Archive for April, 2008

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It's 9:30 and I can't even keep my eyes open. How can I even write a post? I think, instead, I'll go to bed and sleep for 10 hours straight.

Last night, I found out that I'm married to Larry David. If you're not familiar with Curb Your Enthusiasm, just think about George Costanza from Seinfeld, except crankier.

I picked my wife up from the airport after her two-week long business trip.

"How was your flight, sweetie?" I asked.

"Oh! You would not believe it. I was so mad!"

"About what?"

"Well, when I got on the plane and got to my row, there was a woman sitting in the aisle seat. I told her, 'Hi, I'm going to have to get in there,' since I had the window seat, and then I put my bag in the bin."

"Okay . . ."

"When I looked back down, she hadn't moved. She was just staring at me. I said again, 'I need to get in there.' And do you know what she did?"

"What?"

"She stared at me and said, 'Okay'. Didn't try to move, didn't even offer to get up. There are only about two inches of room, if that, between her legs and the seat in front of her, so I had to fucking climb over her to get to my seat!"

"Wow."

"Then the woman who had the middle seat came over and she had to crawl over the first woman, too!"

"Jeez, how rude."

"I know! I was preparing a little speech in my head that I wanted to say to the woman who just sat down about rude fuckers and their inability to have common courtesy. I thought maybe that might shame the other woman into showing some manners next fucking time."

"So did you say that?"

"Nah."

"Why not?"

"Well, before I could get the words straight in my head, the woman in the middle seat turned to the bitch in the aisle and said, 'Weren't you the lady that the flight attendants helped who was in the wheelchair?'"

I've changed things a little this week. A few people wanted to see how they did on the previous contest, so I'm going to start including a link to a Google spreadsheet that will show everyone who entered and which ones they got right.

Also, I'm giving away two prizes today! Last week, for the first time, I was able to stump everyone with #14. Nobody got it right. So, to the first person who gets #14 correct in the comments here, I will send a $25 Amazon gift certificate! Here it is:

14. Do you think too much or too little?
I don't know. I just want to fire up some Ambassadors.

You can find last week's answers, scores and contest winner in an extended entry, but now it's time for today's Lazy Sunday contest! This week's prize is $25 Amazon.com Gift Certificate!

Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! The questions may be hard, but everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct – I promise.

The rules:

It's very simple. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can – some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket – you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera. You're on the honor system – try not to Google or look at other people's answers!

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

Ready? Here we go!

1. What's the full name on your birth certificate?
Well, my middle name is Danger.

2. When was the last time you were told you were beautiful?
1912, when I was young, by Jack. He's dead now.

3. Suppose you see your boy/girlfriend kissing another person; what would you do?
Scratch up his/her car, deflate the tires, break the headlights, and cut up the seats.

4. What is bothering you right now?
Well, this electronic traffic sign on the side of the interstate keeps talking to me.

5. Who was the last person to play with your hair?
Nobody. I've been bald since that stupid meteor shower.

6. I'll bet you miss someone right now?
Not really. My mom dropped me on my head when I was a kid, and my brothers were assholes.

7. What is your favorite color?
Puce. I love it in lollipop form.

8. When was the last time you got a back massage?
I got one from this beautiful Asian girl. She was good – I fell right asleep. Of course, I also think she might have messed with stuff from my locker when I was sleeping.

9. If you were given $100, would you spend it or save it?
I'd go down to a pawnshop and have a rat gnaw a mole off of my face.

10. What are you doing this weekend?
I have to work at my job as a concierge, at least until my plans for my own hotel are complete.

11. Last place you went out to eat?
Monk's.

12. Where are you right now?
At my new house in Cypress Creek. My boss just threw his shoes out the door and said goodbye to them.

13. Do you have any enemies?
Just another me from another dimension who keeps killing all of his doppelgangers.

14. What are you doing?
My dog and I are moving in with my son. He's a shrink, but I don't think he's wound too tight. Tighter than my other son, though.

15. How's the weather today?
IT'S GONNA RAIN!

And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
Read the rest of this entry »

Outtakes from one of my favorite shows: