail accidentally scrapes right across it?

Don’t you hate when you put peanut butter on your balls and ass crack for the dog to lick off and she uses her teeth a bit too much?

Don’t you hate when the frozen hot dog breaks off in your ass?

Don’t you hate when you get the pictures of breasts from your two different illicit online lovers mixed up with each other?

Don’t you hate when you shave off your pubes and put them on a pizza for a friend to eat and he doesn’t even notice?

Don’t you hate the smell of the carpet when Mistress Dark is over and she’s pushing you face-down while stepping on your balls with her high heels?

Don’t you hate having to learn the names of all of the new crop of underage hookers down in the red light district after the old group were killed by their johns and pimps?

Don’t you hate getting caught naked in a room full of small children covered in Crisco?

Don’t you hate when the cops are going to let you off with a warning, and then they accidentally see the dead hooker in your backseat?

Don’t you hate when the tranny can’t get hard because of the hormones, so you have to jerk yourself off?

Don’t you hate having anal sex with someone who has explosive diarrhea?

Don’t you hate when ninjas ransack your house and take your animal porn collection?

Don’t you hate when donkeys ransack your house and take your ninja porn collection?

Don’t you hate the fact that even though it sounds like it, “statutory rape” doesn’t mean it’s mandatory by law?

Don’t you hate when you’re masturbating with the Sears catalog and you get a paper cut on the head of your penis?

Don’t you hate how gay porn actually makes you feel funny in your pants?

Don’t you hate when the Roofies don’t work right?

Don’t you hate when the naked pictures you mailed to Avril Lavigne come back to you with a restraining order?


UPDATE: I got reviewed at “Ask and Ye Shall Receive!” Well, I didn’t get a rating, but I got a spanking!


See this post on Humor Blogs, too.

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57 Replies to “Don’t you hate?”

  1. Jay

    “Don’t you hate when you’re washing your asshole and your fingernail accidentally scrapes right across it?”

    This one’s not so bad really.

    And … Always stuff the dead hooker into the trunk. I thought you knew that already.

  2. hello haha narf

    either i am psychic or you already posted this. i’m kinda skeeved right now.

    about the “Don’t you hate getting caught naked in a room full of small children covered in Crisco?” thing…are you covered in crisco or are the children covered in crisco. or, for that matter, are you all covered in crisco? i’m confused.

  3. hello haha narf

    karl – i sort of did that not too long ago. except i was totally naked. terrible feeling, but i was kind of too drunk to concentrate on the “oh shit” feeling and deal with the “how the fuck do i get back in there” feeling. hmmm…more ideas for blog posts. you guys are great!

  4. Krystle

    This post just reminded me why I need to add your blog to my visit daily list.

    Not that I enjoy hearing about your urethra getting clogged and pissing everywhere, but… You know. It’s all relative… Kind of. And I enjoy it… Sooo.

    ANYways.

  5. Functionally ReTodded

    Hey Karl, it’s especially bad when you’re locked out because you mistook the room door for the bathroom door, and all the knocking in the world won’t wake up your drunk ass wife, so you’re forced to go down to the lobby and walk / run past the desk clerk to go to the lobby bathroom.

  6. Em

    Ewww. . .gross.

    I read the review. It was interesting. Did you submit your blog for review? In my opinion you’ve got your own style and it seems to be working for you, I wouldn’t change anything. (But I doubt my opinion counts for much!)

  7. Gee

    That review kinda makes me want to poke the reviewer in the eye myself. Some people just miss the point. I come here to read this blog because it isn’t whining on about personal problems and how great kids are and blah blah.

    I’m pretty sure the whole statutory rape excuse’d stand up pretty well in court. It’s sort of their fault for wording it in such a misleading way, after all.

  8. Stephanie

    “Don’t you hate when you get the pictures of breasts from your two different illicit online lovers mixed up with each other?”

    Who is the other bitch who is sending you boob pics?

    Cheating fuck.

  9. Poppy

    Don’t you hate when come clogs up your urethra after masturbating and when you go to pee, you pee in fourteen different directions, including straight up?

    No. But, perhaps because that doesn’t happen to me.

    Don’t you hate how gay porn actually makes you feel funny in your pants?

    I’m assuming by gay porn you mean man on man action, because nobody seems to think woman on woman action is gay porn. I personally prefer watching guys go at it with their clothes on and not watching girls go at it at all. (Shrug. It’s just my personal preference.) But I don’t hate it if I feel funny in my pants watching anyone go at it. Why would I hate that?

  10. Sybil Law

    I hate when I am eating oatmeal and reading your blog and read things like, clogged urethras, etc.
    Kind makes my oatmeal taste like chucky cum/ come.
    Hahahahahaha
    Okay.
    I also thought it was spelled cum, but I do know some people spell it come. Please clarify, so I don’t have to google it! (Me so lazy.)

  11. RW

    After so long a time at it reviews are kind of – why ask for them? I don’t even track my traffic anymore… BUT I do agree with your reviewer about brevity. That’s a valid point and I wish to God you’d listen to her alfuckingready!

    But my comment is already too long. Three cheers for minimalism.

  12. Avitable

    Amanda, so you love it?

    Jay, but the trunk’s already full with hookers.

    Hello, I did not already post this, I don’t think. And we’re all covered in Crisco.

    Tracy, took you this long to figure that out?

    Karl, with a can of Crisco?

    AmyD, I’ll have to file that away for later.

    Hello, you just wanted to do some hotel streaking.

    Nanna, they have a key. Oops.

    Krystle, well, I post daily, so you should definitely visit daily!

    Freelanceguru, ew as in mmmm, tasty?

    Othurme, ew!

    Dan, I don’t want to hear about your ass flap.

    Turnbaby, but it’s not as much fun to dig out of the can.

    Todd, number two?

    NYCWD, the trunk’s full with Criscoed kids.

    Robin, was the headache before or after the medicine?

    Em, I submitted my blog, yeah. And it’s okay – I expected to get reamed.

    TMP, having a vagina is much, much worse.

    Grant, well, yeah. Just the forefinger and thumb, of course.

    Gwen, I know! I get caught by that all the time.

    Britt, that’s the commoner way of spelling it. It started out as “come”, but once some idiot spelled it “cum”, that caught on.

    Golf Widow, I know, right?

    Gee, my blog’s not meant for everyone, so that’s cool. Sometimes it takes a few posts and hanging around for a while before people “get” me, anyways.

    Stephanie, your last email got lost – can you resend?

    Sarcastica, if we meet sometime, I’ll demonstrate the difference for you. I’m an educator like that.

    Poppy, gay has become different from lesbian when it comes to porn for quite some time. And your stepdad totally puts his penis in your mom’s vagina over and over again.

    Finn, I cut a hole in the catalog and fuck it – that’s where the cuts come from.

    Sybil, I prefer to use the proper spelling of “come”.

    Yoshi, two peas in a pod, man.

    RW, you just think my posts are too long because you don’t have time to read them right now. And I just figured I’d get a review for the hell of it. Well, after Britt did it.

  13. Poppy

    @Amanda: Damn, I have a really funny response to that, but I don’t want to start shit and then not be around to enjoy it. (No, anatomically speaking, I do not have a penis. Sorry to disappoint you.)

  14. DebbieS

    You know what I hate? Them pesky multiple orgasms. Over and over and over and over…how’s a girl supposed to get any work done around here?

    Av, you are hysterical. But then, I wasn’t eating oatmeal while reading 😉

  15. On a Limb with Claudia

    Dude, I can honestly say that I don’t think anything like that has happened to me. But if it did, I would hate it.

    Personally, I think you need to drink a bit more water, have sex a lot more and most of these problems would evaporate but that’s just me.

  16. Trukindog

    Don’t you hate when you’re washing your asshole and your fingernail accidentally scrapes right across it?

    Hey just be glad you didn’t catch a hemroid with the jagged edge of the fingernail you broke off in the dogs ass!

  17. Zom

    Dude, I can’t believe that cunt said “how unfuckingbelievablyfunny a great writer can be in 2 sentences or less.” and then you click the link …. and it’s dooce.
    Dooce? DOOCE?!?!?!
    what the fuuuuuuuck?!

  18. Avitable

    Poppy, hahahahahahah!

    Othurme, yeah, I’m squeamish about some stuff.

    TMP, I’d rather not go through PMS, menstruation, and menopause!

    Finn, I agree. Lube is the answer to almost every question.

    Lynda, how about someone else’s?

    Honeybell, maybe it’s not the urethra exactly, but the whole area can, yeah.

    Steph, I’m a free spirit!

    Little Miss Sunshine, “special” guac, maybe!

    Amanda, apparently!

    Poppy, c’mon. Start shit! It’ll be funny.

    DebbieS, who wants to have to go through that more than once? All I need once and I’m done.

    Claudia, what does water have to do with it?

    Mike, very likely.

    Janna, that stuff is tough to get out.

    Winter, no, the noun and verb are “come”, but “cum” is also acceptable.

    Trukindog, good point!

    Y2K, are you calling this post minimal?

    Hoatzin, apparently!

    Zom, nah, she’s not a cunt. Dooce is, but not the reviewer.

    Kyra, why didn’t you? And where have you been?

  19. Y2k Survivor

    Shoot no. It takes way too long to load to ever be considered minimal. Nope, I was wondering if the critic think responders should make shorter comments to your “too wordy” posts? Then we could use their theory of “less is more” all over the place.

    Odd how I never really noticed your blog had much blue in it until I read the review. Hmmm I guess it does, doesn’t it?

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